I know exactly
when my love for you
took flight

The precise moment
my heart skipped a beat
before it fell.

I know exactly
when the green-eyed monster
turned a 'harmless' crush
into feelings I thought  long buried.

The precise moment
I came face to face
with the feelings
that I'd been trying so hard
to ignore.

I awoke
this morning,
wrapped up in the clean
white linen
of a hotel bedroom.

Later,
I ate breakfast alone
at a table by the window,
staring silently
at the rolling waves.

No need for a newspaper
or small talk.
Just me
with my thoughts,
looking at the sea.

Lost
in a private
conversation.

I see
other people's smiles,

and they sometimes
remind me of you

Or black hair
peppered with grey,

and scarves
in stripey patterns.

I remember
when you said
that you loved my' love handles',
which is why they now must go.

Trying
in vain
to rid myself of every reminder of you,
so I can start to forget
and move on
to my next mistake.

Rain
on the window
and another prayer
on the wind...

please
send me
someone to love.

Looking
through the glass
at a clear, starless sky
thinking of all those I have loved...

and the miles I've travelled
longing for just one of them
to love me back.

I'm falling backwards
again,
with no arms
to catch me.

Another
painful memory
that I have to learn to live with.

Why is it
that we rarely remember
the exact time when love starts,
but recall every detail
of the moment
it ended?

Another bruise,
another stain on my heart.
In exile
and not to be trusted with it's own feelings.

I've burned too many bridges
trying to find myself,
and I'm still no closer
to an answer.

It's a question of trust.
I don't know if I can rely
on my judgement anymore.

I naively thought
that escape would be so simple
but lying here,
in the quiet of the morning,
I'm still weighing up the possibilities
of a life that seems to stand still.

I packed up my life
in boxes,
bags
and suitcases
and moved down to the sea.

The part of me
that knew I was running away
also knew,
deep down,
that I couldn't hide.

And so,
two years on,
having said goodbye
to the grey stone city
and the smoke,
my demons have tracked me down.

I've always been
a bit of a miserable ***,
prone to black moods
and apathy.

There is so much life
in anger.
So much passion
in bitterness.

Hate
is so clean,
so simple.

Clear
as glass,
and twice as sharp.

Although fading,
the memories
of those late February kisses
have followed me
into summer.

Pale
and distant
but still shimmering
on the horizon.

Looking
to the sky
for inspiration,
hoping
for some peace.

Waiting
for salvation,
praying for love
but...

...today
it feels like
it could rain forever.

Our moment
in time
has passed,
gone forever.

Now,
I have to force
the weakest of smiles
when our paths cross.

If I can bear to speak to you,
my lips
politely
skim your cheek hello,

all the time remembering
how my heart used to race
whenever I saw you,
and how it aches now.

A stolen life
run by a stranger
who looks a lot like me.

Before this automaton
fell from the sky
and took my place,
I used to be a little more human.

I’m an alien.
Revisiting a planet
that I’ve already been to
and one where I don’t belong.

A planet where it seems like there are no answers;
where life  
and people,
continue to baffle
and confuse me.

I’m just going through the motions.
Nodding
like a toy dog
and smiling in all the right places.

Every day
slowly unfolds
much like the one before,
leaving me further behind
and feeling a little less human.

I miss you

almost as much
as I miss
the man you were helping me turn into…

I hope he’s not
lost
forever.

I want to wake up
to breakfast in bed
and the Sunday papers.

I want you
to look up
from the half-completed crossword puzzle,
watch me lick marmalade
from my fingers
and stir  the sugar in my tea.

Later,
you pin me
to the un-made bed
still wet from the shower
and tell me you love me.

Take me
in your arms
and hold me.

Help me
to be free.

Thread bells
on  a string ‘round my heart,
stand back
and cover your ears.

All it would take
is the whisper
of a kiss,
the mere touch of your lips,
the feel of your skin
on mine,
and I’ll love you
forever.

All I want
from this insipid life
is someone to name a star after.

Someone
to elevate me
out of this space
and time,
bringing a smile to my face
and crushing this insatiable hunger.

Someone
to free me
from this madness
and put a constellation in my heart.

Love…
lend me your name,
to warm this cold December.

Another
humid day
in August,
with thunder rolling
in a charcoal sky.

I knew
the recent spell of sun
couldn’t last.

Like summer
making way for autumn,
I’m anticipating
the return of clouds
and the promise of rain.

Night
is over
and the sun
bullies me awake
as it rises.

I close my eyes,
turn my face
away from the window
and sleep through the afternoon
‘til I’m bored by my dreams.

Listening
to the rain outside
and the thunderstorm within.

Watching
you sleeping beside me,
asking myself
“What am I doing here?”

Perhaps
I should get dressed,
let myself out
and get the nightbus home.

Then again,
I could stay here
with the sound of the rain in my ears
and you in my arms.

Overwhelm me.
Invade my solitude.

Make me spellbound
and penetrate the coma.

Deny me
of my rational thinking
and make my head spin.

Interrupt
my heartbeat
and fracture  what little peace of mind remains.

If you look closely
you'll see that my cold eyes
promise warmth...

come closer.

When
the seemingly intangible dream
finally reaches out to me,
it's persuasive fingers
will wrap themselves
around every inch of my body
and soul.
Its tender power
releasing the emotions inside.

Something
will take life
in our hands
as we touch,
and awaken the beauty
that sleeps within.

Deep down
inside me
wild stallions run through fields of clouds,
not these languid horses
in dull,
sunless heat.

Solitude
cleanses my mind
and relieves my tension.

This room is my sanctuary
protecting me from the outside world.
It seems as though
nothing  can harm me here
and I am at peace.

Then,
when I step back out
into the hallway,
it's as if there's a motorway
outside my room
and I'm about to walk into traffic.

Sitting here
once again,
gazing into an empty space.

Staring at the same four walls,
slowly watching the sun
bleed through the curtains like bleach.

The walls are closing in
and I feel like I can’t breathe.

I know that I over-think things,
always feeling like I have to analyse
everything
and everyone.
Always searching for answers
and the truth
behind inner peace.

Sometimes,
from the corner of an eye,
I catch myself watching the circus in the bar mirror.
It’s lonely
always being on the outside
looking in,
but life’s too short
and I’m no longer so impatient for love,
like a spoiled and demanding child.

For the best part
of the past five years
I’ve managed to keep most of my demons at bay.
Now,
as surely as day turns to night,
their ugly heads have slowly risen up
threatening to take over,
but I’m sick of being a pawn in their game.

Buried feelings
creeping up ,
un-noticed.
Hiding under the radar
‘til it’s too late
and all consuming.

I miss you too
but it still hurts too much
to be around you.

The thrill
has turned to sadness
and I can’t believe
that I ever expected anything else.

If only
I could take back
everything I said.

Kept
my big mouth shut
and buried my feelings deeper.

I always want
what I haven’t got
and I want it now.
I’m not sure exactly what it is
that I’m looking for
but I know that I want it.

Everyday
I wish
I’d made less mistakes,
and everyday
I wish
that I was strong enough to make more,
but I’m too scared
of getting hurt again
to take a chance

Regrets
ride on a wave
of loneliness
and broken dreams,
and I’m holding out for an extraordinary love
to brighten this ordinary life.

I think too much
and need time to complicate things
so that I can make them impossible.
I long for love and affection
but worry that I’ve spent too long
trying to be invisible

Perhaps
I’m just the selfish son
of a selfish man
and maybe
I need a hobby
so that I can think less about me.

Sometimes
it all just seems
so pointless.
Feeling as temporary,
as summer holidays
and the promises in love’s sweet kiss.

Dreams
punctuate my restless nights
and in those precious moments
while I am sleeping,
my life is on hold.

But the minute I am awake
and the sun is leering
through the gaps in the curtains,
It’s suddenly all real again
and I just want to spend the day in bed.

Under the covers,
longing
for the sweet oblivion of sleep
and the comfort of dreams.

Unrequited love
needs no
persuasion.
No tender words
to encourage it
to grow.

Although it craves attention
it survives very well
without it.

It has a mind of its own
yet still longs
for approval.

It festers
and it teases
and it laughs at you through teary eyes.

Unrequited love is stubborn
and all consuming .
It’s irrational
and unable to listen
to anything even resembling common sense.

Quietly
living my life
in shadows
and always wasting my precious love
in all the wrong places.

Finding
a little comfort
in your charm
and some confidence in your flirtation,
it almost feels like I’m being kissed for the first time.

Misplaced
and tender,
a breathless rush of blood to the head.
Two bruised hearts
seeking solace and affection,
wayward ghosts
lost in a kiss.

Deep down
in my dark, dark heart
dreams suddenly dare to breathe,
and in these stolen moments with you
it feels like love is possible again.

My soul soars.
The violent screams inside my head
turn to delicate whispers.
Hope floats
on gossamer wings
And I am flying.

If I let down my guard
and I say yes,
will you let me down?

If I open up my heart
and I let you in,
will you break it?

If I allowed it to happen,
you could be the rain
on my face
and the wind
in my hair.
I’d go through a thousand shades of weather
for you

But I’m telling you now,
that if you let me down
and break my heart
I don’t think I can face going back
to the man I once was
and the emotional  carnage
I knew so well.

More steely- eyed than before
my guard will go back up
and my disappointment
will return
to its heart shaped box.

Dark clouds
will swell like a bruise in the sky
and I’ll be left wearing my loneliness
like a familiar sweater.