theres so much similarity
between when we cry
to when we ****

no emotion
when i shove my hand down your pants
and yours in my hair
just pleasure

but its the thought
the remembering

of a first kiss
first hit

a hold on my neck
teeth to yours

a first date
a blushing glance

your hands down my pants
i kiss at your jaw

a sunrise together
an i love you or two

you throw your head back
i dive in

it brings tears to my eyes

my body compresses

maybe because
when we ****
i feel more pleasure
than i ever have in my whole life

id rather cry after *******
than think about it after feeling.

my mother told me i should erase my mistakes
yet she would never erase her own
because im still here
she wont let me go
and im suffering like this

*the child i am isnt the one she was writing

the rain beats down
and makes my hands sting
down to the center of my proximal phalange
creating incisions under my fingernails
so they form a pool of lavender and ashy blue
and the cold does not help
droplets will hit the ground and freeze
cutting down into my hallux
making my steps just as icy as my voice
and when the sun starts to run off
it leaves me alone with darkness
i cannot see
i hit walls
my head
and my knuckles
until i tumble down
and down
like a droplet
into the center of my proximal phalange
but this time
i dont feel a thing

i detest how she
belittles her freckles
when i see them as a galaxy
and i want to count every star
and watch every wish i make come true
as she laughs and calls me cute
because i lost count
when i looked up into her eyes
although i really just got lost

im afraid
that people ****

*and im a person too

i feel like im in outer space again
because she brought me down to earth
but now shes set me free
and im back to seeing the universe once more

you inhale the glitters of the moon
and exhale the rays of the sun
baby you are my sunshine

i dont want to think about you
yet i do
again and again
you swarm through my brain
stinging every little crowded vein
until you take away my sight
taking every little bit of fright
from me
i dont like to speak of you
but i do
youve bought a condo on my tongue
with a clear view of my speech
and i see nothing more through the windows of my eyes
than the back of your head
and it hurts
i dont want to know you.

my actions & my words
cut deeper than the ice in my driveway
im more painfully blinding
than piles of snow on a sunny day
and you and i only wish
that in the summertime i went away

im so sorry
to be the eternal winter
leaving blisters in your lungs
goosebumps on your mind
and icicles hanging from your eyes

the cold air blows past me
as i knock over
land on my knuckles
and i start to bleed
while the ice intrudes on my bloodstream
im freezing
and so is time

i miss the spring

i know you said that piano was the best thing you could do
but i also know that you could never play out the kind of disruptive symphony
that you have with this lie of a relationship
you played me through and through like the first song you wrote;
practice, practice, practice
then crumple me up and throw me out
because i wasnt good enough

the waters running
and running
im thinking
a flush
a splash
a scorching pain in my back
pink and white embedded in my skin
the inner back of my skull is screaming
and pounds on all four walls
climbing up and down my spine
like release is down there
the skin on my shoulders start leaving
the nerves in my hands have stopped shaking
my eyes are running
and running
almost as fast as the water that pours down onto the back of my neck

im thinking

the grass is wet
so are between her thighs
but im more afraid of going down in wet grass

hows it feel
does it feel good
to belittle someones body
diminish all their aspirations and hopes
light aflame all their securities
do you feel as human
as i feel inhuman
or did it not occur to you that i said *no

i leave it all to you
all these worries and woes
all the structures i call home
the glory ive held in my arms since birth
and all the love ive endured these past few months
the small bits inside where i fell, sometimes on purpose, knowingly
and then completely without suspicion
from the scars on my fingertips
to the smiles hidden underneath my feet
these discouraged glances exchanged between darkness and i
that bucket that hung from the thinnest string
the water bringing it so close to dropping
i drop it all
i leave it
in a box wrapped in bad memory and ribbon
i gift it to you
gift it to you because im ******* tired
and so bad with holidays
happiness wont run to me as i sit on my *** no matter how hard i hurt
i must move
i must go
burn the previous if you wish
for i must forget.

you kissed his ***
and said you loved me
square in the face you slapped me
and elaborated on the details of his hair and how it smelt
you tore at my ears
you said dont pierce them
and barked on about how you loved his nose ring
you called his glasses adorable
yet you molded mine into contacts
your hands sauntered through the little hair i had
i vowed i wouldnt grow it out like i wanted
of course thats when you talked about his mane
i remember once i formed a zit in the center of my forehead
i have a good feeling it was from the stress you gave me
from all those nights you took my love and hung it to freeze in the cold wind
you gagged at it, said it disgusted you
but you said his acne was cute
i could pin myself up in so many different ways
but honestly
i dont think ill ever be pretty for you

my back is so sore
from dragging along my burdened lungs
i pant and wheeze
doing all i can to release
all the weight i can
but nothing ever seems
to work
my lungs tie themselves down
forgetting the chains they have on my blood
so for each step
that my foot drops down
each step
that i nearly drop these lungs
let them sink
and go
i nearly drop myself
and drown

his whisper lingers in the air
over and over i inhale his breath
knowing if i didnt
id soon suffocate
his hands growing to be the carbon dioxide
that fills the drink going down my throat

its not him that i fear
nor the hell he put me through
but the way he left me
as i cant stand any better
than how he said i would when he was through with me
but that was years ago
now my minds more cloudy
than the smoke that emitted from his mouth

that night
i was supposed to "see heaven and its stars"
now im wishing to be one of those stars
or the devils servant below if i must
or even a speck of dirt soon to be lost
in a nonexistent form of life
with no closure
but no pain

it sounds so much better
than living in the shadow of his words
and by the grasp of his hands

god im so sick
its been this way before winter hit
my nose has been running and running
i cannot smell a thing
i cannot see a thing
and im starting to question
if what im really taking in
is his alcoholic breath

*it wouldnt be the first time i guess.

did you know
how menacing
his shining blue eyes were
some say they were
the color of the ocean
id agree
as i definitely drowned

i am a piece of the sky
i am kind to the human eye

my hands are just too small
to hold my own life in them
and maybe thats why
i just cant seem to get a grip on anything

i feel naked
entirely and all over
despite how modest my clothes are
it feels as if theyd been torn open
and off my body
as i drape on layers and layers of myself
i still shake from the hands underneath
and the breath that trickled down my neck
it happens again and again
just the same as before
without warning
and unwelcomed

up i go
like the curve of her lips
the way her teeth emerge  
bring out the best in me
its only when her lips fall down
that i fall too
up and along where her smile goes
i go too
but its when her smile emerges
that the best of the world does too

call me bitter
in the middle of winter
because im just as sweet as the snow
and the grey clouds living above
dig down a little deeper
find the mud
dead bugs
withered away

i never liked winter anyway

the grass is wet
is it from between her thighs
or under my eyes
either way
from both streams of beauty
i am not strong against these currents

i told my mother to see
what ive done
isnt it a catastrophe
ive got on my fathers sweater
knowing im just his height
just his size
just as weak
and fading a lot faster than the next guy

my mother never looked
she was always too fascinated
by my father
or at least
whats left of him.

i remember a time
when my father was sent to the hospital
certainly for more than a day

i walked my feet under the light of the moon
to wish my mother goodnight
i told her i was going to sleep
she said that she might
and despite the crippling darkness
i could see it in her eyes

there was a love that had been worn
for 33 years
but was stronger than what we're used to
nevertheless, there was a burning crave
for one another like they had been 19
and their love was selfish, curious and brand new

ive never seen my mother so vulnerable
unsure of how ghosts may treat her
will they even visit?
whether shell learn to live without them,
learn to love outside the physical world,
or love them inside, from a distance

*theres an undying love in the foundation of my house

am i no longer apart of your life
as you skip over my bleeding body
care
and then leave
honestly i liked it better when you lied
when you said i meant something to you
and responded to my greetings
and when you think about it
when you really think about it
in your little dictionary of a brain
is my name there
am i defined
or do i have no definition
is there at least a pronunciation
or am i another language
how many times have you read it
how many times have you read it through
because i recall studying
studying you
cramming in as much as i could into my head
just so i could fail a test on a completely different subject
tell me
where do i stand
because i cant tell when youre screaming at me to kneel
and i try to get up
but the earthquakes you call love shatter all the stable ground i have
stop telling me to get out when i havent even walked in
and for future reference
my definition
is a fragment of your heart.

i remember i saw her eyes
i swear i saw her eyes
and then i didnt
it was brief

and then i saw something new
something else
something beyond what i knew as lovely
or beautiful
or kind

farther than the skies above the trees
yet deeper than an oceans crevasse

give me a year or two
yet i wouldnt be anywhere near done exploring
in fact
id ask for another year

because i swear
i swear
in her eyes i saw something else

*i know there is no god
but i believe there was one briefly
just for her
just to create her
and her lovely eyes.