It's 3:36 am
I'm laying outside.
There's a half moon and stars scattered on a dark canvas above me.
Smoke rising in the air as I take another drag of what will invaitcably **** me.
I just can't help but wondering...
Will this winter be different?
Will the rest of my life be different?
Somehow am I going to let go of my destruction of a path?
Can I be the person I want to be.
Will I succeed?
Or...
Am I going to spiral back down into the darkness?
Like all the times before?

Why do the worst emotions hit at the most inconvient times.
Why do words never stop them selves from being spoken before the damage has been done.
Why do I begin to do good.
Be happy.
Be healthy.
All to have it disappear.
All to end up laying here feeling this way.
Alone and empty.
On the verge of tears with anger building inside my soul.
Why do I never learn my lesson.
Making the same mistakes time and time again.
However I never expect different results.
I know the outcome.
I know how it will end yet I continue to proceed.
I'm self destructive.
An exploding bomb just waiting to go off again.
Why must I do this.
Why must I feel this way.
Why do I live this life.
I wish I could change my past.
Change that which has traumatized me into allowing myself to be this person.
I wish I could live peacefully with myself for more than a month or two.
Live peacefully without some old problem reappearing and crushing me again.
Why do I never get over my past.
Never get over the trauma.
I have never been strong enough for that.
Strong enough to let go.
To stop myself from crashing again.
Why do I live this way still.
It's lasted too long.

Everytime you leave my side it feels as though I am dying inside

I have all these memories swarming through my head.
And for once I'm smiling through it.
As the thoughts remind me of the good times of the past.
And instead of laying in sorrow.
Resenting the fact it is ending.
I'm enjoying the fact it occurred

Where did you go?
I can't seem to find you anymore.
What happened to make you disappear.
I miss you.


and by you *I mean me.

How do you keep going through existence when your life is caving in
How do you go through the day when the pain is to much to bear
How do you keep smiling that
smile when your empty inside
How do I survive this nightmare I'm living when all want to do is run and hide  
How do you act like your not internally dying when the worlds gone upside down
How do you live when nothing to you matters
How can you be happy when everything has disappeared
How do I care about whether I live or die

I feel empty
Nothing else
Just solely and completely
Empty

The thought of writing how I feel makes my skin burn.
My heart races in my chest and it becomes hard to breathe.
I used to write every day.
The words would flow out in this never-ending stream.
I wonder what changed?
I wonder why I am so scared to put how I feel into words the way I used to.
Will I ever be able to turn feelings into eloquent writing again?
The way I used to or at least tried to...

Life is withering away at our fingertips. The world is on fire and ash is falling from the sky. So tell me how are you going to spend your last remaining moments? What will you be doing as you watch the world fall through existence?

And in that moment she saw her world shatter into thousands of pieces around her and she picked herself up out of the rubble, shook the remaining fragments out of her hair and walked away. Ready to start anew.

How do you say goodbye to those you love?
How do you tell the people who have always been there...
that continuing to talk to them, is unhealthy for you?
How do you say goodbye to your entire world?
How do you just leave it all behind?
Will somebody please tell me how!
Before the question kills me inside...

I saw you sitting there.
Sitting on that park bench.
With your long board pressed against your knee.
I remember getting out of the van,
Running over to where I could see you.
I was so excited I was practically bouncing.
Though at the same time...
I never before had felt that amount of happiness.
Being near you, has never made me feel happier.
Every time I'm around you that happiness just grows.
Everyday, I see you.
Hear your voice.
I've never felt a greater happiness.
A single person has never made me happier.
You're my happy place.
Just thinking of all those moments with you.
No matter how long its been since they've occurred.
I can't help but smile.

And just like that the emotions swarm.
The anger piles up.
Tears falling down my face like a rain storm.
Shallow breathing.
In so much pain I feel as though numb.
What am I suppose to do?
What am I suppose to feel?
Will my misery ever diminish?
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
This constant cycle of never ending downs and very few ups.

Somedays I'm happy.
Some days I'm not.
Some days I smile with that light in my eyes.
Others I spend it crying my eyes out.
But either or...
I've come so far because,.
I never use to smile or cry.
I use to be a shell.
So yes, some days all I want to do is die.
But that's okay.
Because some days I still smile.

It's 6:25am.
I haven't slept.
I'm in a horrible mood.
However I've made a decision.
It's time to be who I truly am again.
The girl I used to be wasn't weak.
She was head strong and stuck to her morals.
She believed that love and *** are not to be taken lightly.
They are beautiful things and not to be thrown around and abused.
The girl I was...
She was sweet.
Cared for everyone around her.
It didn't matter who you were or what was going on, if someone needed help she was there.
She was brutally honest and didn't care what anyone thought of her.

The person I've become sickens me...
She is dark and bitter.
She acts without thinking just to spend the next few days hating herself for what she has done.
She has hurt the people she loves most.
She doesn't care what happens as long as she feels okay in the moment.
She has been hurt and broken so many times that she has nothing left in her.
All the bad bounces off of her because she has forced herself not to care.
She has no regard for those around her.
She lies to the people closest to her so she doesn't have to admit how horrible of a person she has become.

So here I am now.
In this moment.
This sleepless, emotional moment.
I have decided to become the girl I was.
The girl I truly am.
Somebody that I can be proud of.
I've decided to be the girl without a broken heart and go back to being full of love.
It's time I learn to love myself again.

Depression is a *****
And
It never truly goes away

We are the kids your parents never want you to be.
We are the kids everyone else is envious of.
We are the kids who run wild and free.

My headaches gone
But my heart still aches
I've slept off a lot of the pain
But there's a lot still left
My heartache over being so far away
It's killing me
Driving me insane
You're all I need to get through the day
You're all I need to fall asleep at night
And yet it doesn't work that way
Not yet atleast
Because you're so far away from me
It's my mistakes that made this distance between us
I know it's ******* you also
But baby if I don't go home soon
This is gonna **** me inside

Silent like a box
Hiding inside your shell
Putting on a mask
Deep in your disguise
Never opening up
Holding everything in
Keeping all the secrets
Watching from the sidelines
Scared to be on the stage,
To show your true self
Always deep in thought
Showing no emotion
This is how you are...
At least when it comes to me

Where do I go when I have no where to run
Where do I go when the world is collapsing from the inside
When reality is tearing to pieces
Where do I run when I need a place to hide and I'm dying inside
Now that my place of safety has gone away
My one place of freedom
Where I can be who I am
Where do I run now that my world is gone

Being in love is killing my poetry. I guess even happiness has its flaws.

I sometimes just wish I could cry...
And let go of everything.
Jut sob away all of my problems.
And then afterwards I will,
Finally be able to pick my self up...
And move on!
Thats all I want...
Is to not be able to feel like crying,
Whenever somebody is talking about him.
Its not my fault he is different now,
So why do I feel bad about him?
Just the thought of him half the time,
Makes me want to burst out in tears.
I have never seen anybodys...
"Vibe" change that much, so quickly before.
He drives me insane!
He is my only week spot.
And I hate it!
All I want more than anything in this world,
Is to move on,
To be done,
To not care,
To be free
I'm sick and tired of all of his bull!
Soooo this is it!
Some day I am going to cry...
I am going to sob it all away...
And be free, from him...
I'm going to get back up!
But until then...
I'm just going to be wishing,
That I could just cry.

Second by second the world goes around.
Second by second I feel myself spiraling away from the ground.
Second by second it becomes closer to the time when you leave.
Second by second I will fall to pieces.
In a matter of seconds my mind will become a war zone.
However the seconds will feel like an eternity.
Second by second...

Open windows
Fast cars
Loud music
Lots of screaming
Always dancing
This is the life to live

I've watched my world shatter into a million fragments and become ****** in by a black hole.
Yet here I am smiling as though the darkness has never once reached my soul.

Take me away to the place of lost dreams
To the place of the broken
Where the wild runs free
Take me to the place where adventures are constant
To the place where love never dies
And rules are always broken
Let me run around without a single thought in the world
Where nothing can stop me in my path
So I can break free from the reality that is always torturing me

How do you go from I love you's
To being just friends again

Yesterday I woke up in your arms.
Today I woke up 1000 miles away from you.
Is it to early to say that I miss you?
Is it even okay for me to say that I miss you?
Because I do.
I miss you a lot.
And I just kinda want to go back to yesterday morning.
When I was curled up with you completely.
When all I could feel was your skin on mine.
I kept waking up and bringing you closer.
Wishing for that moment to never end.
Until I woke up to leave.
Leaving you again, is torture for me.
Wether we are together or not.
I love you with everything in me and that will never change.

I feel dead inside.
Like the car door wasn’t the only thing that got crushed last night
I sat there staring out the window
I saw the other car come straight at me
I thought for sure that was the end of it
That I wouldn’t make it out of there alive
As I watched it head straight towards me,
I closed my eyes and waited for the impact
Everything happened in the matter of seconds
But it felt much longer than that

I saw him today.
It didn't hurt anymore.
I wasn't sad at all.
I kind of just wished I could have said hi once last time.
Then continued on with my day.

For the moments where you can not stop yourself from doing something no matter how much pain it brings you.

A year ago my life was complete hell.
Now look at me.
I'm on fire.

I've got a theory that non of us understand who we are

Moving on hurts worse than the heartbreak itself.
Though it's still the friendship that I miss the most.

There's a side to me I don't believe anyone will ever have the pleasure to meet because she lives within my deepest dreams.

I don't know who you are right now
And it's breaking my heart
Because all I want to know...
Is where did you go?

I spent so long on my own that I got use to nobody being there.

Now it freaks me out when people are there...**

Yet, everybody is still never there when I truly need them.

As the petals start to fall
And the daylight begins to fade away
Just know my love for you will never go

I wish I could fall in love with you.
Life would be so much easier.
Except you're my bestfriend.
And I can never see you that way.