the sun is hiding behind the clouds, the rain fills up the skies. she smiles and she says shes fine, but they are just her lies. secretly she is breaking down, she lives in her own world of pain, this girl used to be happy, but that's never to be again. her heart is gone and shes empty, inside she just wants to die. but she bravely puts on a smile, she won't let them see her cry. she will prove how strong she is, and hat she will be alright. she doesn't care how hard it is, shes going to win this fight. she wants to open up to someone, but doesn't know who to tell. who would understand that she feels like shes going through hell? she wants to openly cry and to be told she'll be okay. she wants to know she can do it, that she can make it all go away. she doesn't understand it though. she is not sure she ever will. all she really wants is to open up and tell how she really feels.

I'm fighting and I'm losing, trying my hardest to be strong. I'm falling and failing, being proven that I'm wrong. I'm screaming and I'm choking, falling to my knees and crying. I'm lying and I'm pretending, but deep down I know I'm dying. I'm running and I'm frightened I have already lost the fight. I'm slowing and I'm stopping, giving it the greatest delight.

what if I don't feel strongly about anything involving words. This is my consciousness. my brother is coming home. I hope. I don't want to be alone. meaninglessness means nothing. It's a contraction to assert that everything is meaningless. why should meaninglessness be more meaningful than meaningfulness. anything but I don't know. you know what, **** it. I say what comes to mind, but what if my thoughts aren't this slow. what if an idea isn't a line of words but a surge of emotions. how do I do that God? why do I feel like I'm always talking to you now ? God is good, I hope. I hope I have a choice. A choice to avoid that dark spot in my mind and think of happy thoughts. you gotta do more than happy things or there will be no more of 'em. my sisters comes to mind. I love them I would die for them. I think now I'm entering a crisis feeling bad about myself. questioning whether I would jump in front of a train for someone I say I love. but when it comes down to it I have a feeling I wouldn't do nothing. given my track record I'm registered as *****. never getting out of my comfort zone to do something I believe in. I want to say that all that **** is about to change but I've said it so many times before. to no change. how can I climb out of myself out of years of training to be the **** I am today. who am I even? am I the person I am or the person I want to be? am I the person that does what he does or the thoughts that never expose themselves? sometimes I feel like the answer is that I am more than one thing. why is everything always about me ?