Ok so all my
Friends are asking
If I took my
Meds because I’m
Bouncing off the
Wall so excited
That I got the
Prettiest girl in the
world to like me and
She finally helped
unblock my hands
And now I can write
Her all the thoughts in
My mind that
Have been stuck
For days
I think she’s
Magic

Your hair’s a mess
And your eyes are squinty
And your curves come only from your lips
But that’s okay
Because I love it
You see them as
Deterrents
But I know
That every part of your body
Deserves kisses
To know that they are loved
Because where you see frizz
I see time spent learning
So I can help you tame
The physical representation
Of your spirit
Uncontrollable and free
And where you see squinty
I see eyes that are
Smooth and perfect
for me to paint in eyeliner
And where you see curveless
I see a body perfect to
Snuggle small enough
To envelop completely
In my arms
So no you’re not
Perfect
But boring is boring
And you’re anything but

I’ve already said
That there are no words
To describe my emotions
For you
But here i am
Scrolling
Trying to find one
All the same
I screenshot and
Send
My favorites
But none of them
Tell of the music
That brought us
Together
Or my father
Who lets you stay
Your mother
Who calls you a
Disgrace
But loves me
So maybe
There’s a chance
We could work
While our dads hunt
And our moms talk
We can venture
Out into the
Sunset together

I keep reading poems
Searching for one
To describe the complete
Overwhelming calm I feel
Knowing I can call you later
Knowing you’ll be there
Knowing you’ll wait
Knowing I’ll wait
Knowing for once in my life
That I don’t have to worry
About being a side project
Or second choice
Not because of a lack of choices
But because I’m your choice
And that brings me peace
That I can’t put into words

once i write
i can finally calm
my brain, my body
even my palms
such a small part
but when they shake i can't
make anything work
and my progress is scant
it's crazy how much
my illness affects
my breath, my basic
functions reject
the orderly thoughts
that help me live
the illness withholds
and instead it gives
chaos and anger
anxiety and joy
sometimes it's not so bad
but other times i destroy
my relationships and body
my grades and life
leaving behind
nothing but strife
when will it stop
when will the pain end
maybe if i stop thinking
and start to pretend
that i'm sane and not crazy
and know who i am
then i can start being the lion
not the lamb

usually the
writing helps
but this time i guess
i need something else
maybe some ****
would be okay
alongside it
throw my meds away
they're obviously not working
so what's the point
i've asked for help
but they just disappoint
apparently meds don't
fix everything
instead i'm supposed to
find different means
to keep myself stable
on my own but
then there's my mind
that affects my gut
leaving it in knots
a giant snake
maybe it should go
in the oven and bake
until is mushy and
breaking down
at least it wouldn't
wrap around
my lungs and
make it hard to breathe
now at least
they'd have a reprieve
despite all this
i still have to write
so that i
do not lose sight
of everything
i love like i usually do
when mania gets
its grip around the few
things i know
that are actually real
sometimes i can't tell
what my brain steals
keeping reality hidden
is it life or a dream?
sometimes i don't know
and so it seems
like i'm crazy
even though
crazy people don't wonder,
that i know.
or do i?
maybe that's another lie
that my brain told me
so it could continue to fly
out of my control
even though it's me
somehow i'm both
trapped and free
by my own body
or is it my mind
maybe i'll never know
maybe i'll never find
the truth about whether
it's real or fake
whether or not
my mind did take
the memories and change them
modify them until
they're not even the right colors,
like they took the wrong pill
it's too much like me
and my lack of control
over my mind
which is the ultimate goal

they bump the meds
add some more
but still my feet
bounce on the floor
can't sit still
but which is it?
anxiety or bipolar
either way I'm sick
usually writing helps
the noise
but other times
i just annoy
myself and others
though i try to stop
suddenly i feel
my stomach drop
i wait until  my brain
goes pop
til someone grabs my
head and chops