I just want my life to feel like my own,
To remember I shine as much as I've shown.
I want to move through my day,
With grace and the biggest smile on my face
Filled with those feelings you used to give me.
When a walk in the rain and Popsicles
Where the building blocks of perfect days
And the sun shone on your wrinkled face
And there wasn't anything you couldn't do,
There was nothing you wouldn't say
To make me smile,
I haven’t felt that way in quite a while.
You have been gone, for so long,
Your memory’s a bit fading like the bathroom tile,
In that old house.
They clear cut the forest where we used to tromp,
Thinking about it makes my heart ache and breathing stop.
And your old glasses still sit on my desk,
One of the lenses popped out.
And I sobbed like I had never cried.
Grandpa I miss your silly face
And all the crazy **** you used to say.
You make me love all the darkness in people,
You were a big white place in hell's highest steeple
And I just want to say
That as time passes and nothing lasts
I still think of you when I want to sink.
And it’s in bits of my past
That I remember who I am and how to smile,
And to say I love you, because it’s been awhile.

I find tonight I’m too sad to find sleep.
I wish I would have looked before it was too late,
Because it’s too far the times passed and I can’t think
Of anything except I miss you, in this silly way
And it would have been really nice to just hear you say
Goodnight.
And I would have smiled
And said the same thing,
I’d close my eyes and drift to sleep.
Now I’ll be up all night just whishing
I’d have thought to listen.
And hating that I miss you.
Praying to an empty room
That I could for a moment
**** the distance.  
Lean into you and whisper
And pretend that even in your silent slumber
You could listen
And you would know I meant it.
Goodnight.

You've never met him…. she whispers,
Gathering concern in the creases between her brows.
Her eyes pulling everything out of the surface of my skin,
Trying to gauge my actions out, trying to change them
Looking for me to shift my words
Refusing to put herself in
My perspective, filling me with doubt.
I pull my thoughts of you out
Become the reflective introspective I am at heart.
Lost in your gentle voice wrapped in honest laughter,
In all the promises you so kindly never make,
Reveling in the bits of me you so sweetly never break.
So gently never bring me down, in the way you sing
And make me smile so hard my cheeks ache
I remember the exact way you shake your head,
When your sleepy and questioning something that I've said.
Perhaps it’s the exuberance in voice, how you light up when I laugh.
How you watch me when I waver and move forward like I never have,
How every second you use words to ask for answers
To questions no one else cares to ask,
How you let me pull back layers and you show me all your masks
And build me the biggest fort out of your silk sheets
And blankets for me to hide for two childish adults retreat
And day dream and discover  the colors in our eyes.
I begin to wonder how it came to be,
That you would see me clearer
Than she does.
She can’t understand how
From so far away you touched me
Softer, sweeter, hotter calmer,
Than anyone else had.
My stomach trembles at the thought of it,
At the thought of you and the tone you take
And the words you chose.
At the things you say, at the person you are
And the distance you break.

Well ..
I whisper my response making my gaze stronger
Inhaling a bit longer head spinning heart beating harder,
I've met him silly
He just lives far
He's seen me
And I him.
I've met him , pshh hes like
My best friend.

Its crazy reflecting on all my misguided thoughts of you,
I was all wrong about you,
Now baring my deepest insecurities,
And most brazen actions you only
Hold me up and **** the lonely,
Again and again you give me hope
In humanity and my sanity
In profanities hidden powers and
Boys duality in this sick twisted existence.
Your persistence astounds me,
How was I so lucky ?
You don’t even know you’re gorgeous
And sweet and the strongest,
Modest
Most honest individual
I have encountered in eons.
The list rolls forever on
I want to be like this forever, so never stay away.
I just wanted to say thank you,
For not judging me today, when
Judgment was easy.
And thank you for taking the time
To stop and really see me.

I am not as broken as I think I am,
I'm capable of more than I feel I can.
Escaping the numbness
Just lets in the flood,
So I feel it fresh again.
Just breath slowly…
No one here even knows me.
I am not so abandoned
So abused,
I am not so used
As to be rendered useless.
This is my truth
Its what I murmur to myself,
To the darkness in my room,
Into the comforting embrace
Of my tear soaked quilt.
I will not be undone,
I will not be made to wilt.
when I have only just begun.  
tomorrow will be brighter,
I will always persevere,'
I've always been the fighter.

Nothing matters,
I’ve seen you,
All the movement and stillness,
All the serenity and forgiveness,
All your health mixed in with the weakness
In your walls. I know
The texture of half the scars
On your tender heart.
You can have whatever you like,
You deserve so much more,
Than I could offer,
You are so much stronger,
Than I can explain,
You can take up space in my heart
If you wish,
Fill this distance with want of a kiss,
You can have my hesitation,
My trust.
You can have my aspirations and my lusts.
You can do with them whatever you like,
Please, though, please don’t cry.
Never cry.

Tilting and turning, my perspective slightly shifting.
Questioning what’s happening.
Hating that for a moment I trust your intention
More than
Every bit of myself,
A strange shuffling that sounds
Like a collapse,
I don’t understand deep inside my self,
I clutch my chest,
But I ignore it, eyes low deserting my
Self-respect.
Trying to process feelings from my stomach
In my head.
You lied about listening to the silence,
This one was screaming broken by past violence,
Perhaps that’s why I felt like crying.

We go on like we don’t know,
Like I can’t taste the acidic tension,
Like you were to deaf beyond empty chatter
To hear the shatter,
Of my fragile trust, the slow dyeing of my gentleness.
Pleading with myself to let it go,
To carry on like I shouldn't know.
Wishing it didn't feel like lying to never let it show.
But I was shrinking, and shifting, and hating myself
Because it happened and it was me.
Because it happened and it was you.
Because I was nearly silent,
And it breaks me up, to hear you crying.
*** I only want to bring you higher,
Don’t let yourself become a regret
And I won’t become,
Everything I should have said.