***** makes me say the things
I would say if I were brave
***** makes me admit to things
I thought I’d never say
It makes me miss you, makes me frisky
Makes me unafraid so
If I could do anything it would be
Take shots with you
Let things lay and sort them out
With a string of drunken truths
Stay unafraid unlike the every day
And just lie down with you

Feeling dizzy like
I may have took to many shots and thinking
My ideas are better sober
Better when my head is clear and I know
What I shouldn’t say
But I never really know so
Maybe the truth should have its day
Im feeling dizzy and
I’m  praying to a god who doesn’t listen
Who may not even exist
That you might just miss me,
That when I am most afraid all I want's
For you to kiss me.

I got drunk, ecxited thinking
I would be sinking into something
I was to afraid of thinking
Making some progress moving
Through all the feelings looming
Everyday perhaps sheding
Some light
On why my chest gets tight
Instead I just keep thinking
About sneaking in and waking
This perfect handsome man
And sleeping in his arms
Were I want so desperately  to belong
Wondering if he is looking forward to uncovering
Me

But I’m paitiantly waiting to see the
Look on his face
Taste the in the air
Make a move change the pace,
take me
I’m begging, I’m shifting,lifes changing
I’m aiming to change the way things
Have always been
You are the best reason I’ve ever had to hold my breath and jump in.

I wish I could fall open
Like the petals of a rose
And rise up and gush
like a finger pricked
like crimson blood,
You told me with your patience
That I was pretty and we would
Never hate them.
I lied when I told you
I was angry.
I am terrified to be so filled with sorrow
To be drowning day in and out
To fill tomorrow with remembering
With forgetting,
Without mentioning that I love you
And you are gone
And all that’s left are butterflies
And a bunch of songs with fresh meaning
A million tears and
a sense of defeat, raining
Like a giant typhoon
Of not knowing what the **** to do
Without you.

I was waiting for the last chance
For the pressure to build
For the words to explode
For my feelings to spill
To feel the beginning the reeling
I’m heading in
A million directions.
I only wanted something to hold onto when I am
So scared
It’s impaired my breathing
Seething in guilt
Denying self-healing
Someone save me
Someone shake me
Make me believe
in something
It has to be me, but I’m bleeding
Over all the chances I had to say good bye
And I wish I would have been there
To tell you I was proud.
Now I’ll drown
Silently
And I will be remembering you.

Maybe if I paint my lips red
I’ll forget I’m hallow
And maybe if I put on
My favorite skinny jeans
I’ll know what it means to feel
pretty
I’ll remember that
I have tomorrow
And the clinching in my chest
Meant to jest at my own demise
And the way I despise myself
Won’t always show in sad blue water eyes
I can’t hide at the back of the shelf.
I can’t  be stifled by my own sorrow,
Let me borrow your sunshine,
I’ll bring mine tomorrow.

I'm afraid to think
I am only moments from a time,
where the luster in your eyes and
the tilt on your smile
are confined to the degrading
depreciating nature of my mind.
I want to remember you in
all your brilliance,
in all your defiance
in your broken
ragged resilience
I have spent a life time
fallowing
lost notions
misconceptions at the notion that
morality doesn’t come in color,
you are the brightest quilt,
the most colorful humor,
you are a humid summer,
you lovely woman
my father’s mother.
I will hold you tenderly in
my wilting memories.

We meet and I tremble.
Life shifts and I fit
Perfectly aginst your chest.
You said beautiful things
like lets

And I have never heard things
like the things you said,
in your finger tips.

I trip
and I fall to hard
under sharp stars.
Become aware i'm to far under high bars.

So hate me freely
and while i'm broken
I am not needy
needing is for those who think
beyond brething

I feel to far beyond saving,
fingers tremble
life shifting
I'm shaking
praying to empty space
for day to brake

I am faking,
faigning,
saying to much.
Saying nothing not enough,
thinking, thinking thinging

For me to forget ,
for my own sake
that I loved our lust
the magic the star dust.

the smell of musk and
brown eyes
drowned in rememberance
of soft sigh
the lies laced in
each kiss
and unspoken promises

I'm haunted
by falling stars
by falling stars
put out by an ocean of fears

taste of dissapointent
the falling of tears .

I feel like drowning and counting
on stars to drop
wishing on things
that will let me down
like hope
like hoping to drown.

letting my sarrow hold me
in tight grip
untill tomorrow.
the sun is the only star
I should have clung too,
you were the only one
you are every one
I have ever come undone too.

If I were braver I would tell you what I think I know
I would tell you I love you and that
You light up my soul

I Would tell you that it’s true
Even though I know it doesn’t
Make things easy
And the trembling in my scar tissue
Makes me sort of quesy,
Even if you can’t say the same three words to me
And I want it
Or worse yet I’m haunted
That you will…
And I’ll fall to the hallow sound
When your unsure,
I would rather squirm in the silence
Then fall to the pretense
Of a love unreturned.
I think I have learned that love comes in different flavors
And you are all your own.
I love you different than any person
I have ever known.
I’m unsure of how long
This life will let me hold you in my arms
Or if your wit and your charm will be enough
To get us by
But it is no lie when I say
I love you.

I remember being seven and scared,
The ground trembling to the sound of
A smash and the tinkling of broken glass,
My feet bare on the old wood floors,
My heart beats fast as the house sways
My eyes peeled listening to the awful things they say,
Hate resonating in the old bones of this house
I scrabble to the safe corner of my dim room
And papers start to scatter, and my favorite pen hold my
Trembling hand,
And years pass and pages burn ,
I learn to un-hear the awful words I heard.
I buried myself in books and
Sentences, in syllables in a million beautiful words.
I lost stray poems like bits of myself,
I forgot entire chapters of repeated
Life lessons and tried to unlearn
What the hard parts of life teach us.
Escaped to the far reaches, where hopelessness was
Dreadfully close but could never quite reach us.
I would have loved to read,
All the words I spread on empty white sheets,
All the lessons I’d have left for my older me
Stacked in high mountains on those old wood floors,
I would love to explore the lost chapters of myself,
I morn there loss like my childhood identity.
Perhaps every last page
was just one step closer to serenity.

Am I losing my luster ?
I used to shine and pride over words I spilled
I thrilled over each line
Like I had something to do with the way they laid
Delicately over white page, over soft glowing screen
It seems more likely that the words
That rise like high tide beneath my skin
Fall on there own accord and become something more only
After I have come away
Its in our separation, in my
Neglect and abandonment
That others hold, reach handle it and
There is a fine line, I straddle it
Between what the words want
And what I though I’d mean
And the things that you glean reading between
And the prettiest parts of these simple things
Are the ones that you see that far escaped me
Just beyond my intention more an accident then invention.
I just write when the pressure is high
But as any poet or poetess will confess I
Can hardly claim its what I envisioned
As far as pride
These things write themselves
I'm nearly stretching the truth when I claim
I was only here to help.

You are the trembling in my lower stomach
Teeth clinched against my bottom lip
The reason for my slipping focus
The feeling of my heart
Beating so **** hard
Beneath my bouncing *******,
The remembering of how your
Strong arms held me to  
Your perfect, tan, chest
How you lift me up,
You fill me up,
You make me my very best
Bathe me in your needing,
In your wanting
Knowing you want this
How you
Sigh, sinking in and I
Can’t help but think you
Take away my trembling breath
And light me on fire
The next day I breathe a confidence
Lost in my inner goddess
Born from the ashes of our desire.

The way you smile says enough
and it has taken me this long to see
that I am not afraid of what I am…
Of what I have been
I’m afraid of what I’m being.
My greatest fear is that you will see me
Exactly as I see me.
That after all this you will finally discover the origin of my brokenness
And wonder if I will ever be fixed
Wonder if I’m worth this or worthless,
I need to except I will never be the same
Your kiss makes me wish I could stay
And see the way you see me.
I want to wake up some day and recognize
The girl reflecting in your eyes
And know undoubtedly
That breathless, beautiful, living, breathing
Girl there is me.

In a world crying out for sameness...
for diversity it’s hard to understand,
why you chose me
why you never chose me
why you left me
why you kept me.
How in the beginning
I was absolutely everything,
and how when I woke
I was nothing.

Did you lose your sense of belonging? Is it the way you know you don’t fit in, remarks on your skin, your partner, your friends? Is it that you could never get one; a general rejection from society always whispering your wrong? Perhaps its that not even the people everyone has told you should care most don’t at all. Perhaps you feel the ones that should care for you most lash out most of all and pull you down and push you against cement walls. Is it the feelings of building frustration that eats at you? Is it that you are stagnating in an unfortunate place or is it the terror you feel when you remember that you are trapped here with no way out except to wait. Is it that sense that you are completely and terrifyingly inadequate in the life you are in, in this situation you are surrounded by? Tell me right now what the hardest part for you is. Is it the sense of purpose that has died inside you like the delicate dreams you held protectively in fumbling hands or dose your desperation dance with all the things people can’t understand? Is it spinning and whirling and dipping with your sense of what is human with your sense of humanity? Do you shutter at their loss of compassion or the loss of your own? Do you think angrily of how they hate you or do you shudder in regret at the way you gave up on yourself? Tell me if you are angry for their wanting you to change or at your reflection for knowing that you can’t. Are you upset that you are aside from them or because in a moment of disgust you realize they are exactly the same as you? Are you mad that you alone are solely responsible for your sense of happiness while all along knowing it is all dependent on a wondering chance, some element you will need to accomplish it and allowing yourself to experience it while it’s there. Tell me I want to know, what’s the hardest part for you? Is it the pain, the terror, the dread, the numbness, the ache, the falling, the pressure, the restlessness, the emptiness, the cold indifference, the chaos, the cohesion, the awakening or your ignorance? Tell me what’s the hardest part for you?

Brown little can resting on restless wheels
Waiting to carry me away,
Paint peeled  like every bit
Of my sense of security
I’m in fear of everything,
Of leaving my dreams and sense of identity
Of all the screams that play in
My day dreams,
In echoes off the vacant caverns in my chest
Little fists clenched and weary
Longingly staring at pavements passing
Wishing to wake, to cry to break
The silence with this tremendous
Confusion,
Refusing to let blond feathered hair out of my sight,
Like he might just disappear
Drop into distance like everything else
I have ever known, that’s ever grown inside of me,
I will hide him,
In fake smiles, in hand holding,
I will hide him from fathers breaking cry’s
The first tears spilt over old scars
From his crippled heart.
I will tell him I love him so much
There will be no room for my wounds
He will have no space for the vast expanse of
Pain of mistrust and the awful nothingness.
Everything is gone, the world is the inside
Of this car hurdling through space with no destination,
I am holding the weight of the world on
My frail little shoulders and I hold it.
I only break under the weight of his sad eyes
glacial blue gray where my hope drowned
and my childhood dies. There is no safe part in me.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry…

I feel like you just dropped me
And I was so afraid
Of the winds friction against me
Of my stomach flipping
Of the things behind me
That my eyes were misting,
Afraid to hurt as I hurdled
As all my weight
Gave gravity leverage over me.
I know what its like to gather
Fractured pieces of your essence
To have your dreams pool at your feet
While you bleed abandonment.
I want to find you I seek
Your face and that sense
Of naivety
Your safety always gave me.
You provided stability to hope,
You fueled my dreams,
You made me believe
I was worth something.
Your eyes will be the last I see
On impact
Your laugh will echo in
All my bad dreams to come undone to.
I’m done playing this game with you.
And it hurts to smash face first
Onto frozen dirt.
But I’m a lot harder now
My hallow chest falls slower
This person I have become
You’ll never really know her.
She doesn’t fracture at the thought
Of your next abandonment
She doesn't hurt anymore
As a means of self punishment.
I promise, here watch me step off the edge
It’s not enough to want me.
Part of me is still dead or dying
Over all those things you said.  
My heart bleeds and my head
Swirls with all these lessons you have taught me.

Your smile is so warm and
Your hand feels so familiar in mine
I find I’m perpetually falling
When graced with your presence
I can never be safe when I want this
When I want things that don’t exist.
I feel so sorry
I can’t pretend like you do
I wish it was real
But the impact and inevitable devastation
Is not worth your immediate satisfaction,
My hesitation is my claim to my best decision
No sudden impulse has ruined me
I remain like always
As true to myself as I know how.
I will love me as much as you always should have
And your laugh makes me soft
And your memories bring me back to who I was
Before I broke,
But some words can’t be unspoken
And I don’t want to know how long
It takes, how hard you’ll fake before
We crumble
And I am only ashes.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
Your pain haunts me,
But that is not enough.
I’m afraid you will think in all the wrong ways
And never know the greatest gift I ever gave
Is that I don’t love like you do.
And when things change
They never fit quite the same.

Churning like the vast expanse of ocean laid at my feet.
All the distance and space of things,
Breaking like the wake inside of me
Like the ache inside of me,
Screaming..
Wait your drowning again
My head spins and my lungs
Burn at every want of breath
At every needing, at my neediness
At surviving day after day
Painfully aware of my slow sinking
Pretending I don’t care, about happiness
At my relentless pleas and prying
Into the gray spot of morality inside of me
Thinking an echo over and over
That I don’t miss my sense of belonging
Longing…
And yearning with every water molecule
In my physical body that you would reach out
Or say you want me.
That I could escape this rip tide and
Hide in dry sand, or your hands
Could pull me up and save me,
Lately the waters colder
And I’m older I’m harder, I’m patient,
Impatient…
I’m tougher , I’m jaded. I hate it
I hate me, I hate this
water rushes as I hit my knees..
Today I can't save me
Adrenalin spikes, heart's pounding
today's the day
today… I’m drowning.

Scared: the invaluable opportunity life provides us to be brave.

That kiss of yours was something,
braver than you have been before,
I'm unsure what’s got me captivated
but that kind of
passion
has an
IMPACT
that sort of thing
l i n  g   e    r      s
it trickles through memories,
runs through grasping fingers
And I will think of it simply because that kiss
felt like it actually
*mattered

I wonder how many notebooks I would have to fill,
If thoughts of you would exceed the life of my pen.
Probably, but then again I might get trapped in
all the things we never said.
I might get caught inside my head,
revisiting all the things that made me feel
like I was silly to think you would want me,
A brokenness that haunts me,
I'll set down my God forsaken pen
And stop writing.
I will remember how every conversation lead
with hard question
is accused of my want of a fight..
I have been fighting
All the hard parts alone.
I wonder how many note books I could fill
About feeling on my own.
I wonder how many notebooks I could fill
with all the parts of you, you never let me know.

There is a vast forest of my thoughts
Growing slowly in this
Expansive distance
And this shaking hallow wind echoes
In passive resistance
Against reaching branches
Marked by a remarkable drop in temperature
Rolling around and drowned
Caught in the undertow of excessive and
extensive self-expressive literature
You are the perfect example of uncertainty
In yourself, in your remarkable ability
To avoid direct contact.
You abandon me here in these woods
Completely directionless
And pondering the probability of your return.
murmuring to myself " you have learned
nothing."

Hey*  you
That’s all that needs to be said as his hand explores my face
As he climbs into my bed
And whispers all my worries in comforting kiss
Kills my heartache in the simplest kinds of bliss
He lent me persistence in physical presence
And provided sanity soft as his lips
Dripping with sincerity echoing
In all the silence preceding and fallowing
His simple statement,
Hey  you
Colliding with my emotional dissonance
His caring limitless intentions
Scandalous and seaming compellingly  guiltless
Pulling me close and killing the lonely
So much, he shows me in utter darkness
And he says so much in such simple utterance.

You are there to put a smile on my face and chase
Away so many of life’s little anxiety’s
And I’m gratefully lost in your distraction
I’m finally settled at least
With these things surrounding our attraction
It’s true and I’m preoccupied with what
You hid and the things you said
You bridged the gap between
What I thought I couldn't do and what I did.
A foot hold on the parlous  rock face
To where the sun sinks below the rocks,
And time makes the past a still frame in space
And stars reflections of our hearts
And the ocean knocks against the distance.
You are the foundation for my self healing
Self-image and in maintaining my resilience
You impact me simply in your existence.

Little idiosyncrasies that define you
More than the edge created by the light
Refracting off your dark skin
The give of your full lips against
My porcelain surface set
To tingle at your sultry glances,
The kind you give before pouncing
The stance you take and that
Tiny noise you make when
My rhythms right
Or I've managed to catch your attention
And lure you in'
A million different things
Wrapped around me perfectly wonderful
Absolutely astounding
Like racing heartbeats and your arms around me.
The kinds of memories I’m glad are ours
With all the you things that make me
Glad that I’m yours.

Knees weak and trembling
Lost to rhythm, lost to times
To the flashing lights and ancient lies
Of your laugh and ****** humor,
To your eyes and wrinkled warped wisdom
With how you always held your hands,
With the million ways you used them
And the games we would play  
All the days spent on repeat  
Poison broken hope hid in hell and
Torment disguising the life and decay
In the bottom of your soul
gone.
Your immense presence dwindling
Into nothing as you cave in.
Defined by your addiction,
Owned and liberated to be
Defined by your prognoses
Still hosting those same feelings
Of self hate, depreciation
Creating your own hell
For temporary damnation
I pray you save yourself,
There’s no one here to help you.
I’m sorry I couldn't stop you,
I’m sorry your life haunts you
Weighs on you taunts you like the guilt
Causing pressure on your chest,
Lung cancer it spreads,
I hate to whisper to myself
Because all that’s left to be said
Is you shouldn't hold your breath.

There is only forward head down,
Gut wrenched in a twist
Step,
Move ,
Closer,
Eyes cast down I pretend I don’t know her,
Until my eyes transcend this mundane
Headed for the door
Utterly perpetual inevitable encounter,
Walk a bit faster,
Take haste
I swear sometimes
That girl in the reflection
Takes chase.
I hate you she’s murmuring
Fresh wounds burning
Fleeting like
The beat of her
Step,
Step,
Steps
Are reassuring.
And this negative self image
Isn't reoccurring.

Skipping pebbles and watching the ripple
Reach out until it fades , or its fingers grasp
At the sand on the edge of the bank.
A sad gesture I think,
It seems Just like me,
Always leaping and reaching
And feeling it fall between your fingers
Drop like shaking knees
Like sand on the bank
Takes some patient observations
To find reason to thank
Salty tears pool like the ones that linger
On my porcelain cheek,
Feeling mild and momentarily
Enveloped in the telling tropical storm
The whirling wind whistling through the hole in my chest
Reminding me I’m torn
The pain of each beat just like the next
Breaking wake against sand
A rip tide against my
Washed out pride
Warm water against my skin
If you would touch my tears
I think you’d understand
The sorts of feelings
I’m wading in.

I couldn’t tell you for sure if I’m realistic
I want to believe in you.
When life spans over a vast canvas
And my life’s encountered so many marks
And sparks and dings and things
its fallen, am I falling?
I'm calling
Hold me
I am aware I will never be prepared.
Hold me like you could know me,
Before and after whatever event
We are looking through
And let me feel you.
Tonight I feel alone
I feel hallow, I feel ashamed
I feel borrowed
I only want to talk and linger
I’m a night stalker and a day dreamer
With no time in-between for sleep
Crawl beneath my sheets and hold me.

Peeling away layers like
They were made of soft cotton
And had buttons ,
You surprise me,
Shows in my sighs I think
Your kiss firm against my inner thigh,
Tongue pressed against my willingness
Expressed in every moment we have alone
Out of eagerness
In the nervous shaking of my fingertips
While I reach for something
Beyond your chest ,
Fallow the rise and fall
And concentrate on how your arms hold me
To the center of everything
While I free fall, eyes closed heart stalled into
This lack of control,
No you wont let me lose myself
And suddenly
I realize the crashing
In my head is just
Walls crumbling to dust,
You are resurrecting
The remains of my broken trust
Brazenly causing the destruction of
My inhibitions with every little
Kiss across my middle,
Along my leg and between my hips
it seems you cause
this
Undue influence
Every time you part your lips.

Are you prepared or even aware that you have witnessed the very beginning of the slow unwinding of me? You’re looking at me like nobody else and witnessing first hand my rediscovery and simplification. Complex structures have failed me I am searching for my foundations. Releasing all hesitations and irrational reservations I have chosen the middle path never the path of least resistance.

I’m finding great depths just beyond guarded eyes, painted in soft sighs and great pains residing just beneath your silly grin. I find all these old scars pinned down on the underside of your soft skin, I find so much of myself in you. In your pain you so urgently hide away but so desperately want the chance to express. You undress under the very same insecurities as I, you look at me wanting the same safe place we are both unsure even exists. You miss the things that felt whole in your chest, you live in your own honesty and self-sacrifice, in your own realism dyeing to be needy instead of needed if only in moderation the temptation to finally give to the pressure of harsh realities and lay instead of lift it. To fall apart within the confines of safe arms to hold you together, keep you warm and make the world stop while you lose your breath. I see you like you see me,  in tiny fragments of a mirror, I’ll make my perspective clearer, strip away my light skin and my slight frame in so many ways I can’t explain I look at you and see myself as very much the same.

I find my eyes tracing  lines
In subtle efforts to find
Exactly what moment was
Pivotal in finding our redefining
Reread rediscover.
Hover to soak in every ounce
Of something I’m not completely
Comprehending,
Listening for my echo to tell me something
About what the hell I’m meaning,
I’m spinning over the thought of it,
To finally have the chance
To whisper all my stabs
At a truth I haven’t had
and make you realize
there’s a million parts of you
worth writing over,

rereading to rediscover
Hover to soak up every ounce
Of something worth reliving,
Risking, head spinning, heart beating,
Words kissing over the kind of kissing
You leave me needing
creating that smile on your lips
Give it again I want another chance
Too look at you under scrutiny of pen

And hover reread rediscover
peel open your cover,
Let my fingers trace the page
And capture the bits of you
between the words we said
When you fumble, in the silence,
In your weakness, in how you
Look through your eyes and grin.
The bits of you, you leave
Open wide and unedited
When you decide to let me in.

You might be just a new chapter
In a life I’m excited to lead,
That’s a hell of a lot better than
A list of things
To miss and broken dreams
No pressure,
Whatever lesson this literature holds
I’m glad I held you,
I’m sure as hell am glad I read you.
Your my poems steady  build
Your words bursting at its seams
causing ink to well beneath my skin.
But the bruises you give,
I would like to get again.
So I hover, reread  to rediscover

I remember moments I thought would last forever,
Seconds that break my heart
Like it was a thousand years
I remember two days and
To much time between seldom shed tears
That feel like
The entirety of the ocean.
I’m lost to the notion that feeling what needs to be felt is like
Baiting a trap
Slapping a welt
And swallowing salt water
When the days hotter
Than the one before.
I just keep walking fast knowing feelings never last.
They didn't for him.
They didn't for her.
Couldn't say for sure that they ever where.
Then why am I here
Well if I’m honest…
I don’t really know.

I remember now how simply easy it is to fall
From a person from yourself
How hard it is to fall
From the top shelf
How lonely you find existence when persistence fails and
Falls to the chaos of inconsistency
Like shark to a baby seal
He called me baby a million times
Pushed passed my skin and made me feel
He told me maybe I was right
And that lies are candy
A man to handy with empty syllables
Thrifty and crafty tricky and snappy
With the perfect words
To make you transcends into a dream
I loved him and all his potential
How devastating to find myself wading through
All those I love you’s and
My day dreams all concave and
Receding, all the empty places where he left me needing
Something substantial
Realizing he was just a nightmare
With a pleasant beginning.
No man just monster screaming
On fire with heart torn and beating.
The best thing you ever did for me
Was say that you were leaving.

I want you to pull me in hard just to kiss me softly and linger in my space. No one else can stop my breath with a single finger hardly brushed against my face. I want the look you give when I press my lips against your cheek.. some hopeful half smile so heartbreaking and beautiful the angle you have me falling is particularly unusual. I believe you'll catch me even though I have no reason to your my life's bright New season and I have been thinking .. about your lips, this sinking... I have been thinking about the tone you take, the words you choose, and the little things that make you you. I have been thinking about how little girls make you melt and the way you hold yourself how you set yourself on fire and look with passion in your eyes. I've been thinking of things I can't put to words but I want anyway. I have been thinking you feel right.

In astrology I learned
We are all born of stardust
They die, combust and that carbon
Is the same carbon in us.
Everything belongs to everything
I think as
My fingers lightly trace
An Ink star siting
On your dark skin.
I want to fall into you
I bet you could pull me in
And set me on fire and
Bring me to life again,
Perhaps in your laugh I will find
The origin of life,
Or perhaps some sense
of purpose for mine.
My thoughts trace your star,
I catch the light in your eyes
When I’m surrounded by you
It seems perfectly right
That I be lifted set on fire
Under cover of night
So ******* high
Because we were born
Of stars
And I am so much bolder ,
So much brighter,
So much calmer
when your lights close to mine.
You turn and the star on your shoulder
Escapes under mundane every day
Fabric, not of time and space,
Of cotton
And your just the person I’m wanting
You see me noticing you
And all I can think to do
Is reach out and touch it.

I want to stay here forever
Lost in the comfort of your embrace
Face to face with something settled
And exposed,
Like the raw rock face of the Grand Canyon
I could wait an eon and never feel
This way again,
My thoughts tracing
Your dark skin,
Chin and cheek pressed
Against the rise and fall of your chest
Some strange new comfort
Found in your gentleness,
In our silence
I feel like I have encountered an old friend
Who has been gone so long
I’m unsure of how to begin.

Entangled in this lost love this
New trust all wrapped in
New lust this gray scale
Between being alone and in love
The enigma I am,
Existing between the borders
Of feeling enough leaning up against that hard line
Marking off space for the insufficients,
Deaf,loners and mutes and
All those awkward adolescents,
Loitering on the far side of sanity.
Any body ostracized for being different than
what ever normal means.
Or those lonley people like me.
your meek and vulnerable,
Dyeing
For something on the other side
I fiddle around somewhere in the middle
Sometimes I’m so sad
And I just don’t cry.
It just wont work
And then when you have me laughing
Side aching gasping
I think of all the little things
And now that I feel safe
I can take a breath,
I want to cry about everything.
What the hell does that mean?
There finely something to feed
the ache in my chest.
I feel livelier I feel brighter
And sadder in the same ways
But I’m like a beacon shining through the broken
Hanging to the notion that broken dreams
Can heal too and when they get together
They can transform like a caterpillar
Into the butterflies in you.
When you smile it’s like a glimpse at a truth
I keep chasing after but have never really seen
Heading contrary to this person I became.
You excite me into being something I am but have never lived
And I’m fighting to see who she is
I’m pinning myself against the answers to the questions
About who this new person really is.
And wondering the part in it you will play,
Kicking my self for my uncertainty in the claim
Of being broken or brave
At this silent admission of my wanting you to stay.

You are exceptionally perplexing
All the things you say in the silent space
Between us
And the subtle shift you are always making
In this direction
I didn’t think you’d take us.
You are something real and tangible
Something concrete and manageable
So why can’t I comprehend your existence
When every day you lure me in with coy smile
And patient persistence
Hand out and silently asking me to take it
While you step waist deep into
A soft wake of a million risks
I’m about to take.
I keep thinking I’m dreaming and when I wake
When I blink
I’ll be drowning
And no one will be around
To tell me
You'll  be  ok.  
Just an empty shadow of a thing that wasn’t real
To take the place of your hand,
Of a man
So perplexing
I’m afraid to think I understand.

The way you kiss reminds me of how
My lips formed a million times and more
To his.
He changed me.
Your so different but I keep anticipating
Something in me cascading
I get it there is nothing more worth chasing after
Lets face it
I’m stumbling over a bit more than the strange way
Your full lips press
Against mine.
I’m dyeing over time spent
Fighting false panic caught and pinned
By broken bones and scar tissue.
In my head there’s me and my own issues
And the simple fact that I can’t stop looking at you.

Lime green because life is to overwhelming
To be anything but free flowing
I bet you chase it,
Shouting out it’s too precious to waste it
I think I should spend more time with you
Deep blue could learn a thing or two
About contentment and a proper self-assessment.

You are all wrapped up in your hostility remarkably
Handsome with that impish grin, hand playing
With the hem of the defensiveness I’m in.
You always step just a bit to close to test
Something in this
To gest at something
Better than this competition,
You would like us to both win.
Bite your lip again I like to think
You are more than a mistake that’s not mine to make,
Sometimes
I think…
I should let you win
And if you came here to press on my skin,
Pull at the edges of my uncertainty,
I might just let you in.

If I let you run along me, like two raindrops
Crossing paths on the condensation
On the icy pains,
Would you drop to earth
Like march rains
Would I only want for sunlight
To dry you
From my face.
Would you grow inside me
And fill this empty space
Or would we simply become one?
Or in the act of our colliding would I
Just come undone?

I was a shadow
An echo
An after thought
Of all my hopes and dreams,
Promises and insecurities,
I let myself down,
And even I watched in silence as I drown.
I woke with fresh life
And an urge to purge old baggage I hate
All the weight
I can’t have that.
So I Just let it go, and
Woke with my head exposed
And bobbing
On calmer waters,
Climbed onto shore got warm
And remembered feeling is hard,
I think being numb was harder.
I am quivering in anticipation
Lost all my patience in waiting
To experience something
Self illuminating.
I can’t tell if I’m falling apart
Or together but I’m feigning
Through life exploring my ache
At the thought of changing.
I’m moving on I’m done waiting.
I’m alive
This is
Exhilarating.

I am a thousand words colliding
Entangled in there transcendent meaning
Lost in the tremendousness of symbolism
Creating a breathing being
With a heart beat
Within the cataclysm
On the far side of the gray scale
We are taking great complexity and placing
All of existence into a word.

I must say I am not lost in the irony
That I am
And you are
And that fate paired us together.
You have found God,
Whether your silence expresses my words
Has yet to be deciphered
Whether your transparency is providing
A plain view to the same landscape
As my transparency is foggy
Its your breathing condensing on
The thoughts racing through my mind.
Your darkness brings about my own reflection
I have only a single confession
I don’t know what a single syllable means,
I don’t know anything exactly
But I am prepared to meet myself,
If you can show me.
But I am tidbits of mashed letters
Transcending physical body
And I’m afraid your going to have
To get down to my level and
Actually say
Something.

You make me smile and look forward to days
Drag me out in into the rain and remind me there
Is a real world out there,
So I leave my haze and face it, but you animate it
In your vitality and expressions
You breath laughter and gave it
To me like something contagious,
If my life were a movie we were watching
It would be hard to tell in what frame
Exactly you became my best friend
But if we paused right now than
Maybe you would feel the intensity
Of my vast appreciation and affection
Seen in the last scene of any sappy chick flick
Where everything turns out perfect in the end,
I strive to fall in love with my life,
Tonight I realized I did. And when
I think about what’s gone right
I think of all the things you've ever said.
Your perfect I mean it seriously it’s true
I think it’s why I love Abe he amplifies
The awesome that is you,
Without a sacrifice or compromise of his,
Here it is ,
Know this, I love you both a lot
And Jessie
You've taken up a big spot in my heart,
For a wide range of things
And I don’t think that could ever change.
If you ever need a thing know I’m here
Just for you and being that,
Just being friends  is like
The best choice I have ever made,
I just want to say I ******* love you.
And i hope this brightens your day. =)

I am pulsating with all my
Life I’m living,
Smiling so hard my cheeks ache at the way,
You look at me, you look that way,
Exuberant and gushing about the feeling
Heavy in the air grasping at my uncertainty
And pulling it down leaving behind something more revealing,
A more vivid vital version of myself,
I feel so grand right now,
Every bit of me living out the beat
I don't even understand why your here or how..
but It's perfect,
your smile says it was totally worth it
Effervescently setting free these wild feelings
I couldn't feel in me.
Moving through my limbs in perfect motion,
against your breathing, into
your irrevocable smile hidden in
your perfect aura tasting of ecstasy,
come closer be next to me.
share yourself
in this moment I know your quite a bit shy but,
let me feel your freedom.
I love the way I’m feeling and the sweet words when you say them.
I happily bathe in the subtle things your pouring over me,
And my rhythm, on my skin, and I like
The way you peek over my shoulder
Its nice,
How I feel you falling and
Just keep the beat,
Just keep mouthing the lyrics
Like a poem, every single one because you know em
Nodding your head with that smile on your face
Nothing matters more than that,
Don’t let me go in this moment
Seriously please
Just dance
Like this is our only chance
With all these feelings fleeting take the leap
Take my hand find the beat,
Just dance...