you always wanted to catch me.
you drove around town baiting me until you hooked me.
you gutted me in front of everyone and worst of all...
you nailed me to a piece of plywood for everyone to mock forever
I've always wanted to be your girl.
I thought I knew what would come with it.
But I didn't. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know.
I didn't know about the homemade coffee. The coffee that warms me up from the inside. The coffee that says to me, "I'll never stop taking care of you."
I didn't know about the driveway. The driveway that makes my heart sink every time I roll out of it because there's not a guarantee that I'll see your eyes on mine again. The driveway that says to me, "I bet you miss him already."
I didn't know about the hands. The hands that hold my head up for me when I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. The hands that say to me, "I'll never let go of you."
But I did know your love would hit me the hardest. I knew that by pressing your lungs into mine, you would draw life into me once again. And you did.
You are my life, my love, my happiness.
And I am your girl.
I wish I were little again
When I’d never heard the word suicide
And I didn’t know how someone could be broken enough to not open their eyes
When I didn’t think twice about people
And when bad guys all wore masks
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling from the sky.
It's panicked at first. The wind stretches my face until it burns and my heart aggressively climbs into my throat. I can't seem to open my eyes. My body feels impossibly heavy and surprisingly lightweight at the same time. I try to grab for something- anything at all. My hands turn up empty.
After the panic is over I find myself anticipating the crash and the crackle of my bones. I squeeze my eyes shut and dig my fingernails into my palms until I'm sure I'll manage to split my own hands open. My teeth gruesomely grind against each other, sending a horrific sensation through my jaw. But the anticipation lasts an eternity. I find myself waiting for so long that I begin to welcome the crash, tired of the dread mercilessly sprinting through my body. But it never comes.
I look down and I see nothing.
If I had three wishes, they'd all be for the benefit of you.
The way you draw life into me simply by pressing your lungs deeply into mine is something I may never be able to fathom
I have so much faith in God. I love him. I know he loves me too because he has lead me to you. More than once.
God knows that every step you take I must be right beside you because otherwise, I might forget how to keep moving and stay still forever.
God knows that when you steadily make your chest rise and fall I must sync my lungs to yours so I don't forget how to breathe and stay breathless forever.
God knows that when you lift your perfect face to the sun I must lift my face alongside you so I will never forget to let the sun embrace me and keep me from spending my days in the dark forever.
I have so much faith in us. I love you. And I know you love me too because of the way you lead me into light. Every day.
I don't know why God gave me you to wrap yourself around me.
No one's embrace has ever been wide enough to cover the surface area of my pain.
No one's heart has been strong enough to carry around my guilt.
No one's eyes have been wise enough to see through my excuses.
And for that, I thank God every day.
We are so far apart I swear to God there must be a giant crack across the entire universe
I'm on one side and you're on the other
You tried to throw me a rope but I was looking away
You thought it was because I couldn't stand the sight of you
I was lifting my eyes towards the heat of the sun to dry the tears in my eyes
Because darling, I accidentally kept the sun on my side
The shower is safe
Its quiet but just loud enough to muffle the scary thoughts, the ones that are loud. All the time.
Sometimes I wish I could slip down the drain.
I wish the water could melt my skin away and dissolve my bones. I wish it would leave me with a single eye and a singe ear.
The eye would enjoy the darkness that stretches all around
The ear would enjoy the thump of the water and the sound of nothing else
I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. Because eyes and ears don't have souls.
Everybody deserves to fall in love.
No one deserves the aftermath.
Every time you kiss me...
A little air comes back into my lungs
A little bit of broken leaves my heart
A little bit of blood comes back to me
A little song returns to my head
The one about being just fine
Very very ****** cold
I'm not sure if its the natural absence of heat in my hands
Or the fact that I didn't feel your arms today
i look down
strings, cords, vines, wires
wrap around me
grasp my legs
wind up and up
grab on tighter and tighter
the squeezing slows my breath
forces out sounds of defeat, despair
my terror reflects as my pupils dilate
the pressure is immense
i draw a final breath
darkness encompasses my body
my final vision is your eyes
dark and sad
capable of manipulating any emotion onto me
they stare through me
i have nothing left
I'm a bit dizzy
Not quite sure
Where we start or where we end
But as I'm spinning around,
Memories blur together
And I can't differentiate between the good and the bad
If I spin fast enough I can't see anything
I just see a space
an empty one
one that is small in my life and meaningless
now I understand what you see when you look at me
You are a wave to me
Knocking me down
Pulling me back
Magnificent and Terrifying
I have felt you
Felt too much of you
Felt so much
so much pain
so much pleasure
I have seen you
Seen too much of you
Seen so much
so much darkness
so much of a broken man
Every time you hit me I am knocked down
And I get back up
Oh this time
I'm ****** completely under by you
You won't let me back up
So I sink
and I drown
As you wave goodbye to me
When someone breaks you, they’re accidentally letting you know that they need you way more than you thought you needed them.
People say there is a lot to live for. I get that. I think it makes sense. However, sometimes I wish people understood that sometimes there isn’t really anything to live for. I wish people got that too.
Every time I cry I feel like the whole world's sorrows fall on me and I can't stop crying.
Every time you look at me I get this feeling in my chest. It feels like the world is exploding from the inside of me out.
Every time you hurt me it feels like all the weapons in the world are cutting through my frail skin.
Every time you break your promises the whole world seems broken to me.
I need you to disappear somewhere far in the world so the whole world can finally leave me alone.
I feel like I keep getting younger as I keep making the same mistakes.
I feel like a child that has just fallen on the concrete.
Everything stings and my only solution is to cry.
I make the same mistakes too often to be regarded as mature.
So why do people keep handing me problems I can't solve.
Can't they see I am like a child?
I wanted to be there when you needed me
But you used me
I wanted to hold you when someone hurt you
But you hurt me
I wanted to lie next to you
But you lied to me
I wanted to be someone you could miss
But you didn't miss when you hit me...
...And you hit me hard
I still miss having something but I do not miss having you
Not even my hands are as cold as your personality and not even my heart is as empty as your head.
I still love you but I don't want to kiss you.
I want to hold you when no one else will.
I want to hold you when you're crying
I want you to know I'd do anything for you.
I still think about you but I don't think about us.
I want to think about helping you when you're hurt
I want to think about helping each other find the one
I want you to know I'd help you think through any of your thoughts
I still love you but I am no longer in love with you.
I used to care so **** much about you that I could not stand myself.
I handed every piece of myself over to your shallow being
I gave you my smile
I gave you my kindness
I gave you my laugh
I gave you my voice
But you did not deserve one part of me
I watched as everything I gave to you was thrown away
I cannot take back my smile
I cannot take back my kindness
I cannot take back my laugh
I cannot take back my voice
Once something has been thrown away, it is of no use anymore.
But with what I have left of myself, I can rebuild a different smile. A smile that is only flashed at beings who deserve it. A different kindness. One that is only given to beings who are worth being kind to. A different laugh. A laugh that I will only award if it is made of pure joy. And a different voice. A voice that does not waste words on beings who do not listen.
Slowly I will have a new me.
Your door was open.
I sprinted towards it.
Tripping on my own enthusiasm, I fell to the ground before your feet.
However, she had beat me to your door.
It was slammed before my face.
I rattled it but it could not be opened.
It was locked.
The door was attached to a room.
A room with windows.
I could see you but you could not see me.
You were too distracted by her.
The seasons changed and coldness embraced me as I watched your happiness blossom.
Every smile and laugh shared pierced my selfish heart.
It was torture to watch from the outside.
One night you looked out the window and you saw me.
Instantly the glass shattered.
Violently, it tore apart my body as it flew in all directions.
I was finally free to go to you.
Not through your door; but around it.
As soon as I crossed the border my mangled body was finished in a final blow.
It hurt me that much more to be so close to you yet so far because she was still there.
And there she will remain.
I will continue to slowly die on the floor.
Because your smile feeds me and every glance in my direction puts air into my lungs.
But her smile starves me and every glare from her suffocates me.
She has every right to hate me.
I wasn't made to be a doorstop. I was made to walk through someone else's door.
Anyone else but his.
When I close my eyes, I see yours.
The deep ocean blue pulls me in, drowning me.
I can't breathe.
Everything slowly closes in around me.
You don't seem to notice.
I try to scream
When I open my eyes and break free, you aren't there
They aren't there
I can breathe...
...but not for long
I want to believe everything that you said
I remember how it meant so much
I wish to say more to you
Your eyes playfully tug at my emotions
Your half smile lights up my senses
Your freckles dance on your face as you tease me
But it's not always there
But there's more air in between us than there has ever been
But I don't know if you love me
I love you
I need you
I want you
But I don't know if you love me.
If you need me
If you want me
And that is why I am afraid.
His jaw was carved out more beautifully and purely than when the sun illuminates the crisp edges of the milky, white clouds as it slowly fades away.
Her eyes appeared out of the darkness in utter luminosity yet with a certain level of deepness. Still, they sparkled brighter than the closest star on a clear night.
His hand was as gentle and tender as a dove, nurturing mine as he slowly caressed it.
Her hair blew subtly in the wind. Adding a frame to the picture of her face. The ginger tints screamed as the sun touched them. With the help of the deep and steady brown, they settled down.
As he leaned in...
...As I leaned in
Our lips touched
Our lips brushed together
If this intensity doesn't define love, I'm afraid to know what does.
If this intensity doesn't define love, I'm afraid to know what does.
I cried. I tried not to, but I cried.
It was you. You are everything, but no longer could you be my everything.
You told me that you gave another girl the gift of knowing that you loved her.
You threw a knife to my heart, but there was nothing left for the knife to impale.
For, this is not the first time that you have destroyed me.
I cried. I tried not to, but I cried.
All I ever wanted was to be in love with you.
But then it was her.
She was your fire.
I was the ashes that the wind swept away with the smallest breeze.
And I'm sorry, that I thought we could be something
I'm sorry that I cried, because I should have known
I cried. I tried not to, but I cried
I hid comfortably under my blanket of grief.
The sadness caressed me.
I did not want to leave the pain
The pain made me feel whole, it filled up so much of me that without it I took on more. But this was a different kind of pain... a pain I didn't know. A real pain. A feeling that I could no longer hide in my pain.
And that is how I drowned in pain.
I tried to write about something not cliche
The only thing not cliche to talk about is too confusing; I'm not sure I understand it
The only thing not cliche is me.
There is this thing I have heard of
I've tried it once but I think I wasn't careful enough with it
My mother warned me about it but I listened to this thing that was screaming at me, from my inside.
This thing didn't give the best advice
It drove me into a wall, or maybe that was me
I couldn't tell myself apart from this thing
This thing has made me so angry
I spat on the gentle flame that burned the thing into existence
A rage of fire erupted in my heart, or maybe it was the thing
Or maybe it was me
It confused me and killed off the joy that streamed through the blood of a former me
A former me; yes I remember. One that wasn't damaged. Pure, beautiful, innocent. The words that describe my very name.
But only one word describes the thing I know of.
Another roller coaster;
I get on.
I know exactly how the ride will end.
Things will work out and then they won't.
We will hit countless dead ends.
But when its over we will call each other,
Hi! My name is guilty, but you can call me gray.
Oh, wait! Please don't walk away, I'm begging you to stay.
I may seem a bit odd.
Or maybe even off.
But please, don't worry, it's just; friends don't change clocks
Regret may bubble on the top of my soul;
But the rest of my soul is just an empty bowl.
So please I ask you to understand,
That guilt has a color and a high demand.
Oh the Shadows!
They crept across the room, stealthily.
Moving in a way you almost can't imagine.
Like a lily pad, they dance and float across the walls surrounding you; but in a demeanor of darkness, much like that of a graveyard.
The overwhelming feeling of death and despair crowds your lungs, preventing the fragile breath of life to easily escape.
The Shadows are magnificent in their work.
They move in ways you can barely notice. But then on top of you. Faster and faster! They move so perfectly, you almost miss them. However, their overwhelming presence cannot be overlooked.
Your heart begins to thump, harder, harder!
A hand creeps across your face, masking a silence over the colorful screams.
The floorboards do not creek with the attack, nor does the door move.
Because, the Shadows were already inside.
And the Shadows barely need to move, to **** the weak and fragile you.
The loneliness calls upon me, arms open wide
I rush into it's empty embrace
I stay there, waiting to gain something
Slowly, the air I breathe turns to acid
Chocking me at every gasp for breath
Slowly suffocating I collapse.
The lonely has once again gained a victim
Only this times its me
Or should I say, a lonely.
Warmth melts and dissipates among the lonely evening
The colder my hand grows the more my heart follows
Watching the door shut I watch the opportunity slip after
The shadows make the empty room to seem full of darkness
Curling up in the corner I weep
Believing there was hope
Knowing it was doomed
Wishing the pain was gone
I knew the reasons but I couldn’t find the right reason
The bed sheets were colder but not as cold as my shame
Tears were like blood
Mostly coming when your hurt
Always come out when something is punctured
The heart it was
The heart was punctured
The heart was the reason for the shame and the pain
The heart was the reason for the blood
The heart was the reason for the tears
Watching the lonely take my soul
I sold it to them
They may keep it
They may give it back
I agreed for them to have it
For what did I have to lose
It had nothing inside of it
When you mess with someone who is respected you are messing with the people
And the people are a powerful thing.
A day when all the brokenhearted gather round will be a day of glory
Sharing sad stories
A day when all the brokenhearted meet will be a time of fear
Memories will come back from the dead to haunt the recipients
Tears will shed and hearts may remain dead, but the brokenhearted may slowly become stronger because broken is better
Warnings will be said
And the brokenhearted will depart
The hearts may be broken but The Dragon will be awoken
And The Dragon is a powerful creature
The Dragon has not a heart which makes it all the more perfect.
My dark side protrudes through my empty soul
Everything of me has been taken so my dark side has been revealed
It rattles through my veins harshly like a siren in the crisp midnight air
Perhaps it was stress, anger, resentment.
Maybe it was even regret.
One thing that I know is that I am no longer in control
The only thing I see is black despair
Darkness covers my heart like lead on a fragile flower
Anyone who tries to reason with me is shot down with a blazing arrow of fire
I've lost everything except the darkness
My life has shattered but the irremovable black remains
And darkness is a nasty life to live but when you get used to it it becomes a custom
I have poisoned myself and everyone around me
And now I am alone
And that is what the darkness does.
Power rages through me like the dagger through your heart
Perhaps I've hurt you but, according to what you've done to me, the dagger quickly turns into a butter knife
Shutting you down took courage and time
But then again, something I've always been told,
The longer you wait, the harder you'll fall
So I took a breath and shut you down like a machine
It felt good and now I'm officially done.
So if I were to say my last words to you, they would be, "Yes, I've moved on, but have you?"
I lie awake at night thinking of you
You keep me awake all night
About what could be
About what never was
Some say you like her, I know you don't like me
So why do I hold on?
Was it something I did to make you not like me?
Why don't like me?
Did you ever like?
Questions I don't understand
Questions that feel JuMbLeD in my distorted mind
Maybe it would just be easiest if I left you alone
But then again, the easier way is always the hard way
but I was never one for challenges, except when I picked liking you...
Bubbles up inside of my like a burning *** of my sanity
Every time I turn around I am being assessed
Why do I believe the tests to be worth so much
It seems to me that are they are no longer testing my knowledge
It seems to me that they are testing my sanity
It is no longer brain against paper
It is my soul against paper
My soul is a firm, hard, rock
But then again, paper always beats rock
Sometimes I look at the sky
I look at the sky and I wonder why
Why do we make everything so huge
How can anything be so great when there is something out there so much greater and beyond us
Sometimes I wish we could be like nature
I think about the trees that stretch towards the sky, closer than we have ever made
Nature is imperfect and it accepts that
Accepting that makes it grow bigger and more beautiful
Sometimes the sky brings me new life
Making me think that maybe we are small but we can grow to be like the mightiest oak
If only we accept and move on
Sometimes the sky makes me think
Sometimes the sky has more beauty than one could ever imagine
Sometimes the sky is a reflection and other times its a meaning
But the sky, is always there
And the sky is always an inspiration if only we let be just that
I can't let go of you
Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I love you
But I still can't let go
You haunt me
You cause me pain
But still I can't let go
I don't know why I can't let you go
It seems to be so easy
But it isn't
It's impossible to avoid you, like not seeing the sun in the sky
It's impossible to talk to you, like talking to bricks
It's impossible to forget you
It's impossible to forget, that is why I can't let go
Probably the most common asked word
Hell is freezing over
Frozen fractals are spreading quickly
Hell gets colder and colder
Ice is trapping everything underneath
Underneath, where everything can’t escape
Where everything suffocates and dissipates
But then again
Hell burns too bright
Hell burns too hot
Hell burns too much
To ever freeze over
So hell is born again
You are sure
You are sure that it is the end
You are positive you know exactly how they feel
Yet, you don't ask
You don't ask because you are afraid you are right
You hold on to your sorrow because you realized the real sorrow would be so much greater
Your thoughts are confused and yet you are sure you know what is going on
You are sure that a former shell of yourself will be left and the real you will move on
But you are afraid to move on
Moving on would be change, and you were never good at change
When you can cry
When you can cry because your happy
When you can breathe because its a new day
When you can slowly come back to life