Devastating times rise from the ashes of the happiest of occasions.

You make me feel like I'm a little kid on a swing set.
The higher I get the more invincible I become.
The longer I swing the more at peace I feel.
You make me feel like I'm flying through the air.
Being in love with you is like being on a swing set.

Everyone searches for perfection.
The perfect guy.
The perfect girl.
The perfect outfit or haircut.
To be perfect.
To look perfect.
We all want it and seek for it desperately.
I'm one who never believed perfection existed.
All I see in the world is flaws.
I search for beauty and am always left with everything but.
I look at a random face and see every negative feature instead of the positive.
I guess you could say I'm a pessimist to the extreme.
Or atleast I was.
I've recently learned perfection is hidden within every moment.
Because I'll look at you and I know you're perfection.
Not because you look like the perfect human.
Not because you have the most perfect traits one could have.
You're perfect because...
Every flaw.
Every imperfection.
Every positive.
Every beautiful feature you have.
Is everything I want.
When I look at you, I smile and in that moment life is perfect.

I love you.
That scares the hell out of me.
In some ways I've never loved anyone more.
The love I have for you feels simple and perfect.
It comes with no effort.
Almost as if it has always been there.
As if apart of me has always loved you.
It comes without thought.
The way I feel for you is unexplainable.
Why I feel this way is unexplainable.
It's almost as if I'm supposed to be loving you.
Everything with you just comes so naturally.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared my medical problems will become too much.
I'm scared my depression or anxiety will become an inconvenience.
I'm scared that you'll wake up one day and find the fact that I never shut up annoying.
I'm scared that the distance will make you feel as if I'm not worth it.
I opened myself up to you in a way I didn't think I was capable of anymore.
I let you in with no option of turning around and hiding.
I don't know why I did.
I never let my guard down without a fight.
Never allow others to know how deep my inner demons lie.
I'm scared beyond understanding of losing you one day.
I've lost so many others because they weren't able to withstand my constant battles.
To lose you would be destroying.
Most of all I'm scared because I still struggle accepting that you love me enough that I have no need to fear anymore.
Especially since fear comes so naturally.

I've struck an epiphany.
One I'm sure countless others have had before me.
One I'm sure has been realized so many times it's begun to lose its significance.
Yet here I am.
Lying awake with an obvious realization.
I have struggled with happiness for so long.
Struggled to have the capability to hold on to it.
Happiness has always been fleeting.
I grasp ahold and long to keep it.
However, I never seem to be able to.
I finally accepted last summer that I deserve happiness though still I struggle believing that.
When I fill my hours with others.
People to keep me away from myself.
I begin to feel as if I'm on cloud 9.
Everything in life seems to shift into place.
It always ends though.
I've never managed to hold on for longer than a few weeks at a time.
As if I'm in a constant never ending loop.
Now I realize for the first time why it ends.
I can't manage to be alone with myself.
You can only cover your days with people for so long before you end up alone for a night.
I can't stand being alone with myself.
No matter other people's opinions of me.
No matter how many people see me in a positive or amazing view.
I disgust myself.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't seem to find happiness in being alone with myself.
Not while I despise who I am.
Until I can find happiness sitting alone.
Until I can discover the good in me.
My happiness will always be fleeting.