I've smoked all these cigarettes
but I still don't know what "I love you" tastes like
I know hands againsts skin and a face on fire
shaking hands and heartache
but someone tell me
What does I love you taste like
what does it feel like against a hollow ear
I know his fingers on my spine, but not a print on my soul
not one steady syllable
I'm not old enough to say that I've felt it all
but I've felt enough
to feel this sickening ache deep in the pits of who I am
each time I get close enough these words are like sand
running through the cracks between my trembling digits
I swallow down every thought like a hand full of rocks
My throat is screaming raw
I've become too afraid to feel things that I cannot put into words
and to say I want nothing more than to see you
is not enough
because I want everything
including your voice
pressing hot words against my skin instead of finger tips
I want 'I love yous' in my eardrums
but all I get is the sound of my heart beating
and that's starting to sound like a gental lie
I've smoked all these cigarettes
My mouth is desert dry
I cannot force the words out
There is a faint buzzing in the back of my brain
it's more like a thousand wasps
The sound of every "I love you" that's ever been lost

Sometimes I get sick to my stomach
and I look at old photographs
Trying to teach my self how to remember again
Sometimes I can feel the shallow cracks beneath my skin
With every long drag and stomach cramp
I relearn the past
and the way a memory can still make my hands shake
I've remembered the feeling of being forgotten
and how it can hollow you out
I will still remember the smiles
Tight hugs
car rides
Bruises
heavy feet crashing against wet grass
while our hearts pounded
I will still remember the sadness in your voice late at night
no matter how much I am forgotten

I scrapped my soft skin on the gravel
and they asked me why I bled so much
It's the one thing I do best
I'd rather scab over
and try to heal
but I can't stop the sensation of opening old wounds
Every time I pour myself a drink
I can't help but think of my father
my grandmother
and everyone else I cannot will myself to call
so I bled out to voice mail messages
and try not to hurt anyone else
but I just can't help myself
I am addicted to pain and holding grudges
I forgive those who don't deserve it
just so I can go back again
and scar myself even more
Every time I know I have to hurt someone
I remeber every sad face I've ever seen
My stomach is nausea
I am trying so hard to act like I'm not even phased
but my facade is cracking under all of this weight
I cannot stop this chain smoking habit
because then I'll begin to gnaw at my finger tips
and lord knows I can't bare to lose any more blood

This hallway smells like hospital
and he told me to get the hell out
I'm sure he meant before this school eats me alive
so next year I'll come back
with my head pulled out of my ***
and get on with my life

I've been told
by the lighthearted
that it is called the present because
it is a gift
but I still find myself with crossed fingers
hoping for a receipt at the bottom of the bag

Massacred and double crossed
this is not me crying from loss
or sad poem about how everything I love
treats me like ****
this is me showing you how strong my back bone is
and how from this point I refuse to take any of it
Tear me to shreds
I'll put myself back together again
I'm not made of steal
and I will falter
but I am closer to resolve than I've ever been before

chasing cheep liquor
with the taste of defet
and the sound of birds in the morning
I kissed you on the cheek
and told you
that I could no longer love you