I'm sorry but I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Having emotions again...
Opening myself back up to those around me.
It's too hard.
It's too painful.
I'm not use to everyday emotions.
Getting sad, angry, or stressed over the small things.
I can't handle it.
I want to go back.
Back to suppressing it all.
Being emotionless and cold.
Distant from those I love.
It was easier.
Miserable but easier.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying but I want to give up.
If you notice me disappear again.
Start talking less...
Well I'm sorry.
I tried for you.
I guess you were wrong though, I'm not strong enough.

I can feel the darkness returning.
I can feel it spreading through my entire body.
Overcoming my mind.
Just as everything started to ease.
Life was becoming good.
The darkness has once again decided to reappear.
I can feel my heart hardening.
My mind becoming angry and bitter.
Closed off to those around me.
I'm losing my desire to get out of bed.
To try.
The depression is returning.
As it always must.

As cliche and over used as it may be,
All things happen for a reason.
Bad, Heartbreaking moments that make it feel as though the world has shattered beneath your feet.
However, these painful moments appear with a purpose.
They appear with something in store for us on the other side.
We are needed to do something,
To come across a discovery,
Or to become someone new.
A journey that could not have previously occurred.
So you may be in pain.
The tears may flow to the point you think they will never end.
But I know you are strong.
I know you're about to go down a beautiful path.

I remember the way it felt.
The way it felt to be set on fire.
One simple look...
One simple touch from you and it was as though I could see the flames coursing over my body.
The electricity running through my veins.
You ignited me in the most beautiful way.
You made that spark reappear in my eyes.
You reminded me how it felt to be alive.

It is hard for me to fathom how everyone around you can spend months begging you to talk about your feelings.
How they can make you believe it's okay.
They make you think they want to hear.
Want to know.
That it's okay to break down to them.
It's hard for me to fathom how they can say all these things to you, trying to get you to break down your walls.
However the second you do they're no where in sight.
All of these people are no where in sight.
You message them pouring out your heart because they said they will be there.
Then spend hours waiting for a response they never seem to send.
It makes it so you stop speaking to everyone again.
It makes it so you don't even want to have surface level conversations with them.
You trusted they will be there.
They promised.
It's hard for me to fathom what changed in the time it took for you to open up.
What caused them to stop caring.

While I'm stuck here.
The beautiful, depressed, island girl.
Who thinks of nothing but you and the way it sounds every time you would say that nickname you gave me.
Wishing desperately to be back in your arms.
Wishing desperately we could be driving around blaring Green Day.
Wishing desperately to go swimming fully dressed, in the ocean, after you pick me up from work.
Wishing desperately to be walking around The Strand holding your hand as I stop constantly, and you wait patiently, for me to finish taking yet another photo on my camera.
Wishing desperately...

And even through the most stressful days I have finally learned the ability to smile and laugh as though I'm in love with every sight I see.