i sit here
thinking
reading all the words i wrote
not too long ago;
though it feels
like that time was years ago.
i still haven't seen you since then
but you are still,
with no doubt,
are on my mind
i read through all the words i wrote
shortly after seeing you
and all the memories come flooding back.
but its my fault,
i did this to myself.
i am the only one to blame

sometimes i would find her;
curled in a ball,
music leaking from the earbuds im her ears,
her hands tearing at her hair,
muttering to herself under her breath,
she didn't know i was there
until,
of course
i sat in bed with her
she stayed in her ball
and i knew
i had to get her out of it
i did all i knew that would help
and eventually,
after awhile,
and some prying
she was sprawled out on the bed,
head on my chest,
and breathing even;
but her face
was still ******* up
in a worried state,
but i had gotten used to it,
thats how her face usually was

every time i don't think about him
that makes me think about him
because i think
"hey i haven't thought about him in awhile"
and that just makes
the thought of him
come barelling back into my head
i just can't get him out
he always comes back

the funny thing is
when i saw you
i thought
you were
so much older than me
(it would've been much easier if that was the case)
but you
had to be the same age as me
just that small fact
made me fall even more in love with you
than i thought possible

you are like a drug
addicting
i can never get enough
i always want more
and more
and more
i just want your touch
one more sniff of your smell
to watch you do what you love
to listen to you talk about it
just so i can listen to your voice
watch you walk
look into your beatiful eyes once more
i just want more of you
but i will never
get any of you

he just won't leave
he is still in my head
the memory of him
every memory we made
in the short time we spent together
they play over and over in my head
never ending
i tried to get you out
music and running helped
for a short while
but you always come back
i try writing my feelings out
seeing if that will help
putting you into words
like my other methods
it only helped for a little bit
i guess you're here to stay
you and your memories
stuck in my brain
until i find someone
or something else
to kick you out

the next morning i didnt now what to do with myself. i was in a funk, essentially. so i did the only thing i could think of. i wrote a letter back to him.

hi, um. im not very good at writing letters. and we both know im worse than you with expressing feelings. so im going to try. its probably going to be ****. anyways i like the mixtape, its cool. all my favorite songs. i like the thought. thanks. i hope you've been well. i've been ok, could be better.
hows your first year of high school? i hope the upperclassmen aren't too ******* you, because you are a 16-year old freshman. and i hope you found some biker friends.
i know you dont care about my life but i have no one to talk to, so i'll tell you.
well junior year has been- well its definetly been busy, but its been fun. i have a freshman in band that loves me.
well thats all i really have to update on my life.
i hope we can talk soon. maybe even in person.
sincerely,
K

i put the pen down and read over the letter. i was so lame. i sounded like a robot.

i picked up another piece of paper and started writing again; letting it all come out.

P.S. well that first part was really lame, i apologize. but i didnt know what to write and i don't have any package to explain, so i was lost. anyways this is real; every following word is true. i might've never said any of these, i might've said all of them. but they are all true.
wow where do i start.
i guess i'll kinda react/respond to things you said in your letter.
i didn't believe in love at first sight until you either. i also remember the first time i saw you. well really saw you. because i dont really remember the first time i saw you. i dont remember much about laying my eyes on you those first few days.
all i really remember is you literally took my breath away. i don't think i've ever felt butterflies like the first time i saw you.
you were on your bike. and of course i thought that was really hot. and i saw you again that time you mentioned. i was so self-concious because i could see you looking at me. i avoided looking at you completely. thats why i walked away right away. and then again (i think that night) when i was beside the playground and you showed up and started talking to my brother.
that night i went to bed happier than i had ever in a while. and then the next day. that was fun, as little as we did, it was the most fun day i've had in a while.
you brought me happiness. even before, you know.
i thought it was the cutest thing how determined you were to get the soccer ball back to me that day.
i loved how you would show up somewhere a few minutes after us.
well i just put everything onto paper for you. your welcome.
i still love you too. but i don't know what to do about this.
you may be the same age as me, but im going to college in a year and a half. you'll still be in high school. what are we going to do then? i don't know. do i want to get back together? i don't know. i don't know anything right now. do you? if you have any idea what to do, tell me please: enlighten me. i really do hope we can talk soon; really soon. i love you. always will, always did.
love, K

i thought of something and ran to my room, coming back out with notebook in my hand.

*P.P.S. i've attached some things in a notebook. i'll let you figure out what they are by yourself. feel free to use the rest of the notebook for anything. i have other copies of the things in the notebook.
-K

i opened the door, expecting mail only for my parents. but there was a package. with my name on it. i thought i recognize the handwriting but i must've been wrong. no one ever sent me letters, let alone packages.

i put it down on the table and opened it. inside was a CD case and an envelope.
i grabbed my old, decrepit CD player from my room and stuck in the CD. my favorite song blasted from the speakers. becoming more and more curious i opened the envelope.
i did recognize the handwriting.
i sat down and read the messy handwriting that i knew so well.

this is for you. and for me i guess.
im sorry i **** at openings. so i'll just start the letter.

you know that time i was over your house and you had to clean your room? so you left me with a computer? well i went on your itunes account and put some of your music on my phone so i could make this for you. a mixtape. im **** at telling people how i feel, so i do it through music. and i know you dont like the kind of music i like, so i used yours. (dont hate me for that) i made this to try and tell you all that im feeling. its quite random. but i tried to cover each and every one of my feelings. and i think it worked out pretty well. some are sad, some are angry, some are sentimental, like i said its random. but its my feelings. i hope you like it. its the first time i've ever made one of these so im sorry if its bad.

i put the letter on the table and my head in my hands.

when i went to pick it up, another piece of paper fell onto the floor. i picked it up, the handwriting the same as the other piece of paper in my hand.  i sat down again and sighed as i began to read.

P.S. i know it was a mutual descsion to, to be apart i guess. and i know we needed space. but i have one thing to say. i still love you. i always did. i always will. ever since i first saw you at the campground, i loved you. i never knew love at first sight existed until i saw you. i remember the exact moment i first saw you and fell in love. it was that night i was with your brother. you came over and asked him to do something. i dont know what you said, all i can remember is looking at you and my lungs caving in. your hair was in ponytail but the ends were thrown over your shoulder, just enough so i could see the blue. faded blue, but you wore it perfectly. i remember watching you walk away. my eyes following your every curve. trying to memorize it because i thought i would never get to see you again. and then that night. after your shower i guess. i saw you. then you went into your campsite and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. you were so close.
i watched you everyday. and i know you watched me too.
and i know i hurt you when i flirt with your cousin. it was stupid. i just didnt know how to get you attention. so i thought flirting with someone else would. and i know i hurt her too, because she thought i liked her. it was the stupidest thing i've ever done and i wont ever do it again.
i just wanted you to know all of this because i know i never told you any of this. i love you. always will. i just wanted you to know.
love, L

i just put the paper down and cried.

i dont know what I'M doing
im so lost in this world
in my mind
i feel like SCREAMING out
                                                             ­    "i cant do this"
but no one would hear what comes OUT
they pay me no mind
BUT i go on
                                                              ­            fighting
i chant in my head                                 "i can do this"
                                endlessly
i act like NOTHING is wrong
everyone is deceived
we all go along our everyday activities
                                                   "im doing it"
but IS it going to last much longer
i don't know
i still scream everyday                        silently
                        ­                        but                                      ­                                                                 ­  yet again
not                                   one                                  noise
is HEARD
                                 im done
i give up


                                                            ­               goodbye

good girls like bad boys*
i never knew this to be true
until
i met him
he looked like a bad boy
and acted like one
i have always been
the good girl
good grades
never truant
never causing trouble
but
i wanted different from that
something to stir up my life
he looked like
the golden oppoturnity
so i tried to go for it
but failed
and here i am
hes still on my brain
and wont seem to leave
so now im stuck

can your name please light up my phone?
oh wait
i need your number for that to happen
and confidence to ask for it
and a couple more weeks time
to get to know you maybe
and just be with you
because that seems
like it would be a lot of fun

i always fall in love
with the boys
who are afraid to show
who they truly are
the ones who try
to hide behind
a big personality
because
i am the same
i hide behind
my loud voice
and colored hair

hes still here
he wont leave
forever in my thoughts
which then are transferred to words
if he were here
and he cared
i would show him
all these words
i wrote
to show just
how hard i fell
in such a small time

when i first saw you
the first thought was
"badass"
but
when i first saw your face
it said
"opposite of badass"
i know
your face is telling the truth
you little softy

im usually drawn to blue eyes
but i guess
you broke a lot of my "usuallys" this week
but your eyes
they are the most beautiful brown
i have ever seen
they dont comform to the normal brown eyes
they sparkle when you smile
when you laugh
i love looking at the little crinkles in the corners
when you laugh too hard
at your own joke
i want to look into them all day
your deep
dark
perfect
beautiful
lovely
every wonderful verb in every language
arent enough to describe them

i can usually
read whats inside people
sometimes
sometimes not
but you
i could
you tried to act tough
wearing all black
screamo music blasting in your ears
black bike
dark sunglasses hiding your perfect brown eyes
swearing all the time
leaving things around
but the things you said
i know
you dont mean any harm
in any way
you made sure
i didnt take your words
the wrong way
please
just let me love you
so you dont have to hide anymore
so you can be
you
because
you are so perfect
to me

hes different
from all the boys
i have ever known
a badass vibe to him
with his black bike
and tan muscled arms
it attracted me
like no one else before

i saw him on a- actaully i dont know when i saw him first. probably late on the second or third day. we missed each other the first day. but i know, when i saw him, he stole away my breath. its such a cliche thing, but just this once i can say im not lying. i watched him on his bike. wide shoulders tan. snapback placed perciaously on his head. i spent the next two days staring at him. watching him leave his campsite each time and watching him return each time for reasons unknown by me. then she came, the third night. we went to the playground. i didnt expect anything to come out of it. but he was there. and my brother, oh wonderful brother, was friends with him. my heart welled. i talked to him for hours that night. i went to bed happy; happier than i've been in awhile. i had talked to him. the campground boy. the boy who stole away my breath. the next day, he came to the field right after us. i know why now; he wanted to get away from his family, i understand where hes coming from. unfortunately. but we spent the day together. then we went in the pool. this is the time my heart sank into the middle of the earth and hasnt come back yet. she flirted. and the worst part, he flirted back. my heart sank even more that night. i watched from the sidelines as they messed around with each other. him finding excuses to touch her. her giggling her boy-attracting giggle. ******* giggle. i went to bed that night, heart sank, never coming back. i will probably never see him again, but i can tell i will probably never be able to let him go fully. he was special. my age. different than the boys i know from school. i just know i will never forget his face, i will try not too. he was the last thing i saw as the car left the campground

i watch him as i walk behind him. i can feel an air of confidence coming off of him, partially because he had his head held high and his chest puffed out slightly. i let my eyes travel up and down his perfect body. because, to be honest, he will never ever notice me. im too insignificant for him to even look at me. his legs are perfectly muscled; not too much, not too much fat. my eyes follow the curve of his knee as it disappears into the bottom of shorts. his shorts just barely rest on his hips, i bet if you gave them a light tug they would come crashing down. my eyes travel over the perfect curve of his ****. i smirk, i would love to touch it, just like nemo. next is his perfectly shaped back, i follow the soft curves. the dip of his lower back up to his shoulder blades jutting out. oh how i wish my hands could trace those curves up and down, memorizing every dip and curve and flow. his shoulders flow perfectly into his muscular arms. his biceps are perfection. my eyes continue to travel up his neck to his perfect blonde hair. hes let it grow out, so its long, just how i love. but of course none of this is mine. however, as i continue to try to memorize his every curve with my eyes, he turns his head. he catches me staring and winks.