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Jan 2016 · 383
Go Away
Bell'Alta Jan 2016
It's late and you're in my mind
why can't you leave me alone
Jan 2016 · 562
Not Okay
Bell'Alta Jan 2016
People ask me if I okay
I lie and say yes, everything is fine
I'm crying inside, begging for help
Praying that someone will rescue me
From the hole I dug and crawled into
Dec 2014 · 478
Opposition
Bell'Alta Dec 2014
With no risks, there is no life.
With no life, we are dead.
And we become soulless bodies
Roaming the earth like zombies
Craving that flesh that makes us feel
                        ALIVE
Dec 2014 · 302
Untitled
Bell'Alta Dec 2014
“The truth is messy. It's raw and uncomfortable. You can't blame people for preferring lies.”

But I like the raw truth, the truth that hurts and makes you think and change.  It's what makes me feel alive.
Jul 2014 · 456
Can't Let Go
Bell'Alta Jul 2014
Have you ever wanted something you can't touch?
Yet it touches you, in your thoughts and even in your dreams
To want it is suicide, but you keep bringing it up, keeping walking the line
Life is a twisted paradox with complicated feelings and confusion
In the quiet moments of nothingness, he appears in my thoughts
Lingering and tempting me to turn back, to want to want him
To reach out and talk, but I can never get past, 'Hello, my name is ...'
Why do I hold on when I ought to let go?
Why can't I let it shake?
My heart beats faster, hope rising, why oh why do I do this?
He still has a hold over me and I just can't seem to let go ...
This is real, something I am feeling right now.  Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I know that he is bad news, but I still want to want him.
Jun 2014 · 335
God Lives
Bell'Alta Jun 2014
God lives
He died for you and me
he died on a tree
and then with the power bestowed in him
he raised the third day
and lives ever more
for you and me
if we will but accept him as our savior and king
we will be saved
we will be with God again
Jun 2014 · 315
Inside
Bell'Alta Jun 2014
the treasures
the heartaches
the pain
the love
the happy moments
the sad memories
the thoughts and dreams for tomorrow

italy
missing you
missing me
remembering sweet moments
remembering
a better place to be
Jun 2014 · 312
A Journey For One
Bell'Alta Jun 2014
caught up in a nostalgia moment with you
my body is here but my mind, you knew
was living that life again
forgetting where it is i am
people knocking on the door
but i am not looking for a cure
no phones, no faces, no contact please
i am in my own journeys
that do not make sense to some
but i can assure you, i am not numb
i am alive and i feel
it just takes time for me to heal
so please just leave me alone
when i'm ready, it will be known
Jun 2014 · 775
Dove Sei?
Bell'Alta Jun 2014
Sei nel mio cuore
Sei nei miei pensieri
Sei nella luce del sole
Sei nelle cose buone

Sei qui con me anche se
Sei lontanissimo da me
Come possiamo farlo?
Perché senza di te
Sono persa
Non sono io
Non sono a casa

Un giorno, ritornerò a trovarti
E saremmo insieme per sempre
Il mio cuore sara' pieno
I miei pensieri saranno chiari
La luce del sole brillerà piu forte
E le cose buone saremmo noi

Amore mio, ti amo
Ti ritornerò e sarai con me
Apr 2014 · 300
Loving You Forever
Bell'Alta Apr 2014
Till the end of my days I will ...
...serve you
...help you
...encourage you
...listen to you
...feed you
...take care of you
...hold you
...cry with you
...laugh with you

You are always in my heart and
For the rest of my being
I will love you forever.
Feb 2014 · 484
Jibber Jabber
Bell'Alta Feb 2014
shadows beyond the light
quibbling, dancing, screaming, jostling
peep peep ... peep peep
"hello hello hello hello hello hello hello!"
"How are you, how are you, how are you?"
Don't answer because I don't really care.
Feb 2014 · 590
The Beast Inside
Bell'Alta Feb 2014
When the beast speaks, silence it.
When it roars, shush it.  When it screams, **** it.  
Silence it with words, written and spoken.
Shush it with love and kindness.
**** it with living your dreams.

Only then will you be able to tame the beast
To know and understand
That all along
The beast inside
Was
You
Feb 2014 · 348
Hidden Inside
Bell'Alta Feb 2014
When the darkness creeps in your mind
Forever with you, forever apart
Never knowing what's in your heart.
Pain, aches, disappointments and fears
All hidden deep, deep inside.
The chambers of the heart contain
The soul's most valuables,
love, and pain.
Oftentimes I will write thoughts and ideas that come to me on my notepad on my iPod.  I found this one this morning that I had written a few months ago.  I was astonished that I had written it.  So I thought I would share it on here for others to enjoy as well.
Bell'Alta Feb 2014
I write poems
to express,
the words in my heart
the song in my soul
without complete sentences
at times without a whole of sense
because, life is the same
not everything is as perfect
as we make it out to be
we've all been at a lost for words
not knowing how to endure life
how to express the love we feel so deeply for another
we cry in agony as we hide our wounds, while licking them when everyone is away
poems help me to just be
to just get it out
doesn't have to be perfect
just.  get.  it.  out.
Feb 2014 · 352
The Power of Words
Bell'Alta Feb 2014
When the demons are dancing before your eyes
write a poem and they will die
When words come to me in power and authority, I write them down, no matter what I'm doing, or who's going to see it, me, or cyber world.  Or even if it's fragmented and scattered.  It will all make sense, it will all come together, in the end, in the end.

p.s.  .....
The best thing to do is make friends with your demons and then they can tell you the honest truth.  And then you can truly change .....
Feb 2014 · 1.5k
Where the Wind Goes
Bell'Alta Feb 2014
The winds of time
they rush they slow
they run they blow

wither the wind goes
I will go
whether to far off lands
or here at home

i will go where the wind takes me
and i will heal those that need healing
be it father, mother, sister, nephew
uncle, aunt, cousin, friend
brother, neighbor, enemy, foe
or even if it's me, who needs the healing
yes, yes i will go
Jan 2014 · 451
Unwelcomed Guests
Bell'Alta Jan 2014
how can a vibrant soul have
demons deep inside
but still shine

how can the works of beauty
be tainted
with blood and crime

how can my love for you grow
and die
at the same time

thousands of questions
thousands of thoughts
all run through my mind
perhaps they should not

unwelcomed guests
scared to go to bed
for what i must face
when i'm in my head
Jan 2014 · 489
the demon inside
Bell'Alta Jan 2014
damp fingers clench my soul
******* the breath right out
a heavy heart
cold hands
dripping in sweat
scared to death
scared to believe
this nightmare is real
it's happening to me
Dark, but what I imagine someone's experience with ****.
Jan 2014 · 405
field of light
Bell'Alta Jan 2014
the white field of light
love, purity, strength and hope
all abide, freely giv’n to those
who break through the barriers of darkness
Going through old poems on my computer and thought I would share a few.  Not really sure what I was thinking or feeling when I wrote this, but I really like it.
Jan 2014 · 344
No title
Bell'Alta Jan 2014
time escapes me
hours go by
no food in the belly
im not hungry
I don’t know why
music takes you back to the moment you first heard it
and all that you were feeling, thinking, seeing, drinking in
Oct 2013 · 570
Fragmented Mind
Bell'Alta Oct 2013
Heavy sighs



Breathe in


Breathe out

Wrapped up in layers and layers of clothes
Hiding in even more layers of quilts and blankets
Snuggled tight
Feet poking out
Eyes drooping
Biting nails and
Fighting .....……
..............……………
...... the urge to let sleep take over

...........................................................­................
           ..........................
It's so early
But my mind is fragmented
Speaking in nonsense

With street clothes still donned
And two lamps still on

I fall

down

deeper and deeper

.....................................

until

beep beep

Oh no! I'm late for wor......
Oh, only six minutes has passed by
Good night
Oct 2013 · 346
What If ...
Bell'Alta Oct 2013
What if
You could
Pretend to be
Someone else
Still being you
But at a certain place,
You're different
And it's almost like
In this spot, you're alive
You're yourself
You're YOU
You just ARE
What would it be like?
What would it feel like?
What would it look like?

For me,
It would be like
All my quirks would
Count for something
It would feel like
I was my complete self:
Not better or worse than anyone
And it would look like
I am happy
And I'm having THE
BEST TIME of my life
I think it needs a little more, but I can't come up with anything at the moment.
Oct 2013 · 453
Confused
Bell'Alta Oct 2013
clean hands
broken hearts                          
***** hands
a mended heart
how is that
right things happen at the wrong time and
wrong things happen at the right time?
Sep 2013 · 772
lo que no se dice
Bell'Alta Sep 2013
quien habla siempre pierde
lo que no se dice
los árboles, las flores, las rocas
lo que está en el corazón
lo que el ojo no puede ver
despacio
escucha
respirar
ser
Jul 2013 · 804
Not a Poem
Bell'Alta Jul 2013
Sometimes I feel like people are trying to pacify me, with a pacifier, when I'm actually throwing up.  But they don't see it. They literally do not see it.  And then they get mad at me for refusing to take the pacifier when it really isn't helping at all, in fact, it's making it worse.  You don't help people when you're not helping them.  When someone is throwing up, you don't give them something that will keep it in.  You help them throw up, you help them get that yucky stuff out of them, you get a towel, or a bowl, or take them to a toilet.  You rub their back, get them some tea, wash their face.  It's not pretty and it's not fun, but it's helping.  Pacifiers are quick and easy and take little to no effort on your part.  But when someone is throwing up, that takes patience, endurance, love, empathy, sacrifice, kindness, determination.  If you can't help, don't try to help at all, it may make it worse.

I am not talking about service here, I am and I'm not.  I'm talking about when someone is in a real problem, and they need the right help; if you can't give that right help, don't give the wrong help.   When someone is throwing up, don't give them a pacifier.
This isn't a poem, but I wanted to put up here anyways, something I wrote.
Jul 2013 · 421
Don't Know What to Say
Bell'Alta Jul 2013
I may sound like a crazy fool
But these feeling are real to me
Don't toss them aside and say to me,
That it's probably too much sugar in my diet
Or not enough exercise in my life
Even IF it is these things
I am in NO right place to receive them
I'll just dig deeper into the hole
No rabbit hole today, no,
There are not fun things to play with
But darkness deep inside, waiting for the day
When they can rule my body and mind
Not today, not today
No, one more day, please, one more day
This poem too, is choppy at the end.  The beginning describes a lot of my true feelings this day, but the end doesn't know what to say. Sorry.
Jul 2013 · 2.6k
CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
Bell'Alta Jul 2013
Caught in the middle of lies, drama, and tears
You expect me to side with her
He's my friend too
She doesn't always tell the truth
I can't say yes or no
Or disagree or agree
Until I have all the facts
But you demand my loyalty to her
You demand me to forget about
The demons inside of me
Threatening to choke me, to grab hold of my mind and shake it up and let it explode like a shaken up coke bottle
You expect me to tell you all the deats
With a smile on my face, choosing your side
Don't force me to choose
Don't force me to agree
For if I choose against you, you think I am against YOU
And if I disagree with you, you think I disagree with YOU

You think I am disrespectful and indifferent
I'm not super excited to talk about the dramas of our family
When I am living in a hell, from time to time
When I am in a dark hole, slowly falling away into the abyss of my mind
You say, You don't have to be so secret all the time
I say, When I tell you what's really going on, you think I'm making stuff up
You expect perfection out of me and when I mess up, which I do all the time,
It is a big deal and I am the worst child in the world

At least Dad is being forgiving and our wounded souls are being healed
We're reaching out more towards one another
And not causing more negativity in our lives
Any future negativity is blamed on me
Because I'm so negative ALL THE TIME
What a lie
You don't see that the negativity is here all the time, I FEEL it ALL THE TIME
You're either too blind or too afraid to see
That you cause much of the negativity
Not all, but most

Life is screwy, life is a mess
But it is also beautiful and worth living for
But too often than not
I get caught in the middle of it all
I can often express myself the best when I am upset and emotions are high, words are clearer to me, and I can get it all out of my head.  This poem was written during an intense moment, which is still going underway, or rather, an intense time in my life.

Also, the end doesn't flow that well, so if you have any suggestions, I'm open to them!  Thank you!
Jul 2013 · 1.2k
Respect
Bell'Alta Jul 2013
Chillin like a villain under this pavilion
Acting so dope cuz we got hope
Thanks to the women and men
Who went out there, fought and made a win
And now we've got freedoms people don't even know
How to show that respect, they just talk about their woes
So today, get outta yo head and think instead
Of all you got, cuz man, it's a lot
And praise the Lord everyday for blessing you in this way.
This is a rap I wrote about the 4th of July.
May 2013 · 395
Friend
Bell'Alta May 2013
Don't be afraid I'll take your hand
I'll be by your side all the days long
You help me and I'll help you
And together we'll make it through
Together we'll make it Home
May 2013 · 730
Ed That Majestic Creature
Bell'Alta May 2013
I dedicate this poem to Ed Ly
For he was the one to inspire me
There’s this guy I know at school
He’s mysterious and really cool
Sometimes I wonder what goes on in his head
I like him a lot, his name is Ed
I stayed after to help with The Pursuit
And told Ed he reminds me of **** ‘n’ Boots
He stared at me very terrified
Now he always questions me
“Why **** ‘n’ Boots?  No, I disagree”
Whenever I see him he gives me the evil eye
And says “You hate us,” and pretends to cry
He’s always joking, I can guarantee
Because – well, he’s Ed Ly
Ed I wrote this poem just for you
And all I've said is really true
I wrote this in high school, around 2004 or 2005.
May 2013 · 1.7k
Pure Ugliness
Bell'Alta May 2013
Anger consumes my body, like fire from hell
My body keels over from lack of food
Food which I purposely neglected to provide
Hate, abuse, deceit and anger take over me
Pure ugliness, staring me in the face
People that are supposed to care, supposed to love
Who claim to care and claim to love
Yet seem to me as wolves in sheep’s clothing
Wanting to control me, dominate me, constrict me
Who crush me over and over again
And wonder why we are always butting heads
Sadness creeps in my heart, but it is not mine
And it saddens me more that I feel her hurt
My heart aches for love, for touch, for affection
It longs to love and to be loved
But all it receives is sadness and pain
Crying out for love, my body cries too
Not with tears, but with blood
A deep crimson red running out of me
Staining everything in its path
As this blood runs out of me, so does my strength, my energy
I am exhausted and long to sleep
But my mind is forever going, going, going …
Why? Why? Why? Why?
The question of a thousand why’s consumes me …
Threatening to crush my very soul.
May 2013 · 956
Ti vedo
Bell'Alta May 2013
Bisogno del tuo tocco
Per sapere che sei propio mio
Per sapere che esisti per me
E che non solo una faccia nella mia mente

Toccami
Amami
Baciami
Tienimi

Solo con te
Nelle tue braccia
Sono libera
Sono protetta
Sono forte
Sono a casa

Senza di te, sono persa
Sei l’acqua per mia sete
Sei cibo per mio fame
Sei luce nel mio buio

La tua esistenza mi dà lo scopo
Per amare e desiderare
Per servire e vedere
Le ferite della tua anima
Supplicando, piangiando
Per il bisogno di essere guarito
Di essere visto per chi sei verramente
Un uomo di forza e potenza
Pieno di amore a dare
Per dare a me
Posso vedere
Amore mio, ti vedo
May 2013 · 640
Messy Room
Bell'Alta May 2013
Scattered books
Empty bottles
Misplaced shoes
Hamper full
Drawers askew
Sheets fumbled
Books
Books
Books
And
More books
A forgotten uke
Hiding by the wall
Longing to be played
To be touched
Poster of Italy
Begging me
Calling me
To return
Paintings of a dear friend
Reminding me
Encouraging me
To be good, to be kind
To love
He helps me see the way
He helps me see the path
He reminds me to pray
Reminds me to study
His word
Yes, He is the Lord
Jesus Christ
My Savior
And friend.
May 2013 · 915
A Memory
Bell'Alta May 2013
Birds chirping
Trees swaying
And a memory
A memory of
A far away place
Waiting, wanting
To be remembered
Blue skies
White clouds
Windows in the sky
Excitement rising
In my whole soul
Wanting to know
What is in
The window
Of the sky
Sharing my excitement
With others
Passionate, giddy
A whisper of love
Soft, spoken, in the wind
Wanting to share this treasure
With my love, my lover
He is distracted
But the excitement
Still rises
One, two, three
Emptiness, black
Eyes starting
To adjust
Birds chirping
Trees swaying
And a memory
A memory of ...
A dream.

— The End —