It's okay to cry.
It's okay to be in pain.
It's okay to feel dead.
It's okay to want to scream.
It's okay to feel torn in half.
It's okay to not know how to survive.
It's okay.
Because you'll get through.
So in the mean time...
Cry.
Feel the pain.
Scream.
Spend hours ranting.
Do everything you need to.
Then get back up.
Someday you'll learn a new way to survive.
It will be okay.

I'm sorry but I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Having emotions again...
Opening myself back up to those around me.
It's too hard.
It's too painful.
I'm not use to everyday emotions.
Getting sad, angry, or stressed over the small things.
I can't handle it.
I want to go back.
Back to suppressing it all.
Being emotionless and cold.
Distant from those I love.
It was easier.
Miserable but easier.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying but I want to give up.
If you notice me disappear again.
Start talking less...
Well I'm sorry.
I tried for you.
I guess you were wrong though, I'm not strong enough.

Once Upon A Time...
What now feels like life times ago,
I met this boy.
We fell inlove.
And like so many love stories...
It took the wrong turn.
We crashed and we were destroyed.
Before the crash you were my bestfriend.
Now you're unrecognizable to me.
I will always be inlove with the boy you once were.
The greatest bestfriend of my life.
But this creature you have become...
I have no desire for.
Though apart of me will unfortunately always love him.
Simply because he use to be you.
Though inlove with him...
That I will never be.

Do you remember the night where for a minute you forgot we weren't dating.
Months after we broke up.
And now...
You hate me.
If I could go back in time,
The one thing I would change is us...
I would have saved us.
I would have never ruined us.
I would never done what caused you to hate me.
I use to have no regrets.
Now I constantly regret us.
Regret how we ended.
Regret that I was to stuck in my head to see what happened.
I would have saved us.
Saved not just our relationship...
But our friendship.
Which has always been the most important thing to me.

I can feel the anxiety coursing through my body.
Oh God how I want this.
How I need it.
I know I'll be great.
Yet, I want this so badly...
My anxiety is overwhelming.
Scared of the possibility of being denied.

I know I write to much.
Correction...
I know I write about him to much.
I just find myself stuck.
Crying in heartbreak.
Feeling as though I'm torn in half.
Not only did I lose him.
It's as though I lost this giant part of me also.
I'm now just stuck in misery.
With nobody to share my pain and suffering with.
He was the person I told all this too.
Now I only have my pen and paper to share my pain with.
I'm heart broken.
It's been months...
And I'm still heartbroken.
All I've done for days is cry.
I miss him.
With everything in me.
I miss him.
Until that pain starts to deminish.
I'm just left to continue to write.
Writing way to often about a heartbreak that only so far has seemed to grow.
And not fade away like everyone expects it too.

And I look inside my soul and all I see is darkness.
I look inside my eyes and the fire has been extinguished.
I look upon my heart and it is covered in scars.
Though in every photo you can see a blinding smile on my face.
In every video all you hear is laughter.
I get up every day,
Tie up my combat boots,
And apply my lipstick.
Praying this will be the day I find my answers.
This will be the day you hand me back over the key.
So I can unlock the light you stole from me.
Become whole once more.
Then perhaps next time I wont give myself up so easily.
I won't give love to the wrong man.

It feels as though my throat closes.
My lungs get stripped of all air.
My stomach gets twisted into a giant knot.
My heart gets crushed into oblivion.
Everytime one of our friends posts a picture of you.
Seeing you in person,
Is somehow even worse.
It feels as though you...
As though this pain...
Is slowly but surely killing me.

I'd rather have you **** me now
Than the torture of life mentally break me down.
So deeply broken.
I would rather just disappear

I have an overwhelming feeling to disappear.
However, not permenantly.
I want to drop all communication.
All socialization.
Until I'm not so scared.
I always disappear when I feel unwanted.
Then I come back once I've come to my sense.
I run away from my problems.
There's my confession of the day.
I run away.
I so terribly want to run.
Though I know that unwise.
I spiral into even darker mindsets when I'm alone.
I barely survive when I'm alone.
So why does disappearing...
Why does running...
Why does being alone sound so amazing?

Everyone searches for perfection.
The perfect guy.
The perfect girl.
The perfect outfit or haircut.
To be perfect.
To look perfect.
We all want it and seek for it desperately.
I'm one who never believed perfection existed.
All I see in the world is flaws.
I search for beauty and am always left with everything but.
I look at a random face and see every negative feature instead of the positive.
I guess you could say I'm a pessimist to the extreme.
Or atleast I was.
I've recently learned perfection is hidden within every moment.
Because I'll look at you and I know you're perfection.
Not because you look like the perfect human.
Not because you have the most perfect traits one could have.
You're perfect because...
Every flaw.
Every imperfection.
Every positive.
Every beautiful feature you have.
Is everything I want.
When I look at you, I smile and in that moment life is perfect.

Open windows
Fast cars
Loud music
Lots of screaming
Always dancing
This is the life to live

Just look over there.
At that little girl.
The one who pretends to be strong,
But is actually cowering inside.
I saw her come out to play the other day.
She sat there.
On the side of the road.
With no breathe in her lungs
And tears streaming down her face.
Look of pure fear in her eyes.
She always acts tough.
Yet there she was.
Showing who she really is,
She's just a scared little girl.
Desperate to be okay again.
For her world to be okay again.

Somedays I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. I want to live in my dreams. That's why I hate waking up. I can hold you in my arms in that world. Where as here... Somebody else gets to have you. In my dreams I'm still happy and in love.
Here I'm struggling to live through the pain.

Where did you go?
I can't seem to find you anymore.
What happened to make you disappear.
I miss you.


and by you *I mean me.

I don't know what it is like to raise a child.
I praise all who have.
I lost my child.
I miscarried and lost the ability to ever hold that baby.
Ever look into their eyes.
See their smile.
Hear their laugh.

I do know what it's like to fear for your child.
Scream with everything in you for that baby to be safe and healthy.

I know what it's like to love your child.
Love them so much it redefines your understanding of love.

I know what it's like to know that you're creating a life.
That you'd do anything to protect that life.
You would give your own life for their safety.

I never had the chance to meet my child.
Though I felt that baby inside of me.
I feed that baby.
I loved with everything inside of me.
I would have given my own life for theirs.
So their eyes could meet the world.

I never had my baby.
Yet, that baby changed my entire life.
Changed the way I loved.  
The way I saw the world.
The way I looked at life.
Even though the time I had it, was short.
The time I knew I had it, even shorter.

I understand now that all parents do everything out of fear and love.
Anxiety over their child being hurt.
Going through the hardships they did.
Because they want their world to be bright and happy.
Filled with love.
So take a moment and be thankful for your parents.
Their love for you is one none can describe.

I loved my baby.
In a way no words will ever explain.

Falling for you was a dream come true.
Loving you was the nightmare I never expected.

They say that the opposite of love is hate.
Though few realize the true opposite of love is indifference.
To not love for someone,
Is to not care for the person at all.
You do not dwell over them.
You do not get angry or feel sorrow over their actions.
It is true however that hate is a step away from love.
True hate I mean.
Not loath.
Not dislike.
But true hatred for another.
Because without love...
You feel nothing.
Only those who truly know someone.
Know the depths of their mind and soul.
Who have truly felt love for the person.
Can feel hatred towards them.
You can not despise ever fiber of another,
Unless you know every part of them as you know yourself.
Love and hate go hand in hand.
You can not have one without the other.
So as long as you hate someone...
Just know,
Even if it is the tiniest part of you.
Or hidden in the deepest depths of your heart.
Apart of you still feels a love towards them.

I love you.
That scares the hell out of me.
In some ways I've never loved anyone more.
The love I have for you feels simple and perfect.
It comes with no effort.
Almost as if it has always been there.
As if apart of me has always loved you.
It comes without thought.
The way I feel for you is unexplainable.
Why I feel this way is unexplainable.
It's almost as if I'm supposed to be loving you.
Everything with you just comes so naturally.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared my medical problems will become too much.
I'm scared my depression or anxiety will become an inconvenience.
I'm scared that you'll wake up one day and find the fact that I never shut up annoying.
I'm scared that the distance will make you feel as if I'm not worth it.
I opened myself up to you in a way I didn't think I was capable of anymore.
I let you in with no option of turning around and hiding.
I don't know why I did.
I never let my guard down without a fight.
Never allow others to know how deep my inner demons lie.
I'm scared beyond understanding of losing you one day.
I've lost so many others because they weren't able to withstand my constant battles.
To lose you would be destroying.
Most of all I'm scared because I still struggle accepting that you love me enough that I have no need to fear anymore.
Especially since fear comes so naturally.

Every time he smiles its like my heart is exploding.
Every time I look into his eyes it's like I'm seeing him again for the first time.
I can feel it...
I can feel my world changing.
It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
Falling in love again.
It's like everything I've known has shattered into dust and a beautiful world is rebuilding its self up around me.

I've never been happier than the moment that I met him.
I remember it perfectly.
Every single emotion that was coursing through me.
I remember how nervous and jittery I was to finally see him in person.
And then how just completely happy I was once it occurred.
Knowing that I was now able to reach out and touch him.
That I could lay next to him.
Being able to see and hear his laughter in person.
Such simple things...
Things that people take for granted.
But things that make me happier than any other.
I don't know how long it took me to fall in love.
Or what it took for me to fall in love.
All I know is that I have been in love with him for longer than I've ever realized.
We started out as best friends.
But every night I would stay up on face time with him.
I would stay up just so he had somebody there through all of his nightmares.
So he knew that he had somebody who cared.
So he knew that I loved him even though I wouldn't say it.

I have two mottos:
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
AND
**** happens.

I have one favorite quote:
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

I have two rules:
NEVER regret anything!
AND
Stay as pure as possible.

These are the things that I live by.
This explains alot about who I am.
These are the main things about me.

I spent part of the night watching old videos.
Some of them were of him and I.
I couldn't stop laughing.
I couldn't stop smiling.
I then listened to songs from last summer.
I sat there with my eyes closed.
Remembering all the different times they played.
I was smiling so much my face ached.
The memories were great.
Abit later I found myself standing there in silence.
Another memory popped in my head.
I ended up on the ground sobbing and hyper ventilating.
I couldn't handle it.
All I could think of was those words.
The one promise I never thought you'd break.
The one promise...
I guess I caused you to break
I promise I'll be here till the day you don't want to see my face.
I still want to see your face.
You're not here.
Some memories are torturous.

Tears streaming down my face
The pain in my chest more than I can bear
As the addiction tries to get a tighter hold of me
It becomes even harder to resist
The alcohol
The cutting
Everything
I feel empty on the inside
It's like I'm in a pitch black room
There's a lot of bright furniture and it is very colorful
But you can't see any of it
That's what the depression does
I have positive emotions
But all I feel are the negative
Or none at all
On the rare occasion light shines through
And I can somewhat feel
But it does never last long
And when it goes away it becomes even darker
Alcohol gave false light
Made it as if I could see when I couldn't
Cutting made me forget why it was dark to begin with
But it lasted an even shorter time
The darker it gets the more suicidal I become
All I want is to be able to let light shine through
Theoretically I mean
I just want to be able to cope with how I feel
Be able to get through each day without having a breakdown
Be able to sleep without waking up even more depressed
Without waking up crying my eyes out
I'm tired of faking my emotions to people
To the people I care about especially
For me to be an alcoholic at such a young age
It's a horrible thing
My life is really messed up currently
I'm trying everything in my power to get back on the right path
Currently I'm over 40days sober
It's a hard journey to go through
I'm fortunate enough to have people help me
But it always seems like the people I want most to be there never are.
My depression is so deep-rooted now
After 6 years of residing in me
It's almost impossible to get rid
But I'm trying every day
Not for me
But for the ones I love
Because no matter how bad I feel
The people I care about
Will always mean the world to me

I sit here and watch as everything I hold dear fades from my grasp.
I'm disappearing into the shadows and I wish one of you would notice.
Although none of you ever do.
Most of the time it feels like I am slowly starting to die inside.
But the people I care most about don't even realize.
I wish they would truly care for once.
I never see anyone now a days.
I just sit at home.
As my friends are at school.
Like I use to do...
I'm thankful for my family though.
If it wasn't for them...
I would have ended this horrible suffering a long time ago.
Everyday is a constant struggle.
As I am holding back the tears in my eyes.
And blaring music to drown out my thoughts.
Of what I wish my life consisted of.
Instead of the mental misery that I live in now.
As the depression slowly grabs a tighter hold of me.

Yesterday I woke up in your arms.
Today I woke up 1000 miles away from you.
Is it to early to say that I miss you?
Is it even okay for me to say that I miss you?
Because I do.
I miss you a lot.
And I just kinda want to go back to yesterday morning.
When I was curled up with you completely.
When all I could feel was your skin on mine.
I kept waking up and bringing you closer.
Wishing for that moment to never end.
Until I woke up to leave.
Leaving you again, is torture for me.
Wether we are together or not.
I love you with everything in me and that will never change.

I miss you my bestfriend
This break isn't easy
But it's what needs to be done
I just hope someday...
We can go back
Back to how it use to be
Without the drama
Without all the emotions and pain
I really miss you
No matter how unhealthy you are for me
You're my bestfriend
I love you
No matter that you're a fool
Hearing your voice can brighten my whole day
I miss it my bestfriend
I miss you

Today I said goodbye.
I took my last pictures.
I blew a kiss of farewell to the bittersweet memories that this room,
that this house holds.

Moving on is an illusion.
It's simply a state of mind to ease the pain.
You love until you don't.
You're hurting until you're okay.
You want them until you don't care.
Not for one minute does it lessen or get easier.
Not until the day it's simply gone.
There is no moving on process.
You simply just stop caring,
Stop wanting,
Stop loving,
And stop hurting one day.
*Just like that they're never thought of again

You run around not sure where you belong,
Or how you fit into this world.
You run around surrounded by fear,
Trying to escape the crushing darkness that closes in.
However my darling there's no point to continue running.
I'm here.
Keeping the demons away with your every step.

Wake Up
Smoke
Go To Work
Smoke
Watch Netflix
Smoke
Stay Up All Night Stuck In My Head
Smoke
Force Myself To Sleep
Falling Asleep Dreaming Of Him
And Repeat

You can tell can't you?
That's why he bothers you so much.
You can tell I still love him.
You're right I do.
I always have and always will.
It's a love that will never vanish no matter how hard I have tried.
It will never leave me.
That doesn't matter to me however.
He is no longer who I want.
Who I spend my days thinking of, loving, and missing in our moments apart.
He is no longer the man I wish to fall asleep with at night.
The man whose arms I wish to be waking up in.
Your voice is the last one I wish to hear at night.
Your face is the last I wish to see before closing my eyes.
I can't imagine being with anyone but you.
The love I have for you is so pure.
It's a constant, never ending, happiness.
It's a calm summer night full of laughter.
I love you with more of me than I knew was capable.
Nothing has ever felt so right before.
It is time to stop worrying about my past.
And realize...
You are the person I was supposed to be with from the moment we met.
I was destined to find you.
To love you.
Even if it ends up being for only a period of our lives.
In this moment my heart belongs to nothing and no one but you.

My dear
My sweetie
My darling
My baby
My favorite
My cutie
My idiot
My dork
My freak
My sweetheart
Honey
Babe
Lover
My love!!!!
These are all things I have called you before!
And they are all true!
Sooooooo....
May I just say that,
You are mine!!!
I love you!!

I recently have realized something.
I now understand why this has all been so hard.
It's not just that I'm heartbroken.
I'm mourning.
That's why I'm broken.
That's why I lost all ability to love.
That's why I cry constantly and always feel like I can't breathe.
That's why he never leaves my mind.
I'm grieving.
The person I love no longer exists.
There's not one trace of him in that now skinny body.
The man I fell for has vanished and is never coming back.
It's as though a new person inhabits that body and haunts me everywhere I go.
A new person has been given the voice that can make me melt with one syllable.
And my soulmate...
The greatest love of my life is no more.
I mourn his loss every single day.
I break down crying every single night.
He's all I write about,
All I draw about.
And nobody understands why.
None of them get why I am still so broken hearted.
And that is the thing...
I'm not.
I've never been simply just dealing with a broken heart.
I'm grieving the dissaperance of the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
And truthfully I don't think I'll ever stop.
Even if someday I fall inlove again,
Get married, and have kids.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life wishing for a man who no longer exists.
And can never come back.
My bestfriend.... Is as good as dead.

I've had somewhat of a heavy heart as of late.
The loss of you has been hitting more frequently again.
The pain is always there though at times is more intense.
I saw another shooting star just now.
That would be 5 since I lost you.
My beautiful baby whose eyes never got to meet the world.
My beautiful baby who I never got the chance to hold.
I think of you constantly.
With every shooting star I see I know it's your way of telling me everything will be okay.
I will be okay.
My beautiful baby.
My shooting star.
You will always be with me.

I saw a shooting star tonight and I'm thinking of you my precious baby.
R.I.P. January 15, 2015

It's 8am and I still haven't slept.
The thought of you has driven sleep away.
I've finally laid down,
And begun to play our song on repeat.
Praying for the first time in 6months.
Begging to understand.
To learn how to be okay with all that's happened.
To understand why I had to lose that baby.
Why I had to lose you.
What is suppose to happen that I can't have you in my life for.
Asking for help.
Help to learn how to be okay if you're not suppose to be here.
And if you are suppose to come back to my life...
Like I so desperately feel that you are.
Help to have the patience to get there.
I don't know how to love myself anymore.
I don't know how to survive without my bestfriend at my side.
So I'm just begging to learn how to want to live without you here.
I just need help to find a way to understand.
I just want to understand.
Then maybe I can sleep.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Maybe I'll be able to clear my head enough to evade constantly thinking of you.
I barely eat.
I barely sleep.
I'm to preoccupied in missing you.
I just want to learn how not to miss you.
I just want to learn how to sleep.

My heart thumps in my chest overloaded with adrenaline.
As a new found adventure begins.
The same story being told.
Yet, a different chapter being written.
Who knows how it will end.
However...
Isn't that the exciting part?

All I had last night were nightmares
Every time I close my eyes I want to scream.
I see cars crashing.
Guns firing.
People running, screaming, and fighting.
A continuous blur of my many dreams last night.
But most of all I see the worst nightmare out of them all.
You leaving.
You leaving me, and I knowing you're not coming back.
And even though I know none of this will ever come true.
Every time I close my eyes today...
It's all I can see.

You can smile and laugh
You can have fun with friends
Have good and even great days
But nobody will know how truly happy you are
Unless they're there every night as you cry yourself to sleep

I've finally accepted reality.
There's no getting over you.
There will not be one second from the moment I started,
To the day I am no more,
That I will stop loving you.
I know that are time is through.
That I can't even think of your name without feeling as though I'm dying.
But there's no point in trying anymore.
I will never be over you.
Though I am starting to learn how to live my life again...
Knowing that a giant part of me loves what I can never again have.

It's days like this especially that I miss you being here.
Running around the city with my family.
It feels as though something's missing without you here.
Without even being able to talk about you.
Or tell you the random things that occur.
I keep seeing so many things that remind me of you.
I just can't help feeling like this entire day is wrong.
Because...
You're not here.

Whether night or day.
You're my sister.
If we haven't spoken in days, or in a year.
If you need me...
Just yell and I'll come running.
No matter how much distance lays in between
True friendship never dies.
I'll never stop caring.
This is my oath to you.
I'll always be there to watch the sunset in the morning.
I'll always be there to make you Mac N' Cheese as you sing.
You're my life long partner in crime.

The ocean reminds me of emotions.
Crashing in.
Fading out.
Sometimes fast and overpowering.
Sometimes slow and gentle.
Others a constant stream of the same thing pouring in and back out for endless amounts at a time.

Standing in the midst of the ocean.
Enchanted by the beauty surrounding me.
Youre the only other thing on my mind.
The beauty of your smile.
The blue, green of your eyes.
Is the only thing that compares to this.
The cool feel of the waves crashing into my skin.
Is the most magnificent thing I have felt.
Yet, one touch from you...
Makes an unbeatable fire course through me.
In this moment.
I can't imagaine how one single thing.
The most beautiful thing.
Could beat how I see you.

There you are.
Hundreds of miles away from me.
Yet when I hear your voice through my phone.
It feels as you are right next to me.
I think of you laying next to me.
Holding me as I sleep.
And I can feel every curve of you against me as though you are really there.
Oh how I love our midnight talks.
Confessing every detail of ourselves.
Telling things no one else knows.
And though I love it.
I would do anything for you to really be here.
I don't know how to live without you next to me.
You are my everything.
My other half.
My wish upon a shooting star.
You are the dream non compare to.
If only I could see you.
Hug you for one moment.
I know my world would be okay.
I know my smile would finally shine.
I can't wait to see you.
Finally be able to hold you.
And kiss that smile I love so much.
Be able to look into the eyes that hypnotize me.
Oh how I miss you.
How I love you.
I can't wait till I can finally see you.
It's so close to the time.
We're months away.
Weeks away.
Days away.
Moments away.
And now we're here.
With you sitting next to me.

The worlds crashing
And the people are crying
As the days get worse
And the nights get shorter
Thoughts suffocating the hope
And pain filling your heart
Stressed out
Depressed out
The world becomes darker with each day

Do you remember the good old days.
Back in middle school.
In the beginning of high school.
We were all so young and naïve.
Sneaking around town at one in the morning.
Feeling like we were the baddest of them all.
Thirteen - Fourteen years old feeling like we're on top of the world.
We thought that we knew it all.
Little did we know how stupid we were.
How truly harsh and painful the world could be to us.
I would do anything to go back.
Back to the days when we were all innocent.
Well perhaps not innocent...

Pounding heart
Spinning mind
Vibrating body
Words upon words flowing from my mouth
Getting dizzy from the anxiety
Why must I never stop speaking
Say the wrong thing
In the wrong moment
At the wrong time
Embarrassing myself with every syllable
Talking faster and faster with every second
The flow of words never ending
Till the agony of embarrassment halts me