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What was it worth?
You are just a million pieces that never settle.
A good bye and a get well
A hush hush whispering a don’t tell
Squelched by the fact that
You were far from well
Far from health
living in
The bits of hell you swallowed yourself
Straight from the warm can
Clung to like a man lost at sea
Clings to a fist full of dry sand.
Breaking like a full gale
Against a torn sail
Crumbling drunkenly
to your weak  knees
Muttering obscenities
And listing your brokenness
Only stopping to
Wipe the wanderlust
From your hazed vision.
What hope did I have?
What love did we live in?
Tell me was it fate that stole you
Did they take away the bird in your chest
Or was it you?  
That held hope hostage
Shackled the bird to her nest let me
Be the first to tell you
You let me down
Let me be the first to notice
That you were worth
More when you were still around.
I let you see me, you let me in
and we agreed on nothing
But we understood everything,
And I didn't say it yet but you were my very best friend.
We stood on different ends of everything
It was maddening but across the distance
We would always see eye to eye
We fell wide open and into each other,
You never let me down
And although I was the water , you never let me drown.
Fire, you became my light and warmth and
The spark that inspired inner strength
You made me think, you made me laugh, and weep
And I keep thanking a God who doesn't listen
Who might not exist for your existence
As time passed and we changed
You turned into warm ashes
And me a light rain
I Finally feel grounded.
I used to feel like the grand canyon
All shades of brown  dust
That held itself wide open
With unimaginable strength,
Possessing incomprehensible beauty

I am now nothing but that single tear
Cascading down your perfect cheek
You don’t see into me
You merely see through me
And I am small
And I will be flexible
And I will likely fall from great heights
Like rain drops
And when I strike the ground
I will remember how many
Years , how many
tears it took to make
Me
Brave enough to be wide open
How I am vast span of pain and protest
How I fought for understanding and
Acceptance , that I could I posses
This incomprehensible beauty.
Light fades and every sun ray disintegrates
Into gray scale, pays tribute
To faithless hope or a hopeless faith
And I’m losing myself
Like clouds drop rain.
Not a tear shed for the parts they throw away,
Lying all my shadows across the things they say,
Until I’m hallow,
And I feel nothing
But this soft familiar thrumming,
It’s you calling
It’s always knowing when I have no home,
When I have gone insane,
That I can live in the way you say my name.
You watch me, lift me off my toes
Learn the things nobody knows
Chose the things nobody chose
Gather all my pain in your strong arms
Whisper your happy my soul touched yours and that
I’m altogether more than this compilation of scars.
No matter how far I fall
Into dark
No matter how much life
Costs
I swear I see you.
And when I feel small under skies full of stars,
I feel found , tucked under your arm.
I feel safe under your gaze
And I can spend days in your space,
Saying everything,
Saying nothing,
At a comfortable distance,
In the thrill when we’re touching.
And your my best friend I’ve always loved
To keep loving.
Everything changes,
But this familiar thrumming
M.
I don’t know if you knew what the words meant
Or how true they were to you
I only know the way I’d shiver when you said my name
When you whispered like you knew
Where I might have been
The ways that I could grow
Begin...
How do you describe it? The feeling you get deep down inside yourself when your looking down at her? When you hold her frail hand in yours and grasp it as if you could lend some stability to her fragile mortality. When you see her and see everything that escapes those around you.
You see yourself in her, in her dimming eyes because when she is gone she takes a part of you with her. You feel responsible for the wrinkles around that shade of somber blue because you know the exact way she squints a little when she’s laughing; when she smiles. You know the way she gathers her anxious feelings in the crease between her brows. You see all your childhood, all your life and love and existence mapped out on her aged skin like a map to the parts of yourself you could never quite find, never quite understand. You see the scar on the tip of her index finger where she prodded herself on the tip of a seam ripper while mending your torn heart. You are perceptive to the way she has shrunk under the weight of all of her disappointments and hopelessness’ in equal parts with your own and you wonder how, in the perfect silence interrupted only by her shallow breaths, you will ever see anything else. You begin to wonder how you will ever find yourself. And you shudder when her stare focuses in and out like her consciousness, like her memories giving you glimpses of the things being torn from you. Like a phantom limb a place in your chest aches where things once were only to discover empty space a lack of movement when you try to use it. I see anger at her life, at her death, I see loneliness and hopelessness, I see laughter and tears, confusion and purposelessness, I see abandonment and acceptance, I see vulgarity and patience,
I blink
And see only the greatest of absence I have ever known,
And I remain where I am with my eyes clinched closed
Afraid  only to see what I can’t.
Sit still life moves swiftly
And while its shifting remember
You stumble when your sprinting to fast
Into dark past or free floating with eyes
Looking back.
Brush the dirt off
After you held your ground
And remember
You swim to well you won’t actually drown.
Screaming save me is only
An utterance of despair,
Particularly if you know
Your wasting air the on people
you know are not there.
I can’t even save myself
I’m barren I’m broken
I’ve let go,
I’m breaking ground
I’m buried
I’ve died inside
You have to breath to drown.
I feel crazy
Crazy crazy
Indeed the words lost meaning as surly as
I have lost my feeling.
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