There was a storm today

     I held my hand out to see

   How long I could stand the pain

                   I got to 46

      Realized three things today

                   Rain is cold

     46 would be an okay age to die

And storms is just another thing

              To remind me of how

     You'd brighten my day,

            Always put a smile on my face,

              Remembered what made me who I am

    And I can't remember

        If I had the courage to be so sentimental

         After you silenced my doubt

           Of it being found

        But I can still feel the ache

     In my awkward body,

        Wanting nothing more than

    To hug you while I cry

And tell your shoulder

         That I would miss you

   That ache is all I can feel now

       And my cries are silent

      "I'll miss you's"

  But this pain isn't being young and scared

          That everything wouldn't work out

      Because you'd find a pretty girl
  
       To marry by that fall and forget

      The little, fat lost puppy that followed you around

            It's the kind of pain you get

   From wishing to do things

       With a passed loved one,

    The could haves,

            The should haves,

                   The would haves...

  


But it will always be too late.

Little girl in white and blue,

Keep your eyes on your own peper

This has nothing to do with you

Not everyone has that picture perfect life and lover

Some need things to help feel right

Im not proud of what holds me tight,

Turns this ugly frown

Into an uglier, wobbling upside down

Beast of a smile

Take my shoes for a mile,

Recognize the undeniable pain

Of holding on to something in vain

Find the true worth of your name

In your transparent, crystal blue veins

Reality of dying alone on tile floor

'Cause when they closed it,

They bolted shut that door

I wonder if I caused you this kind of pain,

Eyes hurt from the consistent rain

I wake with an insufferable start,

A dull hollow ache with every breath in my heart

Radiates from my chest to the tip of my toe,

It follows wherever I go

And I'm not one for dancing,

But I'm dancing with this truth

Lost in this decayed youth

You rest easy with views of a new home

And I'm the only one suffering alone

My knuckles are numb,
Dirt under my nails.
I scrub it off until my skin was red.

"And then we can meet again while searching for it."

"So you're supposed to know exactly when I'm searching for it?"

"...that does sound unrealistic."

"Another one of your great ideas."

I didn't find it.

Under the florescent bathroom lights, I realize you're everywhere still. And despite what you or anyone else thinks, my body is not big enough to not have you coursing through every inch of it.

You're in the air and you're in every thought I have now.

And I had a hard time believing all the plans you had, maybe if I had put more faith into it..I wouldn't have forgot. I wouldn't have been able to meet him and..I wouldn't have lied to you so much..

Which is why you'll never believe me when I say I will spend the rest of my life sorry for everything I did to you.

I went through my things
And I found it today

Out of everything,
I don't know what to say

There's nothing I would change
Even though I contemplated throwing it away