One step onto the sidewalk is a burst of fresh air inside my lungs
As I feel the explosion of feeling provoking expression
The possibilities just around the corner are waiting
Like a passerby anxiously waiting to cross the street
Hectic intersections before the destination
The objective? A trace of importance, matter

Eyes dart around like gnats, testing the waters
Frightened thoughts **** and pearly white teeth flash
Nervousness pervading through the crowds
A performer’s opening act
Creating a new era
An unknown journey’s dawn

The first breath on Earth
Expectations
Happiness
Future
Hope

"No! I won't listen! I don't care anymore!"
Tell me you love me, make it all go away...
"Don't touch me!"
Please hold me
"I hate you!"
I love you
"Go. Away."
Don't ever leave my side.
"Who cares?!"
Me
"Who needs you?! Good riddance."
No! Please! Don't leave! She didn't mean it!
"Yes I did now shut up you little idiot.
Sit back relax and let me take care of this."
You're chasing him away...
"Who needs that lame!
All he ever brings us is pain!
He'll never love us!"
You're wrong...
"Would you listen to yourself?
Defending him.
Who  picked up the pieces of you left on the floor?
You know, the ones he left when he walked right out the door.
And oh how you cried!
Newsflash sweetheart!
He's the problem here not me.
And he doesn't give a ****!
You can cry. You can yell.
But will he listen? Of course not.
So he can go straight to hell!
Return from where he came.
So stop your whining and pining.
You're so pitiful sometimes."
**Silence falls upon my body finally.

You looked at me.
Just looked.
Our eyes met for all of a second.
Not a hint of evil on your face.
Innocence, like the first time I looked into those eyes.

So why now does it feel like there are strong hands around my throat?
Why now, do I feel empty and hopeless?
Like my heart is being squeezed to a pulp?
When all you did was glance.
Because now I know you.

I can see the evil smile you gave me.
Oh that smile
The horrible curl of your lips sends bile up my throat.
"How could you?"
I can hear my words even now.
But you said nothing.
Just smiled,
Walked away from me like I was nothing.
Nothing but some child.
Too petty for you to deal with.

Sometimes I feel blessed by the Gods
These gifts I’ve received
But I am not Hercules
I don’t deserve any sort of Chiron
I don’t want any benefaction
Take them away,
These powers – superpowers
That have been bestowed upon my soul.

I am not a hero,
I am not an extraordinary being –
I am sub-par,
A simple human at best,
And I don’t want my skin
To be a bulletproof sheath
Protecting and preserving the unyielding wall
Between Olympus and Earth.

i think about the hospital a lot
the crisp white sheets
the shiny piece of tin on the wall
the ***** trio of couches

these images are super glued to my eyes
it’s almost as if i wish i was still there
but that would mean, of course,
that i am still sick – or at least what they say sick is

the scent of hospital air lingers on my sweatshirt
you know, the one i wear everyday
the one that hides my imperfections
and my scars

my sweatshirt has been washed
smothered with detergent
but all i smell is the mental ward
the brain senses what the brain wants

maybe i want to be back there
with the others who, for those seven days, i considered my family
perhaps it’s because i felt safe
like it was okay to be the way i am

i want to be back there
in the isolation of a sad, protected world
either i’m getting sick again
or i was never cured

I gave blood today; I wanted to be a Good Samaritan, help those in need. My blood, after all, is healthy, pure. The thing is though, is that as I watched my life slowly ebb into the pint-sized plastic bag of rescue, I was imagining how lovely it would be for all of it to flow out, into a bag, into the bath, into the universe. To be empty, weightless, cold. As the blood pulsed out of my veins and my arm became weaker, I wished for my eyes to close and for my thoughts to slow down, for the discombobulate realm I call my life to slowly disappear or at least evolve into a breathtaking pasture of wispy freedom. Once my arm was emptied and the possible end was stopped, they told me - drink up, drink up, eat up, eat up - replenish the sugar and tiny hemoglobin cells that I so gracefully supplied. I took hold of the juice, and I took hold of the cookie, but once out of sight, I tossed them to the side. I wanted the feeling of faintness, dizziness, the insecurity of being caught in between two worlds. And as I sit here now with a muted mind and a slight headache, I am slightly pleased.

I often sit on my soft, white carpet
Staring

At the blank wall in front of me.

It is blank, but that wall is not empty -

Full of my secrets and smothered by my cries,
It knows me better than I know myself.



At night I lie in my nice, warm bed

Staring

At the blank ceiling above me

Its white paint is darkened – 

The switch flipped to off means it’s time

For my disguise to turn off as well.



In the morning when I wake, I find myself

Staring 

At the blank walls of my room.
The walls are simply walls –
Unchangeable,
impenetrable and menacing.

I think they closed in a little overnight.

i was sitting in your passenger seat
that new car smell
laughing awkwardly yet engorged
in happiness
together

she walked up to the window
interrupted with ‘hello’
eyes searing through my shield
of cover up and jewelry
broken

a wide-eyed gaze upon my skin
scarlet art visible
my secret identity discovered
what is that? she asked
            Nothing

secrets
the tiny little monsters
living in between joints and those spaces under your fingernails
toxic
demolishing everything in their paths
tearing down buildings
digging up roads
destroying living souls