Eulogy
Its difficult in moment like these to come up with something  honest and insightful to make everyone feel better. It’s difficult to find the encouragement necessary to get a bunch of ******’s like you to smile when I have a perfect understanding of what you have lost.  Grandmas passing came with a unique set of challenges I can admit I was not prepared to face. Her death left me feeling as equally perplexed as her life.
When grandma started to really get sick and I had to start wrapping my head around her passing I was afraid of a lot more than I am now. I was afraid I was losing the opportunity to know her sober, I was afraid to lose a member of your strange, perfect, functionally challenged  family with its unique jerry springer dynamics. I was afraid I would lose the feeling that someone understood me, the way family only really can. I was afraid I was losing the person and the pace that tethered me to my origins and everything I think I know about myself. I felt like I was losing a person who provided for me my first understanding of the world and introduced me to the intricacies of the human experience I was losing my reasons to be angry the reasons I loved her. I would be losing the way she accepted every imperfect bit of me completely. I would be losing someone who was there for good or bad to watch me collect my scars and change my mind. I knew I was losing one of the most important women in my life and I was absolutely terrified and in a way I did lose those things.
But in a weird way it was as I was losing her that I feel like I finally found her.  I found her in places I had never thought to look before. I found her in myself when I laugh at things that aren’t funny. I find bits of her younger photos in pictures of me in the way my eyes set on my face In the anxieties we shared. I see her in Jasmines complete acceptance of those around her, I find her in Jessica’s ability to take up an entire room, I hear her in cody’s never ending sarcasm. I see her In the way teia will spend days in a creative endeavor,   I watch her in kalebs quiet observances and in the way he distracts  me from my own grief, I see her sometimes when dad is sad but he still smiles and the stony flash in my mother’s eyes when she’s being  super stubborn. I find her in all of our strange occurrences all these idiosyncrasies . I find her in the way we all have strange relationships with one another just as strange as the ones she had with each of us. I know now better than ever before what she gave me what she gave us and its at least as monumental as the things we have lost lost. I know now here with all of you where I belong, where she belongs and  who she was.  And although I can’t say  for certain if she is with God I can’t shake the feeling that perhaps she is with us and if not than at least I find comfort knowing  we all have something of her in us. I hope you find that as terrifying  and disturbing but mostly comforting as I do. Because for better or worse she’s marked us  and also it’s really difficult in a moment like these to come up with something both honest and insightful that makes a bunch of weirdos like us feel  any better.

I remember when you were the very first I encountered
with tainted innocence,
with blood on your cheek,
it made you seem frightened made you seem
meek,
Sent idealisms against hard cement
split into tiny bits
your light had encountered  dark night
or perhaps a few
and I found an understanding
I had never had in you,
I wanted to show you
I understood the sadness
in your somber eyes,
but your softness always made me smile
and I bathed in your broken edges
In your perfect light;
and yearned for your rough finger tips
I slipped into thoughts you revoked
and I thought I could belong
in your sweetness
I learned you yearned for something
I might not posses and confessed to having broken pieces
I jest at scenarios you thought not best
and I  treasured  you, through
time
through distance
I wanted you
my wanting you persisted
and I’m missing you
I have drown in sorrow and broken hearts,
I’ve given way to false start and lost
Bits of myself along this winding path.
I’m broken and had been choking on the
Words you refused to hear
I’ve floated for a good many years,
And I thought I understood the way the world turned,
Until you took my hand
And all of it went still.
I lost my composure , I found my thrill
And my heart still shutters
The rhythm stutters but still
It utters a single word
It says stay
If it had a sentence I know it’d
Say I  sing  for  you.
And I want nothing more than those
Sad somber eyes, your rough fingertips
And all I can’t say could exist if I were just brave enough
To  press  my  lips  to  your  lips.

***** makes me say the things
I would say if I were brave
***** makes me admit to things
I thought I’d never say
It makes me miss you, makes me frisky
Makes me unafraid so
If I could do anything it would be
Take shots with you
Let things lay and sort them out
With a string of drunken truths
Stay unafraid unlike the every day
And just lie down with you

Feeling dizzy like
I may have took to many shots and thinking
My ideas are better sober
Better when my head is clear and I know
What I shouldn’t say
But I never really know so
Maybe the truth should have its day
Im feeling dizzy and
I’m  praying to a god who doesn’t listen
Who may not even exist
That you might just miss me,
That when I am most afraid all I want's
For you to kiss me.

I got drunk, ecxited thinking
I would be sinking into something
I was to afraid of thinking
Making some progress moving
Through all the feelings looming
Everyday perhaps sheding
Some light
On why my chest gets tight
Instead I just keep thinking
About sneaking in and waking
This perfect handsome man
And sleeping in his arms
Were I want so desperately  to belong
Wondering if he is looking forward to uncovering
Me

But I’m paitiantly waiting to see the
Look on his face
Taste the in the air
Make a move change the pace,
take me
I’m begging, I’m shifting,lifes changing
I’m aiming to change the way things
Have always been
You are the best reason I’ve ever had to hold my breath and jump in.

I wish I could fall open
Like the petals of a rose
And rise up and gush
like a finger pricked
like crimson blood,
You told me with your patience
That I was pretty and we would
Never hate them.
I lied when I told you
I was angry.
I am terrified to be so filled with sorrow
To be drowning day in and out
To fill tomorrow with remembering
With forgetting,
Without mentioning that I love you
And you are gone
And all that’s left are butterflies
And a bunch of songs with fresh meaning
A million tears and
a sense of defeat, raining
Like a giant typhoon
Of not knowing what the **** to do
Without you.

I was waiting for the last chance
For the pressure to build
For the words to explode
For my feelings to spill
To feel the beginning the reeling
I’m heading in
A million directions.
I only wanted something to hold onto when I am
So scared
It’s impaired my breathing
Seething in guilt
Denying self-healing
Someone save me
Someone shake me
Make me believe
in something
It has to be me, but I’m bleeding
Over all the chances I had to say good bye
And I wish I would have been there
To tell you I was proud.
Now I’ll drown
Silently
And I will be remembering you.