I'm painfully weak

I lost a friend this year.
He was close to my heart.
Sometimes I still don't believe he's really gone, it's been hard for me to part.
He was my companion, my best friend, the one who greeted me with love and kisses.
Who played and walked by my side and kept me safe and was always there to listen.
I'll miss him forever. I love him always.
Not a day goes by without a thought of him.
The loss of a pet is so, so painful. Life is truly turned upside down without them there. Everything is wrong and sad and lonely. I would do anything to bring you back. You were the sweetest little angel. And I'm so sorry. I love and miss you and pray you're doing well..

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to
not be me
How much easier life would be

I find myself feeling empty a lot

I come here for comfort, for my release.
I can't find that anywhere else.
I'm glad I can be in a place where
others relate, and choose to console a stranger. Thank you to those who are kind enough to comment good thoughts and hold back judgement.

I've never been so down on myself
Nothing has ever been this difficult
(I seem to say that every time)
But every time it hurts just as much
It's a whole new hell that I have to pull myself out of
A new place of darkness and pain that no one else can help me with but myself
I'm trapped. emotionally, mentally, physically
Stuck exactly where I don't want to be.
I don't know where to go from here.

Everything about everything makes
me want to **** myself

It's so difficult for me
To put all of my thoughts together
To be able to explain how I truly feel
About something

Very happy with where I am

There's no one who could replace you
Or the way you kiss my lips
And grab my waist
The way I can cuddle perfectly into every curve and structure of your body, like I belong there
You've shown me how to love hard
And I know I've found the love I'll be eternally passionate for
And it's yours

go away
I am tired
of the anxiety
constant worries and
thoughts in my head
I ache for the freedom my
soul yearns to feel
of the burdens that weigh it down
I try so hard... but
nothing
nothing
*nothing

I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
I just want to live freely and
As things come.
But the worry always comes back,
Always there.
Am I making the right choices

I don't
Adjust well to
Change

That feeling came back today..

life always
has a plan
and a way of working things out better
in the end

today i am grateful
for the losses and
hardships in my life
which have made me who
i am
and have brought me to where
i am now
with the people who are actually
good for me

Time has passed and I'm...

Listen to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart while
Looking through psychedelic art
You'll find it
Quite the experience

Today
I felt
*Free

need a trip in
nature
away from people and technology
to heal

Not independent enough
To handle being
Left alone
I need your company
Makes the
Thoughts go away
For a little

It's hard to take a step back
Either way, doing or not
You could be risking
Something important
Don't want to seem needy
Nor distant and uninterested
And there isn't much of a middle
Area
At least I don't know how to find it

Every day,
something new

I exercise.
Go to yoga.
Meditate frequently.
Listen to music I love.
Try to do things I love.
Have healthy relationships (mostly).
Eat basically healthy or
Just the things I enjoy.
Get my coffee.
Get my sleep.
Have the job that I wanted.
Am appreciated for my skills/personality/appearance (sometimes).
So
Why am I unhappy.
In a fog, constantly.
Can't find peace most of the time.
Anxious.
Thinking.
Unwillingly judging myself and
The situation, always.
Can't
Focus, concentrate
Feeling very constrained
By what isn't in my control

How do I help myself?
I've tried so many things
Even not trying at all
Still
*nothing

I wish that I could appreciate
Every second of my life as well
As be happy in every moment.
There's so much to love and experience
But I'm too in my own mind that
I miss out on what's happening
Just being unhappy

Today is a good day to
be alive

i'm cliche and
pathetic but
it is what it
is

my words mean a lot to me
just to write them down
even if
there's really not a whole
lot to them

my mind..
my mind is painful.
too many things, thoughts
happening
too quickly too
differently, taking shots at
one another to get rid
of the other

I needed someone else's
skin and
smell
to remember
so I could forget
yours

I walked away
Things are better
Change is good

My expectations
ruin
myself

fell apart
under you
over you
disgusted
by
me
doing what i thought
i wanted
i did want
but wrong timing
right timing
wrong thinking
you don't know what you want or
what's real

I can't
do
this
alone

Tonight
Will be the first step
Closer to healing
The entire wound
Not just the scratches and torn
Layers you've added during your
Stay

Anything to fill this void

What was I thinking?

Life confuses me too much.
It's hard to accept how things really are,
Because they don't always make sense.

Why do I
Keep checking up on you
Only to upset myself
Why do I do that?

I don't know what to do with my anger,
Or any of my
Emotions

Content
Yoga class today
Finally perfected starbucks drink
To what I've been craving
For so long
House to myself
Cooking dinner
Listening to my favorite songs
As loudly
As I like
*Perfect

How quickly
You
Changed your mind,
How easy it was
For you
For it to be over

You still left me.
I did everything to please you.
Everything was for you.
I took the extra time on my makeup so it was flawless in your presence.
An extra half hour of killing and taming my hair so it
Looked like beauty queen material
Just to hear you call me beautiful
And look at me the way you did when
You really felt good to be around me.
Several occasions, if you recall, I brought your favorite foods to you when you worked.
Just to see your face light up and
So you knew I would do anything to give you
What you wanted.
I don't remember a second I didn't spend
Thinking what more I could do for you.
I took three too many steps
Out of my comfort zone
Just to please you.
To give you what you wanted.
Even in my state of uncomfort,
I knew you still didn't care about my
Feelings. Truly care, anyways.
And all this time..
All this time of my extra efforts and going so far, far out of my way
You were still too selfish
To see past your small green eyes of confinement.
And I hope one day
You regret letting me leave.
You see how good I was to you.
Giving you the world and then some.
You were just too oblivious
To see what was good for you.
You let it go.
You let me go.
You kept wanting more and more.
And I didn't know what else could be done.
And I'm still sorry for not being able
To give you everything you
Wanted.
I hope one day you can
Feel the pain you
Put me through.

what if you watched someone
literally
go
insane?
only as they tried to
find themselves

my mind battles with itself
more than i can
sometimes
bear

false
fAlse
FALSEfalsefalse
it is all FALSE
what i felt for you
you know it wasn't real
i KNOW it wasn't
yet all i can do is hold onto it
false love
false hopes
false presence
needed to save me
delusive little girl

you
will
get
better
when
you
stop
convincing
yourself
of
what
isn't
real

I need to let go,
Fully let go.

My heart loves unhealthily.
It doesn't know when to stop
Or what lines shouldn't
Be crossed.

She still felt as blank
As the ceiling at which she's staring
She's alive, but feels absolutely nothing