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Bell'Alta Oct 2013
Heavy sighs



Breathe in


Breathe out

Wrapped up in layers and layers of clothes
Hiding in even more layers of quilts and blankets
Snuggled tight
Feet poking out
Eyes drooping
Biting nails and
Fighting .....……
..............……………
...... the urge to let sleep take over

...........................................................­................
           ..........................
It's so early
But my mind is fragmented
Speaking in nonsense

With street clothes still donned
And two lamps still on

I fall

down

deeper and deeper

.....................................

until

beep beep

Oh no! I'm late for wor......
Oh, only six minutes has passed by
Good night
Bell'Alta Oct 2013
What if
You could
Pretend to be
Someone else
Still being you
But at a certain place,
You're different
And it's almost like
In this spot, you're alive
You're yourself
You're YOU
You just ARE
What would it be like?
What would it feel like?
What would it look like?

For me,
It would be like
All my quirks would
Count for something
It would feel like
I was my complete self:
Not better or worse than anyone
And it would look like
I am happy
And I'm having THE
BEST TIME of my life
I think it needs a little more, but I can't come up with anything at the moment.
Bell'Alta Oct 2013
clean hands
broken hearts                          
***** hands
a mended heart
how is that
right things happen at the wrong time and
wrong things happen at the right time?
Bell'Alta Sep 2013
quien habla siempre pierde
lo que no se dice
los árboles, las flores, las rocas
lo que está en el corazón
lo que el ojo no puede ver
despacio
escucha
respirar
ser
Bell'Alta Jul 2013
Sometimes I feel like people are trying to pacify me, with a pacifier, when I'm actually throwing up.  But they don't see it. They literally do not see it.  And then they get mad at me for refusing to take the pacifier when it really isn't helping at all, in fact, it's making it worse.  You don't help people when you're not helping them.  When someone is throwing up, you don't give them something that will keep it in.  You help them throw up, you help them get that yucky stuff out of them, you get a towel, or a bowl, or take them to a toilet.  You rub their back, get them some tea, wash their face.  It's not pretty and it's not fun, but it's helping.  Pacifiers are quick and easy and take little to no effort on your part.  But when someone is throwing up, that takes patience, endurance, love, empathy, sacrifice, kindness, determination.  If you can't help, don't try to help at all, it may make it worse.

I am not talking about service here, I am and I'm not.  I'm talking about when someone is in a real problem, and they need the right help; if you can't give that right help, don't give the wrong help.   When someone is throwing up, don't give them a pacifier.
This isn't a poem, but I wanted to put up here anyways, something I wrote.
Bell'Alta Jul 2013
I may sound like a crazy fool
But these feeling are real to me
Don't toss them aside and say to me,
That it's probably too much sugar in my diet
Or not enough exercise in my life
Even IF it is these things
I am in NO right place to receive them
I'll just dig deeper into the hole
No rabbit hole today, no,
There are not fun things to play with
But darkness deep inside, waiting for the day
When they can rule my body and mind
Not today, not today
No, one more day, please, one more day
This poem too, is choppy at the end.  The beginning describes a lot of my true feelings this day, but the end doesn't know what to say. Sorry.
Bell'Alta Jul 2013
Caught in the middle of lies, drama, and tears
You expect me to side with her
He's my friend too
She doesn't always tell the truth
I can't say yes or no
Or disagree or agree
Until I have all the facts
But you demand my loyalty to her
You demand me to forget about
The demons inside of me
Threatening to choke me, to grab hold of my mind and shake it up and let it explode like a shaken up coke bottle
You expect me to tell you all the deats
With a smile on my face, choosing your side
Don't force me to choose
Don't force me to agree
For if I choose against you, you think I am against YOU
And if I disagree with you, you think I disagree with YOU

You think I am disrespectful and indifferent
I'm not super excited to talk about the dramas of our family
When I am living in a hell, from time to time
When I am in a dark hole, slowly falling away into the abyss of my mind
You say, You don't have to be so secret all the time
I say, When I tell you what's really going on, you think I'm making stuff up
You expect perfection out of me and when I mess up, which I do all the time,
It is a big deal and I am the worst child in the world

At least Dad is being forgiving and our wounded souls are being healed
We're reaching out more towards one another
And not causing more negativity in our lives
Any future negativity is blamed on me
Because I'm so negative ALL THE TIME
What a lie
You don't see that the negativity is here all the time, I FEEL it ALL THE TIME
You're either too blind or too afraid to see
That you cause much of the negativity
Not all, but most

Life is screwy, life is a mess
But it is also beautiful and worth living for
But too often than not
I get caught in the middle of it all
I can often express myself the best when I am upset and emotions are high, words are clearer to me, and I can get it all out of my head.  This poem was written during an intense moment, which is still going underway, or rather, an intense time in my life.

Also, the end doesn't flow that well, so if you have any suggestions, I'm open to them!  Thank you!
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