I've come to fear it.
bed
the bed. my bed. our bed
anxiety pools at my feet as I stand near it
and it encases me as I sink down onto it.
bed
this is the place
where once i had warm comfort
now I am hot sticky and tangled within the blankets
which drag me deeper and deeper into an unconscious black abyss.
bed
the happy bouncy sleeping is wrecked.
kicking nightmares that I can't shake in the day.
yet the day is when I find comfort in sleep... to wake up
in total sunshine.
at night, it comes. I sit alone surrounded by music and cold computer light
in bed
ours, mine, and the

my body tingles
i can feel my organs rock
my breath quivers
consumed

my head rolls
i roam my hands around
my instinct gone
possessed

repeat repeat repeat
dark
down backwards down the hole
ominious
watch as the light grows faint
aggressive
the energy pulses around
heavy
slipping deep

my pictures are blank.
words are all i see.

my mouth is empty
on paper is where i speak

my feet don't move
letters are my stepping stones

the air picks up
hot. warm.
summer is here to sweat you out of me.
the air picks up
thick. thorough .

I thought you might take me in winter
I thought we might drift in spring.
by fall, we will be so bare
I will reach for you and not even know you are there.

when I take a breath I feel
empty.
I feel the air rattle through ice
the shivering cold on the way down
numb
Completely making my arms like lead
hanging limp at my side
nothing.
I feel nothing.

we will never be
in this small tiny space, you and I.
our arms are pulled together too far
and I relish in the void.

we will never be
twisted up in each other, like we had so hoped.
lips parted for a deep breath
and the sweet relief that is blown out.

we will never be
empty and full of regret, where we were destined.
my brain and mouth could not connect
to your heart and soul.

we will never be. we can't.
it won't do.

the music is off
so I can hear it rain.

the wind blows clouds
and tell me a story while it passes

I wonder a bit
as I sit on my perch

have these same clouds
talked to you?

We don't touch
Thoughts wonder to how your skin
would respond to my skin.

We don't kiss
But my lips find that yours
are the best to connect with.

We are best friends
So why does my heart flip flop
when I go visit you at work?

My favorite thing is
how much my stomach hurts
from our laughter.

**** **** **** ****
I don't want to feel it.

I've isolated you on an island in my mind
Piling my hopes for us and my thoughts of you to create the walls of a castle settled in the middle of the island.
My tears have filled up the lake around it.
The clouds in the sky swirled together by how dizzy you can still make me.

Whenever I need it, I take a picture of the two of us and sail in it to you.
Your smile greets me. Sweet eyes and warm hands.
Strolling through phantoms trees, I relive our best moments.
I can feel you there, running ahead of me.

It is only when I run after you, that I am shook back to reality
In the middle of my bed, not an island.
I can still try to chase you
You aren't there.

water pouring cascading
no one is here

tears streaming flowing
no one is here

pain pulsing pressing
no one is here

finger lifted
reasons readied
poke gag choke
...release.

no one is here.

Take my heart. I need none of it.
This muscle.
It doesn't beat without you.
Without you, I'm naked as I was born.

Take my heart. I need you more.

I want to shake my brain
for more words.

I think music
has filled it

Lyrics, melodies, and songs
are all that's there

I wished for so long
and it's not fair

I can't wait. I'm not waiting.
I'm done

But it is so quiet and I am alone.
So the music fills up the air
in place of things blocked
Smell the notes? Taste the words?
I'll sit here in the dark letting the smooth tune roll
over my back, slide up my face, rush through my hair
down my body.
there is nothing else here.

scars and scabs
hairy with dirt
awkward limbs
covered with fat
how is this beauty?
pulling, plucking
washing never clean
smoothing down
starving for truth
show them something real.

the dull beat crashes into my heart
slowly constant
breathing gets to hard to bear,
then the melody calls
and washes over my soul.
his words strung together in a song
and it flies through my body.
every fear gone

I don't remember how or when we first met.
I remember the first time I like you.

I don't remember what I said
I remember looking in your eyes

I don't remember your girlfriend
I remember wanting to be the last.

I don't remember saying good-bye
I remember your smile as I left.

the words are gone and I can't feel my breath
grasping clinging to what was left

the words are gone and I am bare
whispers floating through the air

the words are gone and I need more
crying twisted left on the floor

She cries in her car now
while she drives
the tears streak down
across her face
She cries at the beach now
the tears crash deep
into her lap
She cries herself to sleep
So quiet the tears come
Almost like they weren't even there

Do you ever just need to run away?
Leave everyone calling out after you...
Go find something you know isn't there?
Fly beyond the sky while they wish on stars that you see
For you to come home?
'Star light. Star bright
bring her back home tonight'
Dance on the moon!
Sing on the sun!
Only coming down until you want

I know my mind has pushed
My heart pulls.
My mind wonders what I really want
my heart just wants
Afraid to let anyone in
just so I'll forget
I sleep the best with you there
I wake in a cold sweat
I keep my eyes open wide
Your face is tattooed to the back of the lids
My mind wanders to thoughts of nothing
while my heart scream out your name
You are my secret.
No one wants it
No one expects it.
My mind pushes for the burial.
My heart continues to dig.

Today is almost
tomorrow
Today was wasted
away
Today the sun
hid
Today she didn't
cry
Today is almost
gone

This
This is a girl
This is a girl afraid to love
This girl is afraid
This girl is afraid of everyone
This girl is afraid of everyone leaving
She's holding
She's holding on
She's holding onto her feelings
Everyday she cries
Everyday she cries out
Everyday she cries out for someone to help
There is no one
There is no one to help
There is no one to help because they can't hear.