i am made of stardust
i’ll fly to the cosmos
have a slow dance with my dearest
my one and only love
and hold them tightly
i deserved a love that cherishes me
like i have cherished countless others
a love that never touched with malice
i deserved a love that doesn’t hurt
i look to the stars and see my reflection
my one and only
my dearest and hardest love to manage
it’s the year of appreciation
a millennia of self love
i deserve this
i am worthy of this
i always deserved a love that doesn’t hurt

i said no before but you kept asking
i was scared of you
tall and stronger
unpredictable and manic
i said no but you wouldn’t leave
pinned down by blankets and body weight
i thought this was normal
we were friends beforehand
i said no but i said yes in the end
do you do this with other people?
are they scared of you too?
i can’t leave my bed
i can’t feel my body
the sight of myself revolts me
i said no but you thought it was fine
i’m scared to tell our friends
you have two different personas
i know they would believe you
one half lives on anger and hatred
but the other half wishes the best
i hope you find a comfortable place to grow
i hope you feel comfortable in hell

staring at the wall for hours
a gentle check up or empty small talk
we share pictures and stories together
the tears come down eventually
we held each other without a sound
the room is full of memories
a wrinkled hand holding mine
speaking our native tongue
cold hands but a warm heart
stories from ages ago
from a land i never knew
how i wish to hug you longer
but no amount of time is long enough
so i regret the days i left you alone

it’s more than just an episode
it’s the constant passing thoughts
it’s the feeling of nonchalantly walking
never looking at red or green lights

it’s another “did you take your lamictal?”
then enduring the feeling
they won’t come in waves
it’ll come in tsunamis

it’s crying on a saturday night
every inpatient has negative reviews
“will you visit me?”
“i’m so scared”
hold my hand in the ambulance

it’s screaming at the top of your lungs
you’re still under observation
not just by white coats
but the ones who left generational trauma
“can we let them go?”
“i’m sure they’ll be fine”

it’s being amazed at making it this far
living with fear of the future
unsure of my own
watching you prosper and grow
my heart full of love and admiration
wishes to grow old together
yet i know won’t make it to 26

yet although i feel so much hate
and i carry all this angry and despair
i’ll still have my love for the world
and those who love me too
i can make room for it

erase your manic thoughts
leave the ones that keep you guessing
15 unread messages
count how many objectify you
stare at the same photos
watch them change over the hours
are you there?
have you fallen back into old habits?
you still rely on physical touch
expecting a hand to hold yours is the cure

read your thoughts again
1am manic thoughts
delete the panicked desperation
25 unread messages
count how many you’ll ignore
stare at the same wall
watch it while tears fall
are you still there?
has anything changed?
you expect company to fulfill your needs
when you’re terrified of the unknown

pull an all nighter
all the thoughts are complied
we don’t know
delete the messages
don’t bother to read anymore
stare at the sky
bring the tar back in your lungs
are you always going to be there?
are you put together?
find your own peace
make your own company
proceed in your manic decisions
wait until you can love yourself
maybe someone will love you the same

there’s a desire inside me
craving warmth but only frost on the bones
hold me again
i hate the lonely feeling
i don’t want to feel ice in my heart
i want to feel a presence next to mine
insomniac eyes and blue fingers
empty plates on the desk
i can’t leave my bed
i can’t feel my body
i miss you
i miss the way i’m supposed to be
to feel alive again is the holiest honor
to leave my bed is all i needed
but i’ll sit in silence for another few years
until hospital beds consume me whole
i’ll let them hold me again
just like you used to

i want to live every moment with you
to hear your voice is a holy honor
your smile could grow flowers
your heart could break barriers
the ones i’ve built from past anger
but i’ve never known comfort until you held me
body to body your soul gripped mine
i would give up caring for me and my mind
if i could only care for yours
only agony ruins through veins
only the thoughts linger here
black hair, enfold me
let me bite one last time
i hate the bitter taste
but life is wine when you’re around
i want to live every moment with you
your smile could grow flowers
an angel speaks to me in your body
it tells me “i love you” one last time