I hate that i have to pretend not to remember small details of people to not freak them out that I know things about them from memory.

The only love I've ever known is the love from my mother
and as grateful as I am for her, because she owns every inch of my heart and all of my body, in a mothers way
I just wonder..
but what it would be to have the love of another
to have him run his hands over every part of my skin
to taste his dry lips
to have my inhalations cease because of his appearance

what it would be..

but I climb into bed, remembering that fairy tales are far from real
and I love you, momma.

When I was young and I did not sleep, my mother told me to count sheep one by one
Needless to say it didn't work
I still stayed up night after night terrified of what lurked in the dark on the streets
Even back then I knew of the monsters who were human: kidnappers, rapists, burglars

And as I got older, the doctors handed me pills
They told me: it'll make you tired, they'll help with your depression, it's for ADHD, ohh and don't forget your mood stabilizer, that'll make you better!
Yet, I spend night after endless night awake until early hours into the morning
I am no longer afraid of the kidnappers and rapists or burglars
I'm simply afraid of the demons that haunt the darkest spaces inside my mind

And so, I do not sleep
And I will not dream tonight

My sadness is mediocre
My words are bland
The thoughts I think were thought before me, I don't understand.
I don't understand why I feel the way I do
But that's supposed to be okay because neither do you..
or you,
...or you.

I'm sorry but I don't want to be like you, though.
I don't want to be a piece of the pie.
I want to be the pan that the pie shapes itself after.
I want to be a blade, a shepherd, and an imprint in time.

My hair is curly, brown, with bronze streaks.
My mood is fairly down with sullen words my world sinks.
Her hair was dark, eyes containing broken earth and lullabies.
My love was true, the only thing not mediocre and that isn't a lie.

Let's dance on a table in a diner full of orphans, and try not to be slaves
to our loneliness.
...Do you love me?
Yes.
...Oh, okay.

Sometimes I want to die so ******* badly, it's hilarious.
I can't **** myself in case she comes back. How amazing.
I can't cut myself because I don't want to scar my flesh because if I do
it may decrease my chances of getting her back.
Even my motivation is mediocre, and my tolerance so strong it could be
mistaken as pathetic.

Put me in a silver chair from across the room she'll stare. My love will go nowhere and I swear to God we are eternal. And you and I infinite, and the world is the wind behind our feet as we run into the inaudible where the world is mute and where our love is loud, in and on my lips you trace the words you did imprint and from lightning you strike the lettered indents you did or did not meant. I cannot decide.

My mouth tastes of chocolate milk, 1993, and 1996.

Insomnia stains my eyes. I can't go to sleep because I see you.

That was so mediocre.

I saw you today and you barley gave a nod of your head
The moment your face came into my vision, I froze
I was afraid you could hear the sound of my heart thumping

But you didn't even manage a shy hi
Not even the wave of your hand

How can that be, when I opened every "forever closed" door in my mind to you?
How do you walk past me and not give a care in the world when you stood by my side as I lay close to death in the hospital bed?
How is it you manage to breathe without the slightest of complications when I've passed out timeaftertimeaftertime because I cannot stand the thought of living dayafterdayaftermiserableFUCKINGday without you!
I'M BARLEY HOLDING ON

And you?...

You've never been so satisfied,happy,relieved,whole
******* it, I need you

I cannot breathe.....
...
..
.
H
    E
        L
            P
me.