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 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
I've got a bottle of Fireball.
I've got a bottle of Whipped.
I've got a 12 pack.
I've got three ***** calls on speed dial.
I've got a dealer three floors up.
All my vices.
Everything I could need.

But right now it's dark.
It's so incredibly dark.
It's empty and it's lonely.

So if I used that Fireball,
that Whipped,
that 12 pack,
a *******,
or a blunt from the dealer three floors up,

It could all end.
It could get even more dark.
Even more lonely.
If that is even possible.
Once I go there's no coming back.

All I need is a friend.
I thought I had plenty.
It turns out that I was so wrong.
I'm a convenience.
There when they need me,
but any other time I don't exist.
Not really.

I wish I could say they don't know,
how bad it is.
How bad I am.
But they do.
They're choosing to ignore it.
So are they really friends?
What a simple question with such a haunting answer.

It's taking all my strength.
Everything I have in me.
Not to reach for a bottle.
Not to make an easy phone call.
Not to light up that blunt.
It's taking everything I have to stay here.

When all I want to do,
is reach for that bottle.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
You asked me
               to stop ignoring the thoughts in my head,
       to start paying attention to myself.

I don't think that you understand
                the chaos that you unleashed.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
by a dear friend,
to imagine a dark room,
an empty space,
no windows,
no doors,
no escape.

she then proceeded to ask me
to tell her how it made me feel

i looked at her
and without an answer
asked how most people would feel
she said most people feel
terror,
panic,
they become frightened beyond imagine.
they look for an escape.

i simply nodded.
she again asked me
  how it made me feel.

i looked her in the eye
and said
that  dark room,
with no windows,
and no doors,
no escape,
it makes me feel safe.
it makes me feel comfort.
i gave her the most honest answer that i could.
i told her that it feels like home.

her eyes suddenly got very sad.
she looked at me and said
that that room,
with no windows,
no doors,
no escape,

she paused,
and i looked at her,
and she said.
how you feel about that room,
is how you feel about death.

and i simply nodded.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
i have never before
had to fight so **** hard.
never before,
i have never been so surrounded.
so loved.
but i have never felt
so alone.
each breath feels like a mountaintop.
there isn't enough air,
i'm not strong enough.
all this time.
so much pride.
all rooted in my strength.
when i had nothing,
no one,
at least i was strong.
                                                                  it seems to have run out on me now.
i just want this to go away.
this feeling,
this agonizing darkness.
i'm drowning in it.
and i'm trying so hard.
so ******* hard to breathe.
but it's like no matter what i do,
no matter how hard i try,
this current keeps pulling me back.
suffocating me.
again.
and again.
it never fails.
i keep trying,
but i can feel myself giving in,
giving up.
my limbs are sore
and my soul aches.
it's all been too much
going on for too long.
                                                           ­                      something isn't right in me.
i just want to stand on a country road.
in the middle of the night.
in the middle of a snowstorm.
i want to see headlights coming for miles.
and i don't want to move.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
I have found my soul,
and it resides in a tiny Cessna.
Some people live dream to dream,
Me, I live flight to flight.
Just me, the sky, and my Cessna.
In that seat I feel whole.
Thank you for the journey today dear friend,
I long for you once again.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
you give nothing away.
your eyes,
your words,
you give me nothing
to go on.
i never know how you feel,
what you want,
or what you need.
but when you kiss me,
you give me everything.
the words you don't know how to say.
the feelings you cannot express.
when you kiss me,
*you give me everything.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
we don't have to do anything.
we don't have to go anywhere.
we don't have to talk.
we don't have to touch.
you don't even have to look at me.
just sit here with me.
because being around you...
when i am around you i feel whole.
i feel good, i feel alive.
and i know you don't feel for me
like i feel for you.
you don't want only me.
and i understand that.
i've come to terms with that.
just please.
sit here with me.
slow my thoughts and my pain.
because just being around you,
i feel good.
and i could use some good right about now.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
for the first time
in a long time
i am ready to open myself up.
i am ready to try again.
i am ready to love again.
and **** it i love you.
but i can't sit here waiting for you anymore.
waiting for you to be ready.
waiting for you to want what i want.
waiting for you to open your eyes
and see how amazing we could be.
how perfect we are for each other.
and how just being in the same room,
is like electricity.
how every touch is fire.
and how every kiss is magic.
i can't wait for you to accept how much you mean to me.
for you to understand that i won't leave.
that your scary, doesn't scare me.
i understand you better than you are willing to admit you understand yourself.
and **** it i love you anyways.
but love isn't always enough.
and i can't wait anymore.
because i'm ready to let someone love me.
and i need to accept that right now,
that someone isn't going to be you.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
one moment i am lying in my bed.
alone, miles and miles away from you.
and then a song comes on.

                                                            ­                       and in that instant i am gone,
                                                                                            we are lying in your bed,
                                                            you are holding me as we are falling asleep

and then it changes.
                                                        ­                and you're looking at me explaining
                                                      ­                               that you care about me, a lot,
                                                            ­                   but you just aren't ready for me

and it changes once again.
                                                          ­             and you're laughing as i tell you that
                                                          when urges are felt, they must be acted upon
                                                               and before i know it your lips are on mine,
                                                       you're kissing me with such passion, such love,
                                                           ­                 never before have i felt such a kiss,
                                                           ­                                 and we aren't stopping.


and i roll over, turn off the music.
and i go to sleep.
 Jun 2014 Blaise Tyler Beach
amc
i used to trust until given a reason not to,
where most do not until given a reason to.
i always was a little bit backwards in that regard.
and then came along a bad string of life experiences.
my trusting philosophy shattered into a million pieces.
and i stopped trusting, i stopped loving.
he took the most intimate part of me, without my permission.
and i stopped letting people in.
i could trust no man, sleep next to no man.
love no man.
and then you came along,
and you made me believe in men again.
i learned to trust you. i learned to love you.
and i fell asleep next to you.
i let you push my boundaries. i let you hold me,
i let you take control of me.
because i trust you, like i have never trusted another.
i fear for you. i worry about you.
so much, all the time.
fear and sadness and despair,
are all byproducts of love.
this is what i asked for. tragic, terrifying, undying, painful love.
it found me.
and i am not letting it go.
i am not letting you go.
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