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Beth Decisions Apr 2015
For over a year now you've been my life line.
I stayed alive because of you.
You always told me that if I die, you die.
So I stayed alive.
Simply because I could never hurt you.
Though Sunday it became clear that you're done with me.
Don't want anything to do with me.
Which meant if I died.
You wouldn't.
I didn't have something stopping me anymore.
I hate myself more than I can even explain.
So I got drunk and tried to **** myself.
I gave up over 16months of sobriety because I thought I was going to be dead by the end of the day.
I wanted to die.
I was going to die.
But yet...
I'm still alive.
I gave up 16 months of sobriety and I'm still alive.
I sicken myself.
And I still just want to die.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
I was so close to not being inlove with you.
I was falling out of love.
But then for some reason...
We got close again.
And I couldn't help it.
I fell back in love with you.
Just as much as I had before.
If not even more...
Though now you practically hate me.
So I'm stuck having to force myself back out of love.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
I can't stop listing pro's and con's.
Positives and Negatives of death.
Con...
It will break your parents hearts.
Pro...
You won't keep disappointing everyone you love.
Con...
It will **** your friends.
Pro...
You won't have to be constantly remembering the lost of your baby.
Con...
Your beautiful little cousins.
Pro...
You won't have to constantly be around the person you hate the most... Yourself.
Con...
Your bestfriend
Con...
Everyone who believes in you.
Pro
I wont have to spend my life disabled by my illnesses
Con
Giving up a future
Pro
I won't have to remember all the pain of losing you.
Con...
The possibility of it hurting you to lose me.

All I can do is list pros and cons.
I want to be dead.
Just gone.
Disappear from myself and all my emotions.
Never exist again.
I just don't know if I can do that to my family, to my friends.
If I can break their hearts...
Just to escape mine.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
There I was sitting with the world below me. The never ending sunny blue sky that becomes filled with stormy grey clouds, rests just at my fingertips. If I decide to stay and wait just a few more hours it will turn into the darkest color the world knows. The deepest sea with bits of the brightest light shining through. I walk across the roof with what feels like the entire world below me. Like one jump down could end it all. One small step and my misery would be over. But I could never even comprehend doing something like that, not in a place like this. A place where the trees, trees so full of life are right in front of my eyes. It’s as though everything meaningful in life is at my fingertips. The wind is so strong today it feels as though, one wrong step, at the wrong moment and I won’t have to end it myself. I’ll just be knocked off of this heightened paradise.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
Yesterday I took a picture.
This morning I printed it out.
Today I spent the day writing.
I took one look at this picture.
And now I have the first chapter of a book written.
I wasn't intending to start a new book.
It's a funny thing what inspiration can do.
What just one small, simple, everyday thing can do.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
I saw a shooting star tonight and I'm thinking of you my precious baby.
R.I.P. January 15, 2015
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
Hush my sweet love.
Come lay here in my arms.
I'll protect you from all harm.
Protect you from your nightmares.
I'll keep you whole,
Never let you break.
Never let anyone harm you or your precious heart.
So come lay by my side.
I'll kiss you real quick.
We can spend the rest of the night sleeping in safety.
Keeping you safe from all harming thoughts.
I'll protect you from the world.
Even including yourself.
Here by my side you'll always be safe.
So close your eyes.
Quiet your mind.
Let me hold you.
Protect you from your demons.
It's safe here in my loving arms.
You're safe here by my side.
Written April 18, 2015
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