I miss you my bestfriend
This break isn't easy
But it's what needs to be done
I just hope someday...
We can go back
Back to how it use to be
Without the drama
Without all the emotions and pain
I really miss you
No matter how unhealthy you are for me
You're my bestfriend
I love you
No matter that you're a fool
Hearing your voice can brighten my whole day
I miss it my bestfriend
I miss you

My bestfriend wanted to **** himself last night.
Drunk as **** he called me.  
Crying his eyes out as he rants.
Talking about wanting to die.
Begging I pleaded for him not to.
Yet he had no care for what I said.
Telling me he wanted to feel what it was like to cut.
Leaving his phone to go find a razor.
I ran the five minute walk to his house.
Rushing in, he throws the blade in shock.
Then fights me as I try to keep him from going and finding it.
Fights me as I try to stop him from getting another one.
Crying I beg him to stop cutting.
Beg him to stop as he slits his wrists open infront of me.
It was as though he had no care for me.
As though I was some stranger standing in his way of happiness.
He was a different person entirely.
Calling the only mom I trust.
She rushes over and we force him to get up and leave.
We were able to stop him.
Get him to talk.
Yet.
He is still so distance.
So different.
I'm scared to death...
Scared that I'm on the verge of losing my bestfriend.
The guy who got me sober.
Who has stopped me from cutting and more, countless times.
I can't survive without him.
I can't help but pray with everything in me.
That he will be okay.
That he will make it through.
I love him too much to lose him.
He's my bestfriend.
I'm scared to leave him alone.
I'm scared to overcrowd him.
I just want him safe.
I don't know how to feel about all of this.
I'm scared out of my mind.

I've come to a realization.
I'm different than everyone else and that's okay.
I'm not weird.
I'm unique.
Nobody has ever truly been able to understand me.
Though, a few have come quite close.
I feel with everything in me.
I have depth to my thoughts that most don't.
I dance for no reason.
I dress to mood.
You never know what to expect from me.
You can never fully grasp me.
I've always been this way.
And for years I've been judged for it.
Even by those closest to me.
But, I like who I am.
Correction.
I love who I am.
I'm smart and beautiful.
I'm a free spirt.
I never like to stop moving.
To stop talking.
And that's okay.
That's just who I am.
I don't want to be just another face in a crowd of the same collage on repeat.
I'm unique.
I'm real.
I'm brutally honest.
I love facts.
Cleaning and making lists make me happy.
I'll go from listening to hard rock to listening to Broadway.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone who truly understands the way my mind works.
But that's how I like it.
I finally like who I am.
I like being unique.
As we all should be.
We should all be unique.

Hush my sweet love.
Come lay here in my arms.
I'll protect you from all harm.
Protect you from your nightmares.
I'll keep you whole,
Never let you break.
Never let anyone harm you or your precious heart.
So come lay by my side.
I'll kiss you real quick.
We can spend the rest of the night sleeping in safety.
Keeping you safe from all harming thoughts.
I'll protect you from the world.
Even including yourself.
Here by my side you'll always be safe.
So close your eyes.
Quiet your mind.
Let me hold you.
Protect you from your demons.
It's safe here in my loving arms.
You're safe here by my side.

Remember
The day we first met and you fell asleep holding me.
Remember
The day you tried to ask me on a date and I got scared and invited my bestfriend.
Remember
The night we fell asleep in the back of your stepdads truck.
Remember
When we spent an entire night sending each other Avatar the Last Airbender pickup lines.
Remember*
Our first kiss and how perfect it was.
Remember
All those nights we slept on FaceTime.
Remember
All those nights we spent watching Netflix, curled up in each others arms.
Remember
All the times we use to wrestle and you'd pin me against you.
Remember
All those drives we'd take holding hands, music blaring.
Remember
All the inside jokes we had. All the different names we would have for things.
Remember
How we always got butterflies.
Remember
How we looked at each other like there was no one else in the world.
Remember
The way our skin felt pressed against each other.
Remember
The night you painted my nails.
Remember
The day I rode my bike across town just because you wanted me there.

I remember all of it. I remember every memory. Every feeling. I close my eyes and remember it like it is still happening. So tell me...

*Do you still remember when?

Someday I'll be the person I want to be.
Someday I'll stand up for myself.
Someday I'll learn how to love myself.
Someday I'll get my own art gallery.
Someday I'll finish writing my book.
Someday I'll walk the louve.
Someday I'll go to Venice and Rome.
Someday I'll find true love again.
Someday I'll be actually happy.
Someday I'll be the person I'm meant to be.
And until then I'm okay.
I'll get there!
Someday...

I have so much worry coursing through me.
Worry on how you'll react if it's true.
Worry on how the situation will play out.
Worry on how to tell you if its true.
Especially since you aren't talking to me currently.
And the last thing I want to do is impact your decisions with this.
So tell me how do I handle this.
How do I handle it if it is true.

Once Upon A Time...
What now feels like life times ago,
I met this boy.
We fell inlove.
And like so many love stories...
It took the wrong turn.
We crashed and we were destroyed.
Before the crash you were my bestfriend.
Now you're unrecognizable to me.
I will always be inlove with the boy you once were.
The greatest bestfriend of my life.
But this creature you have become...
I have no desire for.
Though apart of me will unfortunately always love him.
Simply because he use to be you.
Though inlove with him...
That I will never be.

I've changed because of you.
So much about me has changed.
I'm not even sure who I was before I had you.
I'm not even sure if I want to be her again.
I've grown so confident.
So calm.
I've developed patience and honesty.
I know who I am, and have accepted myself.
I enduldge in the things I love and don't hide what those things are.
I've matured and learned how to love in a truly healthy way.
I no longer rely on others.
I don't need someone in my life to take care of me any longer.
Though just because I don't need doesn't mean I don't want.
I can't imagine living through a day without talking to you.
Without proving how much I love you and want you in my life.
You're apart of every part of my world.
Everything about the person I've become has been supported by you.
I want to live the rest of my life spending everyday being influenced by you.
Maturing with you.
Changing with you.
Being in love with you.

However I've lost you..
The one constant I will never want to give up.
I just pray that one day I'll get you back.
The world dulls more and more each day without you by my side.

Why am I such a sucker for love.
Why do I always fall so quickly.
From the outside I seem so strong.
But in reality...
I am so vulnerable.
The smallest thing kills me inside.
From the outside it seems like nothing ever phases me.
But thats not true...
I fall so quickly,
And I brake even faster!
I've just learned how to hide it.
How to hide all of my emotions.
And never let people see inside of me.
Because every time I do...
I get hurt even more.
And my wall gets even tougher to crack.
But somehow somebody always manages to get through.
To hurt me yet again.
Whether they mean to or not...
But why do I do this to myself.
Always fall so hard for somebody,
Who doesn't fall for me.
Its this never ending cycle I put myself through.
Its like I purposely make myself miserable.
Why am I such a sucker for falling in love...
I''m just sorry that I was never able to,
Thank you for helping me feel emotions again.
And tell you that I am in love with you.

I think it's time to admit some things.

It's time to confess that I don't think I'm beautiful.
Beauty is not just physical.
It's about the mind and soul as well.
I've been told I'm attractive enough to confess it as true.
Yet, beauty I do not see.
I find myself disgusting.
Nobody beautiful could have ever done the things I have.
Could have lost the love of their life.

It's time to confess my sleepless nights are caused by him.
I can't sleep without somebody next to me.
Without pretending that he is holding me as he snores relentlessly.

It's time to confess I've started drinking again.
More like a lot of drinking again.
The alcoholic side of me is raging back out.
Because I can't handle my life.
I prefer the dulled version that burning drink creates.

It's time to confess I do feel emotions.
I feel so much that I am numb.
That I feel like I'm dying I'm so overwhelmed.
Yet it's not your average emotions I feel.

It's time to confess I don't feel affection.
I know I love my friends.
I know I love my family.
But it feels like a fabricated lie when I say it or even think it.
All I feel is pain.
Crushing.
Killing.
Pain.

It's time to confess that he is the only person I can say I love and believe it.

It's time to confess I have no desire for anyone because they're not him.
It's been months and nobody compares.
He is apart of me.
Everyone says I could have better.
Granted couldn't we all?
It's not about having the smartest, richest, hottest, sweetest guy.
It's about having the one who makes your heart melt.
The one who could never break you.

It's time to confess that I don't want to move on.
I have hope he will come back.
He will be him again.
Even if that won't be with me...
I just hope it will.

I confess I'm suffocating without him.
The pain is too much to bear.
I'm losing my ****.  

I confess that I lie to much to my family.
About partying and other not allowed things.
Hide to much from my friends.
Because I'm tired of how tired they are that all my problems revolve back to him.
Though I can't blame them.

I confess I'm still heartbroken over my baby.
And I hate my mom for cheating and divorcing my dad for a guy I only pretend to like.

I confess that I live every moment in the past.
Use my friends as a way to dull the pain I constantly feel.
Use them so I almost feel okay.
Yet I'm still even then stuck.
Being heartbroken by the good memories.
Feeling sick from the bad.

So there you have it.
My confessions of the day.

January 1st
I woke up in bed next to you.
I had the flu.

January 5th
I wasn't sick anymore but I was so depressed.

January 7th
I called you crying hysterically.
By the end of the call...
You told me that you wanted a break.

January 9th*
We decided to wait till I went back to Texas for the break though not speak at all from when I left to when I came back.

January 11th
I realized I was pregnant.
I called my best friend asking for a pregnancy test and a cigeratte.
I had stopped smoking for you when we got together.

January 12th
I boarded a plane.
I was so sick.

January 13th
I couldn't eat without getting sick.

January 14th
I couldn't drink water without throwing up.
My mom told me she was divorcing my dad.
I laid in bed all night in pain mentally screaming/praying for my baby to be okay.

January 15th
I woke up and had miscarried.
I was approximently 3-4wks pregnant.
I almost killed myself that night.
I didn't because I knew it would **** the guy I loved.

I layed in bed for a week. Didn't have the energy to eat let alone speak. I became so frail. So thin.

January 25th
I realized we weren't getting back together.

February 1st
I relapsed on pills.

February 4th
I was back in town.
I stayed the night at your house so my mom could talk to my dad.
We hadn't spoke in weeks.
By the end of the night we were us again.
However, you were so different in general.

February 6th
I overdosed on pills.
You sat there next to me.
Crying your eyes out.
Pleading with me to stop.
You sounded so angry and you were shaking.
I could hear the fear in your voice.
See how much you loved me in your eyes.
I stopped without a thought to it.
I couldn't hurt you.

February 7th
I had to go back to Texas again.

February 14th
You accidentally said you were my Valentine.

February 15th
You asked me about getting back together.
You backed out.

Time passed we were bestfriends yet there was more.* I came back to town and you had a distance with me. After spring break I could feel you coming back to me.

April 18th
I was emotionally done.
I allowed myself to get manipulated.
I made the worst mistake.
I lost you.

April 19th
I tried to **** myself.
I chugged whiskey.
Then...
Chugged cleaning fluid.
It didn't work...

This entire year has been hell. All I think about is you and that baby. I still love you. I can't figure out how to get past this. Something in me has died. Died with that child. Died with losing you. Smiles aren't real. Happiness is pretend. It took me months to stop crying everyday. Yet I still find times where the tears won't stop coming. The pain is the only thing real. I just can't wait for this hellish year to be over.

Maybe then I can start new...

You can tell can't you?
That's why he bothers you so much.
You can tell I still love him.
You're right I do.
I always have and always will.
It's a love that will never vanish no matter how hard I have tried.
It will never leave me.
That doesn't matter to me however.
He is no longer who I want.
Who I spend my days thinking of, loving, and missing in our moments apart.
He is no longer the man I wish to fall asleep with at night.
The man whose arms I wish to be waking up in.
Your voice is the last one I wish to hear at night.
Your face is the last I wish to see before closing my eyes.
I can't imagine being with anyone but you.
The love I have for you is so pure.
It's a constant, never ending, happiness.
It's a calm summer night full of laughter.
I love you with more of me than I knew was capable.
Nothing has ever felt so right before.
It is time to stop worrying about my past.
And realize...
You are the person I was supposed to be with from the moment we met.
I was destined to find you.
To love you.
Even if it ends up being for only a period of our lives.
In this moment my heart belongs to nothing and no one but you.

Winter is here and along with laughter and snowball fights come heartbreak and frozen tears.

There you are.
Hundreds of miles away from me.
Yet when I hear your voice through my phone.
It feels as you are right next to me.
I think of you laying next to me.
Holding me as I sleep.
And I can feel every curve of you against me as though you are really there.
Oh how I love our midnight talks.
Confessing every detail of ourselves.
Telling things no one else knows.
And though I love it.
I would do anything for you to really be here.
I don't know how to live without you next to me.
You are my everything.
My other half.
My wish upon a shooting star.
You are the dream non compare to.
If only I could see you.
Hug you for one moment.
I know my world would be okay.
I know my smile would finally shine.
I can't wait to see you.
Finally be able to hold you.
And kiss that smile I love so much.
Be able to look into the eyes that hypnotize me.
Oh how I miss you.
How I love you.
I can't wait till I can finally see you.
It's so close to the time.
We're months away.
Weeks away.
Days away.
Moments away.
And now we're here.
With you sitting next to me.

I feel like nothing constantly.
Like nobody gives a **** about me.
I have the lowest self-esteem ever.
But then again how could I not.
Everybody always leaves eventually.
And yes, I know they are not leaving me.
But thats always how it feels.
Everybody I ever start to really care about!
Dissapears...
My sister and I were always really close,
And I was just as close to her friends.
They were everything to me!
And then they all turned 18...
And moved away.
My brother has always been there.
ALWAYS!
He is one of my bestfriends.
And now he is leaving also.
I don't know how I am going to handle,
All of them...
Being gone now.
Because I still always had him.
I don't feel like I fit in with my friends.
Its been almost a year now,
And I still feel like an outsider.
I just feel like I am nothing.
And I don't fit in anywhere.

How could I possibly explain to you the things you do to my mind.
I get overwhelmed with love from one single look.
A thousand butterflies swarm through my stomach when I hear your voice.
And you always leave me stuck smiling.
A smile that could never fade.
Except.
When you start doing what you've grown so good at.
This beloved new pattern of yours.
We make plans.
This means, we have an agreement.
We've struck an accord.
I have your word.
A word that is beginning to mean less and less.
You've ditched me.
Again.
That's all I'm left here thinking.
I've been ditched.
Discarded.
Forgotten until another moment.
You try so hard.
That's what matters most right?
That you're trying?
That you love me?
I love you.
So tell me why I can't get it out of my mind...
I've been ditched.
My insecurities are screaming at me that I don't mean enough to be remembered.
You continuously tell me otherwise.
Yet, that is what I am stuck believing.
How could I possibly explain to you the things you do to my mind.
I've been ditched.
And you are no where to be found.

They say that when love is real it finds a way.

That if you're meant to be together it will happen.

That if you love someone then to let them go and if they truly love you they'll come back.

But what if both of you are so scared and waiting for the other to fall in your lap you never make the move that gets one another back.

What if when you let them go. They think there's no chance and even though they still love you just as much as you do them... They don't realize you still love them also.

What if you're so busy waiting for fate and the powers of love to fix your life, that you miss the opportunity in front of you. If only you made the move.

Love is powerful because it makes us do things we never would have. Not because it magically fixes everything.

Everyone searches for perfection.
The perfect guy.
The perfect girl.
The perfect outfit or haircut.
To be perfect.
To look perfect.
We all want it and seek for it desperately.
I'm one who never believed perfection existed.
All I see in the world is flaws.
I search for beauty and am always left with everything but.
I look at a random face and see every negative feature instead of the positive.
I guess you could say I'm a pessimist to the extreme.
Or atleast I was.
I've recently learned perfection is hidden within every moment.
Because I'll look at you and I know you're perfection.
Not because you look like the perfect human.
Not because you have the most perfect traits one could have.
You're perfect because...
Every flaw.
Every imperfection.
Every positive.
Every beautiful feature you have.
Is everything I want.
When I look at you, I smile and in that moment life is perfect.

All I want to do is run away
Run back to the time of ease
When the world was bright and beautiful to me
When everything was full of hope and possibility
I never expected it to be this hard
That all these sacrifices would have to be made
Its driving me insane
I feel so hopeless
It's like the world has lost its worth
And I'm just left sitting here...
Scared out of my mind
With one thought running through my head
I just want to run away

I have this necklace.
No matter how hard I try I can't stop wearing it.
I wore it virtually every single day from the time he gave it to me.
He bought it for my birthday.
He bought it back when we were bestfriends.
He refused for two months to give it to me.
He said he wanted to make sure he got to see me smile again.
**** did I smile too.
Now...
No matter how hard I try...
I still can't stop wearing it.
Not because the boy I loved gave it to me.
But because my bestfriend in this entire world gave it to me.
It's my favorite thing.
I can't bear to be without it.
It stands for everything I once had.
It stands for the happiest I've ever been.
It shows how deeply we knew each other.
The forever girl wears this necklace.
I may not be his forever anymore.
He may hate me completely.
That doesn't change the fact that he changed my life forever.
That whether I'm in love with him or not...
I will love him forever.

Laying out in the sun.
Getting sunburns that lead to tans.
Spending hours in the ocean.
Waves crashing against my skin.
Lots of smiles.
Lots of laughter.
Yet something's missing.
Something's not right.
This great day feels wrong.
And I can't quite place why.
Though I think I'm starting to figure it out.
I think it's because of you.
Because you're not here experiencing this with me.
And you were suppose to always be here.
Experiencing the rest of life and its beauty at my side.

I'm staying at my grandfathers tonight.
I remember very vividly the last time I stayed in this room.
And like always.
Like everything else in my life.
It's a memory connected to you.
There's no where I can go.
No song I can hear.
No movie I can watch.
No single person I can talk to...
With out there being a memory of you.
My world was once your world.
Now... Everything's connected to you.

Some days I wish I was normal.
That I wasn't plagued with all these problems.
The depression.
The anxiety.
The addiction.
Not to mention the physical disorders.
Somedays I wish I felt whole.
That I had the ability to feel love again.
Feel true emotions at all.
I feel almost good somedays.
I feel anger occasionally.
Normally it's just a crushing feeling of dread.
I wish I was normal.
Maybe then I wouldn't have made all those bad choices.
Wouldn't be as rebellious as I am.
Maybe then I would still have all the things I've ended up losing.
But then...
I have to remind myself that if I was any form of normal...
I wouldn't have all of the things I do.
I wouldn't have been able to make my favorite memories.
I wouldn't have the friends that I adore.
The wisdom my life has created.
I wouldn't be me.
I may not be normal.
I may not feel whole.
But I am, who I am.
I think it's finally time to embrace it.
Finally time to start learning to love myself again.

It’s my birthday and I feel nothing.
Every year I watch people anticipate their birthdays.
As a kid there’s so much excitement.
As an adult there’s so much dread.
There’s the glorious sweet sixteens.
The exciting turn of being an adult at eighteen.
You turn twenty one and are
completely legal.
It’s a celebration.
A cause for happiness, gifts, parties, and so much more.
It’s a holiday just for you.
Yet year after year I’ve felt nothing.
I feel nothing.
It’s a day to remember for most.
A day I’ve always wished would go away.
I feel as though I have to fake my way through this day.
Pretend I feel the same.
In my eyes it’s just the same as every other day.
Birthdays are meaningless to me.

I get to town and immediately go to your place.
I text you that I'm there.
I walk to your front door and it's locked.
Which is odd... Cause it's never locked.
I knock and hear laughter inside.
I wait and nobody answers.
I turn away and text you again.
I hear your voice telling me to turn around.
I look back and there you are.
Standing behind you're balcony railing.
Hand picked flowers in your hand tied together with floss.
I run the few steps over to you.
I smile and we kiss.
Our first kiss.
No awkwardness to it.
Just perfection.
We laugh, and smile, and keep kissing.
Until finally after a few minutes stop.
Realizing we have to go back inside.
You hand me the flowers and we walk to your door.
Our friends,
The ones I heard laughing,
Are waiting for us inside.


*It was the perfect day.
With the perfect boy.
A day I wish had never ended.
A memory I always find myself replaying.
Even now, almost a year later.
Even now, when him and I don't even talk.

I was so close to not being inlove with you.
I was falling out of love.
But then for some reason...
We got close again.
And I couldn't help it.
I fell back in love with you.
Just as much as I had before.
If not even more...
Though now you practically hate me.
So I'm stuck having to force myself back out of love.

Way to many things are occurring today.

Today's prom.
I was suppose to be there with you.

Today's the 25th...
It was suppose to be our nine months.

Today, two years ago my great grandfather passed away.
I was sitting next to him.
I miss him so much.

Today I watched my friends mom fall off a latter.
She laid there screaming.
I feel traumatized.

Today I'm going to get dressed up.
Hang out in my friends garage.
And get drunk.

Today *****.
I miss the love of my life.
I miss my grandfather.
I just want this day to disappear.

So much has happened.
I'm slowly starting to lose my mind.
My heart is shattered.
I don't feel depressed
Pessimistic
******
Mad
Sad
Or anything like that.
I feel dead
I feel gone.
I'm not lost anymore.
I know who I am.
But I'm gone.
I'm 1000 miles from everything I care about.
I have nothing to try for currently.
It takes all my energy to wake up.
Or eat.
Or just speak!
Ive lost everything for now.
And I'm tired of fighting to get it all back.
Over and over again.
I just want to go home...
Before I completely die inside

I know I write to much.
Correction...
I know I write about him to much.
I just find myself stuck.
Crying in heartbreak.
Feeling as though I'm torn in half.
Not only did I lose him.
It's as though I lost this giant part of me also.
I'm now just stuck in misery.
With nobody to share my pain and suffering with.
He was the person I told all this too.
Now I only have my pen and paper to share my pain with.
I'm heart broken.
It's been months...
And I'm still heartbroken.
All I've done for days is cry.
I miss him.
With everything in me.
I miss him.
Until that pain starts to deminish.
I'm just left to continue to write.
Writing way to often about a heartbreak that only so far has seemed to grow.
And not fade away like everyone expects it too.

For over a year now you've been my life line.
I stayed alive because of you.
You always told me that if I die, you die.
So I stayed alive.
Simply because I could never hurt you.
Though Sunday it became clear that you're done with me.
Don't want anything to do with me.
Which meant if I died.
You wouldn't.
I didn't have something stopping me anymore.
I hate myself more than I can even explain.
So I got drunk and tried to **** myself.
I gave up over 16months of sobriety because I thought I was going to be dead by the end of the day.
I wanted to die.
I was going to die.
But yet...
I'm still alive.
I gave up 16 months of sobriety and I'm still alive.
I sicken myself.
And I still just want to die.

You sit across the room from me,
And pretend I'm not even there.
You see me take a shot,
And aren't even phased.
How do you just not even care anymore?
No... I understand why you wouldn't care anymore.
I just can't believe it as true.
I messed up.
Now you're stuck pretending I don't exist.
My bestfriend pretends I don't exist.

I have an overwhelming feeling to disappear.
However, not permenantly.
I want to drop all communication.
All socialization.
Until I'm not so scared.
I always disappear when I feel unwanted.
Then I come back once I've come to my sense.
I run away from my problems.
There's my confession of the day.
I run away.
I so terribly want to run.
Though I know that unwise.
I spiral into even darker mindsets when I'm alone.
I barely survive when I'm alone.
So why does disappearing...
Why does running...
Why does being alone sound so amazing?

Right there is where I fell in love with you.
Walking into this room I am swarmed with memories.
Because right here.
In these four walls...
Is where I fell in love.
Sitting on the floor over there painting.
Sitting on that chair at the desk.
Laying in bed on FaceTime.
There is where I first heard your voice on the phone.
First saw you on FaceTime.
Right there is where I sat while spending 3hrs convincing you it was okay for us to date.
This is where it all happened.
In the living room is the couch I was sitting on when you first messaged me.
There in the kitchen I use to dance while on FaceTime with you.
All of it happened here.
This is where I fell inlove with you.
Sitting here...
Every memory is pouring into my mind.
As though I've gone back in time.
As though walking through that door...
Transported me back to a different life.

Do you remember the good old days.
Back in middle school.
In the beginning of high school.
We were all so young and naïve.
Sneaking around town at one in the morning.
Feeling like we were the baddest of them all.
Thirteen - Fourteen years old feeling like we're on top of the world.
We thought that we knew it all.
Little did we know how stupid we were.
How truly harsh and painful the world could be to us.
I would do anything to go back.
Back to the days when we were all innocent.
Well perhaps not innocent...

Within a matter of days he swept in and changed everything.
Suddenly I felt like I deserved more than what I had been allowing myself.
Next to him I finally felt like myself again.
I wasn't being who I needed to be; who people expected me to be.
I was just living within each moment.
He didn't make me happy.
He made me believe I deserved happiness.
He made me want to be happy.
Now I'm smiling like an idiot throughout each day.
Yet, whenever I speak to him it becomes a smile that exceeds expectations.
Suddenly I posses a smile I was unaware existed.

Let me ask you something.
What happened to I love you.
What happened to I love everything about you.
What happened to forever.
What happened to I love you and your flaws unconditionally.
What happened.
What made it stop.
What happened to you are my world.
What happened to I can't wait to spend my life with you.
What happened to we will make it through anything.
What happened to I need you.
What happened to you are my happiness.
What happened to I can't sleep without you.
What happened to you are my bestfriend.
What happened to I am so lucky.
What happened to all of the jokes.
All of the laughs shared.
What happened to you are why I smile.
What happened to I will marry you.
What happened to I will never leave you.
What happened to you are my priority.
I don't understand how it can change.
How you can go from loving to not caring.
Wanting to spend forever together to never see each other again.
I don't understand.
So tell me.
What happened to make you change your mind.

I remember the way it felt.
The way it felt to be set on fire.
One simple look...
One simple touch from you and it was as though I could see the flames coursing over my body.
The electricity running through my veins.
You ignited me in the most beautiful way.
You made that spark reappear in my eyes.
You reminded me how it felt to be alive.

You had me at "Hey"
You had me at "Do dolphins get dizzy?"
You had me at "I wanna be a whale"
You had me at "Cyborgs in Mt. Rushmore."
You had me with every joke.
You had me at out first phone call.
You had me at first sight.
I was always yours.
I don't know why I let you in like I did.
You lighted up my whole world.
Then you let me shatter back into the darkness.
But you always had me at hello.
I will always think of you and all the butterflies with every mailbox I pass.

Goodbye.

Today's the day.
Today's the day I go home.
Today's the day I see them again.
I see my friends.
I see my family.
I should be so happy.
I just can't get over this overwhelming fear.
What will happen...
What will happen when I see him again?

I love you
Like the moon and the stars
You and I are incomplete without the other

To Gallifrey and Back
Greatful I am for you
Always by my side
Blessed, My heart is yours

Forever and Always
A** half of you is given to me
A half of me is given to you

My heart thumps in my chest overloaded with adrenaline.
As a new found adventure begins.
The same story being told.
Yet, a different chapter being written.
Who knows how it will end.
However...
Isn't that the exciting part?

I put your shirts away.
The one that always smells like you.
The ones that I claimed as mine.
My shirts of yours that I love so much.
I still can't stop myself from wearing that necklace you got me.
The one for my birthday.
From when we were just friends.
I can't bear to be away from it.
I still wear all the clothes your mom bought me or your sister gave me.
All the cute new tops.
And old ripped jeans.
I still stare at the stars.
I get sad at all the things we smiled about.
I still think all the things I would look over and say to you.
I still think twice before I eat certain foods.
I feel lonely with every shower I take.
Every lunchable I eat.
Every drool worthy car I pass.
I wish I still talked to you on the phone everyday.
I still leave room for you in my bed when I go to sleep.
I still feel like I can't breathe when I see you.
I wish you were still my bestfriend.
I still call things what we named them.
I still want to send you all the pictures I use to.
I still worry about you.
You look too thin.
The songs we would sing to,
have *** to,
or just have in the back ground...
Still make me remember all those moments like they are still happening.
I still fall asleep dreaming of you.
I still wake up forgetting that you aren't there.
I still feel your touch every time I lay still.
I still hear your voice and laugh when I close my eyes.
I still wish you were my mcm.
I still do things for you as though you would care.
I still make sure the volumes are hitting a five.
I still want to call you.
Whether I need you to help me because I'm crashing.
Or I'm bored and want to talk.
I still make sure to be healthy for you.
I still love you.
I still care.
I wish I was still you're bestfriend.
I still wish for you constantly.
But mostly as my bestfriend more than anything.
I still want you always there.
I'm not okay with letting you go anymore.
But I know I have too.
I still want you to be happy.
That doesn't change the fact that I still miss you.
I miss you so much.
I still want to be your valentine.
I still want you to be there the rest of my life.
To grow old with you.
I still want all those dreams we made.
Mailboxes still give me butterflies.
I still cry almost everyday.
I still have so much more to say
But for now just know...
I still think of you every where I go.

I just had an epiphany.
I'm done.
I wouldn't take him back.
He lied too much.
I got too angry.
We were amazing bestfriends .
Even better **** buddies.
But I don't think I could ever be with him again.
He just isn't the guy I feel in love with anymore.
I actually feel like I'm done.
Do I love him...
Yes.
Always will.
But he's not that same guy.

Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I may be small and weaker than most.
We know I'm definitely more fragile than most.
Though I would travel to the end of the world to save you.
I would fight 1,000 men to save you.
To save your heart from anymore damage.
Protect your mind from anymore pain.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I love you more than words can describe.
When I'm with you I feel alive.
A sense of calm captures me.
The smile you see and laughter you hear belong to you.
You make me feel strong and invincible.
Every time I see you the rest of the world disappears.
The love I have for you is irreplaceable.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
Looking at you takes my breath away.
Your smile hypnotizes me.
I find everything about how you look addicting.
I can never stop staring into your eyes.
Your messy hair falling in waves down your shoulders is one of my favorite sights to see.
The way I feel with your arms around me is indescribable.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasions our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I love you with all of me.
I swear to protect you, you're safe with me.
You will never go through the suffering and heartbreak you did before.
I will never hurt you.
I won't leave your side until you no longer need me.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
Though it all sums up in three tiny words.
I Love You.

A group of teenagers piled together.
A group of guys and one girl.
The best friends of a lifetime.
They her bothers.
She their sister.
They are each others family.
A group of teenagers piled together.
Six people, one couch.
Laps being sat upon.
Voices intermingling.
Laughs being shared.
Arms around one another.
Smiling in all the pictures.
Happy for a single moment just because they're all together.
All their anger,
All their sadness of the world.
Hidden in the background.
Distracted by the help of friends.
The care they have for one another.
The feeling of home.
The feeling of belonging.
The feeling of family they hold in each other.
A group of teenagers piled together.
Six people, one car.
Crowed in.
Practically on top of the other.
Singing at the top of their lungs.
Dancing in the little room they have.
Windows down with the wind pouring in.
Driving with no destination in mind.

A group of teenagers piled together.
Four people, sitting in a room.
Voices still intermingling.
Laughs still being shared.
Yet something is missing.
*Something that nobody is saying.

There I was sitting with the world below me. The never ending sunny blue sky that becomes filled with stormy grey clouds, rests just at my fingertips. If I decide to stay and wait just a few more hours it will turn into the darkest color the world knows. The deepest sea with bits of the brightest light shining through. I walk across the roof with what feels like the entire world below me. Like one jump down could end it all. One small step and my misery would be over. But I could never even comprehend doing something like that, not in a place like this. A place where the trees, trees so full of life are right in front of my eyes. It’s as though everything meaningful in life is at my fingertips. The wind is so strong today it feels as though, one wrong step, at the wrong moment and I won’t have to end it myself. I’ll just be knocked off of this heightened paradise.

Will this pain ever end.
Will my tears ever deminish.
Will my anger ever subside.
Or is this forever going to be my state.
I struggle even being attracted to people nowadays.
I don't see how I'm ever going to stop wishing for you.
Most days I just wish I could forget you.
That I'll get amnesia...
And forget about all I've gone through the past few years.
That would be so much easier.
Then living in a constant state of pain...

Ruby red lips.
Tear soaked cheeks.
Makeup smeared eyes.
Messy hair curtaining down.

No new reasons.
Just a broken heart that has never healed.
No new problem to be added to the list.
Just a list of problems that has yet been solved.
Breaks unable to mend.

I'm drowning in my own self loathing.
Dying in hatred.
Hatred of all my choices.
Including the choices I make to cope.

With my ruby red lips.
Tear soaked cheeks.
Makeup smeared eyes.
Messy hair curtaining down.

The wish of a bottle pressed to my lips.
The wish of a blade pressed to my skin.
The wish of a cigarette in my hand.
The wish of a pill resting on my tongue.
The wish to forget what it is I'm doing.

What I have done.
****...
What have I done?

I stay up all night.
Just wide awake.
And even though I barely slept last night.
Or the nights before.
I still can't sleep even if I tried.
I can't go to sleep without you by my side.
I can't go to sleep without hearing your voice.
I can't go to sleep without atleast saying goodnight and that I love you.
And since I can't sleep.
I stay awake all night long.
I stay awake until exhaustion takes over.
I stay awake until I'm so tired, it feels as though you're there.