Moving on hurts worse than the heartbreak itself.
Though it's still the friendship that I miss the most.

I've never been happier than the moment that I met him.
I remember it perfectly.
Every single emotion that was coursing through me.
I remember how nervous and jittery I was to finally see him in person.
And then how just completely happy I was once it occurred.
Knowing that I was now able to reach out and touch him.
That I could lay next to him.
Being able to see and hear his laughter in person.
Such simple things...
Things that people take for granted.
But things that make me happier than any other.
I don't know how long it took me to fall in love.
Or what it took for me to fall in love.
All I know is that I have been in love with him for longer than I've ever realized.
We started out as best friends.
But every night I would stay up on face time with him.
I would stay up just so he had somebody there through all of his nightmares.
So he knew that he had somebody who cared.
So he knew that I loved him even though I wouldn't say it.

I don't know how to write about what broke me.
And no, losing him wasn't it.
That part of my heartache is simple to write about.
It's nothing compared to the other.
I had a miscarriage...
And no I didn't want a kid.
But I would rather have triplets than the feeling of losing it engraved in my head.
I felt it happen.
I felt my body giving up on the life it was creating.
I felt all the life in it drain away.
I felt it dying.
And there was nothing I could do but lay there.
As the life from it drained away, the life in me did also.
I can't let go of how it felt to feel something I was creating....
Give up hope.
I've never been in more pain.
It has crippled me.
But yes...
Not having him to hold my hand.
Not having him to support me...
Has made it so much harder.
But truthfully...
I'd be fine if I had never had to feel that.

The past year I have written poem after poem of how close I was to breaking.
To falling apart.
To dying inside.
And now that it happened.
I wish somebody had taken my warnings seriously.
A person can only take so much before cracking.
And I didn't just crack....
I shattered into thousands of pieces

I can literally play every single memory from our friendship through my mind.

I miss you so much!

I can't stop crying from how much it hurts to let all of this go.

You're my bestfriend! I miss your laughter mixing with mine.

But I know you want the goodbye...

I stay up all night.
Just wide awake.
And even though I barely slept last night.
Or the nights before.
I still can't sleep even if I tried.
I can't go to sleep without you by my side.
I can't go to sleep without hearing your voice.
I can't go to sleep without atleast saying goodnight and that I love you.
And since I can't sleep.
I stay awake all night long.
I stay awake until exhaustion takes over.
I stay awake until I'm so tired, it feels as though you're there.

You weren't just my boyfriend.
You weren't just my lover.
You were my bestfriend.
Through the hardest year of my life,
You stayed by me and held my hand.
And now.....
You're done with me.
On top of everything else going on.
I lost you.
My bestfriend.
And that's killing me so deeply inside