I didn't know I was spiraling until...

I felt the nauseous in my toes

My arms began to lose all sensation of ever holding someone

My mind not knowing up from down, left from right, love from lose

How spinning on this plastic horse has worn me down
Get me off this ******* horse

Virtigo be my new name for I have no sense of direction

I didn't know I was spiraling until...
I had already *lost control

Black swan feathers sweep across desertscapes
Revealing an oasis among a barren wasteland
Vines reach to the Heavens as the fruit calls for a feast
Waters with rejuvenating strength run gently down stained stones
Even the Sun seems to embrace the skin instead of blister

What a beautiful mirage to have
Before an unbearable death

I can't help but think this is a metaphor of sorts
This sitting and waiting
In a vast seemingly endless hall
Outside the door of a friend who didn't answer
Left by a love who thought she did right by me
I can't help but think
That sitting in this hall
Is supposed to mean so much more to me
But I think it's just a metaphor of sorts

Forced to say words I never meant
I left all I ever wanted alone in a ditch
Pretending it could survive on its own
Using an excuses not to pick up the phone
Crippling every thought I've heard
Regret, heartbreak, blanked emotion
Completely unheard
Leaving certain parts me behind
All while trying to hide
The joy that it brings to my life
Irreplaceable love lust wrapped up in a bow
Tucked in sweet at night
Things made to let go

Could all be simple
Easing my way into the darkness
Letting loose my grip
No longer clinging to the last straw
Removing all the material
Replacing it with light

Or dark...
Maybe it is darkness

But how I wish it were light
That the stories reign true
So simple

Letting go of me
Letting go of the idea of me

Decaying softly thru the seasons
I'd get flowers more often
Flowers that tears help grow

Mountains do weep
When greeted by the Cardinal
Soaring low exposing underbrush
Where villages hide in plain sight
Mighty rivers break the Earth
Carving paths to new worlds
Oh, how the mountains weep
Not with tears of loss
With waterfalls that build pools
Pools which provide to the village
Pools of brilliant blue
Surrounded by new growth
Consumed with love
Overwhelmed by life
Mountains weep to provide

I cry at just about anything nowadays
It's nice to feel
Others aren't as lucky
Ha, lucky
Like luck has something to do with it

An unread letter lay on the floor...
Just within fingertips reach...

Words rolling off the pages
Crawling back into the pit of a mind

Apologies floating aimlessly through the verse
Landing on miniaturized egos

Goodbyes that never found ends
Hellos that never saw sunlight

Tongues dancing behind pressed teeth
Screaming into an airless void

Forced ideas birthing forced patience
Forced patience birthing forced faith

What are you waiting for?

**Just open the ******* letter, why don't you?

The painter chose an apple
Red, juicy, delicious
A shine in which she saw herself
One bite to find rot
The painter spit and said,
"So be it."
Painting the spot red
Eating every bit of the apple
Through painted lips and teeth
Until the painted core killed her
Snow White left for dead

I will never be THAT

THAT which you admire
THAT which you hide
THAT which you idolize

I will never be THAT

THAT shade of skin
THAT perfect smile
THAT endless gain

I will always be THIS

THIS which desires no more
THIS which desires no less
THIS which I love wholly

I will always be THIS

THIS pale frail girl
THIS stringy blonde hair
THIS THIS THIS

I will always be THIS
And I will never be **THAT

So I play in the wound
Opening the edges again
Ripping the healing that's taken place
Pushing the muscles about
Creating my own red stream
Guiding it across my flesh
Pulling back the scab
Feeling my vitals tiptoe about
Checking for humanity behind lifted skin

You couldn't wash the blood away
Running to the sink

But the well ran dry
Pulling apart your skin
Trying to hide

The crime that you committed
Alone in the dark

Chalking up all the silly remarks
Staining your soul
Along with your shirt

You had no idea you could cause this kind of hurt

But the point wasn't to cover the sin

The point was to live in it

To breath it all in

Suddenly the sin is you and you are it

And the blood on your hands was simply a hint

At what you truly are
A little old flame
Sitting alone


*eating hearts

Perhaps you'd like the medicated me
The ways they use to medicate me
Made being medicated the only me to see
Fully functional gear of the machine
Unstoppable not talkative
Absolutely no cognitive thought
Fully functioning just for these
People who never understood my words
They said I spoke in a blur
I couldn't sit still
I still couldn't read
So they all took the time to medicate me
And it helped
I went from a D to and an A
While losing sight of all things unique
Words and their play
My spirit was broken
But no one could see
The medicated self was slowly killing me

I go back
Like the tide being pulled by the moon

I go back
Like the rewind button on an 80's tune

I go back
Like reading a twisted plot again to be sure

I go back
Like an addict quitting "for good"

I go back
Like a mother losing a child with no time

I go back
Like a heartbeat being revived

I go back
Like the hand of an abuser before the strike

I go back
Like there's still time left in the fight

I go back
Like some fathers' go back to the bar

I go back
And I stare...
I just stare into the dark

White pearls flow down stairs with thunderous applause
Consuming each vitcim so gently
Enriching every soul beholding such beauty
How they applaud you
Crimson red flames pour from thy crown
As emeralds see all truths
Never release that caged Finch
As a heart leaves all to be dismissed
Conquer each line with robust passion
Absorb feeling from thy depths
Hear the masses cry for more
As Crimson Crown kills with *no mercy

Holding that idea like a perfect piece of glass

Be the center of your own Universe
Because then you shall be held with the same accountability you give the Gods

Be the center of your own Universe
Because everything you perceive is but a reflection of your own thoughts

Be the center of your own Universe
Because then for moments you will have to care for everything you've ever created

You must take responsibility.
Be the center and soon you'll see just how small the center is.

A young beau peeks between
the branches
of the old willow tree
To see his maiden's reflection
Bathing before the Gods
Bearing her body
Touched with soft light
Gentle winds push her irresistible locks
Suddenly he is there
Standing before her
Brought out from behind
By lover's trace
He stood before her
Shielding himself from the Gods
When his maiden spoke
In hushed tones

*"Come. Let us wash those sins away."

They had drinks every night
The clown and the trapeze man
Before every show the same thing

"I never laugh at my own jokes." The clown would say

"I never miss my mark." The trapeze man would come back with

So I sat in the crowd
Watching the two perform
Silent and still

The next night

"I never laugh at my own jokes."
"I never miss my mark."

But this night, the tent was different

As the trapeze man danced through the air
The clown found a match and set fire to his net
Stone-faced the clown looked up above as his friend would never miss his mark

When suddenly...
He did

The trapeze man began falling to the earth as though he had missed Her sweet crust

...silence fell.

I sat still.
I sat silent.

Then the clown....
The clown began to laugh....

You must be
so embarrassed

You're not a tree
Not a single leaf could fall from you
Yet you stand proudly in the forest

How silly you must seem
To all the real trees
As you stand there and plee

"I'M A TREE! I AM A TREE!"

Then where are your roots?
Because you're running
Then where is your shade?
If you have any.

You must be
so embarrassed

You're not a tree.
You're a lamppost.
Someone else gives you life.
While a tree produces its own.

So she built a wall.

This wall was not only strong but beautiful.
She built every corner.
She sat by her wall.

So strong and so bold.
Heavy as the moon.
And lighter than the rays of sun that touched her.

She built a wall.

Believing the higher the better.
Believing the stronger the better.
Believing the bolder the more beautiful.

Never thinking once that the bricks are what betrayed her.
The very foundation crumbled.
Every bit of concrete that held her beauty together.
Destroyed without hesitation or regret.  

So she built a boat and never sat at the wall again.

Do we crave the Universe's womb?


Sweet cradle that does rock us to sleep.
Travel around the Sun, they say.
Celebration to be had that day.
Walking atop the blue skies.
Do remove the gray matter and see.
Laying under treetops to feel small.

And safe.

And insignificant.*

Yet we dare to dream of riding the shoulders of Our Universe.


How unfathomable.

I hear..

If the words we speak appeared on our skin, we would speak with more thought.

I hear..

If that was true a very large '*******' would appear on my forehead.

Be that soul
Lay in the blue
Consumed
Death's peaceful sleep
Never bent as the bamboo bends
Sincere as the old mountains
Be that soul
Blissfully so

Can't you hear the Silence?

Breathing down the back of your neck?

It is so quietly loud.

Screaming whispers in my ear.

Can't you hear the Silence?

Shhh, listen.
For me.

How vile it must be to be human
Praying our way around it
Even the faithless seek higher hope
When Darkness consumes the world
We laugh in hushed tones
Until the devil comes for you

Prey

*Pray it all away

What weary winged doves do rest on mother's chest
As crimson sisters draw near
With them grows darkness
Bringers of doubt and dreary dreams

"Worry not, lovely doves."
The mother says so dear

For she carries them as light on high
To never feel the exhaust of fear

In new homes the doves do rest
In light and brightness and glee
Living on above the darkness
The living the sisters fear