I get to town and immediately go to your place.
I text you that I'm there.
I walk to your front door and it's locked.
Which is odd... Cause it's never locked.
I knock and hear laughter inside.
I wait and nobody answers.
I turn away and text you again.
I hear your voice telling me to turn around.
I look back and there you are.
Standing behind you're balcony railing.
Hand picked flowers in your hand tied together with floss.
I run the few steps over to you.
I smile and we kiss.
Our first kiss.
No awkwardness to it.
Just perfection.
We laugh, and smile, and keep kissing.
Until finally after a few minutes stop.
Realizing we have to go back inside.
You hand me the flowers and we walk to your door.
Our friends,
The ones I heard laughing,
Are waiting for us inside.


*It was the perfect day.
With the perfect boy.
A day I wish had never ended.
A memory I always find myself replaying.
Even now, almost a year later.
Even now, when him and I don't even talk.

It feels as though my throat closes.
My lungs get stripped of all air.
My stomach gets twisted into a giant knot.
My heart gets crushed into oblivion.
Everytime one of our friends posts a picture of you.
Seeing you in person,
Is somehow even worse.
It feels as though you...
As though this pain...
Is slowly but surely killing me.

I act as though I'm okay.
That I'm okay with my life even though I lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time.
Go on walks till midnight.
Do everything I can to disappear.
I tell everyone I'm okay with what's going on even though I hate it.
Just because I don't want to start more fights.
I hate my life.
I'm miserable.
I just want to go back to Indiana.
I can't stand living here.
But I don't want to cause more problems.
I don't know what to do.
I just...
I don't know what to do.
I love my mother.
But I can't stand living here.

I get through my day with lying smiles and fake laughter.
I get up everyday and dress like everything is okay.
I've gotten so good at pretending....
Nobody ever knows that I'm shattered inside.
That way I don't have to explain to people why I'm not okay.
Truthfully I'm more than not okay.
I'm dead inside.
The only reason I'm still physically alive...
Is so I don't cause this much pain to those I care for.
Which is more pain than most people can handle.
I live a loveless life.
I don't know how to love anymore.
I can say the words...
But the emotion just isn't there.
It's a horrible life to live.
I feel as though I am nothing.
Mentally I'm crying and screaming.
On the outside I'm smiling.
Wishing somebody would see my internal tears.
That way they could hold me close and pull me away from the darkness.
The way he did all those lifetimes ago.

Nothing in my life quite compares to that feeling.
That sinking feeling inside myself.

This feeling exists because it is a vacuum...
Something from deep inside myself was removed and all thats left
Is this gaping hole ******* me into darkness.
Never was I okay with hurting you
or upsetting you
Cept now I crushed the dream you held onto dearest

Now I cant breathe
I cant think
I cant feel anything else
I feel dead inside truly and cannot bring myself to do any right

What are families now a days?
Are they full of love?
Yes
Are they full of dysfunction?
Even more so
Fights?
Constantly
You love them.
You hate them.
You need them.
You can't stand to be near them.
They keep you sane.
While driving you even more crazy.
But what are families?
Well...
They're simply that.
They're the ones you didn't chose.
They're the ones who never disappear from your life.
No matter how amazing or horrible they are.
They're always apart of you.