If she could go back and change anything
She would gather her courage and stand
Just half an inch taller,
And sacrifice the bits of her heart you already devoured,
For the chance to maintain her self respect.
What the hell was she thinking?
Head reeling eyes blinking,
Bound like she owed you more than
The every bit of everything she already gave you,
she made you more important than herself,
She must have momentarily forgotten she’s a
Little embodiment of humanity
Lost in love and insanity,
You are less of a man than any body
You jump at the chance
To lose your empathy, drive, your capacity
To experience your life
The “opportunity” to care for nothing.
But you were nothing less
Than selfish…
Cutting it close to a monster
You always hoped she would remember
Just know you are the mistakes that still haunt her.
She talks of all the times she should have walked
And wonders if you ever really loved her.  
You made her hurt so much harder but
Honestly shes tougher
And in the dark she doesn't cry
She often smiles, it took awhile but it doesn't matter,
you will never ever touch her
shes on fire,
the kind that turns heads and breaths laughter
and chases faster than hard liquor and starts
working  quicker than all the drugs on your brain.
Lazy attempts to numb everything.
She so much better, lighter brighter and burning hotter.
Its probably a hard thing admittedly
to be the dumb-*** that didn't want her.

You unravel me pulling at all my loose ends
With that look that snatches every bit of me up
Holds me tight and stops my breathing
Leaving me with my head reeling trying to make sense of
These feelings
While light rolls off me
Much like the streetlights in the dead of night
When I’m walking right out from under
My one hundred and forty pounds of
Scar tissue ,
Heart breaks
Of tears collected,
Of pride swallowed,
Of being filled
Emptied and hallowed.
My one hundred and forty pounds of
Rubble from the walls I've torn down
And built again to stand
At an impressive summit of five foot eight,
A compacted version of all the will I make
And i'm left with only my essence
My sense of presence and a smile playing in my eyes,
Tonight
I’m all mine
I’m all yours,
I’m all open and I’m not scared.
My naked truths all laid bare
I don’t care,
If later I fall to pieces or if I fall together,
I don’t care whether this is just in this moment or
If this last forever.
I feel so perfectly together,
with my senses of self,
With the mirror and my memories
With the things you do and
The words you say in your lovely smile.
I haven’t felt this kind of way
In  far too long a while.

All your smiles and sweet words,
Feel a bit like an ice pick
In my aching chest.
But I get it your scared,
And I’m not the best you could ever do,
I hope that’s true.
Just know knowing you is an echo
Of my past and empty promises that couldn't last.
You chose wrong,
I’m not on any throne
And you've always known I stand on no pedestal,
We didn't have to be alone.
But I was worth more, than to feel
That I constantly pester you.
I don’t know whether I’m disappointed in
Myself ,
Or proud that I was so brave,
Even if you walked away
And let me drown in that moat of unworthiness
While you mutter repetitively in your untouchable tower
That “she isn't worth the risk”.
Go ahead and merge with the shadows,
I’ll think of everything and hate that I miss,
Every bit of the things that cease to exist.

You won't even let aPrincess in
After ascending those walls
in the face of great rains,
and murmuring bandaids
over old scars and fresh pains.
You coward.

You both are just standing there,
One of you captured in your own stoic silence.
Unwavering but trembling on the inside all caught up in your archaic pride.
The other sputtering words bubbling,
A tortured smile on your face,
Grinning at your own sin and your own mortality,
Like its just a joke …where no one can find a punch line
At least I don’t .
It seems steep
For the two of you to loiter so close to the edge of an abyss so deep,
Just toying with the thought
Of your metaphysical leap.
You make me question my mortality,
You make me question everything.
You breaking my heart when your smiling and I’d just love to scream.
Try harder, don’t you dare ******* leave me.
And to the other, to not be scared
There’s no way I could express
The million ways I love her,
All wrapped up and under cover of
All the complexity you left me with ingrained in me.
You made me bulletproof and weak in the knees,
And put deep in my heart a desperate need to question every bit
Of everything,
Don’t leave.
Not yet,
You silly stubborn women,
Covered in decorated scarfs and nighttime robes,
Don’t go in your clever masks,
Please please stay.
I don’t know how to feel alone.
You held me as a child and I’v grown and I know
That I would crumble into missing you.
You made me who I am today.
please stay...

I just want my life to feel like my own,
To remember I shine as much as I've shown.
I want to move through my day,
With grace and the biggest smile on my face
Filled with those feelings you used to give me.
When a walk in the rain and Popsicles
Where the building blocks of perfect days
And the sun shone on your wrinkled face
And there wasn't anything you couldn't do,
There was nothing you wouldn't say
To make me smile,
I haven’t felt that way in quite a while.
You have been gone, for so long,
Your memory’s a bit fading like the bathroom tile,
In that old house.
They clear cut the forest where we used to tromp,
Thinking about it makes my heart ache and breathing stop.
And your old glasses still sit on my desk,
One of the lenses popped out.
And I sobbed like I had never cried.
Grandpa I miss your silly face
And all the crazy **** you used to say.
You make me love all the darkness in people,
You were a big white place in hell's highest steeple
And I just want to say
That as time passes and nothing lasts
I still think of you when I want to sink.
And it’s in bits of my past
That I remember who I am and how to smile,
And to say I love you, because it’s been awhile.

I find tonight I’m too sad to find sleep.
I wish I would have looked before it was too late,
Because it’s too far the times passed and I can’t think
Of anything except I miss you, in this silly way
And it would have been really nice to just hear you say
Goodnight.
And I would have smiled
And said the same thing,
I’d close my eyes and drift to sleep.
Now I’ll be up all night just whishing
I’d have thought to listen.
And hating that I miss you.
Praying to an empty room
That I could for a moment
**** the distance.  
Lean into you and whisper
And pretend that even in your silent slumber
You could listen
And you would know I meant it.
Goodnight.

You've never met him…. she whispers,
Gathering concern in the creases between her brows.
Her eyes pulling everything out of the surface of my skin,
Trying to gauge my actions out, trying to change them
Looking for me to shift my words
Refusing to put herself in
My perspective, filling me with doubt.
I pull my thoughts of you out
Become the reflective introspective I am at heart.
Lost in your gentle voice wrapped in honest laughter,
In all the promises you so kindly never make,
Reveling in the bits of me you so sweetly never break.
So gently never bring me down, in the way you sing
And make me smile so hard my cheeks ache
I remember the exact way you shake your head,
When your sleepy and questioning something that I've said.
Perhaps it’s the exuberance in voice, how you light up when I laugh.
How you watch me when I waver and move forward like I never have,
How every second you use words to ask for answers
To questions no one else cares to ask,
How you let me pull back layers and you show me all your masks
And build me the biggest fort out of your silk sheets
And blankets for me to hide for two childish adults retreat
And day dream and discover  the colors in our eyes.
I begin to wonder how it came to be,
That you would see me clearer
Than she does.
She can’t understand how
From so far away you touched me
Softer, sweeter, hotter calmer,
Than anyone else had.
My stomach trembles at the thought of it,
At the thought of you and the tone you take
And the words you chose.
At the things you say, at the person you are
And the distance you break.

Well ..
I whisper my response making my gaze stronger
Inhaling a bit longer head spinning heart beating harder,
I've met him silly
He just lives far
He's seen me
And I him.
I've met him , pshh hes like
My best friend.

Its crazy reflecting on all my misguided thoughts of you,
I was all wrong about you,
Now baring my deepest insecurities,
And most brazen actions you only
Hold me up and **** the lonely,
Again and again you give me hope
In humanity and my sanity
In profanities hidden powers and
Boys duality in this sick twisted existence.
Your persistence astounds me,
How was I so lucky ?
You don’t even know you’re gorgeous
And sweet and the strongest,
Modest
Most honest individual
I have encountered in eons.
The list rolls forever on
I want to be like this forever, so never stay away.
I just wanted to say thank you,
For not judging me today, when
Judgment was easy.
And thank you for taking the time
To stop and really see me.

I am not as broken as I think I am,
I'm capable of more than I feel I can.
Escaping the numbness
Just lets in the flood,
So I feel it fresh again.
Just breath slowly…
No one here even knows me.
I am not so abandoned
So abused,
I am not so used
As to be rendered useless.
This is my truth
Its what I murmur to myself,
To the darkness in my room,
Into the comforting embrace
Of my tear soaked quilt.
I will not be undone,
I will not be made to wilt.
when I have only just begun.  
tomorrow will be brighter,
I will always persevere,'
I've always been the fighter.

Nothing matters,
I’ve seen you,
All the movement and stillness,
All the serenity and forgiveness,
All your health mixed in with the weakness
In your walls. I know
The texture of half the scars
On your tender heart.
You can have whatever you like,
You deserve so much more,
Than I could offer,
You are so much stronger,
Than I can explain,
You can take up space in my heart
If you wish,
Fill this distance with want of a kiss,
You can have my hesitation,
My trust.
You can have my aspirations and my lusts.
You can do with them whatever you like,
Please, though, please don’t cry.
Never cry.

Tilting and turning, my perspective slightly shifting.
Questioning what’s happening.
Hating that for a moment I trust your intention
More than
Every bit of myself,
A strange shuffling that sounds
Like a collapse,
I don’t understand deep inside my self,
I clutch my chest,
But I ignore it, eyes low deserting my
Self-respect.
Trying to process feelings from my stomach
In my head.
You lied about listening to the silence,
This one was screaming broken by past violence,
Perhaps that’s why I felt like crying.

We go on like we don’t know,
Like I can’t taste the acidic tension,
Like you were to deaf beyond empty chatter
To hear the shatter,
Of my fragile trust, the slow dyeing of my gentleness.
Pleading with myself to let it go,
To carry on like I shouldn't know.
Wishing it didn't feel like lying to never let it show.
But I was shrinking, and shifting, and hating myself
Because it happened and it was me.
Because it happened and it was you.
Because I was nearly silent,
And it breaks me up, to hear you crying.
*** I only want to bring you higher,
Don’t let yourself become a regret
And I won’t become,
Everything I should have said.

I woke up today,
And for the first time I didn't miss your smile,
I didn't cling to my tattered pillow and think
Of my cheek on your rising falling chest.
Never once did I think you’d be my best.
I can’t remember your smell, or the exact texture
Of the fire in your hair.
I can’t remember a lot of things,
And that feels just fine.
I woke up today finally feeling all right,
And free like a fresh start,
With healed scars
Where an entire existence used to be,
To be honest I woke up today,
Feeling lighter, free.
I woke up today to find
My heart belongs to me.

I am tempting, intoxicating,
Admittedly I know I am so,
With all my edges exposed,
All my light, my darkness spill
In radiant hues around me.
I’m all those memories of heaven,
Of hopes and dreams and things
Lay to rest by my rational dissection,
mourned over by my quivering emotions.
Bad luck I suppose that I saw it coming.
Placing myself and so your eyes, onto ground level.
For perspective, for stability.
Why then do you appear disheveled?
Eyes wander, fingers pacing, lips bit with anticipating,
Torn there in your quiet reverie,
When I’ll lend any part of me to keep you together?
You shudder, at the thought of my touch, the words I mutter
Its true I lust, you lust.
You, like me, are irrevocable,
You exude humanity,
Your light sprays and twist over your dark pool,
I want to reach out and touch you
If  he exists, forsakes you, then know this,
I’d rather burn in the fiery pit eyes bright
Than miss my life, myself, this chance, your kiss.
No matter, I refuse to be but brighter.
I’m sorry your not sure,
I’m sorry you don’t know like I do.

I have been alone to long, even in the end I was a haze in the distance.
I hate that I stayed.
Even that is over now,
I don’t need him.
I don’t know how I let this happen.
My thoughts scream,
But I’ll forgive myself I know,
I poured myself out into that soft reflection
And humming conviction and
I didn't really know you did I.
No, I didn't .
We had been parting ways for a long time,
Probably why I hardly cried,
But when you walked it stung the same.
Mostly for the things you say.
I hate you for your forced ignorance.
The way you blame everything,
I hate you for refusing to look at me,
Standing unclothed before you,
Wearing nothing but old scars
And my broken heart tied to my wrist.
I hate how you turned from my kiss,
I just wanted you to love me.
I’m so sick of feeling like this,
Like no one could ever touch me.

It’s a deep blue, with ties and lace,
Silky smooth, it reminds me of a reflection of the moon.
It looks like anticipation,
It tastes like wanting and yearning,
It looks like the water that starts the fire.
That starts your desires burning,
Clothing marked by lust and worn in trust.
I wish  I could see your face when I slipped into it,
Or when I slipped out of it,
If I could get you alone,
would you moan?
And then my heart stops and the tears flow
And I remember..
that its just sitting a crumpled mess on my floor
Sitting a reflection of my own cold distance,
His cold indifrance
And I am here I’m alone
And not for lack of wanting
someone here to show.

I'm suffering through my own frustration,
I miss the feel of a physical connection,
The feeling of soft lips lightly pressed,
Of hearing heartbeats and rising breath,
I miss being close to bliss when hands brush
I can’t deny my body yearns to touch
I think of who I am and who you were
And how every day I’m more alone.
How can it be wrong that I want to fall into someone,
Someone who can for at least a moment see me,
Trust me, kiss me, free me.
I just miss being Wanted and felt,
I miss
Being
kissed.

Its just that your biting your lip I think,
That makes me sink into the things that you say,
Or the way you seem like you want to reach out
And touch my face; push through all the distance space
And make me smile.
Perhaps our laps in the everyday
Is just the response to loss
And my resistance to the growing distance
Between me and the human race.
Maybe I think it’s just that your biting your lip I think,
And the way your lips frame your teeth
That makes me sink into the things you say.
To bad your sleeping so far away.
when you say things that wreck my thoughts
I know when I hesitate,
you'll watch me biting my lip
And I think we are thinking the same things
And I think that's why your smiling.
It will always be moments like this
I cling to, that keep me safe from crying.

I miss your supple kiss and warm cuddles
And the simple bliss , of pressing my cold toes,
Against your hot calf, I couldn’t lie I miss that.
I don’t miss your blind rage or the pain you
Portrayed while doing small things,
I don’t miss all the things you’d say strange
Beguiled and out of place loud and rough and in your face.
I do miss the gentle way you’d trace my face,
The softest breath when you said my name.
I do miss who you were, sincere, genuine.
I do not miss who you became.
I don’t dear you just weren't the same.

The ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold.
And my toes curl and the room swirls I falling to my knees,
I have to stop  remind myself how important it is to breath,
I keep my eyes wide and steps wider and hope I’ll get to see
And the trees say to hold still,
when I’m running way to fast but the past
Chases and my knees shake because thoughts of you are fast.
The first thing and the middle thing are all to avoid the last,
The last thing is the same thing is facing my recent past.
Its hearing your voice echo
through the caverns of my mind,
Telling me you’re leaving me
And that I wasn’t worth the time.
And the ground shakes when my chest aches like I’ve swallowed something cold,
And my mind thinks my hearts torn and it must be gushing blood,
The wound reopened thoughts spinning right against the surface,
I start to questioning everything, myself, my life my purpose.
But then the ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold,
And I realize through my cold sweat that this will too grow old,
And each time the ground shakes I’ll be closer to the ground,
And I’ll outrun our memories,
Your sent your smile your sound.

Paper frogs hoping through soft memories
Of smiling and reading up every delectable word
Your tiny messenger had to say, just another way you
Saved me every day.
A paper frog perched on the top shelf
Of our locker and the little note
Brought sparks back as you approached.
Making my heart beats harder.
The swarm that caught me after my stay away.
Just response to heartache and distance
Our own way to stabilize and build resilience
Resistance against the corrosive insistences of life.
You just left it all behind, you left me.
But I still find ways and reasons through
Life’s seasons to brighten days with
The broad  head and little legs
Of the creased paper with ink stains
In the shape of a frog for smiles sake.
They have replaced invitations,
Goodbye letters, reminders notes,
A Christmas card to my cancer fighting
Grandma who smiled so hard I had to make others.
Made a couple for my brothers
And all along thoughts of you always hover
Right  there at their creases.
Perhaps it’s just the bit of you, you left in me
Showing through all my broken pieces.

I can’t believe you could just let go.
Like we were nothing, like I was nothing.
I can’t believe you would show me a picture of how things could be,
If you didn’t want it and I’m haunted,
By your memory, every time my heart beats I murmur stop it,
And softly my breathing reminds me I’m not enough
I wasn't worth trying for,
And that’s almost as bad as knowing who you where,
And that you think he wasn't worth trying for.
Everything you were, everything you wanted,
It’s nothing now,
We’re nothing now,
You
are nothing now.

It took three seconds for you to shift my universe to lift me
Like a soft breeze under soft falling leaves closer
To a sun lit sky.
It took three months of try after try time after time,
Chasing anxieties with soft sighs, chasing hot gilt
With forgiving eyes .
It took all of my trust mustered together and all your warmth
And golden patience for me to find my worth,
For me to take this new love and give all of what I had left.
It took
A thousand sweet words to heal the hurt that ached within my chest.
And time , it always took time.
For me to give you the best me I thought I would never be again.
I was new and precious ,
coal under pressure deep beneath ground,
Until you dug me out wash me off and found
I glistened, and when I listened I really listened
I loved to hear you talk.
It took
All my patience to love you,  all my endurance to face mistrust
all my strength to recuperate from all the promises you freely made
just to break .
It took all I could give to satisfy what you’d take
it took my everything to feel adequate when the easy way was your only way,
it took perseverance to hear it and try to deny that voice in the back of my mind
And **** it to tell myself that I was worth more than  A friend you had *** with.
It took you to pull me up remember you’d call me your angel?
Well I had to grow wings to move on , the grounds to unstable.
It took you cutting me lose to face the sky willing and able.
It took realizing you were so weak, infantile, and feeble
To believe in the core of me I’m smart strong, capable.

My pen has no eraser
its end inks over my soft skin
etching errors over the places I've been
inscribing the essence of the sins I've sinned
My poems saved me
like tattoos that allow me to
explode poetry into the external
to be remade, remodeled
like a sprinkle of ink syllables
creative release in the form of an ink fit.
I'd leave it if I could, I'd want to and I would.
But simply I can't stand and that's the stance I’ll take.
And its how I get by day after day .
my poems save me.

Waiting, like molecules slowed in crisp heavy air,
Like earths rotation has been compromised.
The clock has all but stopped its ticking,
Anticipation alive and writhing, sticking
To the moment before it, sighing
Licks its wicked lips, it’s smiling.
I swear its trying to **** me,
waiting for water to rush
Over and replenish this parched earth
Is like waiting for a cure
The day after death has
Rendered me stiff and ridged.
Riga mortise over and done with.
I wonder how many times
That I can die before
You will warm me with your kiss.
I miss you

I love you more than the air I breath,
Than the sun and the moon,
You so kindly do hang,
I’m in love with your sigh,
And the stars in your eyes,
And how no one could love me this way.
The problem you see is me loving me,
I’m afraid and as scared as I can,
That I’ve found a man
With a gentle hand and full hearty plan
Who gets through life just as anyone can
But loves me more than
I could  understand,
I’m always afraid that he’ll leave,
not that I can’t see
What his promises mean,
Just that when I look in the mirror
It couldn’t be clearer
he could do
A lot better than me.
no, the man adores me.
I just wish I could look and
see me , as he sees.

I look at myself in the mirror.
Naked as I have ever been,
Skin exposed to yellow light
And exhausted dreams buried
Under the purple skin beneath my eyes.
I stand there flesh on bones,
Light porcelain skin lightly
Kissed tan by the suns golden rays,
My hair a mess and my head in a haze.
I am alien,
I hate myself, I could scream it,
I mean it enough.
My skins soft, but inside I’m broken,
I’m rough.
I hate
The way my skin layers over
The hole in my chest, the delicate
Curve and bounce of my breast,
I think maybe once I was beautiful.
Inside I am in ruin, what I was
Has crumbled to dust, and my fluid curves
Just don’t look like much
When I see my reflection
as a dead shallow husk.
I find I hate the things I loved
When I can see them this way.
All of the things I loved about me,
Are nothing, are broken , fake,
I am so much uglier under
The relentless light Of my mistakes.

My greatest shame
Is the way I talk to myself,
Admitting that I don’t love me
Half as much as anybody else.
And thinking every day,
How everyone who loves me
Would chose somebody else
On a rainy day, If hard pressed.
And that I’m not worth the effort
Of the ones I love to stay.
And remembering how in love I used to be
With who I had become.
Now I’m facing every day feeling
Like I’m the only one
who has ever come undone,
when the ones they most loved
all turned to run.

I miss you you know.
you were my best friend, back then I thought for sure you were god sent, something about you stayed when everything else in my life seemed to shift and I was down right scared. My head blared and fear stirs the air, it's a heavy scent. You stayed and others went, you came when my will bent when my heart broke, when emotions welled and I started to choke. I was there every second you tested my resolve, I was there when you staled in the last moment before lashing out, loud shouts you called harsh names, aimed to pain and for awhile I wondered if we were both insane. But we always got out you and I , we stayed the same. Life killed my faith in **** near everything. I'm so alone tonight and yesterday, hell I've been alone a lot of days and you came. Unannounced for a moment to fleeting to feel healing just long enough to see me not cry until the door clicked.
I miss you, you know. And i hope more then I have let grow in a long time, that tomorrow you can take a day and let me feel, like someone I used to know. Take a few hours and a hug two ears and smart *** remarks to rekindle a spark in myself I let die in the dark. Just a day to say that i'm not completely alone and that we haven't changed.

I have people who understand me.
sometimes,
I have red sunlight bringing me up and breaking through clouds
some days,
I have my own sun rays to chase
and i'm proud in most ways
of who I have become
and I've done things,
I've said things that could have left unsung
un-flung clean from dirt and
Dry hung instead of smeared in raw pain hurt,
With my tear soaked words.
Sometimes familiar voices soft as angle feathers seek me out.
But sometimes ...
well sometimes is not as good as right now,
when right now all that I am.....
is alone.

Take those decades of resentment
Rolling around in tortured minds
And set them just behind the heartache
Created out of silver piercing words
That were uttered so long ago.
Dress it up with red like all the
Blood that’s spilled from broken
Knuckles, and hearts torn through
Out our time. Let the snow
Place a blanket over hate
And old vicious addictions
Wrap it up in shiny nice ribbons
Pretty and so scantly hidden,
Underneath the green pine
The smell of hope squelched
By disappointment that can’t be helped
And the sort of familial dysfunction
circled around the Christmas tree.
The smell of food and treats
The sound of jokes and laughter on the brink
For one to think they have been crossed.
For one tortured soul to think too loudly
That it’s too late, they are lost.
Balancing on the edge living momentarily
To the explosive nature and fast pursuit
Of broken people put together in a single room
Face to face with how reality
Has made them their *****,
Itching at demons
Screaming as there seeing that not the all of them
Could hold the Curtin up, and magic in
And let Christmas be Christmas for a kid.
But people don’t like to hear you don’t like
Christmas.
That snow melts in your socks
Or why broken glass reminds you of
Wrapping paper and ribbon.

As intimidating as a blank page,
So much nothing its overwhelming
A mesh of every color created into
The lull of empty space.
So much change it’s the same
Melting into the realization.
Nothing is everything.
Just a mess of choices, mistakes.
A dialog of faces, of familiar places
Time is all there is, it doesn't exist.
It doesn't mean anything.
But the illusions addicting
And I’m high off of you.
In this life, images of your body
Split words of color from your mind.
Spending quality time on the beach in your eyes.
The vibration of your resounding energy
Slightly tickling every square inch of me
Feeling electricity while
your tenderly kissing
my essence and reassuring me
of my presence and my own existence.
Fitting closely against the love
You so boldly drove into me
Filling voids while bringing me
To the brink of happiness, joy, and ecstasy.
Convincing me that lapses in time
And relapse in my addiction to
The thought of the human paradox.
Of existing in constant contradiction
Are not completely lost and somehow create direction.
And I don’t feel lost in our created heaven
And I must exist and you’re my only real-
My only worthy recollection.

her cold stair,
blank nostalgia draped with silent intentions
scalds me when her name is mentioned,
behind strained wishes,
taunted behind distant wants,
all caught up in my broken heart
subsides in my stomach tied in knots
all delicately laid in such a way
as to barricade  who I was
from getting to who I wanted to be
while day after day I strained looking
and trying, hoping and crying
until the moment I burst forth
in glorious flame they called me phoenix
I remembered my name
I gathered my strength mustered
every ounce of my courage and
let them go, tiped the scale, domino
tore the seem of my reality, gave my self
some room to grow.

He made love to me mid-day,
In passion I couldn’t replicate
If I wanted too, it happened
And like all original acts was great.
How come I can’t shake this feeling
That the earth shakes when I’m
Moving and my heads turning
But I still see straight, I’m smiling
But I wish desperately I could be crying
Relieve some pressure from my
Chest, a bomb about to detonate,
The haze is clearing why can’t I feel
Anything how it is, how I think it is,
How it was, does it count as insanity
If never breathing soul sees that side of me?
I mean inside of me, that’s a cloud lurking
Over what today ought to be,  
Considering all the ****** up insanity
In lives of those surrounding me, I think
I just need a little attention in a world
That doesn’t give a ****
About my day to day happenings,
That doesn’t give a **** about poetry,
That doesn’t really give a ****
About my feelings.
But at least
There is a caring, daring, strong man
In my gray shade life, who makes love like
Aurora makes me see colored lights
A nice contrast to a stark life.
I just wish
I could fix
Myself for
One *******
Good night.
So he could breathe easy and
Finally believe me when I say
He’s doing everything exactly
How he should be and I’ll be all right
He’ll never understand his kiss
Is magic but can’t just fix,
Nineteen years of brokenness.
And I’ll never feel right knowing
He never deserved any part of this.
It’s just a bad day , a hard one the one
You know the type that last an eon.
Breaks your hope that time goes on,
Keeps you up past one in the morning
Thinking about how
You can’t do it right, and you forgot to
Text the best part of everything
Goodnight.

haven't penned much of anything
the last few days,
my favorite pen went on strike
demanding more hours..
holding back every speck of
preciously needed ink.
or maybe it just ran dry,
and I need a newer one to do the job.
oh my
Is that ageist ?
I didn't mean anything by it..
oh look I guess this ones working again,
must not of cared for the bias.

I wish I could take your kiss
****** you with my hungry gaze
pull you down hard by your need
gravitational pull speeding
Straight down toward ecstasy
landing ******* your knees .
wish I could make you moan
until your begging me please.
While I’m like molasses
Smooth slow and sweet,
creating anticipation good enough to eat.

I wonder how that soft glow
You ware like mouth watering
Cologne and fresh baked cookies
Still permeates the are around you
I miss you I wish I could have you.
Wish I could tie you up and
Capture it, just a tiny bit
To keep me warm on nights
Your to far away to feel.
I wish I could let my words
Turn soft on my lips so
You would know there real.

I was dust on the bottom of your
******* shoe
The aglets of your untied
***** mangled lace
Grinding violently on my
Unnoticed surface space,
And I just sat there clinging to
The part of you , you’d let me see
Wishing to be something.
Seems silly now that I didn’t know
If I wanted to grow up
All I had to do was
Let it the **** go,
Lay on musk moss and dirt
Forget the things I said
About being hurt and hard
Get over myself and see that  
I’m so ******* perfect
Sensational, inalienable and only
Every fool I’ve ever known wouldn’t love me.
My self included sorry.
Maybe I was made to fall apart,
Crumble to dust, spontaneously combust
Die and when  buried  
Discover the seed in the dust
Burst forth in green sprouts
In search of sun rays
After sun rays
Like new growth
After hard rain
Or flowers
Escaping sidewalks chains
Braking through like new days
I have fresh tears
Over growing pains.

She was so upset, while tears ran down her face.
Her ugly crocodile tears socializing in the corner
Of her Bambi blue eyes.
Biting into whatever muscle feels most like guilt.
My heart I think… but
It still hasn’t thawed
From months of her
frigid shoulder and icy
Glances.
I can’t get past this
instantaneously
Because you decided
I’m worth something in this second.
Cant take that pain again you
Are mentally mad, you said I was nothing.
I’m sorry I keep thinking
You must be on something,
A bad trip, malice
Seems like motive Alice,
But I’m getting the fuuuuccckk
Out of wonderland.
I can’t stand you like this , no bye bye kiss
**** it up baby girl, I know your strong
Then you were just so big…
Now you say your small
But you
Already crushed my world.
You keep spewing words at me yapping,
After this and that, pulling every trick from your hat,
But I wont have it I’m
Not going to be chasing no white rabbit.
No need to create bad habits.
You made me crazy
I’m talking like jabber jabber-jabberwocky
Seriously kid, you slay me.

You wanted to talk to me just long enough to ease the guilt
You put yourself under. I wonder if you even felt
A genuine feeling the whole time you cried.
If you were ever even sorry that you lied, or if
You just hate the idea of missing my kiss,
Or missing this feeling of bliss when I smile,
If it was ever real you wouldn’t risk,
My disappointment in you for a kiss
Against every promise you have made and broken,
And made again, it was my mistake
To take your word once you broke it,
Keep my heart you stole it. Was it a race?
Because you’re reckless I’m a wreck and like always,
I’m whose left to clean the mess.
I asked if you could be here for me,
But you hung up you said to sleep,
I hope you can think of that while you dream,
Because your on the list of things
That I don’t need,
But thought I wanted
Now I’m haunted with that empty promise
And I can’t sleep.
You said seems like things just changed,
I would say it seems your right.
Beacuse your still lying over the same **** things.

He said he wanted to catch my tears.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s never been one for giving up,
Lots of boys talk to him and he
Makes jokes,
He can’t keep his head straight
But he thinks he’s straight where it counts.
I think he likes to circle around the truth
With loud distractions
And things I want to hear.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s got me talking in circles,
Never was one for linear thinking.
So I’m not straight.
Maybe I should give up and start talking to girls.
In high school maybe I should have
Listened to their jokes.
I can talk straight,
But to him it never seemed to count.

Waiting on skype
While you hurdle your life
Neatly packed into bags
Across your vacant room.
Wondering if there is still
Space enough for me to fit.
If I can exist the same,
When you step off the
Other side of the plane.
Wondering if there
Is space enough
To place a fist full
Of broken words and
Eyes that mist,
A thousand things
I’m going to miss
And a hug I can’t quite reach
And I think..
I wish..
That this…
Can't be..
Goodbye
I guess.

He has sweetness in his eyes and excitement
Dancing through the half smile he is teasing me with,
Seducing in the glimpses of white teeth exposed by
Curved dancing lips, begging to be kissed,
Tingling anticipation creating an ache
You step closer and my breathing quakes,
My chin level with your broad muscled chest
Smooth like marble defined, statuesque,
You peel off my layers of uncertainty
Starting with the top button confident hand under
Soft cotton searching, creating and finding
What I never knew that I was hiding,
Grabbing up every feeling I ever hid away,
Piled up or buried, you tipped me over,
And let me spill out onto you, you told me
I was a dark blue and tasted like shadows and honey.
You spun me when your hand was running,
Leaving trails of icy heat along me,
Called softly to my brokenness,
Your breath heated my cold shoulder and
I heard a beat inside my chest
Must have thawed my heart with your kiss.
Your hands explore my thigh,
Creating soft sighs and brightening dim eyes,
I didn’t know my light had went out,
Until this day when your gaze
Was the first spark to a flame
Burning my body, killing my shame,
You set fire creating a raging blaze.
You got inside me,
And burnt down what remained.
For so long I was afraid.
Than you pulled me down,
Emptied me out and made me
Feel again.