I don't write like I used to and I think it's because I'm starting to hate myself

I've been watching someone paint all morning
He started with orange and pink
Now I see shades of blue and light green
Since I woke up, he's been painting
On the largest canvas I've ever seen

A wonderful artist,
Though sometimes sloppy, still highly unique
He wants to show everyone
He's an artist without a secret to keep

He's been painting since I was little
And long before then, too  
I know the pattern of his brush strokes
Look up now and then, and so could you

I don't know the painters of the sky
But they paint all day and I never ask why
It's beautiful, so why should I?
They're beautiful, who are these guys?

I don't know the painter of the moon
But the sun always sleeps
So I'll watch him paint soon
And I don't know the painter of the stars
But when the paints still wet
I know he can't be far

I know a lot of artists
But not one who paints the sky
I imagine they're good people
That like to paint for you and I

How many times do I have to talk you down from that ledge before I jump off this one?
If you're gonna load that gun again you might as well put two bullets in
One for me and one for you, and I'll even shoot myself so that you don't have to

I don't want to talk about it but I guess I should, shouldn't I?
I know all the neighbors saw what these four walls couldn't hide
Did they hear his door slam then lock?
Did they hear his gun load and then ****?
Could they hear me begging for him to let me in?
Could they hear his refusal, harsh and thick as sin?
I heard everything

How many times do I have to beg for the same life?
How many miles in this tunnel before we see a light?
We've been fighting for you,
but you're not fighting for us
I know life is ******,
but really, what is the rush?
I want to understand,
help me make you tough
Slow down, daddy
You've been drinking way too much
And not laughing nearly enough
Can you smile, please?
If not for you, for me?

Hospital walls have never been too comforting
They cave in at night when the doctors are sleeping
And the nurses are on break, having a smoke together
You told me things were good and, if I waited, that they'd be getting better
But I've been waiting outside and I think the rain just keeps getting wetter
I've been waiting, and nothing seems to be any better

I've been making this about me, haven't I?
I'm so sorry, please allow me to apologize
I just can't find the right words to save my dad's life,
But I won't stop talking until they come out right
I won't give up on the life that made mine

I love you, daddy
We can do this,
we'll be fine

Just put your hands in mine
I will carry your weight until you're ready
I need you
Don't leave me, daddy

I told you I tried to **** myself that night,
and I lied.
Not because I wanted the attention,
or needed it.
What I needed was for you to know how real it was.
I lied,
but that doesn't mean I didn't want to.

There I was

Holding an umbrella on the sunniest of days

Then he came

When he asked me why, I replied, “Just because”

I knew he saw all the pain I contained

And I felt he watched that boy love me then leave

He took my umbrella and told me I didn’t need to stop hiding

I just needed to find a new place for it

I agreed, and he took me in his arms and asked, “How’s this work?”

In that moment I knew why my past love was no longer present

I knew why in his arms I was sheltered from all hurt

It’s not that I think he’s a perfect person

Some days I even put a question to ‘I love you’s’ directed towards him

But without him I’d still be carrying the same umbrella

Wishing the sun would do as I did and hide

Wishing it would rain forever

Now I couldn't care less about the weather

I’ve got something way better

Your craziness calms my stress,
And your smile makes my stomach flutter.
I will always give you my best,
Even if we’re not meant for one another.

I saw you smile today,
And I smiled at the way,
I wanted to kiss your smile.
Wanted to make your time with me,
Worth all the while.

I’m the steamin’ end of Summer,
You’re the fall that came to cool me down.
There’s a tornado comin’ my way.
Baby, can you turn it around?

Just like the seasons,
We’re side to side for some strange reason.
To balance each other out.
Ain’t that what this crave is all about?

To find someone who’s weirdness reflects yours,
What more could we ask for?

We spent all summer together.
I slept til noon every day, which now I regret because I realize I could have spent more time with you then I did, but each day I woke up, I woke up to a phonecall with a voicemail to follow it up.
You would say “hey babe, it’s me” because you knew I had your voice memorized.
And even if I hadn’t, I had memorized the pattern we spent our summer following.
You’d call me while I was sleeping and wait til I woke up, and I’d call you before I blinked for the first time that day.
You could never wait for me to get ready, so you’d come and watch me as I picked out my outfit and put on my makeup while you proceeded to tell me each and every day that I never needed it.
But August of that summer, you left.
You went to bootcamp.
I wrote you every single day, multiple times a day.
And you replied when you got the chance, which wasn’t often but understandable.
And even though you are hers now, I keep those 12 letters you wrote me those 10 weeks away from home in a wooden box on top of my dresser because knowing they’re there brings me back to you.
To that summer we were so happy and in love.
That summer you took my heart.
And that same summer you never gave it back.