My bestfriend wanted to **** himself last night.
Drunk as **** he called me.  
Crying his eyes out as he rants.
Talking about wanting to die.
Begging I pleaded for him not to.
Yet he had no care for what I said.
Telling me he wanted to feel what it was like to cut.
Leaving his phone to go find a razor.
I ran the five minute walk to his house.
Rushing in, he throws the blade in shock.
Then fights me as I try to keep him from going and finding it.
Fights me as I try to stop him from getting another one.
Crying I beg him to stop cutting.
Beg him to stop as he slits his wrists open infront of me.
It was as though he had no care for me.
As though I was some stranger standing in his way of happiness.
He was a different person entirely.
Calling the only mom I trust.
She rushes over and we force him to get up and leave.
We were able to stop him.
Get him to talk.
Yet.
He is still so distance.
So different.
I'm scared to death...
Scared that I'm on the verge of losing my bestfriend.
The guy who got me sober.
Who has stopped me from cutting and more, countless times.
I can't survive without him.
I can't help but pray with everything in me.
That he will be okay.
That he will make it through.
I love him too much to lose him.
He's my bestfriend.
I'm scared to leave him alone.
I'm scared to overcrowd him.
I just want him safe.
I don't know how to feel about all of this.
I'm scared out of my mind.

Some days I wish I was normal.
That I wasn't plagued with all these problems.
The depression.
The anxiety.
The addiction.
Not to mention the physical disorders.
Somedays I wish I felt whole.
That I had the ability to feel love again.
Feel true emotions at all.
I feel almost good somedays.
I feel anger occasionally.
Normally it's just a crushing feeling of dread.
I wish I was normal.
Maybe then I wouldn't have made all those bad choices.
Wouldn't be as rebellious as I am.
Maybe then I would still have all the things I've ended up losing.
But then...
I have to remind myself that if I was any form of normal...
I wouldn't have all of the things I do.
I wouldn't have been able to make my favorite memories.
I wouldn't have the friends that I adore.
The wisdom my life has created.
I wouldn't be me.
I may not be normal.
I may not feel whole.
But I am, who I am.
I think it's finally time to embrace it.
Finally time to start learning to love myself again.

Take me back to the old days.
The days of eight people squeezing into one booth.
The days of random free food.
The days of pilling people into a car and blaring music.
Having silently parties while my parents were asleep.
Random night walks.
Random night drives.
Unplanned trips to the mall.
Spending hours just sitting in a room.
All of us pilled in to one apartment.
Getting the text from mom telling us she's making dinner and everyone comes running.
Take me back to the old days.
I miss it.

You inform me that cigarettes will **** me.
They'll destroy my lungs.
Give me cancer.
That each cigarette shortens my life.
That with each drag I'm killing myself.
That it's not healthy.
Yet.
Don't you think I know all of this too.
You're definitely not the first to inform me either.
So don't you think that I don't care.
I don't care if it kills me.
Maybe I want to die.
Maybe I hope it kills me.
Because....
I would never end my life myself.
I couldn't.
I could never put my family through that.
So yes I know this next drag will shorten my life.
This next cigarette could collapse my lungs.
But I welcome it.
I wish it.
I can't stand living here.
So please.
Let me smoke this pack in peace.
I can't wait for the consequences to occur already.

It happened again last night.
I was outside.
The stars searing through the sky.
On the verge of tears.
Missing him.
Wishing for my baby.
The family I almost possessed.
On the verge of tears.
Thoughts pounding through my head.
Getting lower and lower by the second.
Until it happened.
A shooting star spread through the sky.
Just like that one time before.
Telling me that it will all be okay.
To smile and wish.
Not fall apart in the past.

There you are.
Hundreds of miles away from me.
Yet when I hear your voice through my phone.
It feels as you are right next to me.
I think of you laying next to me.
Holding me as I sleep.
And I can feel every curve of you against me as though you are really there.
Oh how I love our midnight talks.
Confessing every detail of ourselves.
Telling things no one else knows.
And though I love it.
I would do anything for you to really be here.
I don't know how to live without you next to me.
You are my everything.
My other half.
My wish upon a shooting star.
You are the dream non compare to.
If only I could see you.
Hug you for one moment.
I know my world would be okay.
I know my smile would finally shine.
I can't wait to see you.
Finally be able to hold you.
And kiss that smile I love so much.
Be able to look into the eyes that hypnotize me.
Oh how I miss you.
How I love you.
I can't wait till I can finally see you.
It's so close to the time.
We're months away.
Weeks away.
Days away.
Moments away.
And now we're here.
With you sitting next to me.

I don't often write happy poetry.
I'm not one for sunshine,
And rainbows.
My poetry is normally full of sorrow, anger, and heartbreak.
Yet.
My life has become overrun with joy.
The past few days have been extraordinary.
I haven't smiled so brightly in what feels like lifetimes.
I haven't truly experienced laughter in months.
I'm home.
I'm back in the arms of my family.
So here is my happy poem.
Enjoy it.
They are very rare.
I'm home.
I finally feel more than okay.
Depression and anxiety being pushed away.
Because I'm laying here with my friends.
With my family.