Today I said goodbye.
I took my last pictures.
I blew a kiss of farewell to the bittersweet memories that this room,
that this house holds.

What is it that they say?
Faith, trust, and pixie dust is all you need to fly away.
All you need is to believe.
Did they ever wonder what about those kids who never trust.
Whose ability to have faith is diminished.
The kids who can't believe in anything anymore.
Did they ever wonder how they were supposed to fly?
How they are supposed to escape to such a magical place as Neverland?

And just like that the emotions swarm.
The anger piles up.
Tears falling down my face like a rain storm.
Shallow breathing.
In so much pain I feel as though numb.
What am I suppose to do?
What am I suppose to feel?
Will my misery ever diminish?
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
This constant cycle of never ending downs and very few ups.

Can you picture it.
How your life was this time last year.
Now think of your life now.
Would you have ever expected it to become this way.
Turn into what it is now.
If somebody had come and told you that this is how your life would develop.
Would you believe them?
Would you have called them insane?
I know I would have.
My life has become the exact opposite of what I'd expect.
It's extraordinary how life changes.

My heart thumps in my chest overloaded with adrenaline.
As a new found adventure begins.
The same story being told.
Yet, a different chapter being written.
Who knows how it will end.
However...
Isn't that the exciting part?

I think it's time to admit some things.

It's time to confess that I don't think I'm beautiful.
Beauty is not just physical.
It's about the mind and soul as well.
I've been told I'm attractive enough to confess it as true.
Yet, beauty I do not see.
I find myself disgusting.
Nobody beautiful could have ever done the things I have.
Could have lost the love of their life.

It's time to confess my sleepless nights are caused by him.
I can't sleep without somebody next to me.
Without pretending that he is holding me as he snores relentlessly.

It's time to confess I've started drinking again.
More like a lot of drinking again.
The alcoholic side of me is raging back out.
Because I can't handle my life.
I prefer the dulled version that burning drink creates.

It's time to confess I do feel emotions.
I feel so much that I am numb.
That I feel like I'm dying I'm so overwhelmed.
Yet it's not your average emotions I feel.

It's time to confess I don't feel affection.
I know I love my friends.
I know I love my family.
But it feels like a fabricated lie when I say it or even think it.
All I feel is pain.
Crushing.
Killing.
Pain.

It's time to confess that he is the only person I can say I love and believe it.

It's time to confess I have no desire for anyone because they're not him.
It's been months and nobody compares.
He is apart of me.
Everyone says I could have better.
Granted couldn't we all?
It's not about having the smartest, richest, hottest, sweetest guy.
It's about having the one who makes your heart melt.
The one who could never break you.

It's time to confess that I don't want to move on.
I have hope he will come back.
He will be him again.
Even if that won't be with me...
I just hope it will.

I confess I'm suffocating without him.
The pain is too much to bear.
I'm losing my ****.  

I confess that I lie to much to my family.
About partying and other not allowed things.
Hide to much from my friends.
Because I'm tired of how tired they are that all my problems revolve back to him.
Though I can't blame them.

I confess I'm still heartbroken over my baby.
And I hate my mom for cheating and divorcing my dad for a guy I only pretend to like.

I confess that I live every moment in the past.
Use my friends as a way to dull the pain I constantly feel.
Use them so I almost feel okay.
Yet I'm still even then stuck.
Being heartbroken by the good memories.
Feeling sick from the bad.

So there you have it.
My confessions of the day.

In the vibrant shine of my eyes.
I can see all the hope of my future.
All the passion I hold for art.
I can also see how lifeless they are.
How much they lack emotion, happiness, and love.