i dream of the end of the world
the only place i find solitude
time for myself is when
i am getting a tattoo
and bleeding myself dry
with ink in my veins
my life is cracking at the edges
and crumpling at the core
and i am not so sure who i am
while sit in solitude in my basement
and drink myself sober
while i put out a cigarette on my arm
because the smoke in my lungs
isnt killing me fast enough
while my friends do nothing
but make sure i go comfortably
to an early grave
while i remember the backrub you gave me
and how you laid in his arms
while i eat a bag of beef jerky
even though im a vegetarian
and the taste of blood in my mouth
makes me sick to my stomach
yet i keep eating because
something had to die
while i try to write this suicide note
with all the eloquence of a poem
and cry for help in the smallest voice
all the while knowing that
i will just ***** our in the end
and end up with one more scar
of many that are there or not
but they all ghost on my soul
shame
i dream of the end of the world

drinking in the shower causes conflicting emotions
hot and cold mix but don't form lukewarm
instead they swirl and dance mingle and twist
with heat in my head and frost in my throat
i take another sip and wince then grin
as opposite sensations pull me apart
in the most pleasant way

that puzzle piece of life
we had it all -
cute couple status
days spent in our eyes
nights in our arms
we resonated deep
but now i can't stand
to listen to half my iPod
burned cds sit and wait
while gathering dust
while marlboro blacks
break my heart
i grind my teeth to dust
wish upon a fallen star
that this **** never happened, love

i'm in a dangerous state of mind
with no care for living this life
where human emotions are traded
for less than a pack of rubbers
but you didn't even use those
so how much did i truly mean
when the push came to shove
and grinding hips
with moaning lips
that whispered, screamed,
and cried his name
on the night you ****** my heart away
where loyalty takes a literal backseat
to pleasure
and a long term relationship
is laughing stock material
ha ha standup, ain't i funny
to look for something more than this
but i would choke on my own tongue
before i'd speak bad of you
my backstabbing lover
unfaithful friend
i hope to god it he was worth it
the cost was more than just tears
but blood spray on the bathroom mirror
and an empty place where i once
used to love
permanently empty
i can't find the will to care
more than a few half-hearted,
correct that, heartless
obscenities muttered under my breath
with ****** on my mind
a 3:30am fantasy to help dull
the pain that i should be feeling
maybe i'm just a pessimist,
fatalist, cynical, and negative
but my lack of surprise cuts the most
lied to by my mind for those
two months of my life
that i thought i had it all
better to have loved and lost
but even better to **** it all
and just go out with your name on my lips
and your lies in my heart
i hope you think of me when you're with him
that you choke on your tears
plagued with the worst emotions and loss
a better killer than any gun

well **** this and **** that
the spirit of not caring
because caring gets you hurt
with the best of intentions
and time never returned
when will i learn to be
sufficiently cynical
to say **** this and *******
my heart is closed
and no ones allowed in
i dont need anyone
better to have loved and loss?
but best to not care at all

you took my broken pieces
and saw them as whole
this cracked and defective machine
made of emotions, memories, and
a heart that beats
accepted as flawed
for there is beauty in this mind
that gravitates towards my own
worst enemy - me
and you discovered the good
in the bad
took it for what it was
love