I've always thought about love
What type of person I'll fall for
What they'll look like
How love will feel
But then the second I realized I had fallen for you
All of my thoughts on love changed
You redefined my definition of love
You make me spin
And you make my heart forever race
None of this is how I ever thought
But I'm okay with that because...
Its even better

The ocean reminds me of emotions.
Crashing in.
Fading out.
Sometimes fast and overpowering.
Sometimes slow and gentle.
Others a constant stream of the same thing pouring in and back out for endless amounts at a time.

I remember this day a year ago.
It was just as miserable.

I've never been happier than the moment that I met him.
I remember it perfectly.
Every single emotion that was coursing through me.
I remember how nervous and jittery I was to finally see him in person.
And then how just completely happy I was once it occurred.
Knowing that I was now able to reach out and touch him.
That I could lay next to him.
Being able to see and hear his laughter in person.
Such simple things...
Things that people take for granted.
But things that make me happier than any other.
I don't know how long it took me to fall in love.
Or what it took for me to fall in love.
All I know is that I have been in love with him for longer than I've ever realized.
We started out as best friends.
But every night I would stay up on face time with him.
I would stay up just so he had somebody there through all of his nightmares.
So he knew that he had somebody who cared.
So he knew that I loved him even though I wouldn't say it.

I felt lost in the happiness and didn't know how to live.
I guess this is my karma for secretly missing the pain.
My life is turning upside down.
I'm no longer happy with how things have turned out.
I don't know how to fix this.
It feels as though this better life I've created has started to collapse.

Everytime I go to write about the things that are hurting me the most...
I just end up crying hysterically

You use to give me flowers atleast once a day. Now everyday I find myself sitting alone, picking off the petals. Does he love me? Does he not?

While I'm stuck here.
The beautiful, depressed, island girl.
Who thinks of nothing but you and the way it sounds every time you would say that nickname you gave me.
Wishing desperately to be back in your arms.
Wishing desperately we could be driving around blaring Green Day.
Wishing desperately to go swimming fully dressed, in the ocean, after you pick me up from work.
Wishing desperately to be walking around The Strand holding your hand as I stop constantly, and you wait patiently, for me to finish taking yet another photo on my camera.
Wishing desperately...

The worlds crashing
And the people are crying
As the days get worse
And the nights get shorter
Thoughts suffocating the hope
And pain filling your heart
Stressed out
Depressed out
The world becomes darker with each day

I wonder if he noticed.
Noticed what day it is.
My first thought when I saw it was
"Oh hey seven months"
But then I had to remind myself that it's not.
That were not...
So I wonder if he noticed that today was the 25th.
I wonder if for a second he forgot too.
Or if it didn't even phase him.
As though it was any other day.
Which I guess it is now.
Since we've agreed that all we are is friends.
Though he will never just be my friend.
And 25 will never go back to being just a number.
I wonder if he knows that also.
If he agrees.
Or if he's gone back to thinking of me as though we were never together

I wanna go on a date
To somewhere with no location
Just a car full of gas
And a handful of cash
Just see where the road leads us
What adventures we find along the way
With your hand in mine
The music blaring
Spending the entire day by your side
Smiling and laughing the time away
That sounds like the perfect day to me

What is it that they say?
Faith, trust, and pixie dust is all you need to fly away.
All you need is to believe.
Did they ever wonder what about those kids who never trust.
Whose ability to have faith is diminished.
The kids who can't believe in anything anymore.
Did they ever wonder how they were supposed to fly?
How they are supposed to escape to such a magical place as Neverland?

The past year I have written poem after poem of how close I was to breaking.
To falling apart.
To dying inside.
And now that it happened.
I wish somebody had taken my warnings seriously.
A person can only take so much before cracking.
And I didn't just crack....
I shattered into thousands of pieces

And in one picture the world froze and you could see the relaxation of the universe flowing of off the photo. With one simple image the world was no longer as harsh and damaged as it had been.

I constantly find myself wishing.
Wishing that I could forgot you completely.
Wishing that I could go back.
That we could just never have met.
That I can erase you from my past.
But at the same time...
I'd be praying that you'd still find your way into my path in the future.
Because I never felt happier than our times together.
It'd make sense I've never felt worse than us being apart.
Because I'm left realizing.
I wouldn't be who I am...
If I hadn't had met you.
If you hadn't become my everything.
If you hadn't taught me to be happy.
If you hadn't had destroyed me.
So tell me...
The next shooting star I see,
Should I wish to forget you.

In the vibrant shine of my eyes.
I can see all the hope of my future.
All the passion I hold for art.
I can also see how lifeless they are.
How much they lack emotion, happiness, and love.

You became a part of my world this weekend.
You met my friends.
My family.
Those in this world that mean most to me.
You partied with us.
Laughed with us.
Saw apart of my life I rarely experience anymore.
Everyone loved you.
It was amazing.
I can't believe how perfectly you fit into my world.
You cause happiness and fun in a town I didn't know was capable of allowing it.
It's been so long since I've felt the way I did this weekend.
Even longer since I felt that way back home.
I finally felt at peace in the place that destroyed me.
Some how you've managed to bring light into every section of my life.

They sit there across the room from each other in a comfortable yet unsettling silence.
She sitting on the bed looking at her anxiety bitten nails.
Him sitting at the desk enveloped by his phone.
Getting a moment of courage the girl looks up and asks a simple question.
"Do you miss it?"
Confused the boy looks up.
"Miss what?" He asks.
"Do you miss how it felt to be in love? Do you miss how it felt knowing we always had each other? Always had someone to turn to in the darkest of moments who would grab your hand, and steal you away. Force you into the light and do everything so you never have to go back to the black hole that tries to surround you. Do you miss what it felt like to be smiling the second you saw me or heard my voice? I miss those smiles. I miss how it feels."
Putting down his phone he moves across the empty bedroom and stares straight into her eyes.
"I try not to think about it, but in this moment... Now that I am thinking about it, I do. I miss what it felt like to hold you and watch all of our demons fade away."
"I wish there was a way for us to be in love again. I wish both of us hadn't blown all of our chances."
"So do I my ForeverGirl."
Closing her eyes she feels him sit down next to her and hold her one more time.
Opening them to look at her one love, she looks around in shock.

It's six am according to the alarm clock blaring next to her.
She's in bed alone...
As she always is now.
It was just a dream.
Turning the alarm off before falling back into bed.
She curls up into a ball and cries her way back to sleep.
Back to him.
Dreams being the only place she can feel his touch.
Hear his voice.
The boy she loves.
The boy who died a year ago.

Why is it that the one person who I want to hold me...
Hold me in the moments that I want to die.
Is the same person that makes me want to die.
Want to die because I can't have him holding me.
It's irony at its best.

I have two mottos:
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
AND
**** happens.

I have one favorite quote:
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

I have two rules:
NEVER regret anything!
AND
Stay as pure as possible.

These are the things that I live by.
This explains alot about who I am.
These are the main things about me.

You run around not sure where you belong,
Or how you fit into this world.
You run around surrounded by fear,
Trying to escape the crushing darkness that closes in.
However my darling there's no point to continue running.
I'm here.
Keeping the demons away with your every step.

Sometimes I forget that poetry saved my life.
If I hadn't had found it,
And been drawn in how I was.
I wouldn't have had a way to feel back then.
Back before I learned what feeling was like again.
All my thoughts and emotions would have gone unspoken.
Which would have caused me even deeper depression.
Even deeper hiding.
I truly doubt I could have ever re-found my self.
Without poetry coming in.
Without it saving my life.

It's like the earth is shattering around me.
Chaos is swirling through the air.
All the buildings are beginning to crumble.
Brick after brick falling to the ground.
Everything has begun to wither and die.
Destruction is over running the world.
And I'm just sitting there in the center of it all.
I'm sitting in the eye of the storm.
Watching as everything I've ever known falls through the cracks of the universe.

Every time he smiles its like my heart is exploding.
Every time I look into his eyes it's like I'm seeing him again for the first time.
I can feel it...
I can feel my world changing.
It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
Falling in love again.
It's like everything I've known has shattered into dust and a beautiful world is rebuilding its self up around me.

I can feel the anxiety coursing through my body.
Oh God how I want this.
How I need it.
I know I'll be great.
Yet, I want this so badly...
My anxiety is overwhelming.
Scared of the possibility of being denied.

I can't handle it anymore
I'm at the verge of breaking
And I don't know what to do
I'm going insane

We may be broken...
But we're healing!
And that's what counts.

Leave me alone and I just might break
Set me free and I'll run like the wind
Torture me and I'll come out stronger
Love me and I'll never leave your side

Somedays I wish I didn't miss you.
Because if I didn't miss you that would mean you'd be here with me.
And I really want to just not be missing you.

Can I go back now.
I was happy there
The place I love and know
The place I call my home
But here I am
1000 miles away
Stuck
Stuck doing the same things day by day
So can I go home now
And return my smile back to it's proper place
Will you allow this to occur
Or just continue to torture me forever more

I wish I could forget this feeling I have permanently engraved in my brain. But unfortunately I don't think it's ever going to go away. I just wish it would begin to fade. I'm so tired of always having to fight to be okay.

Help me break free from this torturous world.
Hold me as I cry for days at a time.
Keep me laughing when all I want to do is die.
Help me escape from my brutal mind.
Keep me awake when all I want is to disappear.
Save me from myself as I slowly force myself away.
Most of all...
Promise me, to care about me enough for us both.
Till the end of eternity.

I'm not okay, but that's okay.
And I can't stop crying but atleast I'm feeling.
I may be sad and feeling lonely.
All I want is somebody to hold me.
But I still know no matter what...
I'll be okay.

The past year I've reached a level of happiness I use to never think possible.
It's like I've become content with myself and life.
Yet lately I've begun to feel off.
My anxiety has begun to creep back up and is spilling out of me.
I'm losing my calm.
I can't stop overthinking.
Every conversation I have, every action I make echoes through my mind on a loop.
I'm scared to go to work.
Scared to speak at school.
Terrified my boyfriend is going to leave me.
And why?
I have no clue.
It won't stop.
I can't calm down.
I feel like I can't breathe and all I want is a cigarette.
Something I quit over a year ago.
I'm craving it the way I normally crave alcohol.
Like it's an overwhelming desire I can't bottle down.
I can't stop thinking.
I want it to stop.
I want to calm down.
I want to smoke.
And I can't.
I really don't know what to do.
F**k Anxiety.

You broke me.
Now to survive I have to sit in bed night after night,
Reading poem after poem.
Quote after quote.
About love and heartbreak.
Happiness and sorrow.
Just hoping to find something I connect with.
That way I don't feel so alone.
That way I don't feel so crazy.
That way it feels okay that I still miss you this much.
Even though I'm shattered to the core.
Because I'm inlove with who you really are.
Not who you've convienced yourself to be.
I can't help but hate myself for still loving you.
Still crying about you.
That I have to have something to get through the night.
Because I cared enough to let you break me,
Crack me so deeply I don't know if I'll ever repair.

Stomach fluttering
Head swarming
Heart pounding
This is what happens every time...
I look at you
Every time I talk to you
My love for you is forever old
But feels like brand new
Every time I set my eyes upon you
You make my whole word spin
If only you knew
You're my wish I want to come true
You mean more to me than any before
If only you knew I still felt this way
I wonder would anything change?
I told you I had moved on...
Such a lie, I didn't know how you believed
Makes me question...
Do you still feel the same?
Since I know you did once long ago
But every thing has changed since
In my eyes you're perfection
Even with all your faults
I used to know some...
To say that you were my Romeo
I could keep going about all I feel
In regard to you
But this poem is getting kind of long
So I shall go with these final words...
Goodnight my love and sweet dreams

They say to be happy.
Things will get better.
Just try harder.
They tell you to stop.
Stop cutting.
Stop drinking.
Stop being sad.
They tell you to just get over it.
To just smile.
That you'll be okay.
Little do they know,
It's not that simple...

That laugh.
That smile.
That guy!
Who makes your heart melt.
With those eyes.
That personality.
That love that shines.
The funny one.
Who makes your eyes light up,
And makes you go weak at the knees.
The one you fall in love with without realizing.
The one who takes your breathe away.
He's just that guy!
He's the one you want to grow old with..

Every single night for weeks now.
I've cried my eyes out.
While mentally or physically screaming.
I can literally feel how shattered my heart is.
You would think I'd be starting to get better.
But as it gets worse I only get better at hiding it.
All that has happened has shattered me.
And I just want you to hold me till all the pieces go back together

I miss what use to be
The life I once had and all the good that came with it
I miss my bestfriends
All the memories we have made
I miss it all
All the nights we spent piled in a room together
Laughing and talking
With one talking till five in the morning and not letting any of us sleep
All the inside jokes we have made
All the stories we could tell
2013 was difficult
And filled with drama
But it was the best year non the less
With hundreds of good memories
And thousands of times laughing
And as I lay here
Knowing all of that rests in the past
I have but one thought
Just take me back

Do you see that light?
The streak of sunshine peeking out of the stormy clouds..
That's what you have to remember.
There's always good in the midst of the bad.
There's always a reason to keep that smile upon your face.
There's always something there to keep that shine in your eyes.
To keep you alive.

I've saved up just enough money for a one way ticket out of here.
To go as far away as I please.
My bags are packed.
I left a note on my bed with all of my goodbyes.
However, there is something stopping me.
If I walk out this door...
I will never see him again,
Once one of us is out of this town...
Our forever is officially over.
Yet my plane takes off in an hour,
So I guess this is it.
The final goodbye to the dreams I once had.

A year ago today I was in complete hell. However, a year has passed and though the memories still makes my heart break. Today is becoming an amazing day.

I've spent so long drowning inside of myself.
And now...
Anytime you appear at my side it's like electricity coursing through my veins.

I sit here and watch as everything I hold dear fades from my grasp.
I'm disappearing into the shadows and I wish one of you would notice.
Although none of you ever do.
Most of the time it feels like I am slowly starting to die inside.
But the people I care most about don't even realize.
I wish they would truly care for once.
I never see anyone now a days.
I just sit at home.
As my friends are at school.
Like I use to do...
I'm thankful for my family though.
If it wasn't for them...
I would have ended this horrible suffering a long time ago.
Everyday is a constant struggle.
As I am holding back the tears in my eyes.
And blaring music to drown out my thoughts.
Of what I wish my life consisted of.
Instead of the mental misery that I live in now.
As the depression slowly grabs a tighter hold of me.