Sometimes it feels like reality is eons away.
In those moments.
I just need somebody to grab my hand and pull me back down to earth.
Be my life line to the rest of humanity.

Here I am.
Back in this town.
Back in this bed.
Laying in a room with glow in the dark stars scattered on the walls.
Here I am.
With one of my best friends asleep in my bed and drunk.
Here I am on the phone with my other best friend.
As she throws up from anxiety.
Scared to death because the boy she loves got busted.
Here I am.
With the guy I like just down the street with the girl he likes laying next to him.
Here I am.
Too stressed to think of sleep.
Wishing desperately I had more than two cigarettes left.
Laying with no excitement for the sun to come up and the next day to begin.
I should have known better than to visit home.
This town is nothing more than a black hole of drugs, heartbreak, and destruction.
Here I am.
I worked so hard to let go of who I am in this place.
I thought one week would be safe.
Here I am.
Slipping back into old habits.
Watching my life slip back into old habits.
Simply because I'm back in this town.
Back in this room.
Back in this bed.
Here I am.
Wishing I was anywhere else.

There's a 50/50 chance here my dear.
Shall we stay.
Or shall I go.
I'm fighting an un-winnable war.
Fighting to win.
For so long there has been a weight on my soul.
You lifted it off of me.
Allowed me to see who I truly am.
Now here we are with the stars up above.
Though that weight had fallen back down.
Choosing you as its newest victim.
I'm fighting a war against the darkness that once devoured me.
A battle I've never been able to beat.
The stakes are higher this time.
However I know I can't bring you out of the darkness.
I'm struggling to remember who you are underneath.
It's time I find another place love.
To disappear and never leave a trace.
Go anywhere I want.
I'll never be able to fight the army surrounding you.
I've lost my chance to love who you truly are.

And in her final hours the stars showed themselves brighter than ever before. Lightening streaked through a perfectly clear sky. The wind swayed through every single leaf in eye sight. Before she took one last swig from her drink then laid down for the last time.

There is such a question that appears even in the most Atheist mind.
Is there anything to expect after death?
Does your mind and soul disappear into the ground with you?
Or do you ascend into a higher realm of clouds and fairy dust?
A place where you can watch the ones you love from above.
Perhaps the afterlife consists of us walking the world observing life in the shadows.
Then maybe death involves the worst fate we can imagine,
Living in the firery depths of hell.
So here I sit pondering.
If I were to die, where would I go?
Would I be forced to see my loved ones mourn...
Would I never feel anything again?
These are the questions that sit between me and suicide.

Why do the worst emotions hit at the most inconvient times.
Why do words never stop them selves from being spoken before the damage has been done.
Why do I begin to do good.
Be happy.
Be healthy.
All to have it disappear.
All to end up laying here feeling this way.
Alone and empty.
On the verge of tears with anger building inside my soul.
Why do I never learn my lesson.
Making the same mistakes time and time again.
However I never expect different results.
I know the outcome.
I know how it will end yet I continue to proceed.
I'm self destructive.
An exploding bomb just waiting to go off again.
Why must I do this.
Why must I feel this way.
Why do I live this life.
I wish I could change my past.
Change that which has traumatized me into allowing myself to be this person.
I wish I could live peacefully with myself for more than a month or two.
Live peacefully without some old problem reappearing and crushing me again.
Why do I never get over my past.
Never get over the trauma.
I have never been strong enough for that.
Strong enough to let go.
To stop myself from crashing again.
Why do I live this way still.
It's lasted too long.

Reoccurring emotions.
Every few months I experience reoccurring emotions.
I have a new life.
New battles to face.
However, every few months it occurs.
The same fights with my mom.
The same conversations about it with my sister.
The same feeling of abandonment from my friends.
The same crushing feeling of missing someone who lives 1,000 miles away.
In the months inbetween everything is different.
I believe the pattern will not occur once more.
How could it?
Nothing in my life is the same as before.
Then it happens.
It becomes time to battle the reoccurring emotions.