People come.
People go.
But it's the people that leave...
That never leave your mind.
They're the ones who haunt your mind,
Crush your heart,
And leave you feeling empty.
The people who stay help you mend.
But once one of them leave also...
All that pain comes back 10x stronger
And 10x stronger than that for the next.
Until you constantly just feel empty and alone.
Even when surrounded by ones you love.
You always just feel alone.
People come.
People go.
But that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

You told me that I was "perfect".
That I am cute,
beautiful,
hot,
****,
gorgeous,
and more.
You told me and I quote...
"You have big *****,
a great ***,
**** legs,
an amazing torso,
and are beautiful."
You respected me and that I wasn't okay with certain things.
And told me I was worth the wait.
You told me I was a super genius.
You constantly told me that I am amazing.
And that you didn't understand how somebody like me....
Would go for somebody like you.
And yet you're the one who dumps me...
You told me that you had fallen for me!
That you had "hit the ground"
But yet you broke up with me for her...
Your ex girlfriend who you then tell me that you still really really love!!
That there is just something about her!!
You say that I am "perfect" and yet you chose her...
Little did you know that I hate compliments!
I hate them with a burning passion!
Because they are all I have heard my entire life,
Whenever people want something from me.
And they confuse the **** out of me!
Because I don't see myself that way...
And I never have.
I don't believe that I am smart...
But its be proven to me so many times I can't argue anymore.
I don't believe that I am pretty.
But I have been told so many times that I can't argue anymore.
And I especially don't believe I am "amazing"
No matter how many times people tell me otherwise.
I have the lowest self-esteem for somebody who is "perfect"
But why wouldn't I!!
Even though you say I'm "perfect" you still chose her...
Emotions always beat you no matter how "amazing" you are.
Unfortunately emotions are what I lack in...
How can somebody be "perfect" if they can't feel anything!
So I guess it makes sense that you picked her...
She can actually share her feelings with you,
Unlike me.
I understand though what its like to love somebody...
How there can just be something about that person that you adore.
But I let go of ever being back with the guy I felt that way about,
I let go when I started talking to you!
And you didn't let go of her...
It makes me wonder....
How amazing she is, to win you over the girl who everyone
Not just you tells that she is "perfect"
Like I said I have the lowest self esteem for somebody who is "perfect".....
And one day I hope to understand why...
To understand whats so wrong with me that nobody ever truly falls in love with me!
I really just needed to get all of this out of my system.... I am happy, that you are happy Parker! Or I would be happy if I had that emotion.... And as your best friend I do hope that everything works out between you too!

I wanna go on a date
To somewhere with no location
Just a car full of gas
And a handful of cash
Just see where the road leads us
What adventures we find along the way
With your hand in mine
The music blaring
Spending the entire day by your side
Smiling and laughing the time away
That sounds like the perfect day to me

I've changed because of you.
So much about me has changed.
I'm not even sure who I was before I had you.
I'm not even sure if I want to be her again.
I've grown so confident.
So calm.
I've developed patience and honesty.
I know who I am, and have accepted myself.
I enduldge in the things I love and don't hide what those things are.
I've matured and learned how to love in a truly healthy way.
I no longer rely on others.
I don't need someone in my life to take care of me any longer.
Though just because I don't need doesn't mean I don't want.
I can't imagine living through a day without talking to you.
Without proving how much I love you and want you in my life.
You're apart of every part of my world.
Everything about the person I've become has been supported by you.
I want to live the rest of my life spending everyday being influenced by you.
Maturing with you.
Changing with you.
Being in love with you.

However I've lost you..
The one constant I will never want to give up.
I just pray that one day I'll get you back.
The world dulls more and more each day without you by my side.

Everytime you leave my side it feels as though I am dying inside

Sometimes I forget that poetry saved my life.
If I hadn't had found it,
And been drawn in how I was.
I wouldn't have had a way to feel back then.
Back before I learned what feeling was like again.
All my thoughts and emotions would have gone unspoken.
Which would have caused me even deeper depression.
Even deeper hiding.
I truly doubt I could have ever re-found my self.
Without poetry coming in.
Without it saving my life.

Do you see that light?
The streak of sunshine peeking out of the stormy clouds..
That's what you have to remember.
There's always good in the midst of the bad.
There's always a reason to keep that smile upon your face.
There's always something there to keep that shine in your eyes.
To keep you alive.

They say that when love is real it finds a way.

That if you're meant to be together it will happen.

That if you love someone then to let them go and if they truly love you they'll come back.

But what if both of you are so scared and waiting for the other to fall in your lap you never make the move that gets one another back.

What if when you let them go. They think there's no chance and even though they still love you just as much as you do them... They don't realize you still love them also.

What if you're so busy waiting for fate and the powers of love to fix your life, that you miss the opportunity in front of you. If only you made the move.

Love is powerful because it makes us do things we never would have. Not because it magically fixes everything.

I get through my day with lying smiles and fake laughter.
I get up everyday and dress like everything is okay.
I've gotten so good at pretending....
Nobody ever knows that I'm shattered inside.
That way I don't have to explain to people why I'm not okay.
Truthfully I'm more than not okay.
I'm dead inside.
The only reason I'm still physically alive...
Is so I don't cause this much pain to those I care for.
Which is more pain than most people can handle.
I live a loveless life.
I don't know how to love anymore.
I can say the words...
But the emotion just isn't there.
It's a horrible life to live.
I feel as though I am nothing.
Mentally I'm crying and screaming.
On the outside I'm smiling.
Wishing somebody would see my internal tears.
That way they could hold me close and pull me away from the darkness.
The way he did all those lifetimes ago.

Help me break free from this torturous world.
Hold me as I cry for days at a time.
Keep me laughing when all I want to do is die.
Help me escape from my brutal mind.
Keep me awake when all I want is to disappear.
Save me from myself as I slowly force myself away.
Most of all...
Promise me, to care about me enough for us both.
Till the end of eternity.

I can't stop listing pro's and con's.
Positives and Negatives of death.
Con...
It will break your parents hearts.
Pro...
You won't keep disappointing everyone you love.
Con...
It will **** your friends.
Pro...
You won't have to be constantly remembering the lost of your baby.
Con...
Your beautiful little cousins.
Pro...
You won't have to constantly be around the person you hate the most... Yourself.
Con...
Your bestfriend
Con...
Everyone who believes in you.
Pro
I wont have to spend my life disabled by my illnesses
Con
Giving up a future
Pro
I won't have to remember all the pain of losing you.
Con...
The possibility of it hurting you to lose me.

All I can do is list pros and cons.
I want to be dead.
Just gone.
Disappear from myself and all my emotions.
Never exist again.
I just don't know if I can do that to my family, to my friends.
If I can break their hearts...
Just to escape mine.

Why is the sight of blood dripping down my thigh so appealing?
Why do I love the burning of alcohol so much?
Why does a bottle of pills make me smile?
Why do I adore having a hazed mind.
Why does smoke flowing around me excite me?
Why are these habits so bad...
If they make me feel alive?
If they make me calm?
If they help me cope?

There is such a question that appears even in the most Atheist mind.
Is there anything to expect after death?
Does your mind and soul disappear into the ground with you?
Or do you ascend into a higher realm of clouds and fairy dust?
A place where you can watch the ones you love from above.
Perhaps the afterlife consists of us walking the world observing life in the shadows.
Then maybe death involves the worst fate we can imagine,
Living in the firery depths of hell.
So here I sit pondering.
If I were to die, where would I go?
Would I be forced to see my loved ones mourn...
Would I never feel anything again?
These are the questions that sit between me and suicide.

Rain pouring down on an old roof.
Thunder roaring through the sky.
Lightning streaking past.
Wind swayed trees.
Soaking wet clothes.
Water glistening hair.
Then there's her.
Dancing without a care in the world.

It's all just so amusing.
My family still asks me about you.
They ask how you're doing,
Or if we've talked.
They ask about you moving to Rhode Island.
Your grandfather still sends your mom home with popcorn for me.
Your step dad gives me rides home from work.
I still call your mom when I'm freaking out and need someone to talk to.
Your sister still likes my photos on Facebook.
Your younger brother video called me last night to show me how big the new puppy has gotten.
And it's all so amusing to me.
We are not apart of each others lives at all anymore.
However, we are still covering each other's worlds.
I guess this is what happens when you become one with someone so intensely.  
You can never completely leave behind the connections you created together.
The bonds you created with the people who matter most to the other.

When you spend so much time with fake smiles being displayed...
The real smiles begin to look like the fake ones.
That's the truly sad part about life.

And in that moment she saw her world shatter into thousands of pieces around her and she picked herself up out of the rubble, shook the remaining fragments out of her hair and walked away. Ready to start anew.

Remember When...
You were mine.
When you and I walked side by side.
How your hand fit perfectly in mine.
Remember how it felt...
The first time you held me.
The first time we kissed.
How it felt...
Just to be near one another.
Remember all the conversations,
All the secrets and promises we shared.
All the times smiling and laughing together.
Remember When...
That's all I ask,
Just don't forget all the  times when you were mine

What has happened to all of us?
Our friendship use to mean something.
We weren't just friends.
We were family.
And now...
We're falling apart at the seems.
I miss what we use to be.
Can we all just go back?

Reoccurring emotions.
Every few months I experience reoccurring emotions.
I have a new life.
New battles to face.
However, every few months it occurs.
The same fights with my mom.
The same conversations about it with my sister.
The same feeling of abandonment from my friends.
The same crushing feeling of missing someone who lives 1,000 miles away.
In the months inbetween everything is different.
I believe the pattern will not occur once more.
How could it?
Nothing in my life is the same as before.
Then it happens.
It becomes time to battle the reoccurring emotions.

There I was sitting with the world below me. The never ending sunny blue sky that becomes filled with stormy grey clouds, rests just at my fingertips. If I decide to stay and wait just a few more hours it will turn into the darkest color the world knows. The deepest sea with bits of the brightest light shining through. I walk across the roof with what feels like the entire world below me. Like one jump down could end it all. One small step and my misery would be over. But I could never even comprehend doing something like that, not in a place like this. A place where the trees, trees so full of life are right in front of my eyes. It’s as though everything meaningful in life is at my fingertips. The wind is so strong today it feels as though, one wrong step, at the wrong moment and I won’t have to end it myself. I’ll just be knocked off of this heightened paradise.

Hush my sweet love.
Come lay here in my arms.
I'll protect you from all harm.
Protect you from your nightmares.
I'll keep you whole,
Never let you break.
Never let anyone harm you or your precious heart.
So come lay by my side.
I'll kiss you real quick.
We can spend the rest of the night sleeping in safety.
Keeping you safe from all harming thoughts.
I'll protect you from the world.
Even including yourself.
Here by my side you'll always be safe.
So close your eyes.
Quiet your mind.
Let me hold you.
Protect you from your demons.
It's safe here in my loving arms.
You're safe here by my side.

I may be scared out of my mind. But I know in my heart that I'll always have you. So it doesn't matter what my mind says. Because I'll always be okay when you're at my side.

My bestfriend wanted to **** himself last night.
Drunk as **** he called me.  
Crying his eyes out as he rants.
Talking about wanting to die.
Begging I pleaded for him not to.
Yet he had no care for what I said.
Telling me he wanted to feel what it was like to cut.
Leaving his phone to go find a razor.
I ran the five minute walk to his house.
Rushing in, he throws the blade in shock.
Then fights me as I try to keep him from going and finding it.
Fights me as I try to stop him from getting another one.
Crying I beg him to stop cutting.
Beg him to stop as he slits his wrists open infront of me.
It was as though he had no care for me.
As though I was some stranger standing in his way of happiness.
He was a different person entirely.
Calling the only mom I trust.
She rushes over and we force him to get up and leave.
We were able to stop him.
Get him to talk.
Yet.
He is still so distance.
So different.
I'm scared to death...
Scared that I'm on the verge of losing my bestfriend.
The guy who got me sober.
Who has stopped me from cutting and more, countless times.
I can't survive without him.
I can't help but pray with everything in me.
That he will be okay.
That he will make it through.
I love him too much to lose him.
He's my bestfriend.
I'm scared to leave him alone.
I'm scared to overcrowd him.
I just want him safe.
I don't know how to feel about all of this.
I'm scared out of my mind.

Second by second the world goes around.
Second by second I feel myself spiraling away from the ground.
Second by second it becomes closer to the time when you leave.
Second by second I will fall to pieces.
In a matter of seconds my mind will become a war zone.
However the seconds will feel like an eternity.
Second by second...

Seeing you in pain kills me inside
As you thrash around your bed
Screaming out in pain
Screaming out my name
As the nightmare continues to go on in your head
I just wish there was some way I could help
Because
Seeing you in pain kills me inside

The worst part about living in two places...
Is the constant goodbyes
The second you adjust and are happy again.
It's time to pack.
It's time to say goodbye.
I'm growing tired of the word.
So instead I'll leave off with this.
*I'll see you guys soon!

The past year I have written poem after poem of how close I was to breaking.
To falling apart.
To dying inside.
And now that it happened.
I wish somebody had taken my warnings seriously.
A person can only take so much before cracking.
And I didn't just crack....
I shattered into thousands of pieces

She is the definition of perfection.
She is elegant and poised.
Knows true pain with every fiber of her being yet never falters.
Never stops smiling.
Has a kindness to her that is beyond compare.
Her body isn't perfect yet there's not one thing you could say is wrong with it.
To all who she meets they see kindness.
Innocents.
A pure heart and soul.
But underneath all of that she is wild and passionate.
Living every moment as though she will never live again.
She is everything about myself I wish I had the courage to see.
To summarize she is me.

It happened again last night.
I was outside.
The stars searing through the sky.
On the verge of tears.
Missing him.
Wishing for my baby.
The family I almost possessed.
On the verge of tears.
Thoughts pounding through my head.
Getting lower and lower by the second.
Until it happened.
A shooting star spread through the sky.
Just like that one time before.
Telling me that it will all be okay.
To smile and wish.
Not fall apart in the past.

Silent like a box
Hiding inside your shell
Putting on a mask
Deep in your disguise
Never opening up
Holding everything in
Keeping all the secrets
Watching from the sidelines
Scared to be on the stage,
To show your true self
Always deep in thought
Showing no emotion
This is how you are...
At least when it comes to me

I was once asked what life is and I responded with the simple statement of "I am hungry."
In the simplest terms life consists of us all running around "hungry".
We hunger not just for food to nourish our bodies.
We hunger for air to fill our lungs.
We hunger for fame and fortune,
For the life we believe we deserve.
Our hunger.
Our want and desire is was fuels us everyday.
It is what creates the life that surrounds us.
Everyone is starving for something.
Nobody will stop until they get there.
No matter the consequences to themselves or the domino effect of consequences it creates around them.

January 1st
I woke up in bed next to you.
I had the flu.

January 5th
I wasn't sick anymore but I was so depressed.

January 7th
I called you crying hysterically.
By the end of the call...
You told me that you wanted a break.

January 9th*
We decided to wait till I went back to Texas for the break though not speak at all from when I left to when I came back.

January 11th
I realized I was pregnant.
I called my best friend asking for a pregnancy test and a cigeratte.
I had stopped smoking for you when we got together.

January 12th
I boarded a plane.
I was so sick.

January 13th
I couldn't eat without getting sick.

January 14th
I couldn't drink water without throwing up.
My mom told me she was divorcing my dad.
I laid in bed all night in pain mentally screaming/praying for my baby to be okay.

January 15th
I woke up and had miscarried.
I was approximently 3-4wks pregnant.
I almost killed myself that night.
I didn't because I knew it would **** the guy I loved.

I layed in bed for a week. Didn't have the energy to eat let alone speak. I became so frail. So thin.

January 25th
I realized we weren't getting back together.

February 1st
I relapsed on pills.

February 4th
I was back in town.
I stayed the night at your house so my mom could talk to my dad.
We hadn't spoke in weeks.
By the end of the night we were us again.
However, you were so different in general.

February 6th
I overdosed on pills.
You sat there next to me.
Crying your eyes out.
Pleading with me to stop.
You sounded so angry and you were shaking.
I could hear the fear in your voice.
See how much you loved me in your eyes.
I stopped without a thought to it.
I couldn't hurt you.

February 7th
I had to go back to Texas again.

February 14th
You accidentally said you were my Valentine.

February 15th
You asked me about getting back together.
You backed out.

Time passed we were bestfriends yet there was more.* I came back to town and you had a distance with me. After spring break I could feel you coming back to me.

April 18th
I was emotionally done.
I allowed myself to get manipulated.
I made the worst mistake.
I lost you.

April 19th
I tried to **** myself.
I chugged whiskey.
Then...
Chugged cleaning fluid.
It didn't work...

This entire year has been hell. All I think about is you and that baby. I still love you. I can't figure out how to get past this. Something in me has died. Died with that child. Died with losing you. Smiles aren't real. Happiness is pretend. It took me months to stop crying everyday. Yet I still find times where the tears won't stop coming. The pain is the only thing real. I just can't wait for this hellish year to be over.

Maybe then I can start new...

I sit here silently
Letting the chatter of voices carry on
The tension growing inside me
As I sit here awkwardly
Sit here on my phone
I hate feeling this way
Out of place
Somewhere were every one knows each other
But nobody knows me
So they sit there talking
While I have nothing to say
The awkwardness is to much to handle
As I silently scream inside.

It's 3:36 am
I'm laying outside.
There's a half moon and stars scattered on a dark canvas above me.
Smoke rising in the air as I take another drag of what will invaitcably **** me.
I just can't help but wondering...
Will this winter be different?
Will the rest of my life be different?
Somehow am I going to let go of my destruction of a path?
Can I be the person I want to be.
Will I succeed?
Or...
Am I going to spiral back down into the darkness?
Like all the times before?

I've watched my world shatter into a million fragments and become ****** in by a black hole.
Yet here I am smiling as though the darkness has never once reached my soul.

I made it.
I did it.
I'm so proud.
So happy.
So at peace in this moment
Because I did it.
I made it a year sober.
I made it over a year sober.
I never want to go back!
D.O.S 12/9/13 <3

For over a year now you've been my life line.
I stayed alive because of you.
You always told me that if I die, you die.
So I stayed alive.
Simply because I could never hurt you.
Though Sunday it became clear that you're done with me.
Don't want anything to do with me.
Which meant if I died.
You wouldn't.
I didn't have something stopping me anymore.
I hate myself more than I can even explain.
So I got drunk and tried to **** myself.
I gave up over 16months of sobriety because I thought I was going to be dead by the end of the day.
I wanted to die.
I was going to die.
But yet...
I'm still alive.
I gave up 16 months of sobriety and I'm still alive.
I sicken myself.
And I still just want to die.

It's four in the morning and my mind is overwhelming. I'm three months sober again and fighting like hell everyday to continue to be the person I have become and the person I want to be. Now here I lay wondering why it is that I always want to cave the most when everyone else is asleep and I have to fight off the urge on my own.

I see you walking down my street
and the sight of you is so **** sweet.
Every time I see your smile
My heart skips a beat.
You'll never know how I feel
but you're all I ever think about.
The thought of you is so **** sweet.
Everything about you is perfection to me...
your eyes
your voice
your look
your charm
I love everything about you
Even all the things I hate.
You are annoying
and cocky
and a complete and total ***
but none of that matters to me.
When it's just us...
your always so **** sweet.
I see the true you hidden behind all those layers.
At first you are the shyest
most socially awkward person in the world.
Then you get comfortable
and start to act like an ***
but underneath all that I know...
Your so **** sweet
and just perfect for me.

Someday I'll be the person I want to be.
Someday I'll stand up for myself.
Someday I'll learn how to love myself.
Someday I'll get my own art gallery.
Someday I'll finish writing my book.
Someday I'll walk the louve.
Someday I'll go to Venice and Rome.
Someday I'll find true love again.
Someday I'll be actually happy.
Someday I'll be the person I'm meant to be.
And until then I'm okay.
I'll get there!
Someday...

Some day I'm going to tell my kids about you.
I'm going to tell them about the boy who saved my life.
How you randomly messaged me on Facebook talking of dolphins, whales, and cyborgs.
I'm going to tell them how you were my bestfriend.
That I fell in love with you instantly and no body had ever made me happier.
I'm going to tell them about how you made me a better person.
How you taught me how to love myself by showing me how you saw me.
But I'm also going to tell them about how you broke me.
How you completely shattered me. That you crushed everything I was.
Took all the light from my life.
Made it impossible to breathe.
How I cried for months.
About how you turned into an unrecognizable person.
That I didn't get out of bed for weeks.

*And hopefully I'll be able to tell them that it got easier.
That overtime I started being able to sleep and eat.
That you stopped being the only thing on my mind.
That I slowly learned how to breathe again.

Somedays I'm happy.
Some days I'm not.
Some days I smile with that light in my eyes.
Others I spend it crying my eyes out.
But either or...
I've come so far because,.
I never use to smile or cry.
I use to be a shell.
So yes, some days all I want to do is die.
But that's okay.
Because some days I still smile.

Yesterday night I was told to do something different today.
Something that I never do normally.
So at 3 in the morning when I was in mental hell.
I called my bestfriends mom.
She was the only person I wanted to talk too.
She always told me to call her even at night.
Though she didn't answer.
I really needed her.
So instead of sitting there on the verge of tears.
I did something different.
I walked across town to see her.
I needed her.
So I got up and walked.
I didn't let myself sit in my own misery.
I didn't allow myself to fall into the norm.

You broke me.
Now to survive I have to sit in bed night after night,
Reading poem after poem.
Quote after quote.
About love and heartbreak.
Happiness and sorrow.
Just hoping to find something I connect with.
That way I don't feel so alone.
That way I don't feel so crazy.
That way it feels okay that I still miss you this much.
Even though I'm shattered to the core.
Because I'm inlove with who you really are.
Not who you've convienced yourself to be.
I can't help but hate myself for still loving you.
Still crying about you.
That I have to have something to get through the night.
Because I cared enough to let you break me,
Crack me so deeply I don't know if I'll ever repair.

Dreams.
So happy.
That when you wake up your sad.
Dreams.
So intense.
That you wish it is real.
Dreams.
About you.
About friends.
About life.
About family.
You dream about your wishes.
And the sad thing is I don't even realize...
That I'm wishing for that except for in my dreams.
I thought I had moved on from wanting that.
Until I couldn't stop dreaming about it.
I thought I had let go of hoping for it.
Until last night...
Dreams.
Just Wishing.
Just Wanting.
You.

I believe in many different things.
I believe there's a chance all myths could be true.
All stories could have happened.
I've seen enough to know there's miracles in the world.
So I always keep an open mind.
The idea of soul mates intrigued me.
I always wished for it to be true.
True that there's one person on this earth who you'll never love more.
Never know better.
But I was wary of it.
Never wanting to think about it enough that I convince myself that it exist or doesn't.
And then he came along.
Even before I actually knew him..
He stuck out to me.
Though it wasn't until months after we became friends that I realized.
Realized he was that one kid I could never get out of my head.
It had nothing to do with attraction.
He was just a random, nameless person.
But I couldn't forget him.
Once we were friends.
I fell hard.
Nobody understood,or cared for me like him.
I'd never known somebody so well.
I learned everything about him.
He knew just as much about me.
We became each others other halves.
Spent all our time at each others side.
Because that's where we felt the best.
The happiest.
I fell in a deeper love than ever thought possible.
Which is what I believe a soul mate does for you.
It's somebody who you love the most.
Know the best.
Nobody will ever trump that.
It doesn't have to be the person you're with.
Your husband or boyfriend.
You could never meet them.
It's simply just the one person in the world,
Who is your other half.
The person who makes you feel whole.

She hid from those who loved her.

She rebelled to the point of self destruction.

She was overtook by the sorrow and darkness.

She rebuilt herself out of the ashes.

She replaced the fear with patience.

The emptiness with love.

She replaced the anger with passion.

The sorrow with joy.

I've always loved looking at the stars.
Then I always found us laying outside staring at the stars.
Then I fell inlove with them even more.
I always thought of you on a star filled night.
And then...
When I had my miscarriage...
I started calling that baby my shooting star.
Stars have become the world to me.
Except now instead of filling me with happiness and happy memories.
They make me wish for all the moments I've lost.
I'm sitting outside looking at the stars.
Filled with this feeling of content loneliness.
I go outside every night before I sleep And stare up at the stars.
The stars are always above us.
They are the most beautiful thing in my life now a days.