Friends.
You love them.
You hate them
You care about them.
You want to **** them.
You do anything for them.
You'll die for them.
You'll lie for them.
Your always there for them.
You get mad.
You get annoyed.
You get jealous.
You get in fights.
You say things you don't mean.
You see who they actually are.
You not only see who they are...
You can see all the bad things about them...
You can see who they actually are!
And you don't care.
You don't care if they are obnoxious.
You don't care if they are jerks.
You love them anyways.
You'll be there for them no matter what.
They're always there for you.
You tell each other everything.
You keep each others secrets.
You become family.
You lose them and sometimes they come back.
You make new friends but still keep the old.
They're your friends!
They're your family!
They're the ones you can always count on.
You do stupid stuff together.
You make memories together.
You make mistakes together.
You get in trouble together
You're friends...

Do you ever have those nights where you're laying in bed and all you want is someone to be there and hold you while you sleep?

Do you ever have those days were you're falling apart and all you want is someone to hold you while you cry?

I have them all the time.

*I just wish I had someone here to hold me.

Can I go back now.
I was happy there
The place I love and know
The place I call my home
But here I am
1000 miles away
Stuck
Stuck doing the same things day by day
So can I go home now
And return my smile back to it's proper place
Will you allow this to occur
Or just continue to torture me forever more

It feels as though my throat closes.
My lungs get stripped of all air.
My stomach gets twisted into a giant knot.
My heart gets crushed into oblivion.
Everytime one of our friends posts a picture of you.
Seeing you in person,
Is somehow even worse.
It feels as though you...
As though this pain...
Is slowly but surely killing me.

Today's the day.
The day I've been dreading for a year now.
Today's the day I lost my baby.
The memory of it all is crushing.
I don't know how to think.
How to feel....
It's as though there's an overwhelming sense of sorrow suffocating me.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.
I never met you...
But I love you my shooting star.
R.I.P.  My Love

What are families now a days?
Are they full of love?
Yes
Are they full of dysfunction?
Even more so
Fights?
Constantly
You love them.
You hate them.
You need them.
You can't stand to be near them.
They keep you sane.
While driving you even more crazy.
But what are families?
Well...
They're simply that.
They're the ones you didn't chose.
They're the ones who never disappear from your life.
No matter how amazing or horrible they are.
They're always apart of you.

Yesterday I took a picture.
This morning I printed it out.
Today I spent the day writing.
I took one look at this picture.
And now I have the first chapter of a book written.
I wasn't intending to start a new book.
It's a funny thing what inspiration can do.
What just one small, simple, everyday thing can do.

The worst part about living in two places...
Is the constant goodbyes
The second you adjust and are happy again.
It's time to pack.
It's time to say goodbye.
I'm growing tired of the word.
So instead I'll leave off with this.
*I'll see you guys soon!

I've always thought about love
What type of person I'll fall for
What they'll look like
How love will feel
But then the second I realized I had fallen for you
All of my thoughts on love changed
You redefined my definition of love
You make me spin
And you make my heart forever race
None of this is how I ever thought
But I'm okay with that because...
Its even better

While I'm stuck here.
The beautiful, depressed, island girl.
Who thinks of nothing but you and the way it sounds every time you would say that nickname you gave me.
Wishing desperately to be back in your arms.
Wishing desperately we could be driving around blaring Green Day.
Wishing desperately to go swimming fully dressed, in the ocean, after you pick me up from work.
Wishing desperately to be walking around The Strand holding your hand as I stop constantly, and you wait patiently, for me to finish taking yet another photo on my camera.
Wishing desperately...

I think,
And I hope its not true.
I think,
I like him...
My bestfriend

I wonder if he noticed.
Noticed what day it is.
My first thought when I saw it was
"Oh hey seven months"
But then I had to remind myself that it's not.
That were not...
So I wonder if he noticed that today was the 25th.
I wonder if for a second he forgot too.
Or if it didn't even phase him.
As though it was any other day.
Which I guess it is now.
Since we've agreed that all we are is friends.
Though he will never just be my friend.
And 25 will never go back to being just a number.
I wonder if he knows that also.
If he agrees.
Or if he's gone back to thinking of me as though we were never together

I've never been happier than the moment that I met him.
I remember it perfectly.
Every single emotion that was coursing through me.
I remember how nervous and jittery I was to finally see him in person.
And then how just completely happy I was once it occurred.
Knowing that I was now able to reach out and touch him.
That I could lay next to him.
Being able to see and hear his laughter in person.
Such simple things...
Things that people take for granted.
But things that make me happier than any other.
I don't know how long it took me to fall in love.
Or what it took for me to fall in love.
All I know is that I have been in love with him for longer than I've ever realized.
We started out as best friends.
But every night I would stay up on face time with him.
I would stay up just so he had somebody there through all of his nightmares.
So he knew that he had somebody who cared.
So he knew that I loved him even though I wouldn't say it.

I remember this day a year ago.
It was just as miserable.

What is it that they say?
Faith, trust, and pixie dust is all you need to fly away.
All you need is to believe.
Did they ever wonder what about those kids who never trust.
Whose ability to have faith is diminished.
The kids who can't believe in anything anymore.
Did they ever wonder how they were supposed to fly?
How they are supposed to escape to such a magical place as Neverland?

You use to give me flowers atleast once a day. Now everyday I find myself sitting alone, picking off the petals. Does he love me? Does he not?

Leave me alone and I just might break
Set me free and I'll run like the wind
Torture me and I'll come out stronger
Love me and I'll never leave your side

Everytime I go to write about the things that are hurting me the most...
I just end up crying hysterically

I wanna go on a date
To somewhere with no location
Just a car full of gas
And a handful of cash
Just see where the road leads us
What adventures we find along the way
With your hand in mine
The music blaring
Spending the entire day by your side
Smiling and laughing the time away
That sounds like the perfect day to me

The ocean reminds me of emotions.
Crashing in.
Fading out.
Sometimes fast and overpowering.
Sometimes slow and gentle.
Others a constant stream of the same thing pouring in and back out for endless amounts at a time.

Everywhere I turn
Everything I see
Every word I hear
Every touch I feel
No matter what I do
It all leads back to memories of you

The worlds crashing
And the people are crying
As the days get worse
And the nights get shorter
Thoughts suffocating the hope
And pain filling your heart
Stressed out
Depressed out
The world becomes darker with each day

They sit there across the room from each other in a comfortable yet unsettling silence.
She sitting on the bed looking at her anxiety bitten nails.
Him sitting at the desk enveloped by his phone.
Getting a moment of courage the girl looks up and asks a simple question.
"Do you miss it?"
Confused the boy looks up.
"Miss what?" He asks.
"Do you miss how it felt to be in love? Do you miss how it felt knowing we always had each other? Always had someone to turn to in the darkest of moments who would grab your hand, and steal you away. Force you into the light and do everything so you never have to go back to the black hole that tries to surround you. Do you miss what it felt like to be smiling the second you saw me or heard my voice? I miss those smiles. I miss how it feels."
Putting down his phone he moves across the empty bedroom and stares straight into her eyes.
"I try not to think about it, but in this moment... Now that I am thinking about it, I do. I miss what it felt like to hold you and watch all of our demons fade away."
"I wish there was a way for us to be in love again. I wish both of us hadn't blown all of our chances."
"So do I my ForeverGirl."
Closing her eyes she feels him sit down next to her and hold her one more time.
Opening them to look at her one love, she looks around in shock.

It's six am according to the alarm clock blaring next to her.
She's in bed alone...
As she always is now.
It was just a dream.
Turning the alarm off before falling back into bed.
She curls up into a ball and cries her way back to sleep.
Back to him.
Dreams being the only place she can feel his touch.
Hear his voice.
The boy she loves.
The boy who died a year ago.

You run around not sure where you belong,
Or how you fit into this world.
You run around surrounded by fear,
Trying to escape the crushing darkness that closes in.
However my darling there's no point to continue running.
I'm here.
Keeping the demons away with your every step.

Why do the worst emotions hit at the most inconvient times.
Why do words never stop them selves from being spoken before the damage has been done.
Why do I begin to do good.
Be happy.
Be healthy.
All to have it disappear.
All to end up laying here feeling this way.
Alone and empty.
On the verge of tears with anger building inside my soul.
Why do I never learn my lesson.
Making the same mistakes time and time again.
However I never expect different results.
I know the outcome.
I know how it will end yet I continue to proceed.
I'm self destructive.
An exploding bomb just waiting to go off again.
Why must I do this.
Why must I feel this way.
Why do I live this life.
I wish I could change my past.
Change that which has traumatized me into allowing myself to be this person.
I wish I could live peacefully with myself for more than a month or two.
Live peacefully without some old problem reappearing and crushing me again.
Why do I never get over my past.
Never get over the trauma.
I have never been strong enough for that.
Strong enough to let go.
To stop myself from crashing again.
Why do I live this way still.
It's lasted too long.

Why is it that the one person who I want to hold me...
Hold me in the moments that I want to die.
Is the same person that makes me want to die.
Want to die because I can't have him holding me.
It's irony at its best.

In the vibrant shine of my eyes.
I can see all the hope of my future.
All the passion I hold for art.
I can also see how lifeless they are.
How much they lack emotion, happiness, and love.

I constantly find myself wishing.
Wishing that I could forgot you completely.
Wishing that I could go back.
That we could just never have met.
That I can erase you from my past.
But at the same time...
I'd be praying that you'd still find your way into my path in the future.
Because I never felt happier than our times together.
It'd make sense I've never felt worse than us being apart.
Because I'm left realizing.
I wouldn't be who I am...
If I hadn't had met you.
If you hadn't become my everything.
If you hadn't taught me to be happy.
If you hadn't had destroyed me.
So tell me...
The next shooting star I see,
Should I wish to forget you.

The past year I have written poem after poem of how close I was to breaking.
To falling apart.
To dying inside.
And now that it happened.
I wish somebody had taken my warnings seriously.
A person can only take so much before cracking.
And I didn't just crack....
I shattered into thousands of pieces

Sometimes I forget that poetry saved my life.
If I hadn't had found it,
And been drawn in how I was.
I wouldn't have had a way to feel back then.
Back before I learned what feeling was like again.
All my thoughts and emotions would have gone unspoken.
Which would have caused me even deeper depression.
Even deeper hiding.
I truly doubt I could have ever re-found my self.
Without poetry coming in.
Without it saving my life.

Every time he smiles its like my heart is exploding.
Every time I look into his eyes it's like I'm seeing him again for the first time.
I can feel it...
I can feel my world changing.
It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
Falling in love again.
It's like everything I've known has shattered into dust and a beautiful world is rebuilding its self up around me.

We may be broken...
But we're healing!
And that's what counts.

I can feel the anxiety coursing through my body.
Oh God how I want this.
How I need it.
I know I'll be great.
Yet, I want this so badly...
My anxiety is overwhelming.
Scared of the possibility of being denied.

I can't handle it anymore
I'm at the verge of breaking
And I don't know what to do
I'm going insane

Stomach fluttering
Head swarming
Heart pounding
This is what happens every time...
I look at you
Every time I talk to you
My love for you is forever old
But feels like brand new
Every time I set my eyes upon you
You make my whole word spin
If only you knew
You're my wish I want to come true
You mean more to me than any before
If only you knew I still felt this way
I wonder would anything change?
I told you I had moved on...
Such a lie, I didn't know how you believed
Makes me question...
Do you still feel the same?
Since I know you did once long ago
But every thing has changed since
In my eyes you're perfection
Even with all your faults
I used to know some...
To say that you were my Romeo
I could keep going about all I feel
In regard to you
But this poem is getting kind of long
So I shall go with these final words...
Goodnight my love and sweet dreams

Depression is a *****
And
It never truly goes away

Help me break free from this torturous world.
Hold me as I cry for days at a time.
Keep me laughing when all I want to do is die.
Help me escape from my brutal mind.
Keep me awake when all I want is to disappear.
Save me from myself as I slowly force myself away.
Most of all...
Promise me, to care about me enough for us both.
Till the end of eternity.

Being in love is killing my poetry. I guess even happiness has its flaws.

I've saved up just enough money for a one way ticket out of here.
To go as far away as I please.
My bags are packed.
I left a note on my bed with all of my goodbyes.
However, there is something stopping me.
If I walk out this door...
I will never see him again,
Once one of us is out of this town...
Our forever is officially over.
Yet my plane takes off in an hour,
So I guess this is it.
The final goodbye to the dreams I once had.

I feel empty
Nothing else
Just solely and completely
Empty

I sometimes just wish I could cry...
And let go of everything.
Jut sob away all of my problems.
And then afterwards I will,
Finally be able to pick my self up...
And move on!
Thats all I want...
Is to not be able to feel like crying,
Whenever somebody is talking about him.
Its not my fault he is different now,
So why do I feel bad about him?
Just the thought of him half the time,
Makes me want to burst out in tears.
I have never seen anybodys...
"Vibe" change that much, so quickly before.
He drives me insane!
He is my only week spot.
And I hate it!
All I want more than anything in this world,
Is to move on,
To be done,
To not care,
To be free
I'm sick and tired of all of his bull!
Soooo this is it!
Some day I am going to cry...
I am going to sob it all away...
And be free, from him...
I'm going to get back up!
But until then...
I'm just going to be wishing,
That I could just cry.

You broke me.
Now to survive I have to sit in bed night after night,
Reading poem after poem.
Quote after quote.
About love and heartbreak.
Happiness and sorrow.
Just hoping to find something I connect with.
That way I don't feel so alone.
That way I don't feel so crazy.
That way it feels okay that I still miss you this much.
Even though I'm shattered to the core.
Because I'm inlove with who you really are.
Not who you've convienced yourself to be.
I can't help but hate myself for still loving you.
Still crying about you.
That I have to have something to get through the night.
Because I cared enough to let you break me,
Crack me so deeply I don't know if I'll ever repair.

I wish I could forget this feeling I have permanently engraved in my brain. But unfortunately I don't think it's ever going to go away. I just wish it would begin to fade. I'm so tired of always having to fight to be okay.

I'm not okay, but that's okay.
And I can't stop crying but atleast I'm feeling.
I may be sad and feeling lonely.
All I want is somebody to hold me.
But I still know no matter what...
I'll be okay.

A year ago today I was in complete hell. However, a year has passed and though the memories still makes my heart break. Today is becoming an amazing day.

Do you see that light?
The streak of sunshine peeking out of the stormy clouds..
That's what you have to remember.
There's always good in the midst of the bad.
There's always a reason to keep that smile upon your face.
There's always something there to keep that shine in your eyes.
To keep you alive.

I have all these memories swarming through my head.
And for once I'm smiling through it.
As the thoughts remind me of the good times of the past.
And instead of laying in sorrow.
Resenting the fact it is ending.
I'm enjoying the fact it occurred