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Aug 2013 · 447
I Keep Holding On
Baylee Aug 2013
When
        All
My memories
        Of you
Are gone,
        That
Is when
        I
        Will
        Move on.
Aug 2013 · 711
Schizophrenia
Baylee Aug 2013
As I read,
The words on the page
Turn into bugs,  
And crawl around.
I feel my heart beat,
In my head,
While my feet
Are on the ground.
My senses get mixed up,
I feel schizophrenic,
My heartbeat increases dramatically,
And I begin to panic.
I feel the air getting thinner,
With less of it to breathe,
If my heart stops beating,
Will there be anyone to grieve?
All this pain and suffering,
Was clearly meant to be,
But what I want to know is,
Was it truly intended for me?
Shots to keep me calm,
Pills to heal my pain,
So many perscriptions,
Just to heal my brain.
I'm scared of nearly everything,
From bugs to snakes to the dark,
To who knows what could be lurking,
Across the street at the park.
I try to conquer my fears,
At least one at a time,
The one fear ill never escape from,
Is the thoughts inside my mind.
Jun 2013 · 659
Jumbled Thoughts
Baylee Jun 2013
Im invincible,
Not invisible,
Or remarkable,
But capable.
I am able
To make do,
With all I have,
But I don't have you.
Without you
I am nothing,
Because you,
You're something,
Something untouchable,
Unchangable,
You're shapable,
But completely stable.
Whereas I,
I'll never have
Stability
Or the ability
To maintain
A high agility
Like you;
Rather I'll be described
As having much fragility
Not fertility;
Sterility.
Its confusing,
I know,
But I cant express
Or repress
What I felt because of you;
Except with one word,
Depressed.
The rest
Will be forgotten,
Left in the dirt to rot
In a mound of memories
That no one recalls.
But those memories haul
A lot of pain
And emotions that
I let drive me insane.
Jun 2013 · 707
Addiction
Baylee Jun 2013
Addicted to the bottles,
Addicted to the pain,
I'm addicted to you
And it's driving me insane.
These ***** are my only friends,
They bring me warmth inside,
I think to myself,
"If I keep drinking, pretty soon I'll die".
The thought of death
Doesn't bother me,
It doesn't frighten me;
Rather, it brings security.
How will I go?
Overindulgence,
Or too many pills,
It wont be long before we know.
These thoughts run through my mind,
While I put on a fake smile,
All the time thinking of death
Or dying in just a short while.
Painkillers numb the pain,
But not for too long,
Pretty soon more pills are in my hand;
I take them to stay strong.
With bottles lined up,
And pills scattered across the floor;
A razor blade to the wrist,
My body propped up against the door.
Our lives aren't long,
Though life is the longest thing we do,
But I can't find the point of living,
If I can't be with you.
Jun 2013 · 483
Those Scars
Baylee Jun 2013
Looking down at my hands,
I can see the power they hold,
The ability to show strength,
Or bring pain to the body, mind, and soul.

As I stare at my hands,
The makers of pain,
I wish to myself,
That those scars weren't the same.

As if I didn't feel
Mentally disfigured enough,
Now physical deformities
Brought upon me too;
I've had enough.

I can’t stand how I look,
I hate the way I feel,
I can’t take the judgment,
It’s too personal and real.

I feel like my brain is imploding,
It’s quickly shutting down.
I can’t help it
But my brain’s first reaction
Is to block out all sight and sound.

I watch those faint markings
As they dance around my hands,
They remind me of who I was
And where I've been,
But not who I am.

Those markings resemble
The battles I've lost;
I always tried to win,
I've always put up a fight
Regardless of the eternal cost.

Those lines and patterns,
They show where I've come from,
But not where I’ll go,
But then again,
At this point,
Who really knows.
Jun 2013 · 453
Tears
Baylee Jun 2013
Everyday she got yelled at,
Though she never knew why,
But nothing ever changed,
And she started to cry.
The shouting got worse,
She'd hold back tears; she'd try,
But everyday got harder,
And she started to cry.
Thee bruises she had,
Made others wonder why,
She kept to herself,
And she started to cry.
All the screaming and yelling,
She was lonely and shy,
With no one to call out to,
She started to cry.
Everyday got worse,
She wanted to die,
She hated going home,
And she started to cry.
Broken bones, scratches, bruises, and scars,
Everyone saw them, but no one asked why,
She had been so strong but was now so weak,
And once in heaven, she no longer cried.
Jun 2013 · 1.7k
Worthless
Baylee Jun 2013
I feel worthless,
Like a body without bones,
I'm just a puddle of useless parts,
And my voice is just a drone.
No matter what I do,
Something good or bad,
I get yelled at regardless,
By both my mom and dad.
I get yelled at everyday,
And I cry every night,
But I'm too weak to put up a fight,
When I know it's just going to happen again;
Light or dark, it does not matter,
The yelling just never stops,
I wonder if it's all my fault anyway.
I need to know before my heart pops or bursts from this pressure.
As if school isn't already hell,
Just crawling through the hallways between the bells,
Harsh kids with even harsher words,
I shouldn't let it bother me, but it really hurts.
After years of antagonizing, the pain builds up,
And if I'd been drinking this suffering, It'd fill ten million cups.
This is just an under exaggeration,
Because the pain is worse than I can describe,
I don't want to live on this earth or have this life,
Pains that bring up the thought of suicide.
May 2013 · 495
The Shower Floor
Baylee May 2013
As I sit there on the floor of my shower, Letting the water that's pouring over me turn from hot to chilling cold, I hope the water can hide my tears. I hope it will wash away the faint pink lines that cover my arm. But most of all I hope the hours spent curled up, there, on the shower floor will wash away the pain.
I don't mind seeing those faint pink lines across my arm every so often, They help to remind me of all the battles I've fought, Though they are the remnants of the battles that I lost. Those battles have shaped me physically and emotionally. But those battles brought along struggle, Struggles that people who aren't facing them don't understand, Impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been through it all already, Struggles that bring along pain worse than any physical pain imaginable.
That is the pain I wish to be cleansed of.
May 2013 · 490
Lost
Baylee May 2013
This person is confusing,
They're difficult to read,
Difficult for me to understand,
This person is me.
I don't know what I strive for,
If I did, I wouldn't know why,
I confuse myself a lot,
More than half the time.
Most people have goals,
Or something to look forward to,
I just live in the moment,
And I always have something to do.
I never understand me,
I don't think anyone does,
People just pretend,
Their reason, "just because".
I have no reasons for anything,
I don't ever know "why";
Just one day I'll be living,
And the next I'll die.
May 2013 · 445
Just Another Lie
Baylee May 2013
I was falling for you,
I was falling in love,
You were so perfect,
The kind we all dream of.
I felt weightless around you,
I felt too light by your side,
Being with you gave me a high,
But you'd bring be back down with arms open wide.
I was blind to your imperfections,
Things others saw with ease,
Maybe someone could have shown me,
And maybe you wouldn't have left me with these;
A bunch of little pieces,
Pieces of my heart,
My heart was a tower of cards,
And you made it fall apart.
So was I in love with you?
Without a doubt,
Did you, though, love me too?
No, you had spent it all, and you were out.
I had an overabundance of love for you,
You however, did not as well comply,
I said I loved you and meant it,
But when you said "I love you" it was just another lie.
May 2013 · 822
Alone
Baylee May 2013
She sets herself apart,
Though not with higher respect,
Sometimes she gets up to average,
But settles for the level of regret.
She does not want your sympathy,
She just wants someone to listen,
But she can't find the words to speak to anyone
Even those whose hearts glisten
With a passion to help her.
She is a lost cause,
A case that can't be solved,
She has a negative mindset and intentions that she needs to be resolved
By someone, who understands what it's like to be so alone,
While still among many others whose lights in their hearts have shone for them, She needs that light.
She needs someone who can help her to make sense of it all,
But no words can describe her feelings or why she has them,
But she needs to tell someone what's going on
Before it eats her alive,
Before she explodes,
Before she dies inside.
Nothing in this world can show what it's like,
Living every day without light,
And living life without nights
Because she doesn't  sleep much,
If ever at all,
She seems to be losing touch with the world
As it slowly keeps turning from Spring to Fall.
She closes herself off
And shuts herself down,
She shuts everyone out and let's no one around
To help her,
Though inside she's screaming "SOMEBODY HELP ME",
It's impossible to just let all of it go, and
She can't set herself free.
She is tired of fighting so hard to stay strong,
Now the only strong thing about her is the stream down her face,
Everything in her life was dreadful or going wrong,
And the only thing that could possibly help is God's grace.
Nothing seemed to please her more than the thought of leaving this Earth,
It seemed to be all she talked about;
Her only thought since birth,
Or at least as far back as she could remember,
A thought which seemed like an ember with such high potential to start a spark;
A spark that could become a fire,
Growing farther and higher that could burn down this whole world,
This place we call our home,
Burning the world, however, might do justice to those like her, who feel so alone.
May 2013 · 546
Useless Thoughts
Baylee May 2013
My head is pounding,
My mind is screaming-- let me out,
The tears and the pain,
That I've kept inside and told no one about.

Secrets I hold dear to myself,
Secrets that no one else, can know of,
The biggest thing to bring me pain,
Must be deprivation of love.

Words rumble through my mind,
Thoughts and experiences roam about,
The voice inside my head keeps screaming,
It makes me want to rip my hair out!

What is right?
And what is wrong?
Does anyone care about me?
This can't be where I belong.

So i'll wait,
For something to change,
Something that matters,
To change all by itself because I can't,
Because this is not where I belong.
May 2013 · 528
It's All Because of You
Baylee May 2013
The love of my life was dead,
Not deceased or cold to touch,
But dead.
He died in the arms of another girl,
All he did was become happier
While I bled.
He stabbed me through the heart
With the things he said,
And he lied.
He walked away from me,
Leaving me there alone,
As I cried.
I left him the key to my heart,
Let him open the door,
Then he left it, open wide.
I let him into my life,
Let him stare into my soul
Through my eyes.
He pulled my heart by the threads
With every tug
The more it bled.
His body is not in a grave,
But I was forced to bury him,
In the back of my mind.

— The End —