why dose it always feel like swimming upstream with you,
always screaming
always pain
always fighting

Every moment a monumental struggle.
I never new such a current could exist
in places so shallow.
I used to imagine you as an entire ocean,
a force to be reckoned with.
now when I think of you
I remember feeling so hallow
I imagine stale mud water
warmed in august summer heat.

mothers are sappossed to love daughters
Thats what everyone seems to think.

not stay up late thinking of new creative ways
to make her fall to her knees
and weep.

I have to keep reminding myself
to stay concerned with more important things
I have to never allow myself to concentrate on the sting
words you selected to cut to deep

I have to force your rejection from my thoughts
before they fester, I can't think lesser of myself,
I can't dwell on what you think of me.
this infection
can't be cleansed by the likes of you
for now the salt in my tears will have to do.

I don't know how to bother with this anymore,
I wont bother you,
I only wish i knew how to not be my mothers daughter.
I only wish I could undo every night of missing you.
I only wish I was strong enough
to love myself so even you
couldn't leave me this hallow
make me feel so shallow.
I will never act
I will not fallow
people will never think
I'm my mothers daughter.

You said I was so sad because I didn't love myself,
that if I weren't so
pathetically
unthinkably,
unconsolably,
sad
I would find myself with a friend or two.
I think you believed it
I think you thought it over and over in your head..
blaming
angry
accusatory
repetitively
carving out space for it behind your eyes
so you would never wonder
If my despair was not self inflicted…...
that perhaps I was crying because I loved myself
as I loved you,
and her
and all of them,’
and I thought I knew you
and her
and all of them
as well as I knew myself
And then she changed,
you changed like all of them
and when the curtain fell I was

pathetically
unthinkably,
unconsolably,
hurt , alone,
and still in love with myself
and wondering why I was not good enough for anyone anymore.
good enough to be in their presence
to be in their hearts;
to be carved behind their eyes.
I cry because after all that you
pathetically,
unthinkably,
unforgivably,
blamed me.
Angrily
assaulted and
accused me of existing
as less than
And reminded me
daily
I was alone.

Maybe I’m not sad because I don’t know myself.
I am sad because you don’t
I am not sad because I don’t know who I am.
I am sad because for you it was not enough.
I am not sad because I am lost,
I am sad because I no longer have a place to call home.
the only time I am disappointed in myself
Is when I allow myself to admit
That I miss you.

In astrology I learned
We are all born of stardust
They die, combust and that carbon
Is the same carbon in us.
Everything belongs to everything
I think as
My fingers lightly trace
An Ink star siting
On your dark skin.
I want to fall into you
I bet you could pull me in
And set me on fire and
Bring me to life again,
Perhaps in your laugh I will find
The origin of life,
Or perhaps some sense
of purpose for mine.
My thoughts trace your star,
I catch the light in your eyes
When I’m surrounded by you
It seems perfectly right
That I be lifted set on fire
Under cover of night
So ******* high
Because we were born
Of stars
And I am so much bolder ,
So much brighter,
So much calmer
when your lights close to mine.
You turn and the star on your shoulder
Escapes under mundane every day
Fabric, not of time and space,
Of cotton
And your just the person I’m wanting
You see me noticing you
And all I can think to do
Is reach out and touch it.

It’s a deep blue, with ties and lace,
Silky smooth, it reminds me of a reflection of the moon.
It looks like anticipation,
It tastes like wanting and yearning,
It looks like the water that starts the fire.
That starts your desires burning,
Clothing marked by lust and worn in trust.
I wish  I could see your face when I slipped into it,
Or when I slipped out of it,
If I could get you alone,
would you moan?
And then my heart stops and the tears flow
And I remember..
that its just sitting a crumpled mess on my floor
Sitting a reflection of my own cold distance,
His cold indifrance
And I am here I’m alone
And not for lack of wanting
someone here to show.

I miss your supple kiss and warm cuddles
And the simple bliss , of pressing my cold toes,
Against your hot calf, I couldn’t lie I miss that.
I don’t miss your blind rage or the pain you
Portrayed while doing small things,
I don’t miss all the things you’d say strange
Beguiled and out of place loud and rough and in your face.
I do miss the gentle way you’d trace my face,
The softest breath when you said my name.
I do miss who you were, sincere, genuine.
I do not miss who you became.
I don’t dear you just weren't the same.

dear mother, protector, teacher, communicator, bridge to my self empowerment, to my confidence, my role model and friend. when did you start to hate me? and mother when, when did you start to love me again?

My greatest shame
Is the way I talk to myself,
Admitting that I don’t love me
Half as much as anybody else.
And thinking every day,
How everyone who loves me
Would chose somebody else
On a rainy day, If hard pressed.
And that I’m not worth the effort
Of the ones I love to stay.
And remembering how in love I used to be
With who I had become.
Now I’m facing every day feeling
Like I’m the only one
who has ever come undone,
when the ones they most loved
all turned to run.

There is only forward head down,
Gut wrenched in a twist
Step,
Move ,
Closer,
Eyes cast down I pretend I don’t know her,
Until my eyes transcend this mundane
Headed for the door
Utterly perpetual inevitable encounter,
Walk a bit faster,
Take haste
I swear sometimes
That girl in the reflection
Takes chase.
I hate you she’s murmuring
Fresh wounds burning
Fleeting like
The beat of her
Step,
Step,
Steps
Are reassuring.
And this negative self image
Isn't reoccurring.

I am a thousand words colliding
Entangled in there transcendent meaning
Lost in the tremendousness of symbolism
Creating a breathing being
With a heart beat
Within the cataclysm
On the far side of the gray scale
We are taking great complexity and placing
All of existence into a word.

I must say I am not lost in the irony
That I am
And you are
And that fate paired us together.
You have found God,
Whether your silence expresses my words
Has yet to be deciphered
Whether your transparency is providing
A plain view to the same landscape
As my transparency is foggy
Its your breathing condensing on
The thoughts racing through my mind.
Your darkness brings about my own reflection
I have only a single confession
I don’t know what a single syllable means,
I don’t know anything exactly
But I am prepared to meet myself,
If you can show me.
But I am tidbits of mashed letters
Transcending physical body
And I’m afraid your going to have
To get down to my level and
Actually say
Something.

I used to look outside into the daylight
Look long Into the darkness,
Eyes lapping up silence and noise in
Greedy proportions
Grouping, feeling searching
For something that tasted safe,
That could satiate some plain of my existence
Break me clean of this emotional dissonance
Stand firm under crashing wave of feelings
That lay wait

Turbulating  and churning against the inside of my brain
Ensnared by the fray

After being raked through thoroughly
With razor sharp cynicism
Pulled to pieces by the weight of in differences
No I have pulled at to many threads
Traveled
unraveled and traversed  
Too far into this abyss
To remain un-scattered, unscathed, unchanged

And thats ok

But I taste like
A brokenness so sweet it aches
And
The only place
That tastes safe lies deep between my breaths
And in coffee shaded eyes.
No I cannot say I am the same
Or that i'm
entirely whole
At least now i know
The exact depth of my convictions
The degree of my worth and will and wanting
I can haunt you
With the shadows in my depth i
Can steal your breath
With the wanting my honest azure eyes casts
And at last
With so many parts of me laid to rest
I’m free to test
The eternity you hide in your eyes
Flash glimpse behind soft lips
Masquerade behind truths dressed
As lies
You astound me
And I will spend every day
Chasing new ways to
Taste your kiss.
I will build bliss
Out of my  thankfulness
With strong shaking fingers
Un-clinched
Stitched delicately with your laugh
I will map out our happiness
On your heart with my pin
Emerse you in love letters
In apology notes
In an unending list of the things
I will miss
And love
And break and kiss
I found me
You
Found us
And Never before have I had such trust
This is enough

No.
You will not say you know me.
too much time has passed.
too much transpired.

You were gone when I fell head full
into the abyss,
crash landed
years later where I crawled out from beneath
thoughts heavy enough
to **** myself with.
to heavy to lift
sharp enough
to cut away and **** the parts of me that
where

beyond salvation
.
parts of me to heavy to stand with.

I love you,
I loved you .
Whispered like a lullaby,
draped over wounded thoughts;
screaming wrongness in me.
Echoing goodbyes in me.

The ache of knowing sacrifices must be made,
Ruined by the corrosion
of your unyielding misconceptions
and unreachable expectations.
Numbly I sat cutting away at the bits
of myself we had been beating and breaking down
for years.

red and raw
blue and empty
with trembling fingers
clawing
at all that sat wrong in my reflection,
parts
I thought I needed
but ruined would never stand me up right again
never hold up my chin.

Horrified;
at being so full
of so much nothing.
that I was to tight
to even catch my breath.
Seams bulging
from fingertip to
the ribs in my chest

Every moment agonizing.
Every second impossible.
Over and over
I died.

And still I would  wake ,

cruel  irony

by the thousandth time
I woke weary and cold
I looked upon the carnage
all of me disassembled at my feet,
a fear trembling deep in me ,
a courage to rebuild growing in my bones.
only picking up every bit of persistence I turned to go.

so no you do not know me
you were not there when I escaped from my own dark
to fill myself with slivers silver shifting , bits of an indifferent moon;
you were not there to journey my emptiness to traverse the abyss.
You were not there when I began to fill it.
In your absence I have grown
and still,

I do not know how you will fit here.

I just want my life to feel like my own,
To remember I shine as much as I've shown.
I want to move through my day,
With grace and the biggest smile on my face
Filled with those feelings you used to give me.
When a walk in the rain and Popsicles
Where the building blocks of perfect days
And the sun shone on your wrinkled face
And there wasn't anything you couldn't do,
There was nothing you wouldn't say
To make me smile,
I haven’t felt that way in quite a while.
You have been gone, for so long,
Your memory’s a bit fading like the bathroom tile,
In that old house.
They clear cut the forest where we used to tromp,
Thinking about it makes my heart ache and breathing stop.
And your old glasses still sit on my desk,
One of the lenses popped out.
And I sobbed like I had never cried.
Grandpa I miss your silly face
And all the crazy **** you used to say.
You make me love all the darkness in people,
You were a big white place in hell's highest steeple
And I just want to say
That as time passes and nothing lasts
I still think of you when I want to sink.
And it’s in bits of my past
That I remember who I am and how to smile,
And to say I love you, because it’s been awhile.

I remember when you were the very first I encountered
with tainted innocence,
with blood on your cheek,
it made you seem frightened made you seem
meek,
Sent idealisms against hard cement
split into tiny bits
your light had encountered  dark night
or perhaps a few
and I found an understanding
I had never had in you,
I wanted to show you
I understood the sadness
in your somber eyes,
but your softness always made me smile
and I bathed in your broken edges
In your perfect light;
and yearned for your rough finger tips
I slipped into thoughts you revoked
and I thought I could belong
in your sweetness
I learned you yearned for something
I might not posses and confessed to having broken pieces
I jest at scenarios you thought not best
and I  treasured  you, through
time
through distance
I wanted you
my wanting you persisted
and I’m missing you
I have drown in sorrow and broken hearts,
I’ve given way to false start and lost
Bits of myself along this winding path.
I’m broken and had been choking on the
Words you refused to hear
I’ve floated for a good many years,
And I thought I understood the way the world turned,
Until you took my hand
And all of it went still.
I lost my composure , I found my thrill
And my heart still shutters
The rhythm stutters but still
It utters a single word
It says stay
If it had a sentence I know it’d
Say I  sing  for  you.
And I want nothing more than those
Sad somber eyes, your rough fingertips
And all I can’t say could exist if I were just brave enough
To  press  my  lips  to  your  lips.

Its just that your biting your lip I think,
That makes me sink into the things that you say,
Or the way you seem like you want to reach out
And touch my face; push through all the distance space
And make me smile.
Perhaps our laps in the everyday
Is just the response to loss
And my resistance to the growing distance
Between me and the human race.
Maybe I think it’s just that your biting your lip I think,
And the way your lips frame your teeth
That makes me sink into the things you say.
To bad your sleeping so far away.
when you say things that wreck my thoughts
I know when I hesitate,
you'll watch me biting my lip
And I think we are thinking the same things
And I think that's why your smiling.
It will always be moments like this
I cling to, that keep me safe from crying.

I know the pain of disassembly I know the pain of reincarnation The exhaustion  every building from the bottom to the top searching every bit of your mind in the bottom of your greatest fear to the top of your highest hopes I know the pain So do not hide in the vast forest of your fears I will find you
Do not bury yourself under the weight of your thoughts I will find you I have been there I see you and glimpses of reflective surface dancing upon rapid rivers glistening pools of calm Collected do in the eager hands of the forest floor.
You cannot run further than I have been at least not here even with embarrassment feeling your bones when fitting lengthening your stride you cannot hide here
And you're not alone really wish that or not no motions have a funny way of echoing all the way around you of playing like reflections on the faces

You unravel me pulling at all my loose ends
With that look that snatches every bit of me up
Holds me tight and stops my breathing
Leaving me with my head reeling trying to make sense of
These feelings
While light rolls off me
Much like the streetlights in the dead of night
When I’m walking right out from under
My one hundred and forty pounds of
Scar tissue ,
Heart breaks
Of tears collected,
Of pride swallowed,
Of being filled
Emptied and hallowed.
My one hundred and forty pounds of
Rubble from the walls I've torn down
And built again to stand
At an impressive summit of five foot eight,
A compacted version of all the will I make
And i'm left with only my essence
My sense of presence and a smile playing in my eyes,
Tonight
I’m all mine
I’m all yours,
I’m all open and I’m not scared.
My naked truths all laid bare
I don’t care,
If later I fall to pieces or if I fall together,
I don’t care whether this is just in this moment or
If this last forever.
I feel so perfectly together,
with my senses of self,
With the mirror and my memories
With the things you do and
The words you say in your lovely smile.
I haven’t felt this kind of way
In  far too long a while.

The way you kiss reminds me of how
My lips formed a million times and more
To his.
He changed me.
Your so different but I keep anticipating
Something in me cascading
I get it there is nothing more worth chasing after
Lets face it
I’m stumbling over a bit more than the strange way
Your full lips press
Against mine.
I’m dyeing over time spent
Fighting false panic caught and pinned
By broken bones and scar tissue.
In my head there’s me and my own issues
And the simple fact that I can’t stop looking at you.

The way you smile says enough
and it has taken me this long to see
that I am not afraid of what I am…
Of what I have been
I’m afraid of what I’m being.
My greatest fear is that you will see me
Exactly as I see me.
That after all this you will finally discover the origin of my brokenness
And wonder if I will ever be fixed
Wonder if I’m worth this or worthless,
I need to except I will never be the same
Your kiss makes me wish I could stay
And see the way you see me.
I want to wake up some day and recognize
The girl reflecting in your eyes
And know undoubtedly
That breathless, beautiful, living, breathing
Girl there is me.

Tilting and turning, my perspective slightly shifting.
Questioning what’s happening.
Hating that for a moment I trust your intention
More than
Every bit of myself,
A strange shuffling that sounds
Like a collapse,
I don’t understand deep inside my self,
I clutch my chest,
But I ignore it, eyes low deserting my
Self-respect.
Trying to process feelings from my stomach
In my head.
You lied about listening to the silence,
This one was screaming broken by past violence,
Perhaps that’s why I felt like crying.

We go on like we don’t know,
Like I can’t taste the acidic tension,
Like you were to deaf beyond empty chatter
To hear the shatter,
Of my fragile trust, the slow dyeing of my gentleness.
Pleading with myself to let it go,
To carry on like I shouldn't know.
Wishing it didn't feel like lying to never let it show.
But I was shrinking, and shifting, and hating myself
Because it happened and it was me.
Because it happened and it was you.
Because I was nearly silent,
And it breaks me up, to hear you crying.
*** I only want to bring you higher,
Don’t let yourself become a regret
And I won’t become,
Everything I should have said.

I remember moments I thought would last forever,
Seconds that break my heart
Like it was a thousand years
I remember two days and
To much time between seldom shed tears
That feel like
The entirety of the ocean.
I’m lost to the notion that feeling what needs to be felt is like
Baiting a trap
Slapping a welt
And swallowing salt water
When the days hotter
Than the one before.
I just keep walking fast knowing feelings never last.
They didn't for him.
They didn't for her.
Couldn't say for sure that they ever where.
Then why am I here
Well if I’m honest…
I don’t really know.

Take from me
the memory of her fluttering lashes
and the sound of her startled laughter.

take from me the image
of her widening eyes and
pinched lips  both turning a ****
against the welling tears

take from me my memories
of her so brave against
all sorts of pain and
to real of fears.

take from me
take from me
this hole in my chest
you stole her from.
So I may forgive,
so I may finally forget.
So I may finally rest,
she is gone now,
please take what's left...

I realized today pulling together damp ashes in fistfuls
While attempting to make something destroyed beautiful again
That your the same wicked little kid
Who destroyed every one of my sand castles .
I have wept 1,825  days for you.
My patience and efforts never crystallizing into anything more than dried scabs, nothing like the diamond I was always promised  .
Sometimes I miss the sparkle shimmering in the ocean of your eyes.
I have missed them 43800 hours In approximation ... If numbers could even begin to encompass the depths of the hurt you have afflicted me with.. If numbers could even kiss the surface of this ever expanding sense of abandonment and worthlessness you have inspired within the shallow place within my chest . 2628000 Moments I have repressed a little voice inside my head that spoke in your hushed tones in the only voice I have ever known better then my own, dear sister.  Now I just need your voice to stop echoing like shattered glass in every heartbeat; I just need to retreat and muster the will to retrieve the blade you left lodged between my vertebra so I can finally stand up straight and walk , swiftly in whichever way provides me distance from you. I only pray the blade sustains it's edge to sever this emotional dissonance. I have done the math 10,000 times there  are no reasons left to keep trying. There are no variables that provide a desirable outcome there is no way to even this score.

crushed fragments that shimmer under the fleeting light of day.
each jagged edge framing bits of the same neglected face,
quivering lines refracting  emanating
my brokenness my quaking lips,
the sound that breaks
deep in my chest.
broken mirrors and broken glass

tattered shreds of present
paved by pains of past.
empty beds deep at night
fleeing dreams taking flight

angry angry scared and lost,
feeling used neglected cross,
taking pictures to the flame
wondering how they think my name,

knowing I am not the same
knowing that I never will
watching as you smash the glass
watching as she breaks the mirror
thinking of my brokenness
i'll break it all to make it still.

praying praying every day
waking up still the same
try and try as I might
to hear a voice to find a light

empty echoes in my chest to
care at all is never best.
keep it locked up deep inside
the parts of you you try to hide
the parts that care will tare away

no never listen to words they say
promise promise pinkie swear
i'll never leave i'll always care
crossing fingers in his pocket
he leaves behind one heart shaped locket.

tears tears go away
i'm all cried out
i know the way
no one here is here to stay.
nobody here will think your name
not even once for many days

simply said i'm not enough
I am to weak and lacking luck
to naive at five
at seven at seventeen
to believe in hope until hope dies
until then you'll believe the lies..

Scared: the invaluable opportunity life provides us to be brave.

you want to know the way to get wrapped between these fingers
want me
to lean into you
arching my back
thinking only
to be closer to your breath
lean against your lips
kiss the way you sway in your step
think between your stunning laugh
trying to breath around the way you look at me
at things
at everything
rest up along the way your tongue traces
lace words places
making every thing between us an obstacle
I want your heat
I need your need,
I want the way your eyes gleam
when you're laughing at me
I love the way you resonate
the way you illuminate,
Your gravitational force, so enticing
your presence so enthralling
the vastness of your perspective so
expansive and sprawling
rough and luling
cyclical
you are all encompassing.

I woke up today,
And for the first time I didn't miss your smile,
I didn't cling to my tattered pillow and think
Of my cheek on your rising falling chest.
Never once did I think you’d be my best.
I can’t remember your smell, or the exact texture
Of the fire in your hair.
I can’t remember a lot of things,
And that feels just fine.
I woke up today finally feeling all right,
And free like a fresh start,
With healed scars
Where an entire existence used to be,
To be honest I woke up today,
Feeling lighter, free.
I woke up today to find
My heart belongs to me.

I told myself every idea was *******,
just white noise sloshing in my head,
until I could bury that urge to put pen to paper
knowing
deep down behind the wall of sinew and flesh
pumping oxygen and platelets
deep beneath my skin
I just  hated feeling like this.
I gave up expressing myself,
convinced
of my deaf audience
convinced
that perhaps everything
I did was
worthless,
When I broke my reality
and rose from the ashes fresh glazed
from the fiery kiln of my personal hell
I did not realize I was to experience the most
monumental of my creative acts,
the recreation of myself
in complete solitude.
And perhaps
I'm still a little angry'
and very sad.

That kiss of yours was something,
braver than you have been before,
I'm unsure what’s got me captivated
but that kind of
passion
has an
IMPACT
that sort of thing
l i n  g   e    r      s
it trickles through memories,
runs through grasping fingers
And I will think of it simply because that kiss
felt like it actually
*mattered

I love you,
Like I love the burnt orange on the farthest extremities
Of leaves that fell from the walnut tree
Growing from my memories;
Damp in autumns comforting atmosphere.
The bliss that I experience,
Relearning laughter exploding
from this epicenter
In my chest.
I render every bit of my ability to adore you
From fragments of the things that shined and shone before
I could have said I know you.
You feel like warm sand under my feet,
Like my fathers hand and
Like the best ******* poetry
Slipping out from under my teeth.
Feeling
Like a gust of wind in the pouring rain
Sounding in the soft tones only loved ones have murmured my name
Take it for what its worth, that I have loved before
But not one have I loved more
I admit I love you with every bit that I have
I love you as every soft memory I have ever had.
You are a declaration of self-worth
Spoken to a depreciating world full of angry men and sad girls.
You are the sway in my stride that speaks to self-confidence,
you match every smile I have
With a reason for another,
Every tear I shed fallowed in acknowledging
That” at least we have each other”
So know I love you like the feel of sunlight on my pale skin,
Like moon light shimmering atop dark water,
Like my baby sister’s sprinkling of butterfly kisses
Persistence in the relentless reminders of her admiration,
In every instance of its existing in my memory ,
Lurking within my experience I love you.

I miss you like my bare feet miss
the crunch of fall leaves,
river banks and loose driveway gravel.
I feel like under the weight of your memories
I will come unraveled.
I poses no want for travel
without you to come home to,
home is an empty destination
that place is just your dimming shadow.
Help me,
I see the absence of you everywhere
A shallow echo of the space behind my chest.
There is no rest for the mourning,
and still morning comes to slow.
I just replay old memories like playing in the snow.
Only you know how many mittens never made it home.
Even still you were glad to give them,
and the shoes off your feet,
if it meant you could keep,
a smile on my face.
It is harder every day to think...
You are gone.
Every day feels like more space
between when I was ok
and now.
I fear how hallow tomorrow may be.
there is no light at the end of this tunnel,
I will have to learn to live in the dark,
And remain grateful for
every mark you made
across my heart.

sometimes when i'm angry at the pillow beneath my head, and the ceiling for shifting in
the slow shadows of my room at night,
at the headlights that flash into my bed room window,
at the neighbor who's screams echo
in the cacophony of the outside noise
and the inside static
in the pensive thrumming ****** manic
turning troubled erratic thoughts
more times than not
its overlapping tracks
of your voice saying key phrases,
"disappointed"
"pathetic"
"crazy"
"victimizing"
"lazy"
"­loner"
"with out friends"
"leave"
"angry"
animated by that awful look and
eye roll you always gave me.
desperation lead me to the asinine assumption
that if i was brave enough to bring
your attention on me
you would see that i needed something
i needed anything.
acceptance
an ear,
suport,
an explanation,
a conversation,
a friend,
a few words of encouragement,
to be freed from your damnation,
a bit of patience
mother,
i needed my mother
and you never came for me.
no one ever came for me.
you gave me cruelty all the way to the moment of my liberation
where I was finally granted distance
and silence
but sometimes when I hate my pillow,
it's because
when it's dark,
and it is loud ,
I hear you in every sound
in every echo
I hear you.

The last four years .
They carved open my chest
There momentum creating a great expanse
Where I use to find
Myself.
I lost her.
they
left me to
Delve deeper into every
Miniscule bit of my identity,
Alone ,
My nature
Rest somewhere
Between my two fists
And genetics
Heretics , hypocrites, and empty space.
The last four years
Changed my concept of the word
Mother,
Of the word daughter,
Of Twin and Sister,
Of love and
Grand mother
Changed bridges from a way to affection
To the source of affliction
I woke to find
Connection had turned to
Weakness in my defenses
  In the last four years.
I discovered
Loneliness to degrees I had never imagined
Anxiety  heartache
confusion  at there  fullest capacity
I have never so genuinely questioned my sanity
Or had so many people telling me I was worthless
But I discovered the depths of my tenacity and
That sometimes anger is a necessity  
To process loss.
That  sometimes
You need a sharper edge to cut
At deeper ties…

In the last four years I learned
That under certain circumstances you
Need to cry.
That all things become clearer with time
and even when your
Faith to pray dies
You can have faith in the wait
Knowing everything
Will change.

In the last four years I learned
What it’s worth to be happy with your self
I discovered
That the only thing they can’t take
Is how you respond
And being trapped is an illusion
Created out of the sacrifices
you weren’t quite ready to make.
That taking the time you need only means
you love yourself enough to care
More than they did.
And  that even when you can’t pretend
they didn’t say the things they said,
Even when you can’t comprehend
The origin of such sharp words
You can work towards
Proving them wrong,
By getting up and moving on.
Welcoming genuine affections
As a cure for the infection you
Get in open wounds
You can affirm what you already
Knew
all along
And
After four years
You can look in the mirror
And know you are strong
Resilient, a thousand times patent
A hundred times brilliant.
And a million times brave..
And you can tack that up
On the list of things
They Can
Never
take
away

I will not apologize for a poem
or a mirror or
humanity
I did not cut you open
I just handed you the scalpel
a sharp tool
to open up your mind-
to be used at your discretion

you took it apart word by word
and held it up first
against itself
tracing the rising questions
in your mind about
good
and bad
and
black
and white

so why does it trouble you so
to know
you are also
responsible for your slow
dissection

recollection slow regard
of your own dichotomy
have I mentioned
you are beautiful inside
and out?

even the monster living inside you
is just so comprehensively
human.

I want you to pull me in hard just to kiss me softly and linger in my space. No one else can stop my breath with a single finger hardly brushed against my face. I want the look you give when I press my lips against your cheek.. some hopeful half smile so heartbreaking and beautiful the angle you have me falling is particularly unusual. I believe you'll catch me even though I have no reason to your my life's bright New season and I have been thinking .. about your lips, this sinking... I have been thinking about the tone you take, the words you choose, and the little things that make you you. I have been thinking about how little girls make you melt and the way you hold yourself how you set yourself on fire and look with passion in your eyes. I've been thinking of things I can't put to words but I want anyway. I have been thinking you feel right.

I don’t know if you knew what the words meant
Or how true they were to you
I only know the way I’d shiver when you said my name
When you whispered like you knew
Where I might have been
The ways that I could grow
Begin...

I wish I could capture that sound you made in the back of your throat
whenever you would roll your eyes.
I cry sometimes
when I realize I can't quite comprehend
the rhythm that your laughter held.
I died
the first night I remember you are gone while in my dream
And I suddenly woke
weeping while
thinking I was so thankful to see your face
however fleeting.
thankful and greedy over your words I keep playing in my head,
things you said as easy and true as the air you breathed and held
when I could still reach you.
I still bleed poetry,
I still swim in A good fantasy novel,
I still find you in bits of my reflection,
And loving you was the first step I took
toward loving me.
I find you in the delicate creases of my dog eared
pages your existence persist
further than the reaches of your physical form,
I find you in my patience,
my resilience.
I find you lurking in my essence
when I'm lonely and go searching for you
sometimes
I lay in bed and listen until I can hear you again.
And alone I fall
while knowing all along
remembering you
is worth this.

I'm suffering through my own frustration,
I miss the feel of a physical connection,
The feeling of soft lips lightly pressed,
Of hearing heartbeats and rising breath,
I miss being close to bliss when hands brush
I can’t deny my body yearns to touch
I think of who I am and who you were
And how every day I’m more alone.
How can it be wrong that I want to fall into someone,
Someone who can for at least a moment see me,
Trust me, kiss me, free me.
I just miss being Wanted and felt,
I miss
Being
kissed.

how could you cut ties?
with your sister?
eyes pointed in my direction
inspection disected and
your indignation hanging
alouf in air space between
hasty sideways glances
from those who pass us

Because the idea of who we were outlast us and
i want to have a chance to grasp at things before they pass us
last i checked
words so weighty and sharp had
cut the glass jar around my heart
and spilled the **** thing

because life is not black and white
and the fact that our blood runs red
doesn't mean as much
as you seem to think it did.
I chose what was right for my life,
i didn't think near strangers
got a say.
I have customers to help ,
this is my  work  place
so you have a good day.

I can’t believe you could just let go.
Like we were nothing, like I was nothing.
I can’t believe you would show me a picture of how things could be,
If you didn’t want it and I’m haunted,
By your memory, every time my heart beats I murmur stop it,
And softly my breathing reminds me I’m not enough
I wasn't worth trying for,
And that’s almost as bad as knowing who you where,
And that you think he wasn't worth trying for.
Everything you were, everything you wanted,
It’s nothing now,
We’re nothing now,
You
are nothing now.