The door is shut and I'm
Thinking usually
About a system that doesn't work
A tire that is broke
When payday will be
And about a guy lately
I'll tell myself I need to write
It's been hard to concentrate
Like I was tapping my feet
Contorts into strange positions
Like an acrobat
Rusted pinecones
On the sidewalks curve
Pine trees dark green
Christmas lights and the
Colorado flag with the red C
Draped on balconies
Tilted driveway with
Small patches of ice
Telephone wires scrape the sky
And the poles line the streets
Sometimes there's screaming
On the concrete stairs
I'm lost to myself and everyone
Else when abrasive moodswings
Speaking in contradictions
Plague my weary mind
Like I'm running away from Someone else
Like they forgot my name that
I call myself
And there's no cave deep
Enough
No storm volatile enough
No words clear enough
People everywhere in my
Peripherals
Spacing out in broad daylight
Like I've never heard of a
Clock
Winter fell in love with the
Idea of Summer
And tried so hard to capture
That lofty breeze
Dreaming of palm trees and
Oceantides and tanning
Under saphire skies
But
Winter means hot coco and
Layers of blanket
And when Winter tried to change
He was heartbroken when the
Icicles persisted in spite
I guess I should know
Like do old couple's constantly
Question if they're in love?
No.
They don't.
It's unspeakable.
I must be blind maybe
Like when I worry about how
You feel when you're sitting right
Next to me
Sometimes I freak myself out
Looking for a semblance of
Safety in us
I guess I should know
You're never homeless for
Earth's your home
It's the air you breathe
When your home is under
Your feet
And they call the shelterless
"Poor"?
What is family anymore?
It became glimpses
From the present to the past
To the future
Still like a hearse
In technicolor
Revolving doors passengers
Slide through
Just passing by for a little
Bit of time
Mesmerized by candlelit
Pictures on shelves
By books only passerbyes
Glance at.

****
I'm covered in fears-
They are broken down in my bones
I fear I've lost someone
Not to be dramatic but the
Cataclysmic quakes in my
Ribcage beating like static say
Otherwise.
Maybe I'm more lost than I knew
Maybe I'm the one out of all
Of those who love you and out of
All of those who hate you that
Will hurt you the most
Maybe I'm not me right now
I'm someone else
But
Who were we on that silver
Night When we first met
Now I just feel like ****
I feel like I was breathed
In and spit back out
When nothing was real why didn't
We dance?
When everything turned we fell
Apart
At least what little likeability
I thought I had
And for a few moments everything
Was one
It all made sense at the end
Of my tongue
These words that **** the numb
Expression when my voice is too
Shaky to carry through ripples
But words are only words
( Or so someone told me.)
It was the best worst night
It's like
When you said you didn't care
About anything anymore
At first those declarations
Hung clear but later
Became much darker to my
Ears to hear you say
And it became the darkest
Early morning
I'll be you're guide
Through heaven and hell like
When I say "I do care"
Lead you through labyrinths
And the river Styx
Into the swarthy wings of
The cherubim's gate's
I do care.

Yule tirade is over and gone
With the mystic mountains all
Snow-laden
Crushed underneath a cotton
Wave of sky
On the other side of the
Window I sit with a towel
Draped over my thighs
I cheated on the sky with the sea
I felt his waves crash against me
And my dry phalanges began to
Prune
Within the thick fog that I
Drove straight through
Was just a few hours ago
I slept in the same bed
With someone I've never
Met before
23 years old with a beard
The shade of cherry wine
I bit his sinewy neck
And dazed upon the Winter sky
He suffers from anxiety attacks
He told me-
As we shared a cigarette-
He's staying with his parents
Because he has no job
And they have a cleaning lady
But it's really just the next-door
Neighbor he said
He likes folk music and
Dresses like a lumberjack

Electric skylines
Light rail graffiti speeding
Reflections on windows out
Into the night
Shaking
Glimpses of strangers in the seat
Opposite mine
I wonder how they got their
Life
Where they are going
And I keep to myself
The lights flicker
I play with my fingers and
Kick up my shoes
Thinking to myself
These travelling ghosts
Arrive off different stops
To places that dissappear
Into the dark

Tickle my insides like
Someone did once
Manage to dust off that
Place I cannot touch
Tell me stories of your life
And memories
Unravel the tangled intricacies
That are within me
If I was more stable
More wise
I wouldn't feel like maybe there's
More behind those eyes
This game used to feel easy
But now I feel pressured by
Subjecting myself to exploitation
And exposure
What will become of that smile
I remember
I can't make someone stay no
Matter what I do
I'd rather be alone than you just
Passing through
Patience right now to guide me
To good sense
To clarity
To a semblance of safety in all
The risks
All of this feels like a test
And I break like glass
Entangled in the premise of
Fulfilling your wishes
But how do you defeat paralysis?
I'm not dumb as I act
I just have to push myself gently
Back onto track
I'm exploring the terrain
That is you
And if that's a mistake it's one
I repeatedly do
You got to jump without knowing where you'll fall
Falling I say is fun
So let's have a ball
Let's fill that space between us
**** all of this.
**** it all.

I heard somber news just
Yesterday
I heard two young men had died
I called these men friends once
Upon a time
He had messaged me five days
Before
But we weren't the same people
Anymore
Strange how the faces you see
About you can dissipate and
Disappear
After every trial and tear a life
Simply ends
Without a great moment
Something vague and undefinable
Stories of how good and how caring
These guys were
And of how they will live on
Even though their smiles and
Bodies have drifted away and
Gone
Made me think of mortality
How one slid on an icy road could Change so much
Leave a baby without his father
What stays is the memory in
People's hearts they touched
But it could be tomorrow
Or any unexpected time
And I don't believe you would
Ever put their portraits or
Pictures away
Memories weren't meant to
Gather dust
Where do we go after we die?
That spark of energy that lit your
Eyes