i tick tock
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
i beat on the drum of my own life
in perfect lockstep with the me i want to be
always wondering what to do next

i hear the birds chirping
outside my window
late night messages
to the late night boy
in the lava lamp room

the older i get
the less it matters
the more i see
the less it drives
the easier it gets
the more it means
the good and the bad
it's all in between

there's a tornado outside my bathroom
and it's taking me away
to a place as white as cotton
where the angels sing and play




don't stay here too long

you're my sunday candy
breathing christmas into each day
lighting up my smile
ever present every week
the sugar coating on my sweet life

if my body was a temple
i'd have rainbow stained glass windows
there'd be one switch for all lights
and the music would never stop


if my body was a temple
i would welcome all beliefs
no one would sit alone
and everyone would be a minister


if my body was a temple
it'd be open all the time
and be known as a safe place
where you could find comfort and company each day

if my body was a castle
i'd be forever forgetting its stones and towers
always wondering how it looks to others
how it will age
and who might like to visit years later


if my body was a castle
all the rooms would be either too big or too small to me
i'd get lost in most hallways
but be fascinated by its infrastructure


if my body was a castle
i'm not sure who i'd let it
how deep the moat might be
or if i'd even have one

whitewashed printer paper
black ink
one thousand words
a disk
some marker ink
and a piece of cardboard
are this month's shared touch

i hope this is
sufficient

there's a little orange sun outside my window
it shines sorta bright and into the dark night
where the deer frolic and the snakes slither
to the insects it's a disco and they party till the dawn
i am thankful for my sunshine and i am thankful when it's gone

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i laid my head against your chest
listening to the sound of your mortality

i am the cussing man
i cuss all day and i cuss all night
and when i can't cuss no more i curse out of spite

i want to be the sugar in your veins
rushing rushing rushing
shiver shiver
a cute smile and two smiling eyes

i want to be your dopamine
warmly singing the song of the day
wisping your spirit among the trees
only a whisper to be heard

i want to be your heart
pumping life into your limbs
keeping rhythm in the night
ever-beating your good name

i hope this snow never melts, the snow plows break down, and we spend all our time making memories
i admit that's kind of extreme.

but i don't care who i have to beg or how many people i have to pay off
these days are beautiful and i want to stay here with you

your kisses were like sprinkles on a just-baked cupcake
and boy did they fall ******* me
leaving us both breathless by the end
laying there in the dark
wishing my eyes would adjust to see yours staring back at me
wondering if you enjoyed our time together like i do
or if that was the last taste

and then you said goodnight

your kisses were like sprinkles on a just-baked cupcake
which made the eggs your home
the sugar your family
the flour the nighttime
the butter your mood
the pink icing your touch
and our conversations the purple food coloring

or so i presume

your kisses were like sprinkles on a just-baked cupcake
purple with light pink icing
no candle on top

your hands had me melting
like chocolate chips on the stove
milk or dark,, just not white

your skin felt so soft
like whipped cream with some coffee
lots of creamer, stirred well

a shared adrenaline rush

another message sent
the same one received
seen at a glance
(a flicker in your eye)
a short moment and small fingers type away
send
(hoping for a quick response)
back to writing

DON'T PANIC
be careful where you step
try not to catch feelings
an apple a day keeps the love away
say what you mean & mean what you say
don't move too fast
what do you like about her?
do you have her number yet?
how do you feel about meeting her parents?
are you even together?

i don't know
but that's ok

it's another rainy night
find myself staring out my window
into that empty street
lit by a single golden light
a familiar sight
of summer's past
though as a cold breeze rolls by
the differences become apparent
i look to the darkness with a new grace
engaged but no longer in turmoil
emotional but still aware
yearning but for something real
and that's something to celebrate
so i'll lay here and listen
because the sound of the rain
rings the sound of your name
in my mind
tonight

step by step
hand in hand

a nice winter morning
in the tepid afternoon

two hopeful tones
one groggy, the other in tune

heading south
toward town

an empty city
full of emotion

a simmering sense
of optimism

'twas all he could ask for

your love is the fearless life in your eyes
your love is the feeling of your head on my shoulder
your love is the one song i get to play on my way over
your love is the christmas charm carried in your step
your love is the late night silence we often bask in
your love is the burning kiss that leaves me gasping for air
your love is the impulsive trust simply crafted in me
your love is the perpetual hug that keeps me coming back for more

i forgot that i loved you
maybe i wanted to?

i logged on to facebook
to look at your emoji smile
before i realized i could look at your actual smile in a picture
although the emoji seemed more genuine

i went to get a drink
i half expected to see you there
for no reason at all

i never wanted to hurt you
in a lot of ways i did
a string of connections
and not even that
that shouldn't have been
i don't want to cry over you
because it wasn't you
and i wasn't me
at least who i wanted to be
despite my past thoughts

i'm sorry for many things
but an apology doesn't change what happened
words typed or written
worth may be desired
but reality is the true expression

so i depart from you,
a few words left behind
others in my head,
to live that good life
become the person i want to be
learn from my mistakes
and salvage some appreciation
from what you saw in me

"i missed you"
the words muddled out as i was leaving
did i really miss her? i wondered
it seemed like i did
i wanted to be back
more time alone
more to share & learn
did i really miss her? i wondered
it felt like i did
though time apart was fine
catching up with others
keeping myself in check
did i really miss her? i wondered
i think i did
who's to say though
it came to mind then
an impulse almost
and that holds some value
did i really miss her? i wondered
well what if i didn't?
and what does that mean?
i wasn't sure
oh well

did i really miss her? i wondered

a dark rainy city
a bachelor walking through
hoodie up, headphones in
the lights glisten in his eyes
a lonely tune in his ear
headed toward the unknown
his apartment possibly
in the heart of downtown
dressed unusually nice
for the lack of occasion
but maybe there's one
he stays busy
among those moving cars & moving people
always meeting new ones
and talking to ones from long ago
gleams of his past lives
keeping him afloat in some ways
but otherwise not so much

a mind of bliss
a heart full of hope
a bachelor in the city

i could have held you all night
and put my fingers through your hair
i would have talked with you forever
swapping stories till the sunrise
exchanging eyes with one another
lips interlocked in a requited warmth
i could have held you all night

you are the simplistic love
sharing bytes of information
without games of deception

you are the simplistic love
a voice of honesty
when no one else speaks up

you are the simplistic love
showing care by example
not just in word

you are the simplistic love
leading with sense
instead of expectation

you are the simplistic love
living every moment
a stirring sentient amonst the unrest

you are the simplistic love
smiling back at me

The content boy visited his content home
Hugging his parents with content and enjoying his content friends
They shared content times with one another and helped keep the boy content
Though some uncontent thoughts did come, but he was able to replace them with content ones
All was content during the visit and this made the boy content about the future

there's so much talking going on
holding your attention quickly becomes burdensome
though it's easier to sink out of the room
not that i ever do

come to be social
stay for the atmosphere
leave without much
except a buzz and the urge to avoid sleep

i get up slowly and make some small offhand comment
maybe a joke or observation
it doesn't actually matter
every second counts
i slip on my shoes and collect my things
as i walk towards the door i think about what i want to say
i turn around and give what i can only hope is a caring embrace
when i let go i'm met with a strong gaze
that's my cue to lean in
afterwards i deliver my half-baked message
i open the door and hit the pavement with my hood up
"what now?" i think

A thousand clouds or so
A rough estimate
Of the evening storm
Passing those tree tops and muddy yards
City sidewalks scuffed
Coated with rain & discarded steps
A slight glow marking the air
Which stood remarkably still
Among the sparse bustle
Of parallel wanderers
Sharing sound
And company
Until the sky
Changes mood

Just hopefully not soon

as i awoke reality shifted into gear
a process mastered though often unappreciated
(depending on the dream)
that morning i didn't remember any
but there was one thing
one that also happened to still be there
sitting up right beside me
as i took note of her outline
quickly went through the checklist of features i've come to know
(though most immaterial)



and then i fell back asleep.

two bodies lay there
on the couch
in the house
cold and empty
though rather lovely

they lay very close
intimate and serene
exposed but comfortable
in a nice sort of silence
only experienced once before

a single phrase rang out
in the mind of one
for the other
"i love you"

a curious thought
amongst a careful affection
now preserved for later use
for the other
or another
whenever it might be true

as i weave through the city streets of my hometown
my mind drifts away
thankful that this city hasn't brought the anxiety i've come to expect
i wonder what's different
thankful that these people i call friends
thankful for some emotional stability
thankful for the time and for this life of mine

into the black night i went
riding the tailwind of emotion
spent up in the heartbeat and luscious breathes
little space between our gaze
so quickly did we yearn for this
succeeding only to frighten & excite us both

as my arms wrapped around you
i couldn't help but think
how well we fit together
like a puzzle with two pieces
long ago separated
fallen down a floor crack
sunk into the couch
adrift in the sewers
underneath the paper due tomorrow
until you came into my arms

but i also knew then
as i was sinking into the ambience
enjoying every single ounce of you
that we're all pieces
in the largest of puzzles
ever-changing in shape
ever-seeking our two piece paradise



and that's ok
that's why i could hold you
and that's why i'll keep holding you
until i can't anymore.

i find myself wandering through your thoughts
as you wander through mine
exploring the intricate paths
all the little details
and in that moment i hoped to lose my way
stuck in the lovely labyrinth of your mind

i walk into my room
wondering if your image will be there
shutting the door in dismay
a knock will come soon i think
listening for that voice or some footsteps
passing through the halls where we met
a year's change but no one can tell
i pulled my blinds all the way up
so every time you walk in the building you'd see my light on
my window a lighthouse in those dark & windy nights
at times it feels your right outside
listening for an indication
curious to know what my life is like now
and despite all this
my outlet of weakness
i'm proud to say
i'm doing great.
i hope you are too.

i never wrote you a poem
though sometimes i wish i did
those words you find to perfectly detail
every single spec of feeling
another body to feed off of
and awake by her side

i wonder about those moments now
those words never found
no pages left to turn
another night to myself
speaking now as an aside

i wrote you a poem
but i guess it's too late

i got a message today
out of the blue
from you
but who is you?
and who reads this
late at night
processing these thoughts i've typed
wondering what i feel inside
but is it you?
is there a you?
changing in my head every day
a new feeling, a new desire
surrounded by things i can't have
things i think i want
until the next one comes
a fleet of fleeting emotion

i got a message today
i hope it was from you

or you
or you
or you

if i told the truth
would you be mad
think less of me
refuse to speak
blame yourself
become insecure
believe it wasn't true
or learn to forgive?

if i told the truth
would you be happy
think more of me
change your tone
pinch yourself
become comfortable
believe it was always true
or am i fantasizing?

if i told you the truth
would you be turned off
think i was needy
wonder why i messaged you
recluse yourself
become a stranger
believe we were never true
or would you agree?

if i told you the truth
would you reflect about it
think i can't be read
message me about your day
change yourself
become more mature
encourage me to visit
believe i am different
or is that even possible?

an inflection in your tone
some feelings overgrown
a sense of happy dismay
over the thought of you
wondering how soon
this emotion can run free
a beat with no embrace
just one quick taste
is all i need for now

there's a girl outside the door
i wonder if she's thinking about me
talking to other guys
always other guys
who listen
or act like it
difficult to tell
meaningless conversations
a mind surrounded
by those seeking a body
for a bit of fun
while i sit here

maybe i'll figure you out someday
ask just the right question
if you'll keep letting me in
then you can find out what i see in you

what is it about
small talk
that seems so small

and what classifies as
big talk
or something in between

it seems that even the
small talk
impacts our lives

and likewise
big talk
sometimes never does

Sometimes I wonder why
I lose the pen & paper
the focused rattle of key strokes
thinking about that next rhyme
or word pattern or wordplay
or whatever I want to write about...
why that all goes away when I'm content

Take it for what it's worth,
poetry, to me, is something to fall back on.
And somehow that's ok... normal
I wonder where those words go sometimes

i saw a ******* the tv
yesterday
she was attractive and
kind
had some sort of
glow
a pep in her
step
a glimpse of good
spirit
or at least that's what i
saw
through the box of bright
color

why do i think about
her
why not a girl i already
know
one that shares
memories
with me and cares about my
health
why do i spend
time
looking at this
screen
at so many
screens
so dependent on these
pixels
which take up the
space
both inside and
out
of my life & those around
me

i saw a ******* the tv
yesterday
and it was
nice

as the light comes in my window
i wonder what's happening inside
my head, whether it's registering
emotion like i am. the blinds get
to decide what i think about and
what i dwell on through the night
and into the next sometimes for
days on end. until it does end...
and it's as if nothing was even
wrong in the first place. was it?
i'm not even sure anymore. but
that light keeps coming through
and i shut my blinds for another
time, sinking into the candlelight

it's you that i've been waiting to find

but it wasn't you
present in other ways
friendly and welcoming
a smile, a hand
i wonder what you saw in me

but i was never waiting
more like recovering
more like discovering
a new life
a new town
i wonder if you were too

but i didn't find
nor you with me
no star-crossed evening
or prince at the ball
i wonder what changed



but i did find something
i want it to be you
and i'll wait

i hope that's enough.