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Birdie Apr 2013
key words i don't want to use in a poem:
demon,
love,
father,
permeating my insides,
****,
*******,
****,
and every other word that seem to be used by everyone
cliche
including my story
and poetry
and real feelings
tonight i finally realized i was beautiful
in all my glory
in my pain
my lack thereof
my inability to write poetry the past four years despite
watching
and observing
and hoping
and imaging
and picturing
hopelessly
in my inability to feel relatable
in my inability to conform to anything that appears to be a trend
in my safe bubble in my head
in my mother's arms
in my demons
in my loves
in my father
in my permeated insides
in my *****
in my goddamns,
in my *****,
in
me.
i am beautiful.
and i will forget, so please
throw compliments and pitty parties
my way
because that's what i've remembered throughout my days
not the night that i was reminded that
poetry empowers me
on a cold night
in new york city
for the first time
when amazing auras of poets,
and women
surrounded me
just another day for them
but not for me
that opened doors i've been trying to figure out how to open for quite some time
this on the last day of march
of women's history month
of the beginning of april
of poetry month
of liberation
of beauty
of me.
i truly felt beautiful today
with help
but not from you.
Birdie Apr 2013
if there's one thing i try not to do
it's write the dreaded..
LVOE POM.
i would do without the eye rolls
but secret heart melts
and the awws
but the
*******'s
another one of these?
don't we have any other meaning in our lives?
i do
plenty
but i can't deny
that this is a part of me
i'm a hopeless romantic
by training
and in my mind
it's taken over my heart
and i can no longer tell the difference
enough for me to hate it
and myself
i am an empowered, "strong"
-whatever that means-
woman.
i should be
saying
**** IT.
i don't need no man
but let's be real
we all want someone
i want to hold your hand to show you i care
i don't want to analyze why i should kiss you right now
i wish i even knew what it meant to kiss you right now
why would i even need to kiss you right now?
but i get caught up in this fantasy
longer and longer
forgetting to remind myself that
i've never seen a successful relationship up close
that i grew up in a house of women
forgetting that i'm supposedly prone to marrying an alcoholic
surrounded by enough love that i should stop being so greedy
always looking for more
when it's never even been there
that isn't any different than the way my life has always been,
what am i expecting?
Birdie Apr 2013
when did you decide that it was okay for a seven-year-old to mistake ***** for water?
when did you decide that's how she'd have her first taste?
when did you decide?
when did you decide it would be okay to call her "dhumer munda"?
regularly?
when did you decide she'd think it was normal?
stupid *****.
when did you decide she'd feel forced into a car with you
while you were drunk
to buy more alcohol because the other two had tried long enough to stop you
when did you decide you'd leave?
when did i decide?
when was i okay to know you were gone?
why couldn't i cry for you often?
did i miss you knowing what you did?
when did i decide there was nothing i could've done?
when do you give up?
let go?
embrace?
i'm tired.
maybe tomorrow.
Birdie Apr 2013
poetry takes patience
it takes the deep breathe of your pen
it takes me being willing to
not write to tear myself a part to make it seem like i'm a
terrible being so i can call it
powerful.
i want to empower me
through you
use your ears as an avenue to say
there is nothing wrong with me
i am beautiful
i make mistakes and learn from them
i am...
not perfect
nor a destructive mess
poets always say they are the most emotionally distraught
but i'm obsessed with breaking stereotypes
so i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say
i'm fine.
Birdie Apr 2013
my mother might have cancer
now, before i get all dramatic on you and fire shots of poetry
let me remind you of the keyword you should hold close to your heart
might.

might is scary
might makes you reflect on everything you've done in your life that
might
have affected the second most important word in that sentence
mother.
the one that comes to mind after you got done thinking about yourself and about
how this might affect your life
pause
little girl i don't think you quite understand the value of family
i'm not a little girl
anymore
you have no excuse
i have been carefully nurtured like that delicate plant you tried to grow in a miniature *** in the third grade
the nurturing that came from might
the strength of her
she poured out into you
your water
you grew
only to look back at you
i understand i can be selfish
but i'm hoping this scare won't be the only reason i truly question it enough to change
with time
in time
Birdie Apr 2013
i am down for the cause
i promise
my skin shines brown
with what they say is a tint of yellow
the pores where my hairs reside
don't bleed the history of your ancestors
but let me assure you
i am down for the cause
my ancestors came from Africa too
and i'm not trying to claim i know what it's like to be black
but i'm **** sure willing to listen
to hear your cries and your frustrations
and learn from your strength
but not to pity you
to walk beside you
see
i've seen division
it's nothing beautiful
it looks like two steps forward
and ten steps back
it looks like inequality
so let me assure you
i'm down for the cause
i might not share part of your history
but i am your present
and i see you
the human in you
the daughter in you
the son in you
the love in you
you are human.
Birdie Apr 2013
i never understood my mother until last year
she grows with me
discovering herself
as i discover myself in her
my mother chose to be in an arranged marriage
she chose happiness
she was convinced of a humble man
a caring man
a devote, dedicated man
but he was having an affair
her name was popov
she wore a red dress everyday
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