I didn’t drown cause my eyes was closed
I didn’t drown cause I allowed water into my nose
I didn’t drown cause I froze my lungs
I didn’t drown cause of the sad songs I’ve sung
I didn’t drown cause I was too deep in the ground
I didn’t drown cause I didn’t make a sound
I didn’t drown cause I used all my oxygen to sink to the bottom
I didn’t drown cause the world wasn’t fairyland and blossoms
I didn’t drown cause I licked the water off my lips
I didn't drown cause I lost my grip
I didn’t drown cause my mouth was filled with saltwater
I didn’t drown cause I couldn’t hold my breath longer
I didn’t drown cause I didn’t take the bridge
I didn’t drown cause I chose to keep swimming after seeing the dead bodies in the ditch
I didn’t drown cause I swam back to the sharks
that left me with many open marks
I didn’t drown cause I didn’t untie the block around my ankle
I didn’t drown cause I wasn’t a perfect angel
I drown in my depression i drown in my anger I drown in my own demons I drown in my own tears I drowned swimming in other people’s sea of expectations.
So that’s why I’m no longer here...

remember when you told me you love me? remember when you said we were always meant to be? remember when you said i was gonna be your only one? when you said you were in it for the long run? when you said you would never break my heart? when you told me nothing could ever tear us apart? remember when you held me when i cried? when you were always right there by my side? remember when you would stab yourself in order to just keep me alive? remember when you said no matter what happens you'll always take me as your bride? remember when our love was always full of laughter ? remember when for our love you were always a fighter? remember when you came rescue me in the burning flames? remember when you came to me everytime i shouted your name? remember when you would always pick me up cause i was so small? remember when we would always do anything just to get across even if we have to crawl? remember when you got to me even if it took your last breath? when you said our love is eternal until both meet one's death? remember when you brought me to the light when i got lost in the dark? remember everytime after you licked me you would always leave a mark? remember when you always bandaged me when i was bleeding? remember when you said the way i tease you was so pleasing? remember when you would touch me all over my body ? remember when you would always randomly tackle me? remember when you called me your only baby? remember when we were that couple that everyone envied? remember when you said you would never trade me for money? remember when everytime your body was against mines there was always a huge smile on my face? you probably didn't know, but, every single thing you did made my heart f*cking race. remember those times when our cuddling got intense ? remember those times when you massage me gently i never did self-defense? remember when you kissed me through the pain? remember when we got through the rain? when you held my hand? when you weren't afraid too let everyone know you were my man? when you told me i was the only one who matters? when you told me we will always take this path together? remember when we kissed? remember when we hugged? remember when you said i was your beloved? remember when you said we will always go on? no matter what went wrong? remember when we planned our future? remember when you told me you would always give me an amazing adventure? do you remember? that you said we would always be forever? when you told me the day we will be apart is never? I remember. I do cause sometimes when i look in the sky I still see you. it all disappeared in just a flash it's sad that all of it burnt down into ash from now on your just a memory that I’ll just bury...

pulling out the drawer, looking down at the blades
which one to use today?
staring down at my wrists choosing what design
one that’s easy to hide and hard to find
which arm to use?
some call it sick some call it abuse others call it crazy
but I call it truce
how much blood should spill?
I guess however much until I heal
when reminded I am broken
I start to ask where should I open?
one cut. . two cut. . three cut. .
when my knife gets decline
I seek demons who wait anxiously for my lifeline
I cut to feel
when nobody talks to you or cares, it’s the only thing that seems real
the razor the only thing I trust
when life gets too much
waking up each morning, horrified, at all these scars that must be covered
I’m the keeper and the blade is my owner
one cut.. two cut.. three cut..
in order to seal all my shame
bones is where I’ll aim
sobbing my pool of blood in horror
questioning myself everytime in the mirror
curving two vessels to see which blood comes out faster like a race
whenever painful tears get dry on my face
friends practicing what to con
while I practice what leg to draw on
always being the outcast
so I hid behind this blade is my mask
writing in my journal, how nice it must be to be normal.
one cut.. two cut.. three cut..
Slitting my guilt on my skin
pretty pictures grow bigger as the demon inside me I can’t win
making nice touches to let out my screams, then watching as my fear flows, closing my eyes to the afterlife I must go.
You are metal with no heart,
but in my life you became a huge part..

You’re suffering is what I thirst
I hope disease reaches you until you’re lungs burst
I want to experiment on your child
make you lose you’re laughter for a longwhile
I wish to pour acid on you’re face
so you can feel your heart stopping at its pace
I want to bury you alive
you’re failures is what I strive
hang you upside down while you bleed
videotape you as I hear your pleads
strangle you in your sleep
give you an excruciating death for your nasty greed
you’re downfall would be so delicious
I’ve lost sense of forgiveness

fraud Santa, no elves
I got use to it since I was twelve
families chanting bells
praying for each other to burn in hell
fake laughter as feasts are getting served
some are firm while others are shaking up in they’re nerves
kids making snow devils
disguised as snow angels
friends singing songs
while I sit in my dark room where I belong
in this huge house I was the forgotten unwanted child
standing there as siblings open presents with big smiles
bright lights
bleeding nights
people decorating trees
shiny black tea

empty shells
noisy bells
depression in my own personal hell
devils collecting my kisses, but I wouldn’t dare kiss and tell
my friends eating my flesh so I can become a pretty red rose
my shame breezing into my heart making sure it stays froze
like a bird with a broken wing
I am scared to fly thinking of the cuts it can bring

I have sharpened blades hidden in my jours but I haven’t used them yet
I bought stacks of acid but none are used yet
there’s a rope tied to the ceiling but I haven’t hung myself yet

secrets that won’t let me live simply
can’t tell anyone even the ones I love dearly
my prayers that only get lost in letters
my cries that turns bloodier
this poison only gets worse day by day
as I wake up each morning telling everyone I’m okay

hell is having a family dinner
heaven is mailing out ****** hammers
hell is having mother tuck me into bed
heaven is putting broken glass into peoples food for mean things they have said
hell is having a good dream
heaven is gutting into people’s limbs to hear their helpless screams
hell is embracing my family close
heaven is laying in the tub letting the flood of waters go through my nose
hell is buying pretty clothes at the mall
heaven is ******* my fingers into the metal wall
hell is having a pretty shiny crown
heaven is losing conscious while I hang myself upside down
hell is thinking love is real
heaven is swallowing 11 pills
hell is writing love notes
heaven is having open cuts on my throat
hell is thinking about my future
heaven is talking to all the creatures
hell is drawing unicorns on colorful papers
heaven is stealing razors
hell is getting redemption for my mistakes
heaven is when my personalities rotate
hell is talking about the days where I was beaten with a belt
heaven is pouring acid on my skin as I watch it melt
hell is wanting unconditional love that I thirst
heaven is rubbing my old wounds until they burst
hell is proving to everyone that my demons are liars
heaven is collecting tapes of thunder
hell is thinking the world is filled with hope
heaven is looking at dolls with microscopes
hell is having positive thoughts in my head
heaven is going days without meat, rice, and even bread
hell is letting people hear my cries
heaven is sinking wires into my eyes
hell is playing tag running in circles
heaven is injecting random liquids into my body with needles
hell is being on honeymoon in Seattle
heaven is pulling triggers as I hear all my cells rattle
hell is getting kisses from night to dawn

striped naked
videotaped in fear
losing tons of weight just to make it
helpless screams for many years
head dunk in the toilet
deep long ****** slits
numb cells
books covered in “go to hell!”
walking home barefeet
excessive studying until my fingers bleed
photoshopped pictures
nasty rumors
hands tied with wires
clothes set on fire
mouth covered
***** whispers
****** nose
smashed toes
shaving every piece of my hair
getting beaten, grasping for air
soaked lunch
stares by a bunch
overdosed on drugs
lost out on love
hiding bruises with makeup
new owner everyday like a lost pup
trophies thrown on the ground
papers with absurd notes, as I sit at my desk not making a sound
dirt shoved in my throat
as I write this last goodbye note
I remember all the unkind names
slow, freak, ****, sick, *******...it was all so dark
as I’ve already triggered a bullet to the brain so there’s no longer a beat in my heart..

happiness is only temporary.

Kinda like stars you know.

you can see it. you can try to reach it.
you can make wishes upon it.
but never actually touch it.

it looks pretty at night, but will disappear as soon as dawn hits.

alot of times fools get burn from looking too hard deluding themsevles that stars exsist during the day without realizing what they're actually looking at is the sun.

she doesn’t come to school anymore, the girl who called me crazy for my depression
They were all so happy. My mom. My dad. My bestfriend. My mentor. .
“no more therapy sessions”
Ashely, who called my child a curse
is now crying for her child who died just after birth
everyday realizing my pride is destroyed
peter is now receiving dead toys
Adam, who videotaped my cutting
is now framed for overused drugs in jail venting
lily, who caused me ****** big blisters
was caught cheating and is now getting abuse everyday with her scary mother
Rosa, who forced me to walk through glass
is now in a coma from poisonous gas
Tyler, who told everyone, I talk to the wall
now has a patch over his eyeball
Xena, who tied my hands with wires
has watched every piece of her hair burn into fire
Oliver, who locked me in dark rooms
was found dead in the same cold room
Liam, who left notes with mean names in my locker
is now in pain with his ******* leg, as he can no longer play soccer
Lucas, who always left spit on my face leaving me with great grief
is now coming to school everyday with fake teeth
As the list of names goes on who’ll pay the price for making my life hell..

kinda ***** ya know.

you feel a little depress so you eat. Take a nap once you are done.

Getting up actually hungry this time. looking through you’re things.

flashes comes back.

“oh yea I already ate the last of my food.”

so you just head back to you’re nap.

a slave to my own bitterness
laying in my bed everyday just lifeless
hanging my head over the rope
to get rid of all the choked tears in my throat
no smiles no family no light no hope
pass point of saving when I broke
no forgiving no letting go
body is numb as I just watch evil grow
feel and your fingers will get cut off
no screaming no going soft
run and your legs will be broken
no diamonds no pearls no tokens
bleed and you’ll bleed more
so hard, so horrific, so bad, to the core
cry and your eyes will be gauged out and you’ll go blind
this place is not kind
I see other people here as to no surprise
no happy ending no fairytale very few live and many dies
adults, children, teens, even newborns
hell continues as they blow the horn
hammers, blades, fires, you name it.
weak ones have already called quits.


demons say sit. I sit.
demons say rollover. I rollover.
demons say cut. I cut.
demons say starve. I starve.
demons say feed. I feed.

I’m a dog to they're order
like a pub to his master

You hide behind me as your mask
cause I make all your nightmares disappear fast
as blood drops when i slice through your finger
you rage in your anger
once I curve pictures that are bloodier
it silence all the whispers
you lead me through the red lines deeper and deeper into your veins
as I guide you further and further through the demons lane
when your shame makes your mind mental
that’s when I’ll slit open your vessel
as painful tears starts pouring from your eyes, I’ll violently ram into your bones
in a dark room you’ll tell your dark secrets to me and my clones
your wishes didn’t come true that you had begged upon the stars
I think that’s when you started your collection of blood of jars
you tell me stories that I’ll beautifully split people eyeballs
people who calls you ugly, people who calls you a freak, people who calls you crazy
I rip your skin to little itty bitty pieces so you could feel alive
but truth is, you’ve already died
I fight your battles
cause I’ve made all your cells unstable
in the cabins I am sealed away
as you go out to the world telling everyone your okay..

you don't necessarily need people to say it.

you're a freak.
you're crazy.
you're a ******.
you have issues.
you're ugly.
you're a ****.

after awhile you can just kinda tell that's how people view you.

you're a freak.
you're crazy.
you're a ******.
you have issues.
you're ugly.
you're a ****.

You release your screams when I break your bones
playing rat and mouse game with my clones
I silent all the voices by smashing your head until I see your skull
slowly, I'm making you a *******
I am carved with all these names
some that had left you for the fame
while others are the ones who died trying to get you out of the burning flames
some nights you’ll wake up charging me with a knife
by dawn demons would make you forget secretly taking your life
for every battle you lose, I’ll relieve you until your limbs snap
your addicted to the sounds I make to your body like “crack!”
I help you when your heart gets emotionally soft
more and more blood you have to wipe off
you started building me friends, asking which metal would hurt more?
less and less you became the child nobody longer adores

She jumped. I catched her.

she got angry. she screamed.
she got hungry. she ate.
she got tired. she slept.
she had problems. she talked about it.
her eyes got red. she cried.
she got lonely. she went out with friends.

She jumped. I couldn’t catch her.
she flew. I watched in horror.

she got angry. she smiled.
she got hungry. she was eating less.
she got tired. she didn’t sleep.
she had problems. she bottled it in.
her eyes got red. she laughed.
she got lonely. she locked herself in her room.