Entangled in this lost love this
New trust all wrapped in
New lust this gray scale
Between being alone and in love
The enigma I am,
Existing between the borders
Of feeling enough leaning up against that hard line
Marking off space for the insufficients,
Deaf,loners and mutes and
All those awkward adolescents,
Loitering on the far side of sanity.
Any body ostracized for being different than
what ever normal means.
Or those lonley people like me.
your meek and vulnerable,
Dyeing
For something on the other side
I fiddle around somewhere in the middle
Sometimes I’m so sad
And I just don’t cry.
It just wont work
And then when you have me laughing
Side aching gasping
I think of all the little things
And now that I feel safe
I can take a breath,
I want to cry about everything.
What the hell does that mean?
There finely something to feed
the ache in my chest.
I feel livelier I feel brighter
And sadder in the same ways
But I’m like a beacon shining through the broken
Hanging to the notion that broken dreams
Can heal too and when they get together
They can transform like a caterpillar
Into the butterflies in you.
When you smile it’s like a glimpse at a truth
I keep chasing after but have never really seen
Heading contrary to this person I became.
You excite me into being something I am but have never lived
And I’m fighting to see who she is
I’m pinning myself against the answers to the questions
About who this new person really is.
And wondering the part in it you will play,
Kicking my self for my uncertainty in the claim
Of being broken or brave
At this silent admission of my wanting you to stay.

You are exceptionally perplexing
All the things you say in the silent space
Between us
And the subtle shift you are always making
In this direction
I didn’t think you’d take us.
You are something real and tangible
Something concrete and manageable
So why can’t I comprehend your existence
When every day you lure me in with coy smile
And patient persistence
Hand out and silently asking me to take it
While you step waist deep into
A soft wake of a million risks
I’m about to take.
I keep thinking I’m dreaming and when I wake
When I blink
I’ll be drowning
And no one will be around
To tell me
You'll  be  ok.  
Just an empty shadow of a thing that wasn’t real
To take the place of your hand,
Of a man
So perplexing
I’m afraid to think I understand.

The way you kiss reminds me of how
My lips formed a million times and more
To his.
He changed me.
Your so different but I keep anticipating
Something in me cascading
I get it there is nothing more worth chasing after
Lets face it
I’m stumbling over a bit more than the strange way
Your full lips press
Against mine.
I’m dyeing over time spent
Fighting false panic caught and pinned
By broken bones and scar tissue.
In my head there’s me and my own issues
And the simple fact that I can’t stop looking at you.

Lime green because life is to overwhelming
To be anything but free flowing
I bet you chase it,
Shouting out it’s too precious to waste it
I think I should spend more time with you
Deep blue could learn a thing or two
About contentment and a proper self-assessment.

You are all wrapped up in your hostility remarkably
Handsome with that impish grin, hand playing
With the hem of the defensiveness I’m in.
You always step just a bit to close to test
Something in this
To gest at something
Better than this competition,
You would like us to both win.
Bite your lip again I like to think
You are more than a mistake that’s not mine to make,
Sometimes
I think…
I should let you win
And if you came here to press on my skin,
Pull at the edges of my uncertainty,
I might just let you in.

If I let you run along me, like two raindrops
Crossing paths on the condensation
On the icy pains,
Would you drop to earth
Like march rains
Would I only want for sunlight
To dry you
From my face.
Would you grow inside me
And fill this empty space
Or would we simply become one?
Or in the act of our colliding would I
Just come undone?

I was a shadow
An echo
An after thought
Of all my hopes and dreams,
Promises and insecurities,
I let myself down,
And even I watched in silence as I drown.
I woke with fresh life
And an urge to purge old baggage I hate
All the weight
I can’t have that.
So I Just let it go, and
Woke with my head exposed
And bobbing
On calmer waters,
Climbed onto shore got warm
And remembered feeling is hard,
I think being numb was harder.
I am quivering in anticipation
Lost all my patience in waiting
To experience something
Self illuminating.
I can’t tell if I’m falling apart
Or together but I’m feigning
Through life exploring my ache
At the thought of changing.
I’m moving on I’m done waiting.
I’m alive
This is
Exhilarating.