pulling out the drawer, looking down at the blades
which one to use today?
staring down at my wrists choosing what design
one that’s easy to hide and hard to find
which arm to use?
some call it sick some call it abuse others call it crazy
but I call it truce
how much blood should spill?
I guess however much until I heal
when reminded I am broken
I start to ask where should I open?
one cut. . two cut. . three cut. .
when my knife gets decline
I seek demons who wait anxiously for my lifeline
I cut to feel
when nobody talks to you or cares, it’s the only thing that seems real
the razor the only thing I trust
when life gets too much
waking up each morning, horrified, at all these scars that must be covered
I’m the keeper and the blade is my owner
one cut.. two cut.. three cut..
in order to seal all my shame
bones is where I’ll aim
sobbing my pool of blood in horror
questioning myself everytime in the mirror
curving two vessels to see which blood comes out faster like a race
whenever painful tears get dry on my face
friends practicing what to con
while I practice what leg to draw on
always being the outcast
so I hid behind this blade is my mask
writing in my journal, how nice it must be to be normal.
one cut.. two cut.. three cut..
Slitting my guilt on my skin
pretty pictures grow bigger as the demon inside me I can’t win
making nice touches to let out my screams, then watching as my fear flows, closing my eyes to the afterlife I must go.
You are metal with no heart,
but in my life you became a huge part..

You hide behind me as your mask
cause I make all your nightmares disappear fast
as blood drops when i slice through your finger
you rage in your anger
once I curve pictures that are bloodier
it silence all the whispers
you lead me through the red lines deeper and deeper into your veins
as I guide you further and further through the demons lane
when your shame makes your mind mental
that’s when I’ll slit open your vessel
as painful tears starts pouring from your eyes, I’ll violently ram into your bones
in a dark room you’ll tell your dark secrets to me and my clones
your wishes didn’t come true that you had begged upon the stars
I think that’s when you started your collection of blood of jars
you tell me stories that I’ll beautifully split people eyeballs
people who calls you ugly, people who calls you a freak, people who calls you crazy
I rip your skin to little itty bitty pieces so you could feel alive
but truth is, you’ve already died
I fight your battles
cause I’ve made all your cells unstable
in the cabins I am sealed away
as you go out to the world telling everyone your okay..

she doesn’t come to school anymore, the girl who called me crazy for my depression
They were all so happy. My mom. My dad. My bestfriend. My mentor. .
“no more therapy sessions”
Ashely, who called my child a curse
is now crying for her child who died just after birth
everyday realizing my pride is destroyed
peter is now receiving dead toys
Adam, who videotaped my cutting
is now framed for overused drugs in jail venting
lily, who caused me ****** big blisters
was caught cheating and is now getting abuse everyday with her scary mother
Rosa, who forced me to walk through glass
is now in a coma from poisonous gas
Tyler, who told everyone, I talk to the wall
now has a patch over his eyeball
Xena, who tied my hands with wires
has watched every piece of her hair burn into fire
Oliver, who locked me in dark rooms
was found dead in the same cold room
Liam, who left notes with mean names in my locker
is now in pain with his ******* leg, as he can no longer play soccer
Lucas, who always left spit on my face leaving me with great grief
is now coming to school everyday with fake teeth
As the list of names goes on who’ll pay the price for making my life hell..

I didn’t drown cause my eyes was closed
I didn’t drown cause I allowed water into my nose
I didn’t drown cause I froze my lungs
I didn’t drown cause of the sad songs I’ve sung
I didn’t drown cause I was too deep in the ground
I didn’t drown cause I didn’t make a sound
I didn’t drown cause I used all my oxygen to sink to the bottom
I didn’t drown cause the world wasn’t fairyland and blossoms
I didn’t drown cause I licked the water off my lips
I didn't drown cause I lost my grip
I didn’t drown cause my mouth was filled with saltwater
I didn’t drown cause I couldn’t hold my breath longer
I didn’t drown cause I didn’t take the bridge
I didn’t drown cause I chose to keep swimming after seeing the dead bodies in the ditch
I didn’t drown cause I swam back to the sharks
that left me with many open marks
I didn’t drown cause I didn’t untie the block around my ankle
I didn’t drown cause I wasn’t a perfect angel
I drown in my depression i drown in my anger I drown in my own demons I drown in my own tears I drowned swimming in other people’s sea of expectations.
So that’s why I’m no longer here...

hell is having a family dinner
heaven is mailing out ****** hammers
hell is having mother tuck me into bed
heaven is putting broken glass into peoples food for mean things they have said
hell is having a good dream
heaven is gutting into people’s limbs to hear their helpless screams
hell is embracing my family close
heaven is laying in the tub letting the flood of waters go through my nose
hell is buying pretty clothes at the mall
heaven is ******* my fingers into the metal wall
hell is having a pretty shiny crown
heaven is losing conscious while I hang myself upside down
hell is thinking love is real
heaven is swallowing 11 pills
hell is writing love notes
heaven is having open cuts on my throat
hell is thinking about my future
heaven is talking to all the creatures
hell is drawing unicorns on colorful papers
heaven is stealing razors
hell is getting redemption for my mistakes
heaven is when my personalities rotate
hell is talking about the days where I was beaten with a belt
heaven is pouring acid on my skin as I watch it melt
hell is wanting unconditional love that I thirst
heaven is rubbing my old wounds until they burst
hell is proving to everyone that my demons are liars
heaven is collecting tapes of thunder
hell is thinking the world is filled with hope
heaven is looking at dolls with microscopes
hell is having positive thoughts in my head
heaven is going days without meat, rice, and even bread
hell is letting people hear my cries
heaven is sinking wires into my eyes
hell is playing tag running in circles
heaven is injecting random liquids into my body with needles
hell is being on honeymoon in Seattle
heaven is pulling triggers as I hear all my cells rattle
hell is getting kisses from night to dawn

happiness is only temporary.

Kinda like stars you know.

you can see it. you can try to reach it.
you can make wishes upon it.
but never actually touch it.

it looks pretty at night, but will disappear as soon as dawn hits.

alot of times fools get burn from looking too hard deluding themsevles that stars exsist during the day without realizing what they're actually looking at is the sun.

You release your screams when I break your bones
playing rat and mouse game with my clones
I silent all the voices by smashing your head until I see your skull
slowly, I'm making you a *******
I am carved with all these names
some that had left you for the fame
while others are the ones who died trying to get you out of the burning flames
some nights you’ll wake up charging me with a knife
by dawn demons would make you forget secretly taking your life
for every battle you lose, I’ll relieve you until your limbs snap
your addicted to the sounds I make to your body like “crack!”
I help you when your heart gets emotionally soft
more and more blood you have to wipe off
you started building me friends, asking which metal would hurt more?
less and less you became the child nobody longer adores