100 years ago.
If we were this in love...
We would be married or atleast engaged by now.
We would understand the fact we're meant to be.
That our love is one to last lifetimes.
We would go with it and let our love thrive.
We wouldn't be worrying about anybody else.
We wouldn't be worrying about our future.
It would just be us.
We would let our love and happiness with each other be it all.
But it isn't 100years ago
Life is all about success and who you're going to be.
And at our ages...
In this century...
We can't be meant to be
Not currently anyways.
The way the world runs that's the worst thing we can ever do.
Sooo we can't be in love.
I'm going to have to stop acting like it.
But I **** well am not going to ever stop feeling it.
I am always going to love you.
Hopefully someday we will find our way back.
We will be meant to be again.
It just ***** that the world punishes those who find love so early now.
If we met 10 years from now...
Nobody would blink twice about how we feel and care.
But we're stuck with all this life everyone is telling us we have to live.
Lives that currently we can't live together.
I really just keep hoping for a time machine.
Or that you'll start not caring about what society says it takes to live.

Depression is a *****
And
It never truly goes away

I feel empty
Nothing else
Just solely and completely
Empty

I miss you so much.
Please come back to me.

I dreamt of you again
And it's killing me inside

Some days I wish I was normal.
That I wasn't plagued with all these problems.
The depression.
The anxiety.
The addiction.
Not to mention the physical disorders.
Somedays I wish I felt whole.
That I had the ability to feel love again.
Feel true emotions at all.
I feel almost good somedays.
I feel anger occasionally.
Normally it's just a crushing feeling of dread.
I wish I was normal.
Maybe then I wouldn't have made all those bad choices.
Wouldn't be as rebellious as I am.
Maybe then I would still have all the things I've ended up losing.
But then...
I have to remind myself that if I was any form of normal...
I wouldn't have all of the things I do.
I wouldn't have been able to make my favorite memories.
I wouldn't have the friends that I adore.
The wisdom my life has created.
I wouldn't be me.
I may not be normal.
I may not feel whole.
But I am, who I am.
I think it's finally time to embrace it.
Finally time to start learning to love myself again.

There are those who say they stay awake
From the hours of 1-5am because the world is silent
No body is trying to bother them
However I disagree
Between 1-5am the world is my destruction
My mind becomes a tormented prison
Those I love call me crying
Torn down from their own mental hell
People are using drugs
Girls and guys are *******
The world is not silent
The world is exploding into a chaos that most can not see
They're hidden away in their bedrooms protected from harm
Kept safe from the cruelty the rest of us endure.

I think,
And I hope its not true.
I think,
I like him...
My bestfriend

It is in my opinion that moments are fleeting. Days are spent attempting to find that one perfect moment. Twenty seconds of perfection before the moment ends and becomes nothing more than an undying memory. A memory that causes you to smile instantaneously.

There are somedays I would give my entire world to be that girl again.
The girl I was.
When I first got sober.
When I was inlove.
Before my world crashed.
Then I have to remember that I'm not.
It's okay that I've changed.
That my life has changed.
I may have been happy then.
However, I am happy now.
At the end of the day,
that is all that counts.

I was told last night that I'm addictive.
As hard as you were trying to leave you couldn't let go.
Couldn't let go.
That's mind blowing to me.
Because everyone else has ran away.

The most epic love and brutal battles normally start and end with the simplest of words being said.

This mental pain is so intense.
Its driving me insane.
I'm losing all control.
Falling back into old crutches.
It's everything I can do to keep distracted from it all.
Yet everytime I allow myself to think for just one second.
All the pain swarms back.
It hurts so much I can't help but scream.
The mental pain is agonizing.
It cripples me.
All I can do is cry and shake uncontrollably.
This pain is killing me.
It hurts so much I can literally feel it through my entire body.
I hide it the best I can.
But as soon as I'm alone all I can do is scream and hope nobody hears me.

A group of teenagers piled together.
A group of guys and one girl.
The best friends of a lifetime.
They her bothers.
She their sister.
They are each others family.
A group of teenagers piled together.
Six people, one couch.
Laps being sat upon.
Voices intermingling.
Laughs being shared.
Arms around one another.
Smiling in all the pictures.
Happy for a single moment just because they're all together.
All their anger,
All their sadness of the world.
Hidden in the background.
Distracted by the help of friends.
The care they have for one another.
The feeling of home.
The feeling of belonging.
The feeling of family they hold in each other.
A group of teenagers piled together.
Six people, one car.
Crowed in.
Practically on top of the other.
Singing at the top of their lungs.
Dancing in the little room they have.
Windows down with the wind pouring in.
Driving with no destination in mind.

A group of teenagers piled together.
Four people, sitting in a room.
Voices still intermingling.
Laughs still being shared.
Yet something is missing.
*Something that nobody is saying.

I don't often write happy poetry.
I'm not one for sunshine,
And rainbows.
My poetry is normally full of sorrow, anger, and heartbreak.
Yet.
My life has become overrun with joy.
The past few days have been extraordinary.
I haven't smiled so brightly in what feels like lifetimes.
I haven't truly experienced laughter in months.
I'm home.
I'm back in the arms of my family.
So here is my happy poem.
Enjoy it.
They are very rare.
I'm home.
I finally feel more than okay.
Depression and anxiety being pushed away.
Because I'm laying here with my friends.
With my family.

All those nights together.
All the sun sets we sat and watched.
And the long talks we shared.
Staying up all night,
Till we saw the sun rise again.
Back when things were good.
When we were happy.
When we were never apart.
All those nights together.
The times that we shared.
Laughing,
Talking,
Kissing!
Just sitting there loving each others company!
All those nights that we shared.
Its sad that those times are now gone.
That things ended like they did.
I wonder if you too, Still think about those nights.

It's the simplest moments that the loneliness hits the hardest.
When things as mundane as stubbing your toe occur.
The moments when you just need someone to help you up.
Freak out about the tiniest cut and rush to bring you a bandaid.
But you have to stifle your yell of pain.
Force yourself up.
Take care of yourself.
Because that's the thing about being alone.
Nobody is there to help in even the simplest of moments.

Can't breathe
So many butterflies I feel sick
Heart pounding
Is it just me or am I falling again
It's a weird sensation
I've only ever had for one other
But it's happening again
For some reason I just have a draw to this kid

Stomach fluttering
Head swarming
Heart pounding
This is what happens every time...
I look at you
Every time I talk to you
My love for you is forever old
But feels like brand new
Every time I set my eyes upon you
You make my whole word spin
If only you knew
You're my wish I want to come true
You mean more to me than any before
If only you knew I still felt this way
I wonder would anything change?
I told you I had moved on...
Such a lie, I didn't know how you believed
Makes me question...
Do you still feel the same?
Since I know you did once long ago
But every thing has changed since
In my eyes you're perfection
Even with all your faults
I used to know some...
To say that you were my Romeo
I could keep going about all I feel
In regard to you
But this poem is getting kind of long
So I shall go with these final words...
Goodnight my love and sweet dreams

Way to many things are occurring today.

Today's prom.
I was suppose to be there with you.

Today's the 25th...
It was suppose to be our nine months.

Today, two years ago my great grandfather passed away.
I was sitting next to him.
I miss him so much.

Today I watched my friends mom fall off a latter.
She laid there screaming.
I feel traumatized.

Today I'm going to get dressed up.
Hang out in my friends garage.
And get drunk.

Today *****.
I miss the love of my life.
I miss my grandfather.
I just want this day to disappear.

They say to follow your heart when your mind disagrees
But I'm not sure if I should
My heart says that I miss you
I miss talking to you
And what we once had
But my mind says that I shouldn't
That I shouldn't care about you at all anymore
My heart begs me to try because you make me happy.
And my mind says don't, you'll just get broken again
That he doesn't actually care
That he never will
My heart argues back
Saying that's not true
He wouldn't speak to me if that was the case
Wouldn't say what they did if that was true
My mind reminds me though that even so it won't matter
The opportunity has long since passed.
It'll be impossible to get it back
My heart simply states...
Anything is possible if you try hard enough...
The question I ask though is should I try..?
Or I should I push you back away?

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You hate me...
And I'm in love with you!

Why am I such a sucker for love.
Why do I always fall so quickly.
From the outside I seem so strong.
But in reality...
I am so vulnerable.
The smallest thing kills me inside.
From the outside it seems like nothing ever phases me.
But thats not true...
I fall so quickly,
And I brake even faster!
I've just learned how to hide it.
How to hide all of my emotions.
And never let people see inside of me.
Because every time I do...
I get hurt even more.
And my wall gets even tougher to crack.
But somehow somebody always manages to get through.
To hurt me yet again.
Whether they mean to or not...
But why do I do this to myself.
Always fall so hard for somebody,
Who doesn't fall for me.
Its this never ending cycle I put myself through.
Its like I purposely make myself miserable.
Why am I such a sucker for falling in love...
I''m just sorry that I was never able to,
Thank you for helping me feel emotions again.
And tell you that I am in love with you.

You say that I'm your dream girl.
I the girl of imperfection.
The girl full of sorrow.
To broken to love.
How do you not see how fragmented I am.
To be with me is to walk on broken glass.
I'm destructive.
I will cut you to pieces along with myself.
As I did to the man before.
If not for me...
He would not have been destroyed.
Do not let me destroy you.
Let me warn you.
I have a pretty face.
I have a sweet, caring attitude.
Yet, the inside is scarred and scary.
On the inside I am destruction in its whole.
Let go of me.
For fear I will break you too.

I constantly find myself sitting here.
In a state between nostalgia and remorse.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
I find myself sitting here almost a full year later.
An entirely new cycle of memories having been made.
Yet I still find myself sitting here everyday.
The memories of the year prior playing like a movie on a never ending loop still have yet to leave my mind.
It's been almost a year since we've touched.
Since we've spoken.
So tell me why I can hear his voice perfectly as though he's right next to me.
Why can I feel his touch as though he is next to me.
His hand intertwined with mine.
I try to forget.
Though it never works....
They say time heals all wounds.
It's been almost a full year.
The pains never changed.
It's just as harsh and brutal.
The only thing that's changed, is that I've gotten use to it.
It's been almost a full year.
I still constantly find myself sitting here.
Feeling nothing but pain and the cold metal of the necklace he got me against my skin.

All she knew was that nothing in the world could be more perfect than this moment. With the sea spread out infront of her lightly crashing to the shore, the sun tanning the bridge of her nose, and the wind softly blowing through her thick hair. Nothing could make this moment better; except of course one thing. Though she knew better than to think of such devastations. The pain and sorrow was far too much. She always dreamed of coming here with him. However, that was before he left and everything changed.

And in one picture the world froze and you could see the relaxation of the universe flowing of off the photo. With one simple image the world was no longer as harsh and damaged as it had been.

Today was such a great day.
Today was my birthday.
I normally dispise this day.
I find birthdays idiotic.
Why submit people into categories of age.
When the mind is an age different from the body.
Though today was different.
For the first time in years I loved this day.
I haven't smiled in so long, my face aches.
I spent the day running around with friends,
Swimming,
Laughing,
Loving the time together.
Today was a great day.
I'm truthfully amazed.

It’s my birthday and I feel nothing.
Every year I watch people anticipate their birthdays.
As a kid there’s so much excitement.
As an adult there’s so much dread.
There’s the glorious sweet sixteens.
The exciting turn of being an adult at eighteen.
You turn twenty one and are
completely legal.
It’s a celebration.
A cause for happiness, gifts, parties, and so much more.
It’s a holiday just for you.
Yet year after year I’ve felt nothing.
I feel nothing.
It’s a day to remember for most.
A day I’ve always wished would go away.
I feel as though I have to fake my way through this day.
Pretend I feel the same.
In my eyes it’s just the same as every other day.
Birthdays are meaningless to me.

They say the eyes are the windows to your soul and that is nothing but true.
Through someone’s eyes you can see it all.
The glare of anger.
A sparkle of happiness.
True surprise.
Intense sorrow.
And worst of all when you look into someone’s eyes and see nothing.
No emotions.
A blank slate.
An empty shell.
The eyes of someone filled with too many years of pain.
I’m tired of seeing those eyes in every mirror I turn to.

I can't escape from the thought of you.
Where ever I go and whatever I do.
You are always on my mind.
You are my last and first thought of the day,
and what I dream about every night.
The longer I go without seeing you, the worst it gets.
I am constantly reminded of memories of you.
There is never a moment anymore...
That you aren't on my mind.
I try to escape,
to distract myself from thinking of you....
I use to be able to go at least a few hours,
but now nothing works.
I am just stuck...
drowning in the thought of you.

I stay up all night.
Just wide awake.
And even though I barely slept last night.
Or the nights before.
I still can't sleep even if I tried.
I can't go to sleep without you by my side.
I can't go to sleep without hearing your voice.
I can't go to sleep without atleast saying goodnight and that I love you.
And since I can't sleep.
I stay awake all night long.
I stay awake until exhaustion takes over.
I stay awake until I'm so tired, it feels as though you're there.

Can I just have you back now?
Could it be how it use to be?
I'm going crazy over here.
I can't stop missing you.
Missing how it use to be.
I miss those long conversations.
Being able to always call you mine.
Knowing I always had someone here for me.
When I truly needed someone.
So please?
Can we go back in time?
To the time when you were only mine.

Im on the edge of breaking..
Of going off the deep end
I just wish somebody could see that
See how miserable I am inside
How close I am to breaking
To shattering to thousands of pieces
It seems like the slightest thing will destroy the last shred of hope left in me
It seems like the slightest thing anyone says to me is going to shatter what's left of me

I found another chance at life.
A chance to start new and be happy.
I ran into the chance head first.
Knowing the likely hood of crashing was far higher.
Yet here I am.
Smiling my days away.
I'm happier than I've ever been.

Four years ago I was 14 years old.
An alcoholic on a path of destruction.
Three years ago I was 15 years old.
A girl madly in love for the first time.
Two years ago I was 16 years old.
I had lost everything I loved.
One year ago I was 17 years old.
Attempting to rebuild myself.
Today I am 18 years old.
Everything has changed.
I've never been such a different person compared to the one I use to be.
I always had one common attribute.
I was depressed, angry, and unhappy.
I was scared, anxious, and hated myself.
So much has changed in the past few years.
My friends.
My family.
My life.
Who I am at the core.
I'm truly happy now.
So much has changed.
Yet I look exactly the same.

I have never been one to love cheesy lines.
Talking like immature children with no real knowledge at love feels like an insult on my intelligence.
However,
To tell the girl in love with food;
That she looks like french fries and that's you saying she looks beautiful...
To tell the girl in love with Avatar the Last Airbender;
That you'd wait in an iceberg a 100 years to be with her...
To ask the girl in love with Doctor Who;
If she will have tea and crumpets with you...
That is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
Those are the things that cause enormous undying smiles to appear on my face.
Those are the things that make me blush for the rest of the day.
Those are the words I will never forget.
Those are the words no girl will ever forget.
If you are willing to connect with who I am,
I will be in love with you for the rest of eternity.

Leave me alone and I just might break
Set me free and I'll run like the wind
Torture me and I'll come out stronger
Love me and I'll never leave your side

We spoke today.
First time since April.
You gave me a ride.
It was weird.
Awkward yet Comfortable.
We spoke on and off the entire time.
We were even laughing.
It was weird.
A good weird.
Simply because now I know.
Now I know I'm over you.
Simply speaking to you...
It gave me the closure I haven't been able to posses.
The closure I've craved for this past year.
So thanks for the ride babe.
But mostly...
Thanks for my new found freedom.
I'll always love you.
But now I'm positive that I don't want you.

Winters coming beware.
With every beautiful snowfall and toasty blanket to curl up with comes something to fear.
Winter brings darkness.
You become filled with depression and despair.
Life turns upside down as the new year is about to begin.
Tears get shed and hearts get broken as people try to make themselves anew.
Mistakes get made.
Pain gets spread.
All as winter comes.
Fate having its last evil spree before the warmth and sunshine coming back to play.
Beware of winter.
I'd suggest you flee.
Then maybe there will be some survivors.
I'll be back when the flowers begin to bloom once more.

You weren't just my boyfriend.
You weren't just my lover.
You were my bestfriend.
Through the hardest year of my life,
You stayed by me and held my hand.
And now.....
You're done with me.
On top of everything else going on.
I lost you.
My bestfriend.
And that's killing me so deeply inside

I think it's time to admit some things.

It's time to confess that I don't think I'm beautiful.
Beauty is not just physical.
It's about the mind and soul as well.
I've been told I'm attractive enough to confess it as true.
Yet, beauty I do not see.
I find myself disgusting.
Nobody beautiful could have ever done the things I have.
Could have lost the love of their life.

It's time to confess my sleepless nights are caused by him.
I can't sleep without somebody next to me.
Without pretending that he is holding me as he snores relentlessly.

It's time to confess I've started drinking again.
More like a lot of drinking again.
The alcoholic side of me is raging back out.
Because I can't handle my life.
I prefer the dulled version that burning drink creates.

It's time to confess I do feel emotions.
I feel so much that I am numb.
That I feel like I'm dying I'm so overwhelmed.
Yet it's not your average emotions I feel.

It's time to confess I don't feel affection.
I know I love my friends.
I know I love my family.
But it feels like a fabricated lie when I say it or even think it.
All I feel is pain.
Crushing.
Killing.
Pain.

It's time to confess that he is the only person I can say I love and believe it.

It's time to confess I have no desire for anyone because they're not him.
It's been months and nobody compares.
He is apart of me.
Everyone says I could have better.
Granted couldn't we all?
It's not about having the smartest, richest, hottest, sweetest guy.
It's about having the one who makes your heart melt.
The one who could never break you.

It's time to confess that I don't want to move on.
I have hope he will come back.
He will be him again.
Even if that won't be with me...
I just hope it will.

I confess I'm suffocating without him.
The pain is too much to bear.
I'm losing my ****.  

I confess that I lie to much to my family.
About partying and other not allowed things.
Hide to much from my friends.
Because I'm tired of how tired they are that all my problems revolve back to him.
Though I can't blame them.

I confess I'm still heartbroken over my baby.
And I hate my mom for cheating and divorcing my dad for a guy I only pretend to like.

I confess that I live every moment in the past.
Use my friends as a way to dull the pain I constantly feel.
Use them so I almost feel okay.
Yet I'm still even then stuck.
Being heartbroken by the good memories.
Feeling sick from the bad.

So there you have it.
My confessions of the day.

I'm staying at my grandfathers tonight.
I remember very vividly the last time I stayed in this room.
And like always.
Like everything else in my life.
It's a memory connected to you.
There's no where I can go.
No song I can hear.
No movie I can watch.
No single person I can talk to...
With out there being a memory of you.
My world was once your world.
Now... Everything's connected to you.

I didn't expect to fall in love with you.
Yet here I am madly inlove.
And falling more and more each day,
Falling for your smile.
Your awkwardness
How dorky you can be.
Falling inlove with the feel of your arms around me.
I espically never thought I could fall for you even more than I have.
But here we are
With me falling even more every day I spend with you.
I love you more than I thought possible.
And it's a love I know will never end.
Never fade away.
Just grow until we believe it can't grow anymore.
Yet watch as it still will continue to do so.

Could you do me a favor?
Could you come here.
And lay with me.
Hold me in your arms.
Protect me from all harm.
Love me.
Kiss me.
And never leave my side?
Could you do that?
Do that for me.
Could you please just come here.
And hold me as I sleep.
So the first and last thing I will see is your face.
First and last thing I hear is your voice.
Could you do me a favor?
And always be right next to me.
Holding my hand.
Calling me yours.
While you stare into my eyes.
That's all I want.
All I ask.
All I need.
Is for you to come here.
And hold me tight in your arms.
And promise that you are never going to let go.

I feel broken again.
I'm crashing and crashing...
And I can't stop.
I have people who love and care about me.
Yet, I always feel alone.
Like I have no one to listen.
To hold me as I cry.
I'm just stuck by myself.
As my brain corrupts.
And my heart feels cracked.
I just pray to make it through.
Pray to not break all the way.
That some how...
I will get through!
And I won't feel as broken.
As crushed.
As I do right now

Irrational fear builds up inside of me
I start to mentally scream
As I begin to take shallow breaths
Panic stricken I fall to the ground
Letting the coolness of the tile calm me
I let out a shaking sob
Laying there I start to pray
Pray for the power to get through
The ablity to let go
To give him all my power
I sit up and take a deep breathe
Meditating until I'm able to continue on for the day.
Thankful I have a way to curb the mental breaks
Glad to have such a connection again