Caught in the middle of lies, drama, and tears
You expect me to side with her
He's my friend too
She doesn't always tell the truth
I can't say yes or no
Or disagree or agree
Until I have all the facts
But you demand my loyalty to her
You demand me to forget about
The demons inside of me
Threatening to choke me, to grab hold of my mind and shake it up and let it explode like a shaken up coke bottle
You expect me to tell you all the deats
With a smile on my face, choosing your side
Don't force me to choose
Don't force me to agree
For if I choose against you, you think I am against YOU
And if I disagree with you, you think I disagree with YOU

You think I am disrespectful and indifferent
I'm not super excited to talk about the dramas of our family
When I am living in a hell, from time to time
When I am in a dark hole, slowly falling away into the abyss of my mind
You say, You don't have to be so secret all the time
I say, When I tell you what's really going on, you think I'm making stuff up
You expect perfection out of me and when I mess up, which I do all the time,
It is a big deal and I am the worst child in the world

At least Dad is being forgiving and our wounded souls are being healed
We're reaching out more towards one another
And not causing more negativity in our lives
Any future negativity is blamed on me
Because I'm so negative ALL THE TIME
What a lie
You don't see that the negativity is here all the time, I FEEL it ALL THE TIME
You're either too blind or too afraid to see
That you cause much of the negativity
Not all, but most

Life is screwy, life is a mess
But it is also beautiful and worth living for
But too often than not
I get caught in the middle of it all

Anger consumes my body, like fire from hell
My body keels over from lack of food
Food which I purposely neglected to provide
Hate, abuse, deceit and anger take over me
Pure ugliness, staring me in the face
People that are supposed to care, supposed to love
Who claim to care and claim to love
Yet seem to me as wolves in sheep’s clothing
Wanting to control me, dominate me, constrict me
Who crush me over and over again
And wonder why we are always butting heads
Sadness creeps in my heart, but it is not mine
And it saddens me more that I feel her hurt
My heart aches for love, for touch, for affection
It longs to love and to be loved
But all it receives is sadness and pain
Crying out for love, my body cries too
Not with tears, but with blood
A deep crimson red running out of me
Staining everything in its path
As this blood runs out of me, so does my strength, my energy
I am exhausted and long to sleep
But my mind is forever going, going, going …
Why? Why? Why? Why?
The question of a thousand why’s consumes me …
Threatening to crush my very soul.

The winds of time
they rush they slow
they run they blow

wither the wind goes
I will go
whether to far off lands
or here at home

i will go where the wind takes me
and i will heal those that need healing
be it father, mother, sister, nephew
uncle, aunt, cousin, friend
brother, neighbor, enemy, foe
or even if it's me, who needs the healing
yes, yes i will go

Chillin like a villain under this pavilion
Acting so dope cuz we got hope
Thanks to the women and men
Who went out there, fought and made a win
And now we've got freedoms people don't even know
How to show that respect, they just talk about their woes
So today, get outta yo head and think instead
Of all you got, cuz man, it's a lot
And praise the Lord everyday for blessing you in this way.

Birds chirping
Trees swaying
And a memory
A memory of
A far away place
Waiting, wanting
To be remembered
Blue skies
White clouds
Windows in the sky
Excitement rising
In my whole soul
Wanting to know
What is in
The window
Of the sky
Sharing my excitement
With others
Passionate, giddy
A whisper of love
Soft, spoken, in the wind
Wanting to share this treasure
With my love, my lover
He is distracted
But the excitement
Still rises
One, two, three
Emptiness, black
Eyes starting
To adjust
Birds chirping
Trees swaying
And a memory
A memory of ...
A dream.

Sometimes I feel like people are trying to pacify me, with a pacifier, when I'm actually throwing up.  But they don't see it. They literally do not see it.  And then they get mad at me for refusing to take the pacifier when it really isn't helping at all, in fact, it's making it worse.  You don't help people when you're not helping them.  When someone is throwing up, you don't give them something that will keep it in.  You help them throw up, you help them get that yucky stuff out of them, you get a towel, or a bowl, or take them to a toilet.  You rub their back, get them some tea, wash their face.  It's not pretty and it's not fun, but it's helping.  Pacifiers are quick and easy and take little to no effort on your part.  But when someone is throwing up, that takes patience, endurance, love, empathy, sacrifice, kindness, determination.  If you can't help, don't try to help at all, it may make it worse.

I am not talking about service here, I am and I'm not.  I'm talking about when someone is in a real problem, and they need the right help; if you can't give that right help, don't give the wrong help.   When someone is throwing up, don't give them a pacifier.

Sei nel mio cuore
Sei nei miei pensieri
Sei nella luce del sole
Sei nelle cose buone

Sei qui con me anche se
Sei lontanissimo da me
Come possiamo farlo?
Perché senza di te
Sono persa
Non sono io
Non sono a casa

Un giorno, ritornerò a trovarti
E saremmo insieme per sempre
Il mio cuore sara' pieno
I miei pensieri saranno chiari
La luce del sole brillerà piu forte
E le cose buone saremmo noi

Amore mio, ti amo
Ti ritornerò e sarai con me

quien habla siempre pierde
lo que no se dice
los árboles, las flores, las rocas
lo que está en el corazón
lo que el ojo no puede ver
despacio
escucha
respirar
ser

Scattered books
Empty bottles
Misplaced shoes
Hamper full
Drawers askew
Sheets fumbled
Books
Books
Books
And
More books
A forgotten uke
Hiding by the wall
Longing to be played
To be touched
Poster of Italy
Begging me
Calling me
To return
Paintings of a dear friend
Reminding me
Encouraging me
To be good, to be kind
To love
He helps me see the way
He helps me see the path
He reminds me to pray
Reminds me to study
His word
Yes, He is the Lord
Jesus Christ
My Savior
And friend.

Heavy sighs



Breathe in


Breathe out

Wrapped up in layers and layers of clothes
Hiding in even more layers of quilts and blankets
Snuggled tight
Feet poking out
Eyes drooping
Biting nails and
Fighting .....……
..............……………
...... the urge to let sleep take over

...........................................................­................
           ..........................
It's so early
But my mind is fragmented
Speaking in nonsense

With street clothes still donned
And two lamps still on

I fall

down

deeper and deeper

.....................................

until

beep beep

Oh no! I'm late for wor......
Oh, only six minutes has passed by
Good night

People ask me if I okay
I lie and say yes, everything is fine
I'm crying inside, begging for help
Praying that someone will rescue me
From the hole I dug and crawled into

damp fingers clench my soul
******* the breath right out
a heavy heart
cold hands
dripping in sweat
scared to death
scared to believe
this nightmare is real
it's happening to me

shadows beyond the light
quibbling, dancing, screaming, jostling
peep peep ... peep peep
"hello hello hello hello hello hello hello!"
"How are you, how are you, how are you?"
Don't answer because I don't really care.

With no risks, there is no life.
With no life, we are dead.
And we become soulless bodies
Roaming the earth like zombies
Craving that flesh that makes us feel
                        ALIVE

Have you ever wanted something you can't touch?
Yet it touches you, in your thoughts and even in your dreams
To want it is suicide, but you keep bringing it up, keeping walking the line
Life is a twisted paradox with complicated feelings and confusion
In the quiet moments of nothingness, he appears in my thoughts
Lingering and tempting me to turn back, to want to want him
To reach out and talk, but I can never get past, 'Hello, my name is ...'
Why do I hold on when I ought to let go?
Why can't I let it shake?
My heart beats faster, hope rising, why oh why do I do this?
He still has a hold over me and I just can't seem to let go ...

clean hands
broken hearts                          
***** hands
a mended heart
how is that
right things happen at the wrong time and
wrong things happen at the right time?

how can a vibrant soul have
demons deep inside
but still shine

how can the works of beauty
be tainted
with blood and crime

how can my love for you grow
and die
at the same time

thousands of questions
thousands of thoughts
all run through my mind
perhaps they should not

unwelcomed guests
scared to go to bed
for what i must face
when i'm in my head

I may sound like a crazy fool
But these feeling are real to me
Don't toss them aside and say to me,
That it's probably too much sugar in my diet
Or not enough exercise in my life
Even IF it is these things
I am in NO right place to receive them
I'll just dig deeper into the hole
No rabbit hole today, no,
There are not fun things to play with
But darkness deep inside, waiting for the day
When they can rule my body and mind
Not today, not today
No, one more day, please, one more day

the white field of light
love, purity, strength and hope
all abide, freely giv’n to those
who break through the barriers of darkness

Don't be afraid I'll take your hand
I'll be by your side all the days long
You help me and I'll help you
And together we'll make it through
Together we'll make it Home

It's late and you're in my mind
why can't you leave me alone

When the demons are dancing before your eyes
write a poem and they will die

time escapes me
hours go by
no food in the belly
im not hungry
I don’t know why

God lives
He died for you and me
he died on a tree
and then with the power bestowed in him
he raised the third day
and lives ever more
for you and me
if we will but accept him as our savior and king
we will be saved
we will be with God again

the treasures
the heartaches
the pain
the love
the happy moments
the sad memories
the thoughts and dreams for tomorrow

italy
missing you
missing me
remembering sweet moments
remembering
a better place to be

caught up in a nostalgia moment with you
my body is here but my mind, you knew
was living that life again
forgetting where it is i am
people knocking on the door
but i am not looking for a cure
no phones, no faces, no contact please
i am in my own journeys
that do not make sense to some
but i can assure you, i am not numb
i am alive and i feel
it just takes time for me to heal
so please just leave me alone
when i'm ready, it will be known

“The truth is messy. It's raw and uncomfortable. You can't blame people for preferring lies.”

But I like the raw truth, the truth that hurts and makes you think and change.  It's what makes me feel alive.

Till the end of my days I will ...
...serve you
...help you
...encourage you
...listen to you
...feed you
...take care of you
...hold you
...cry with you
...laugh with you

You are always in my heart and
For the rest of my being
I will love you forever.