How quickly
You
Changed your mind,
How easy it was
For you
For it to be over

Still waiting for the tomorrow that promised to be better

my mind battles with itself
more than i can
sometimes
bear

My expectations
ruin
myself

false
fAlse
FALSEfalsefalse
it is all FALSE
what i felt for you
you know it wasn't real
i KNOW it wasn't
yet all i can do is hold onto it
false love
false hopes
false presence
needed to save me
delusive little girl

There's no one who could replace you
Or the way you kiss my lips
And grab my waist
The way I can cuddle perfectly into every curve and structure of your body, like I belong there
You've shown me how to love hard
And I know I've found the love I'll be eternally passionate for
And it's yours

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to
not be me
How much easier life would be

I don't
Adjust well to
Change

You thought it was just a phase
To you, it's meaningless
And something I choose for attention
But you can't understand
How it feels to feel this way
All of the time
You can't escape it and
It becomes very real
You're trapped in your mind,
Madness and sadness
Nothing can really help because
The brainwashing is only temporary
And you're back to your normal
Depressed self

go away
I am tired
of the anxiety
constant worries and
thoughts in my head
I ache for the freedom my
soul yearns to feel
of the burdens that weigh it down
I try so hard... but
nothing
nothing
*nothing

I've wanted you to know for so long that I've loved you
That we had something beautiful that can be brought back
Your face, those kind eyes and smile that grasps the feelings made by a soft heart
Are something that will never be replaced in the same manner
But we can go away together
Create one world together, and love and love
And have what only someone can dream of
Because the reality we create together
Will be a dream we never want to leave

I don't know what to do with my anger,
Or any of my
Emotions

something about a boy
with a lost soul that
captivates my heavy heart
telling me "save him"
before it's too late

I can't
do
this
alone

I walked away
Things are better
Change is good

It's hard to take a step back
Either way, doing or not
You could be risking
Something important
Don't want to seem needy
Nor distant and uninterested
And there isn't much of a middle
Area
At least I don't know how to find it

oh the cliché of it all
how tiring

I sit here
Wrapped in a blanket
Loosely around my entire body
My face barely peaking out
I sit here
Curled in a ball
On this chair
With my head rested on the back
And I stare
Thinking of nothing but everything
To where my thoughts are blank
And my eyes are cold
Along with the heart that made me this way

what if you watched someone
literally
go
insane?
only as they tried to
find themselves

Let the words flow from your fingertips

To create what could change everything

Change everything by the slightest change of event

Your connections are so timeless

Yet so significant

It all leads to one another

Be wise with what you do

You never know

What is waiting around the corner

my mind..
my mind is painful.
too many things, thoughts
happening
too quickly too
differently, taking shots at
one another to get rid
of the other

I exercise.
Go to yoga.
Meditate frequently.
Listen to music I love.
Try to do things I love.
Have healthy relationships (mostly).
Eat basically healthy or
Just the things I enjoy.
Get my coffee.
Get my sleep.
Have the job that I wanted.
Am appreciated for my skills/personality/appearance (sometimes).
So
Why am I unhappy.
In a fog, constantly.
Can't find peace most of the time.
Anxious.
Thinking.
Unwillingly judging myself and
The situation, always.
Can't
Focus, concentrate
Feeling very constrained
By what isn't in my control

How do I help myself?
I've tried so many things
Even not trying at all
Still
*nothing

Day 4:
*You appear in my dreams every night.

Day 5:
*Don't read sad poems.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
I just want to live freely and
As things come.
But the worry always comes back,
Always there.
Am I making the right choices

if only it were easier to travel
over oceans to be with you
to physically love you with the love
that's built up and overflowed into
the emptiness in me that consists of you
oh how i feel so empty
but so full of love when
it comes to you
and how meeting you would be an experience
one could die for because
i love you that much and i
wholeheartedly believe not many
can say that these days

i'm cliche and
pathetic but
it is what it
is

Those nights when
All you can feel is
The self pity drowning your
Entire mind
You're so alone and
Can't find any reason at all
To stick around
I'd be better off somewhere far
Away and nonexistent
Because that's all that I
Truly deserve

Today is a good day to
be alive

I needed someone else's
skin and
smell
to remember
so I could forget
yours

I find myself feeling empty a lot

Every day,
something new

I am eleven years old
I'm fat to every person I know
At this age, consciousness tells you the unsaid things
In someone's actions and on their face

I am twelve years old
I'm destroying my body
Because you've destroyed my mind
And make me feel things unreal

I am fourteen years old
I starve myself for three months
A bite a day keeps the weight away

I am fifteen years old
A toilet becomes your only friend
And a meal a nightmare
Because the food isn't staying down
You won't let it

I am sixteen years old
I'm no longer the fat thing you didn't care about
Now it's beauty you see
It's purely a shame
You don't know how I got this way
Because it was your fault
That made me numb and insane

I come here for comfort, for my release.
I can't find that anywhere else.
I'm glad I can be in a place where
others relate, and choose to console a stranger. Thank you to those who are kind enough to comment good thoughts and hold back judgement.

I look
For you
For
*Safety

I'm just a young girl.
I don't know anything.

My problem is that I miss things. I miss everything currently not in the possession of when I want it. I miss him. And him, and him, and it, and my cat that died in August. I miss my friend, my friendships when they meant something to more than just me. Not being employed. Not having a boyfriend, wanting a boyfriend that would go to ends of the world for me. Believing in love childishly, having the ambitions not washed away by the unsuccessful people around me. I miss the feeling I got that day we went for breakfast before school one morning, such a careless, fun, unfamiliar feeling that describing can do no justice against. I sit in class or at home or at a stop light and I start to miss your presence next to me. Just that certain smell of you anywhere can send me places you couldn't grasp existing; the way you hold me in any form of the matter still lingers on my skin as your ghost when you leave. I feel you here when you aren't, much like a numb feeling, as if my body knows something isn't right, something is missing. There are a million things I could say I miss. The past, my memories, are hard to forget. They find a way to hide in small corners of my mind, to come out when they know I am especially vulnerable. I'm weak and small disguised by a deceptive body, tormented of each surfacing memory.

Today
I felt
*Free

I've never been so down on myself
Nothing has ever been this difficult
(I seem to say that every time)
But every time it hurts just as much
It's a whole new hell that I have to pull myself out of
A new place of darkness and pain that no one else can help me with but myself
I'm trapped. emotionally, mentally, physically
Stuck exactly where I don't want to be.
I don't know where to go from here.

Tonight
Will be the first step
Closer to healing
The entire wound
Not just the scratches and torn
Layers you've added during your
Stay

You are not right
Don't tell me that you are
Because all I do is right
And all you do is wrong
Forgive me when my temper flares
But you don't know what you're talking about
Since my mind is more forbade than yours
More relevant
Worth something beautiful
Though your discouraging words hurt me extently
You mean nothing
Don't waste your time
On an unchangeable mind

I'll be the
dawn on your worst
night

Not independent enough
To handle being
Left alone
I need your company
Makes the
Thoughts go away
For a little

I wish..
I wish you still showed me you care.
Or I wouldn't have decided to leave you behind.
Because when I left,
My heart stayed with you.

I
Lay with you
And
Want to be
Some place else

i need to stop writing about you

You complain that
I have nothing more to talk of
Rather than love
But what is there to talk about
When that's all my being wants?
*Love is all you need,
Then you can conquer the world

i am the ocean
you the sky
with every wave and
every horizon
*we meet