***** den dreams
of laudanum and lace
visions of my pleasures
missing the aftertaste

sssh
listen and you can hear me sniffin
the sick cringe of addiction
on a binge with my affliction
healing what's crippled
with my own personal prescription

the sun goes down
the sun goes up
none of the chaos
ever goes away

chasing the idea of a real escape
a break from this life before it takes it's toll
breaking hopes taking dreams
and smothering my restless soul

bound and gagged
I say nothing
tied to a plate by eight white lines
and hushed by a drip
that robs my voice

that hush must be just the reason
I never paused even to ask myself if
I should stop

I realized I hurt
I realized I could forget
for a little while
I realized I found a way
I could breathe easy and smile
I realized it got out of control
I realized it went further than that
I realized it takes away everything that is me
but what the **** do I do
when I'm sober and
I realize this is reality

sssh listen
laudanum and lace
and everything tastes
like heaven

baby's got dreams
she dreams her way to your
heart strings
baby thinks things
thinks she needs to be clean
clean and cleansed of the bad things

the heart brings
bad dreams
when you're baby's
doll

baby's got dreams
she dreams her way down the road
dreams that she has her own control
that it means something
when she creeps into your lusting
and gives herself like gold

she gives herself
and she makes it cold
the way she just stares
because of what her emotions have been told
so it isn't aged it's just old
for everyone that's searching
with a compass
with a map
for gold

and it is so cold

I honestly don't know how I got here
I truly think I
must've taken the wrong streets
I don't think that this looks like my house
these don't look like my things
I wouldn't have come if I had known
that I would be intruding
I must of lost my way a little ways back

can someone tell me how to make my way home
I'd like to go home

the roar in my head
is the rush all around me
people rushing by
as the fear rushes in
suddenly I'm waist deep
suddenly I'm neck deep
suddenly I'm drowning
in this room getting full
and the strangest part is strangers swimming by
smiling like they know me
and all my words head for the surface
but don't make a sound

I close my eyes
to take it all in
this trip I took
taking all the wrong streets
and I know there's no reason to ask
and there's no one to blame
when I write all the rules
then change them all when I lose the game
when I create the calm and all the chaos
that comes down on me
so I try to calm the chaos and calm down
and open my eyes wide enough to see

my shirt doesn't quite fit
my face isn't quite me
this looks just like my life
but it just couldn't be
the suns a little dim
the world seems a little small
I seem a little older
and there's no music at all
and all my friends have different names
and I have lost it
so I head for the door

seeing everything change has made me lose it
and I head for the door

the door comes open
more comes crashing inside
I let it all back in
all the things i tried to hide
all the hopes i had hoped
the ways i miss friends
all the times that I choked
the ways I'm scared it will end
how it's funny how mirrors won't lie
like people will
sometimes you've gotta get a look at your life
like no one else ever will

can someone tell me how to make my way back
I'd like to go home
someone told me that you never get it back
that you can't go home

I'd like to go home

My trust must be a little rusty
because I can't hear truth when I hear the words
trust me
lies like paper cuts **** up my memories
that still bleed when I feel
I'm still bleeding cause hearts don't heal
scars never forget and I never forget what I feel
I wouldn't say I'm jaded
but fake kisses taste just the same
so I'm just cautious
with where I get on and get off this
it's a long way down if you look
but if you don't you're blind and naive

so what the **** does that leave to believe

this world takes strength to endure
nothings ever forever and nothings for sure
so take it all with a grain of salt
and try not to choke on what you swallow
if today is ****
don't rest there's more **** tomorrow
and this ride doesn't end
so stop looking for an ending
this rip tide is for real
so stop reaching for and depending
on anyone who says trust me
cause it's just you in the end

and what the **** does that leave to believe in

so say a little prayer that the truths you believe
are really reality
and pray once more for me that this life
doesn't **** the rest of the belief out of me
because my soul is on fire with doubt
I am down in the ****
and I can't see my way out
because I am blind and naive

so what the **** does that leave for me to believe

Pristine
the feeling of my feelings being clean
if you've never needed cleansing
never been truly *****
then you won't know what I mean
if you've never sniffed your rent money
to forget the failure you mirror has seen
then you don't know how mean
being a filthy version of yourself can seem
impossible to overcome
needing solutions to problems you see
tragedy your life has trouble hiding
the stealing of your ability
to live life comfortably
stolen by your shortcomings

I am *****
and scrubbing the ******* skin
scared the filth will sink in
trying to wash it off
and all to often
rubbing the dirtiness in

nothing is pretty when your life hurts
there's no new beginning
when you feel you’re at an end
and always asking the question
would it truly matter
if I end me

I often offend the healthy
with my rantings of the hell that's inside me
anxiety writhing in my mind
my mental health on a steady decline

I light fires in self destruction
hoping to burn it all down
and find the light hiding on the other side
true I mostly make mistakes when my hate’s feeding
but mistakes tend to teach
if you reach for their meaning

so be humble and don't judge me
you'd ******* crumble
carrying what I carry inside me
but I'm still standing
maybe teetering on the fence
in all my decisions of
needs I have versus my inhibitions
but it takes all my strength
just to get out of bed in the morning
and be me
needing to feel pristine

sick of this
sins and bliss
mouthfuls of mistress
the thick scent of temptress
every evening spent with
my relentless cortizan princess
the two of us
together tonight
too far too fast
too much too much
it’s all
too much

what does she hear
in the silence here between us
what place do i touch
hidden in her heart she keeps
when my hands
find her secrets deep
inside
what does she keep inside

we both knew
what you wanted of me
and what wants i had too
lines crossed
now the closer you pull me
the further i push you
we two again i push it in
close my eyes
blind to these make believe times
of your hand in mine
but all five count no ring
and nothing i can bring to this
can make our tryst
more than what it is,

two people too lonely
to leave two hearts
in an empty room with a rented key

it’s all too much

i can see it in the glow in your eyes
and i know you’re mine
and we talk and we laugh and we play
and i know you’re mine

yes i love to sleep in your arms i say
and i’ll let you hear the words
if it makes you feel it makes it alright

my heart’s not mine i’m forever hers i say
you stare and you smile and you ask
if it’s alright that you stay
and all the words mean nothing
when you hear what you want to hear
and you hear what you want

and so we turn this room into
a secret kept between us two
and you keep the secret from yourself
of my heart broken in two
and our charade continues

though she owns the other half
you have to have what you want
and all i want is to feel this here with you

you push the buttons on your shirt
and i see her shape
you run your fingers through my hair
and i feel her hands
tonight here with you
i’ll be with her

why why why how can this be
this has happened to me
you want me so much and her so little
and me feeling so little and wanting her
so much
how can this be when i dared to dream

i see the sun trace her lines
like i’ll lose my mind
staring at the skin so bright
it makes me blind to the world
watching the gold sun colors of love
run down her neck
and over her shoulders
and across her tummy
and it’s all more than me

and it’s been more than me
for far too long

you smile and you kiss me and pretend you don’t see
my hands making love to her memories
kissing her in tattered pictures
picturing her here with me
but it’s all in my head
and it’s always been
for far too long
and all i want is to feel this
here with you

and so i turn this all into
an empty afternoon between us two
and i keep the secret from myself
of my heart fixed by you
my heart could be fixed by you

tonight i’ll sleep in your arms
and i’ll be with her