walking out the door to score the first pour
or headed to the store to buy more, more, more
alcohol slides over my lips and burns my gums
look out depression because here I come
unforgivable and dumb
my decision in choosing again to succumb
to filling my throat with hateful *** just to go numb

unbelievable the cost of the lines I’ve crossed
the hours and days I've lost
the vicious shifting of minutes across
the abacus rods to the side of loss
the moments of my life I accost

my happy endings sent marching to their deaths
an insult to the true preciousness
of every one of life’s next breaths

I stop and think of all the terrible acts and hate crimes
that I've committed since the addiction in my lifetime
my steady, self inflicted decline
and the horrors that have come from my anebriated mind
the sickness embodied in drinking, thinking it’s not filth and grime

one of life's few real truths
is that we have so little of it in our youth
we have so little of it to define ourselves
it doesn’t halt, it doesn’t pause it can’t be contained or stored on shelves
it will never refrain from moving along
with or without your happiness time moves on

writing this down in sobriety now
or reading this later aloud
drunk and probably too loud
for a crowd of one person not proud
I’ll wonder how
how I do this to myself again and bow down
to a voluntary disease that only brings storm clouds

I've been taught better than this
I've been treated better than this
I've been shown and really seen clearly my life’s gifts
so why do my actions always need forgiveness

how is it I burn the pages of my own plans
how is my touch capable of the murders of a killers hands
I don’t know how an able body like mine can
refuse to stand up like a man

I’m dragging myself to an inevitable end
with every sip I take and every bar dollar I spend
and every gushing wound I refuse to mend
everytime I choose ***** over the company of a friend

i can put the vitamins back in my body
and pretend my ledger isn’t red it’s just a little spotty
and that I wasn’t that bad I was just a little naughty
and say that I make everyone laugh when I’m *****

but those rows of abacus beads on the wrong side that I tossed
tell a different story of a war fought and lost
and a power that remains with the victor unchanged
and a coward carrying a bottle like a cross

and every day there is a line drawn, and then right now is gone
with or without my happiness, time moves on

each day is a poem the hours spell
each a chance for peace within ourselves
every line’s an opportunity for eyes without a bruise
but opportunities passed on just pass on through
time lost is a short road to regret
looking back is all a moment wasted begets

I can’t reach the clock to turn back the hands
I can’t reach back and have the time again
when did I become
so unsighted to today
when did I start to shove my spirit away
when did I become so anger-torn and frayed
when I forgot the pains that cut like a knife,

how regret and anger can burn a life


each day is a love song of a heart feeling well
each a love story the moments tell
every word a chance for our selves to be soothed
but opportunities shunned just slide on through
time wasted is a long fall into regret
longing for the moments lost and squandered and spent

I want to reach the clock to turn back the hands
I want to turn the glass and return the sands
when did I become
so naive to the gift of today
when did I start to throw opportunities away
when I forgot the pains that have been my strife,

the regret and anger that have burned my life


the sands, they only fall

of the daylight
this artificial heart
has learned to love with the sun up
without the midnight might in lusting
without the dim lights, candles orange blushing
without the blinding bright shine of bodies thrusting
nothing
compares to what once was
first years longing
first needs wanting
first times hungry for the hunt
new skin glowing
hot blood flowing
fire in my veins
treasures of the moment

of gold
it shines and it shimmers
gives the shivers
under skin like slivers stuck
warms like *** becomes the first ****
storms like thunder
rip tide pulling under
sweat from the first heat of summer

flourish
set your heart free
keep it for no one
give it eyes and let it see for itself

of the winter
this artificial heart
has learned to love with summers gone
never
has the want stung like what once was
first times laughing
first lines mapping
the first time writing from the soul
writhing in need and longingly losing control
first moments craving
flames paths blazing
running toward
fire in my veins

of gold
it gleams and glimmers
sparkles like glitter
into blood like poisons’ bite
burns like pyres bright white light
roars like oceans
first waves of emotions
***** secret kept notions
courses through veins and hot skin
intoxicating and welcoming within

flourish
set your heart free
keep it for no one
give it eyes and let it see